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Original poster

Did anyone get strung along by a man that they ended up childless?

170 replies

Witsend12s · 16/05/2022 11:47

I have a thread in relationships about my partner deferring kids. I’m mid 30s and don’t know what to do. He says he wants them all the time, even brings up the topic himself! Then it’s deferred, deferred, deferred. He’s nearly 40. I’m so fed up.

I have had mixed views from friends- leave him or come off the pill without telling him. Neither of which I want to do in an ideal world.

Am I really running the risk of being childless? Can it really come to that after all he’s said about wanting them? So confused and sad.

OP posts:
Elsie2022 · 16/05/2022 12:54

@starrynight21 male fertility does decline though. At a more subtle rate than women but it does decline. in fact, male fertility starts to decrease around age 40-45. Also unless you are rupert murdoch,I can't think of many 30 year old women who want to be with an 80 year old man.

Libertybear80 · 16/05/2022 12:57

I left him after 7 years and went onto have two girls. I don't regret one thing.

Elsie2022 · 16/05/2022 12:59

Or you could suggest to your DH to use the withdrawal method. See how he reacts.

DH and I have been using it exclusively for 8 years (and I am in my 20s). No pills, no condom, no IUD. We have never gotten pregnant but according to the stats, we are an outlier. In theory, I am dithering about TTC but at the same time, I am not actually using conventional contraception. whether i get pregnant or not is up to my DH in a sense (though I know him and know that he would always pull out).

WandaWomblesaurus · 16/05/2022 13:00

Nearly happened to me with my ex. It's also happened to friends of mine. Do not let him take the opportunity away from you. X

Notbluepeter · 16/05/2022 13:03

He's a future faker. It's easy for future him to want children.
Having my DS filled a place in my heart that I didn't know was empty. Could you afford to do it alone?

glamosaurus · 16/05/2022 13:03

If you know you want children and to become a mother then do not waste your precious fertile years on any man not on the same page as you.

fossilsmorefossils · 16/05/2022 13:11

I did end up having a child but my ex tried the dithering technique. We were together for 13 years and it was always "not now" and "I don't know if I want kids" but when I tried to leave he did want them but just "not now". Five months after we broke up his new girlfriend was pregnant. Planned. He just didn't want kids with me but was fine with maybe leaving me childless. I actually spoke to him about it and he said that in the end it was my choice to stay with him and he was never going to ttc with me because he wanted children with a black woman because it makes him look cooler to have a black woman and mixed race children (I wish I was making this up). He just didn't care if he ended up making my life miserable. He seemed very loving while we were together but stone cold after.

Do NOT waste your fertility on anyone. They won't stay anyway. Men over 30 know if they want kids or not. Don't do "next year" or whatever. Either you start TTC THiS week or it's over. Not next month, not next week. Not after the promotion or whatever stressful event he can think up. Now. Or start packing.

MaryAndHerNet · 16/05/2022 13:15

Top tip for life.

Dont listen to their words, listen to their actions.

His words are saying he wants kids, his actions are saying different.

Run away.

fossilsmorefossils · 16/05/2022 13:15

I did put in paragraphs. Sorry.

Moodycow78 · 16/05/2022 13:15

He doesn't want kids, he knows what's involved and what you need to do. If he wanted them too you'd have them by now. If you want kids you'll need to trap him (not recommended) or move on (I'd do this one) x

EurovisionTragic · 16/05/2022 13:16

You need to tell your DP you want a child.

If he says no, then you have a choice to make.

DH with no DC, or
DC without him

I love my DH but I’d pick my DC over him in a heartbeat.

TheDaydreamBelievers · 16/05/2022 13:17

I am not in this situation but would add caution from my experience of fertility challenges - we are hitting mid 30s, several years into trying. Before trying we did not think there would be any issues. Especially as for me the contraceptive pill was hiding issues. You don't know that it would be fast when you do try, esp in late 30s when most people's fertility has declined.

moomintrolls · 16/05/2022 13:18

Yes, you run the risk of becoming childless.

I wouldn't risk it personally. You have a valid reason to break up with him. I'd sit him down and have a conversation about whether he wants to have children or not. The idea of having a child with him that he doesn't want is the most stupid, short-sighted and terrible advice, so don't do that.

It should be easy to find a man, once you've got rid of this time waster, who wants what you want, and you can be clear from the get-go it's what you want so as not to waste any further time.

Many men want a family and to be a dad and husband. Just go find them, even online.

ThreeRingCircus · 16/05/2022 13:19

I can imagine it's incredibly difficult OP to imagine leaving but I absolutely would if he keeps kicking the can down the road.

He is nearly 40, if he's not ready now I suspect that he never will be. If he loved you and wanted children then he knows that your fertility is time-sensitive and should agree to start trying. I think you need this conversation with him but be prepared to leave if he doesn't agree to start trying.

AntarcticTern · 16/05/2022 13:21

My friend wasted 10 years on her ex who kept promising marriage and children. Finally she dumped him, and happily she did meet someone else and have a little girl.

Blahblahaha · 16/05/2022 13:23

I would tell him that you are going to stop contraception, if he is not comfortable with that the he needs to take responsibility for it and then tell him if after X amount of time if he is still not comfortable you will be seeking sperm donor as you do want to be a parent. This gives him a heads up, a timeline and your body time to adjust so if he doesn't want to, you know you are ready.

Twizbe · 16/05/2022 13:26

@fossilsmorefossils omg. Your ex is horrific! Thank god he's your ex.

Mamapep · 16/05/2022 13:27

I know a few people who’ve waited and ultimately remained childless.

Stopping taking the pill without your partner’s knowledge is obviously unfair.
You either leave, or make the decision together. Either way you need to take the bull by the horns.

CoastalWave · 16/05/2022 13:28

Yes. I left my then fiancé after no sign of him changing his mind (other than yes yes, maybe next year etc)

Fast forward 10 years, he's now married to someone else (something he also wouldn't nail down with me) BUT he's childless. He obviously definitely did not want kids (and nothing wrong with that) We are actually still really good friends, so I'm under no illusion that if I had stayed, I would have remained childless. We had a great relationship (and in some ways still do!!) but kids wasn't for him.

If it's a deal breaker for you, you need to leave and find a man for whom it's not a deal breaker.

Oscarthedog · 16/05/2022 13:34

Many men don't want kids sounds like he doesn't so you either leave him or choose being childless. I know if my partner stopped taking contraceptives she wouldn't be getting sex (we always double up protection). And doing it on the sly to get pregnant is pretty poor and the sort of thing I think men shouldn't be on the hook for paying for in the future.

daretodenim · 16/05/2022 13:34

This nearly happened to me. I left him and planned to get my own via a sperm bank. You have to leave him. One of two things will happens. After a couple of years he will realise his mistake and beg for you to come back and you can negotiate children. Or he won't but by then you will realise you are strong and independent and can do it on your own and in fact would prefer it because you don't have to deal with in laws and a stupid partner all the time. At the moment what are you getting? Time is ticking. The absolute hardest part is leaving and the rest gets easier. Sperm costs about a grand and you don't need IVF, they just put the sperm in at a clinic*
You have three choices now: 1. Stay with him and live in hope 2. Stay with him and give up hope of kids 3. Decide if you want kids more then him. If yes, you need to leave.
If I were in this situation again, what the poster did in bold is what I'd do. It's hard being a single parent but it's even harder when you've got a lack-lustre ex and his family on the scene. Being entirely independent definitely has advantages. It's also hard parenting with a father/partner who can't be arsed and leaves it all to you and you have to negotiate with. It's not what we've been brought up to do but given how many of us end up with partners who don't pull their weight and/or divorced, just getting on with it alone has clear advantages!

TequilaShot · 16/05/2022 13:39

Yes this happened to a friend. He would always defer by giving her an ultimatum. It was a baby or a holiday. Then a baby or a new house, this went on for years. Finally he dumped her and moved in with a work colleague and what was the first thing they did? Yep, have a baby. Do not wait around for him!!

Katya213 · 16/05/2022 13:42

I have two friends this happened to and both their partners had found other partners within a year and were married within a year after that. It was really awful for my friends as they both were nearing 40 , both desperately wanted to be mothers and the only reason why they had put motherhood off was because their exes had told them they didn’t want children and yet they had 5 between them with their wives. I think it’s a wicked thing to do on somebody.

Owen456 · 16/05/2022 13:49

Yep I had this kept saying he wanted them , we got engaged etc… turns out he didn’t it all just to keep me there . Did 7 years of it and excuse after excuse. So I got rid and I’m now happy with someone else and expecting our first child next month. I’m 33 so wasn’t waiting around for anymore excuses . Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do what will make you happy . If your desperate for a family I’d get rid as it sounds like he’s just stringing you along.

ChloeHel · 16/05/2022 13:51

Why don’t you just tell him you are coming off your contraception, and just stop taking it? You’ll soon see whether or not he wants to have children.

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