Did anyone get strung along by a man that they ended up childless?

[Witsend12s]

I have a thread in relationships about my partner deferring kids. I’m mid 30s and don’t know what to do. He says he wants them all the time, even brings up the topic himself! Then it’s deferred, deferred, deferred. He’s nearly 40. I’m so fed up.

I have had mixed views from friends- leave him or come off the pill without telling him. Neither of which I want to do in an ideal world.

Am I really running the risk of being childless? Can it really come to that after all he’s said about wanting them? So confused and sad.

A few anecdotes:

My Mum’s friend. Strung along by her husband until he left her for a younger woman whom he immediately had children with. Endured years of failed fertility treatments and miscarriages with her new partner. Is now mid-50s and childless, but very happily married.

Male work colleague many years ago. Very, very proud father to two girls, worked flexi-time around their school/childcare, desk covered in photos, always talking about them, etc. One day admitted to our office that he hadn’t really wanted children but his wife gave him a ‘now or never’ ultimatum. Said it was the best thing she ever did!

My ex-boyfriend in my 20s. Not child-related but part of the same Peter Pan little boy never growing up thing. Together for 9 years. He dragged his feet on buying a house. He didn’t even rent with me, just split his time between my house and his Mum’s. Didn’t want me to buy a house without him, but didn’t want to commit either. I gave an ultimatum (I buy one now, with or without you) and we split two weeks before the completion date. He moved back in with his Mum. Fortunately there’s no time limit on buying a house, so harm no foul - but I imagine it would have been the same thing over again with children.

Moral: You need to take control of the situation.

Tell him that by x date you want to start TTC - with him or via IVF. Up to him to stay or go, but you'll be having a baby.

@Only4You , the terms aren't interchangeable. You can have AID without IVF, and IVF without AID.

Have seen it happen several times and many but not all involved the man quickly having children with the next GF. Two times it looked like a conscious attempt to destroy the first, childless women. Both those times the man was desperate to appear a 'nice' guy and not be judged for his overall bullying, coercive behaviour, not just the reproductive power play.

@HowIsItMarchAlready , you mean AID not IVF

If you don't want a 'what if' then tell him you are stopping contraception. If he starts wearing a condom or it looks like sex and fertility tracking appear correlated then end it. At least that way you won't end it and worry he might have come right in the end.

🎯

Actions speak louder than words. He can talk all he likes about 'cute babies' and 'wanting babies' but it is just a load of hot air unless he starts making some plans, which he hasn't. He is stringing you along by saying all the stuff you want to hear just so you stay with him.

Also you are not married and, while that could totally be your choice of course, it could be seen as his lack of commitment to you and the relationship overall.

I would not trick him, that is not right or fair. However if you want kids I would give him an ultimatum and it would be a quick deadline if it were me with no extension possible.

Wow. How cruel

You are mid 30's now. Fertility declines sharply from 35. You don't have time for him to muck around - either he agrees to DC now, or you leave and find someone else who is interested while it's all still possible.

Of course you are running the risk of ending up without a family!

NO man is worth sacrificing children for.

I was with someone who proposed but I left him, for other reasons, but it was a waste of two years as he didn't actually want marriage and kids. Poor DH went white when I asked him if he did at the end of our first date. No way was I wasting any time with someone who didn't want what I wanted. No man is that special.

So, so many amongst friends, work colleagues etc

The old -We dont want children line. It is our choice.
Age 45-50 he leaves for a younger woman. Baby within a year.
Woman typically devastated and starts long process of unsuccessful IVF.

I am 55. I don't want friends with bloody babies.

You are mid 30's now. Fertility declines sharply from 35. You don't have time for him to muck around - either he agrees to DC now, or you leave and find someone else who is interested while it's all still possible.

"*She wouldn't be getting Sex"
*
Ugh sorry you sound awful.

I know a couple of people this happened to. One couple were together about 15 years, she wanted a child, he was never ready. Eventually he left her and it was too late age wise for her to start again and have a baby with someone else.

Neither of them had settled long term since and neither of them has a child. Such a waste for her and it makes me sad to think about it.

My dh is 3.5yrs younger than me. We met when I was 29 and he was 25/6. Once things got serious between us I was really clear about timelines. It makes me laugh now (but wasn't funny at the time!) but he had a ' 5 year plan' in his own mind about marriage /babies etc. We had a chat about it and I pointed out that a 5 year plan might work for him but most likely would push things into the danger zone age wise for me.

In the end we got married when I was 33 and had dc when I was 34. Once dc was 2 years old we tried for a second baby and hit a wall of unexplained infertility. We had unsuccessful treatments and eventually a miscarriage at 13 weeks. We spent 8 years trying and it made me so incredibly grateful that we started when we did and that we were lucky enough to conceive dc on our first month of 'trying' as we had no idea what a struggle it would all turn out to be.

Don't waste your valuable fertile years on him OP if you want a baby.

@moochingminny you DO NOT have to stay in the bed you have made. Don't be the wimp you say you are and leave. He isn't worth missing out on kids and potentially grandchildren. It might not be too late !

There should be some bloody law against men doing this to their partners over 30 :{

tell him its now or never.
my DH dragged his feet. We now have 1 DC but feel too old to risk another. And he feels quite guilty about it.
dont do that to YOURSELF
as others have said- he can waste your time and go impregnate a 25 yr old.

but I suspect you were advised this the last time.

Should there be a law against women who dither about having DC? Or is it different cos men have 'no biological clock' in theory though their fertility does decline. But there is always Boris.

This.

have a baby on your own

Worked with a woman whose married lover was always deferring leaving his wife. Colleague never married, never had children. Another colleague brought her children into work one day, and the Other Woman Colleague watched them through her tears.
'Love' isn't worth it.

No thé issue is more about men who KNOWINGLY ditter along, say the right things to appease the woman whilst having no real intention to ever have a child.

Don't risk waiting. I've missed out on children but for different reasons.

Before I was about 32 I was well & healthy; a party girl, & thought I had all the time in the world to settle down & have a baby.

Then mental illness struck and I lost my career & my health... I'm 45 and sadly childless; I never did get to meet 'the right man' for a long term relationship; if I'd been well enough I'd have had a child on my own but I'm not well enough for long enough.

Your circumstances are very different.
I've known several women give up their dream of a child because their (usually older) partner didn't want any or more children.
They've all tried to bridge the gap with pets but no, it's not the same.

If you want a baby, act now!!

This happened to me. We discussed it many times before we married, both on the same page, family oriented and then a few years in after we sold both our houses and moved to a large family home he changed his mind. We nearly split up but i stayed because I only wanted children with him. It broke my heart. Even though I learned to deal with it I will never, ever forgive him.

This is me. Got with DP in our early 30s. He already had 2 daughters. We talked about children, he was all for it. Just not yet. He would quite like a son, but he doesn't really mind. Just not yet.

It's now 8 years later. I'm pushing 40. It's still not the right time. His girls are going through some stuff. He needs to focus on them. His work is hectic. We'd need a bigger house. Etc.

I'm on medication now that I can't take while pregnant, so it all needs to be carefully planned. It's just not going to happen. But I get to listen to him whine about how stressful it is having kids. I think he thinks I should be grateful.

"There should be some bloody law against men doing this to their partners over 30 "

Err no. There should be a discussion about why so many women are stupid enough to put up with this shit.