Did anyone get strung along by a man that they ended up childless?

[Witsend12s]

I have a thread in relationships about my partner deferring kids. I’m mid 30s and don’t know what to do. He says he wants them all the time, even brings up the topic himself! Then it’s deferred, deferred, deferred. He’s nearly 40. I’m so fed up.

I have had mixed views from friends- leave him or come off the pill without telling him. Neither of which I want to do in an ideal world.

Am I really running the risk of being childless? Can it really come to that after all he’s said about wanting them? So confused and sad.

Do you have any friends that can help share their experiences of leaving it too late? Maybe invite them out for a coffee with DH and tell them your situation. If he could hear the reality of the struggle to conceive after a certain age, it might make him rethink. My DH said ‘I won’t put us through that’ when my good friend was having problems, and so we didn’t leave it too late x

We nearly split up but i stayed because I only wanted children with him. It broke my heart. Even though I learned to deal with it I will never, ever forgive him

But you chose to stay with him. He treated you poorly by leading you on but you ultimately chose him over having children.

"He says he wants them all the time, even brings up the topic himself! Then it’s deferred, deferred, deferred. He’s nearly 40."

I mean this kindly although it won't seem so.

He may not want children at all and his pretence is a particularly cruel variety of Future Faking. But, IF he does want them - then he doesn't want them with YOU. Sorry. One or the other reason is in play. :(

"I have had mixed views from friends- leave him or come off the pill without telling him. Neither of which I want to do in an ideal world."

This is not an ideal world.

"Am I really running the risk of being childless?"

Yes, yes you are. He will keep deferring until you cannot get pregnant. You might stay together, but it's more than likely he'll leave and get a younger woman pregnant.

I sometimes wonder if it's a power play. Whilst you can still get pregnant but don't because he says 'not yet' - well, he's in control of you, isn't he? When you can no longer get pregnant then your fertility is no longer in his control it's in Mother Nature's. The thrill of control is no longer there. Moving on to a younger woman rekindles that thrill. Men who indulge in this behaviour don't really see the women they are with as people, just - accessories to their lifestyle.

If you want children, then find another man to be your partner, because this one will not give you children. Or go it alone. Just don't sit there patiently waiting for him to say 'Yes, now' because that's not going to happen. ((hug))

I cant feel sorry for women who buy this bullshit. Plenty of dick in the sea.

Plenty of dicks in the sea more like

@Fandabulous the staying was my fault. I had just hit 40, chances of meeting someone else and having children were incredibly slim to non existent, mother had just passed away, all my money tied up in our house and our business. So it wasn't so much choosing him as not having the strength to do anything else but survive

Yes, I had been with DH for over a decade, and at 34 I said I want marriage and kids otherwise I am leaving. I had only been nagging him for about two years so it was no means all our relationship I waited around for children because I was never desperate to have children myself.

I didnt particulrly like laying my cards on the table but it was necessary. We got married and had DD. I would have liked a 2nd child, he loves DD to the moon and back but he didnt want another one because it would have been too much hard work, money and was happy as a family of three. Its disappointing, however at least I am not childless. I would rather have one child than not having DH in my life, so I have no regrets in that respect.

Your comment is both ignorant and rude.

Someone’s intelligence is not determined by the relationship they are in. You can be the most intelligent woman in the world and still get caught up in a poor relationship. Because your emotions are a different matter altogether. People often put up with things they shouldn’t, because emotion overrides.

The fact that you are unable to see past the end of your nose and separate the two, shows YOUR lack of intelligence quite frankly.

I couldn't leave xh until I really understood that not wanting children was real. Sounds crazy but wanting a child was so completely central to me as a person that I barely thought about it and just assumed that anyone who didn't want a child had some kind of surface trauma that - of course! - would be Healed by My Love and would discover their Real Self and therefore be happy to have a child with me. What an idiot I was.

Not saying you're an idiot. But he is telling you he doesn't want children. Just not clearly enough for you to hear it. My xh has a vasectomy which was eventually clear enough. I've lived to be grateful to him that he owned his own choices. You need to do the same. This is YOUR life and you choose it every day.

If, on the other hand, having kids is something you'd like but could also see yourself living a happy life without then I wouldn't sacrifice a happy relationship for that.

This. DH and I both had fertility issues and might both have had a better chance of having children with someone else. But we wanted to stay married more.

What I find frustrating about these types of men is that they never seem to communicate effectively- they know that if they are absolutely clear about not wanting children, they will more than likely lose their wife/partner.

But the lack of honesty & trust, poor communication & failure to acknowledge their woman's needs is equally damaging.

As is the "fobbing off" and giving little crumbs to go on.

Who can continue in a relationship like this, where they are framed as a "nag" and disrespected?

@Elsie2022

your DH sounds weak! I’m not sure whether these comments such as ‘he doesn’t mind….he says it’s a woman’s (my) choice….’he didn’t marry me for my eggs’ blah blah, are only put on MN so everyone can think your husband is sweet and you’re so lucky.

I expect my DH to have an opinion about whether or not to have children and not opt out of making such an important decision… being passive does not make him sweet or a feminist it makes him rather useless.

Having a baby is massive, it will affect you mentally, physically and financially and having children needs be a joint decision. I would be so annoyed if someone just said pointless sh*t to appease me.

Where do women find such ‘good’ men!

@Leobynature what a lovely person you are

@browneyes77

"Someone’s intelligence is not determined by the relationship they are in. You can be the most intelligent woman in the world and still get caught up in a poor relationship. "

Don't misquote mean.

I said emotional intelligence. If their emotional intelligence was good they wouldn't get caught up in a poor relationship,

My point remains completely unchanged.

Women can be of extremely high emotional intelligence and still let their emotions overrule. That is the way humans work.

Just because it doesn’t make sense to you personally, doesn’t mean those women are fools.

Many women have full awareness that they are in poor relationships, but walking away from them isn’t always easy. Even though they know they should. The emotional intelligence is absolutely there in having that awareness. The courage to walk away is the hard part.

If you had any emotional intelligence yourself, you would know this. But it appears you cannot see past your own narrow mindset.

I agree with @browneyes77

i know quite a few people stuck in relationships like this but feel they can’t get anyone better / need the financial security / ‘love him and hope he changes his mind’ etc

He absolutely is fobbing you off, but you’re LETTING him.
If trying for kids by a certain age is a dealbreaker, the deal has been broken. You have to put what you want first here, because your body is not going to wait for him to decide it’s time.

Ultimately you have to make the choice.

I disagree. That final part, the courage to leave, because you do actually have enough self respect to realise that the relationship is not actually healthy, you do actually deserve more, is still a part of emotional intelligence. That they are lacking. They can't make that final connection. But outsiders or a counsellor could see it.

There Was an interesting thread a few days ago about what we as parents hope to teach our children prior to them going off to uni.
Admittedly I don't have dd's, only ds's, but if I did, I would hope that as part of my parental duty is to teach my dd's to have enough self worth and to be emotionally astute enough to not allow what has happened to other posters below.

You wouldn't wish it on anyone would you? So our duty is to make sure dd's of this generation have enough self worth to not let that happen.

And are you also going to teach your sons that they shouldn't fob off womens life plans just because they don't want to be truthful? It's not just womens problem. Men shouldn't lie about these things.

I had conversations about the future with DH very early on in our relationship as it seemed natural to me to find out if he wanted kids how many etc. I was 18 and years off that point - but was trying to ascertain if we were on the same page long term as I'd known from a young age I really wanted children

I've been told on here, in RL and in media that this type of thing shouldn't be raised till much much later on - years into relationships (unless very late 30s) - when lives and hearts are interwinned.

So I do think women need to be told it's fine to lay their wants and needs out and as early as possible - with obvious thing that life happens and people' wants can change. While having fun is fine if you want a long term partner to build a life with making sure aspirations/values etc mesh has to be a priorty rather than cross fingers and hope it all comes together as many people do.

I also think men need to been told much more about their own declining fertlity which is rarely mentioned in media - and made more aware of women's as well.

People will still end up in this situation as life happens - but better communication and more knowledge may help a few - though I agree future fakers will always be out there.

I hate ultimatums but your situation is the one and only exception I would make - because you're in a loving relationship, your age is a major deciding factor here, and he says he wants kids. He has time, you don't (I know, there are many exceptions to pregnancy and age, but you get the broad brush idea)...time to tell him this has to happen over the next year or you have to move on. I know a woman who was sitting along since literally uni by the same guy (who cheated on her a lot btw) and she always wanted kids, but she never had them as he just kept putting her off. She's way past pregnancy age now and still with him. She will never have kids. It's a possibility he will move on and have kids with someone else at some point as he is a selfish a hole.

If you want children, he’s not so much stealing your fertile years as you are giving them away.

You know that right now he doesn’t want children. You have limited time, so it’s fully on you as to what you want to do about it. You’re responsible for your fertility, and for how you want your life to look. If you want children you need to leave him and find someone on the same page as you.