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Original poster

Did anyone get strung along by a man that they ended up childless?

170 replies

Witsend12s · 16/05/2022 11:47

I have a thread in relationships about my partner deferring kids. I’m mid 30s and don’t know what to do. He says he wants them all the time, even brings up the topic himself! Then it’s deferred, deferred, deferred. He’s nearly 40. I’m so fed up.

I have had mixed views from friends- leave him or come off the pill without telling him. Neither of which I want to do in an ideal world.

Am I really running the risk of being childless? Can it really come to that after all he’s said about wanting them? So confused and sad.

OP posts:

whumpthereitis · 17/05/2022 14:33

HaalandisaDon · 16/05/2022 18:52

This happened to me. We discussed it many times before we married, both on the same page, family oriented and then a few years in after we sold both our houses and moved to a large family home he changed his mind. We nearly split up but i stayed because I only wanted children with him. It broke my heart. Even though I learned to deal with it I will never, ever forgive him.

Did he lead you on or did he genuinely change his mind?

Ultimately you chose to stay with him, knowing that he didn’t want children. That’s not on him, that’s on you.

Whadda · 17/05/2022 14:35

come off the pill without telling him

Honestly, when you’re at the stage that this is your thought process, you have to accept that the relationship is fucked.

Hastingsontheup · 17/05/2022 14:46

Karwomannghia · 16/05/2022 12:51

I would stop taking the pill, but tell him that’s what you’ve done. Take back control of your own body. If it then becomes obvious he was full of shit, leave.

Yes this

Hastingsontheup · 17/05/2022 14:49

The world is full of willing sperm donors. At 35 I'd go it alone, but that's me children were an absolutely non negoitiable.

Starlight31 · 17/05/2022 14:51

Well I’m in the same boat. 38 and with someone 44 (together 9 months). He’s gone from being up for children in the future to not sure yet to mostly leaning to not but still not sure yet. It is very uncool

Oblomov22 · 17/05/2022 14:53

@fossilsmorefossils
I like to think I have already taught my ds's to be truthful, not ashamed of their feelings, expressing if they did or didn't want children. I hope they'd never lead anyone on, nor choose a wife who was so weak she'd allow herself to be lead on.

MsTSwift · 17/05/2022 14:56

I ended a relationship in my twenties because he wasn’t father material. He wanted kids with me but was erratic and had a bad temper - knew he wasn’t good enough to father my children.

Actually I was quite ruthless looking back. Glad I was though. And I will teach my girls to be the same.

Goinghome20 · 17/05/2022 15:21

He has to shape up or ship out. It's time for you to take control of your future.

Calmdown14 · 17/05/2022 15:44

I agree with those who say tell him you are stopping taking the pill.
This would be sensible regardless of your decision with this relationship. It can take two years to leave your system.

You'll know by his reaction and the measures he takes whether he really doesn't want them or is just hesitant and more comfortable in letting fate decide.

But put a very definite time limit on it. You are stopping with future life in mind, not to trick him as he knows the score. You'll give him a month to decide how he feels but can't carry on when you want different things

Anoooshka · 17/05/2022 15:50

You need to come off the pill straight away and tell your partner that you want to try and have a baby. Don't give him a time limit, otherwise you'll find yourself 6 months to a year down the line and you'll be closer to 40 with no child in sight.

Another thing. Have you spoken about marriage? Are you living together? Do you own a house together? Are you sure that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

DangerouslyBored · 17/05/2022 15:51

Elsie2022 · 16/05/2022 12:07

As a 29 year old woman who is dithering about having a baby despite being married for 7 years and owning our flat, I can kinda identify (though I think dithering until 40 is a bit o.O) I am definitely not stringing my DH along, I mean, it is true that we can get a bigger mortgage on a bigger flat before we have DC. And the thing is that I am scared to start TTC because there is no going back from there. Maybe its like fear of the unknown coupled with the fact that I don't feel this desperate broodiness even though I like doing things like mapping out school catchments and looking up nurseries (but that is more like playing house than real life).

I asked my DH, would he regret marrying me and would he still love me if I never gave him a child. His response was that I am his wife and he didn't marry an egg laying chicken who becomes redundant if she doesn't breed. He said that a woman should always have the final say whether she becomes pregnant. Of course it is different for a man because he is not the one carrying the baby and breastfeeding. And he doesn't have the biological clock. But theoretically, a child is the responsibility of both parents. What is the reason for the dithering? Is he just scared of being a father.

Your husband sounds fab 👏🏼 👏🏼

DuchessofAnkh22 · 17/05/2022 15:51

I had a very good friend who was with her partner from 19 to 39. He didn't think they needed to get married (she did) neither of them were keen on kids. She was happy as thought they had a life together..... right up until he left, and was both married and had a child within a year.

The plain truth was that while I'm sure they got on well and were great friends, he didn't love her enough to get married and "moved on" as soon as he found someone he did feel that way with.

I'm not sure she wanted kids (though she did want to get married), so may have been the reverse way around to you, that he wanted kids and she didn't.

Only4You · 17/05/2022 15:55

You'll know by his reaction and the measures he takes whether he really doesn't want them or is just hesitant and more comfortable in letting fate decide.

Or he is the type of guy who will have no issue to not wear a condom and then expect her to have an abortion if she does get pregnant 'because she knew he dindt want a kid'.
OR
he let things carry on for a bit and then leave her just befre or shortly after the baby is born 'because thats not what he wanted in life'. Which will be followed by him not taking any interest at all in the baby or pay anything unless he is forced to.

If it was that simple, you wouldnt find that many women ending up alone with a newborn....

ladytessa · 17/05/2022 16:01

He wants kids just obviously doesn't want them with you. This happens all the time. He obviously doesn't hate the relationship but doesn't want it to progress.

Lollypop701 · 17/05/2022 16:09

If I’m think about this post we used to get married to have children/commitment. So no proposal used to kick these men into touch reasonably quickly… if they didn’t propose within a couple of years most women would move on. Whilst I don’t miss the bad old days (because there were lots of bad stuff too) sometimes I wish we could have kept some bits because some part of that is shit men have more excuses now,

browneyes77 · 17/05/2022 16:11

Oblomov22 · 17/05/2022 10:39

I disagree. That final part, the courage to leave, because you do actually have enough self respect to realise that the relationship is not actually healthy, you do actually deserve more, is still a part of emotional intelligence. That they are lacking. They can't make that final connection. But outsiders or a counsellor could see it.

No, it’s not about lacking self respect or emotional intelligence. It is absolutely about courage for many women.

When you’ve invested years into a relationship, actually making that step of leaving and starting again takes courage. You are about to make a change that will impact your life. It’s not always that easy to just breezily walk out the door with your head held high.

You can have bags of self respect and know that you are being treated poorly, don’t wish to be treated poorly any further and know that you absolutely deserve better than what you’re getting. But taking that next step of actually leaving is the hardest part for a lot of women. They know what they want to do and they know what they should do, but actually doing it can be a different kettle of fish.

browneyes77 · 17/05/2022 16:14

nor choose a wife who was so weak she'd allow herself to be lead on.

Wow. So now they’re weak as well?

Summerfun54321 · 17/05/2022 16:22

Sorry OP but dithering at 40 means “I want children I’m just not sure I want them with you”. Ditch him now before it’s too late.

qpmz · 19/05/2022 21:02

Definitely come off the pill - that is something you can control. It's your choice what you put in your body. Be open and honest about it and he can get some condoms if needed.

Don't listen to everyone rambling on about marriage as if it's 1940. That's not a priority unless you want it to be. Sperm and eggs don't know whether they're from a wedded couple or not.

HowIsItMarchAlready · 24/05/2022 14:12

KirstenBlest · 16/05/2022 16:29

@HowIsItMarchAlready , you mean AID not IVF

Yes, sorry.

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