Did anyone get strung along by a man that they ended up childless?

[Witsend12s]

I have a thread in relationships about my partner deferring kids. I’m mid 30s and don’t know what to do. He says he wants them all the time, even brings up the topic himself! Then it’s deferred, deferred, deferred. He’s nearly 40. I’m so fed up.

I have had mixed views from friends- leave him or come off the pill without telling him. Neither of which I want to do in an ideal world.

Am I really running the risk of being childless? Can it really come to that after all he’s said about wanting them? So confused and sad.

How about ‘Hi honey I’ve decided to stop taking contraception.’

and see what he says/does

My exH strung me along since before we were married, even to the extent of discussing names, etc. But when the actual time came to TTC, he suddenly said he'd never wanted children in the first place and there would BE no children. i was 'only' 24 years old but knew I wasn't going to waste my precious time trying to convince him otherwise. TBH, there were other, more serious, reasons the marriage needed to end, but this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I kicked him out and never looked back. Remarried a few years later and had 2 sons. Life has been good.

Never choose a man over your dream of having a child. And I wouldn't want to have a child with any man I had to 'trick' (terrible idea), convince, or threaten into having a baby. Many people end up as lone parents for one reason or another, even when their children were wanted and planned for. It's a risk we all take when we marry/commit to another person. But why would anyone have a baby with a 'partner' who isn't enthusiastic about being a parent in the first place? Seems to me that's just asking to be a lone parent. There's nothing wrong with choosing to have a child on one's own, of course, if it's entered into deliberately and with forethought. But it's very hard to be a lone parent when you had your children expecting parenting to be a 'joint venture'.

If your 'inner self' is telling you that it's the right time for you to have a baby, or if you feel your bio clock is running down, then end things and look elsewhere.

Yes, sort of. I did come to my senses but it never happened for me anyway. That turned out to be the right decision for me.

Cut your losses. Not knowing where you stand is very tiring. Knowing what I know now I would have got out of that relationship quicker than I did. He wasn't worth waiting for.

I know somebody who became far too involved in expecting her DH to provide the lead in this situation. He was establishing a career as a high flying lawyer and there was always an excuse centred around not being able to afford the right family home. Once it was obvious that he could easily do this then it turned into being able to afford school fees and then being able to afford a second home for school holidays.

She got to 39 only to suddenly discover that he had impregnated a brand new graduate trainee at work ( in her early twenties who admitted that she had not used contraception after hearing that he had form because she knew he was a good catch and would come round to the idea ).

Does seem to be a thing and it has happened to friends - though few suddenly accidentally got pg in early 40s.

Sit him down say it's now or never - (and point out few more years his fertility will also be depleting rapidly) .

If he says no or delays again - you have your answer and then can make your decisions based on that as mid 30s you still have time and options.

Sadly it happened to a lovely woman that I know. She's now early 40s, single and childless

We’re child free, dh had cancer as a teen but I’m younger than him and he was willing to have a sperm doner IVF if I wanted kids.

He was willing to do that for me though and raise a child with me. I never got broody though.

I have a theory some of them are waiting for the 25yo hot young thing to come along 🙄 and then they’ll bestow their sperm. They really aren’t worth us wasting our fertility on if you want to have a child.

Hi op. Only you what to do but I’ll share a story.
a girl I work with older sister was in a LTR with someone. She was in her 40s, wanted kids but her DH didn’t. She obliged even though this was something she had always wanted. He then cheated on her, left her got other woman pregnant and now they are together. Friends sister has many regrets and due to age doesn’t want kids herself. She wishes she left him years ago

I think if kids is something you want you need to have an open honest chat whilst you’re still young.

This!

i went out with ‘ Andy for 5 years ‘ he would never have married me or had babies but kept me on a string ! I wasted my late twenties and early thirties with him. I could never ever get him to commit . He just said ‘ we will , I promise !’ After 7 years I had a panic attack on NYE and I decided I could no longer live waiting on someone else .

After two years of being single - I met , got engaged , married , bought a house and had a son with a man who worships me within 3 years !!!!

id still be waiting for ‘Andy !’ . He didn’t really want a baby but couldn’t admit it to me as he didn’t want to lose me. So he was happy to keep me on a string and potentially allow me to never have a baby !!! That isn’t love. Take responsibility. It is your life .

After 5 years - I had a panic attack on NYE*

Agree with those who say it’s reasonable to come off contraception and let him know. Let him take responsibility for condoms or whatever instead if he’s the one who doesn’t want the children.

I was in this position. I knew I'd resent my DP so much if we didn't have a baby, that it would kill the relationship anyway, so I said to him, we get pregnant or split. He decided to go for the baby, but was in the balance for a while. Only you know how important it is for you. I have another friend who decided to forgo a baby and stayed with her DP, she seems happy with her decision. Whatever you do, you've got to own it.

It sounds like time to say that you have run out of time and now plan to be actively trying to be pregnant within the six months, you'd ideally love it if he were the father of your child due to all his excellent qualities and the future you'd hoped you could have together, but if he really doesn't feel he can do that, it is his choice and you'll be off to the sperm bank/dating agency and estate agent next week.

Yes, a family member. Her partner messed her around for years with promises and deferrals, then insisted he needed to take a break from the relationship ‘to sort his head out’. She took him back, he still dragged his feet about marriage, and they’ve just learnt that their most recent IVF cycle has failed. I truly don’t know how she can even look at him.

Yep someone I know found themselves in that situation.

The guy already had children and was sang 'later, later' and my friend went along with it. Spent 10 years with him.

He left her when she was 40yo to go back to his exwife.....

Her biggest regret was the fcat he strung her like this and she missed er opportunity to have dcs.

Whether this couold happen to you is impossible to say though....

@Weenurse , you are saying IVF when you mean AID. They are not the same.

Sorry but that's a crap idea.

What if she actually gets pregnant and he doesnt want the child?
They would split up yes. She would have the child she wants yes. But she woud also have to deal with a father who is very relunctant afther and might well make her lige hell 'because he was trcicked' (and he will feel like that).

Either split or stay together. But a casual 'oh I've come off the pill. If you dont children, use condoms' is not the way to get on about it.

I knew 2 women who hung in for years Hoping their partners would agree to having DC . In both cases they split up with the men going on to have DC with younger women soon after .
Tragically one of the women took her own life .

@KirstenBlest many women do IVF with sperm donor on their own.

I worked for a woman in her 60e whod listened to the "later " , "just the next promotion/traveled/bought a house/bought a bigger house/if I survive the redundancy round..." until it was too late. He left her for a younger woman and did the same again.

About 10 years ago, One of DHs friends was playing that game with his girlfriend, dh had drinks with him and spelt out how shitty it was. The couple broke up and she did go on to have dcs in her late 30s with another man (who was a twat, but that's a different story). Dhs friend went on to marry a lovely woman who had been clear from the start she didn't want dcs either.

If it’s important to you then take control of the situation. You can never turn the clock back. Give an ultimatum, keep to it. Tell him you’ve stopped using contraception.
Also, if he’s got to 40 without kids then he doesn’t want kids. Unless he’s extremely rich, he doesn’t want the hit to his income, his career, his free time and hobbies, his lie-ins, his retirement age etc. Is he extremely rich?

I've had another think about this thread. I feel that we are focusing on having a baby too much. And the comments about how awful men are may be too harsh. 'how she can even look at him'. She had choices. She chose this. Perhaps she should try holding herself to account emotionally.

Women on mn are with abusive, lazy, workaholic men. Men who aren't worth it, in do many ways. But 1000's of mn posters allow themselves to be treated poorly. If they let themselves be treated so badly one has to question their general intelligence, self worth, self esteem, whether they are emotionally astute. Because they clearly can't be, if they don't ever stop to think : 'what's going on here, why am I allowing myself to be treated so badly'. I'm afraid I have little sympathy.

Any woman who wants children should do whatever she can to make sure that happens, and not rely on the whims of one man to decide for her. You only get one life.

Lots of the tone of posts on this subject are from the angle of the man tricking the woman or stringing her along. But presumably each woman who chooses to stay with a man who doesn't want children, is absolutely responsible for that choice, every day she chooses to stay with him. If you stay with him until you're 55 and don't have children because he doesn't want them or keeps putting you off - that's your fault. Look at his actions not his words.

If you can't talk to him about this, and he won't commit to children in the very near future then leave. If you can't talk openly about it then it's not a great relationship.

I would tell him that as you've been discussing having children "one day" and as you are reaching an age where fertility issues can start to become more common you're stopping taking the pill in order to get it out of your system. You'll soon see whether he really does want children or whether he's been bullshitting you. And at least if he has been lying you know now and can start making plans.

I mean this really kindly, as someone who has been through ivf and faced fertility issues later in life, when we ask ourselves these kind of questions we usually already know the answer. You have to listen to what your heart and body is telling you, time is not your friend and regret can be very hard to come to terms with. If you want children, then you have to make it happen for yourself over waiting for someone else to make that decision for you. Xx