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Original poster

Partner going in stag do 19 days after birth

169 replies

CallmeDeaconBlue · 06/05/2022 14:09

My partner is the best man at a friend's wedding this Summer and hated to let people down. However, they booked their stag party in Portugal last year while I was pregnant. The trip was booked for 34 days after my due date. However, our baby was 15 days late so she is now only 16 days old and he goes away in 2 days time. I can't help but feel really let down by this. I had a traumatic labour and am still recovering. He only had 9 days off with her and I just feel this could be time he could be here for us. It's really making me sad and feel let down. I've tried to tell him but he gets defensive how it's all paid for and he can't let them all down. I just wondered everyone elses thoughts on this. Whilst I don't want him to let his friends down I feel like he's letting us down instead.
If it helps, he's away for 3 nights. So not ages. I just want to feel less sad about it to be honest. It feels like it's going to be a hard few days by myself and just wish he was going to be here.

OP posts:
ginnybag · 06/05/2022 14:13

Do you have any other support you can call in? 3 day isn't unsurvivable.

I can see why you feel he shouldn't go and are feeling let down, but I can also see why he feels he should go, and that if you didn't want him to, now is too late to say that.

What was the discussion at the time it was booked?

Squiff70 · 06/05/2022 14:15

Where do his priorities lie? Surely with his wife and new baby? You need to be very firm on this. Tell him you're still in pain, tired, very hormonal (understandably!) and need him at home whilst you establish a routine and bond with your new baby.

I'm 24 weeks pregnant and if my DP decided to swan off for a great time in another country with a load of mates for three days, right after I gave birth whilst I'm doing EVERYTHING to care for OUR baby I'd chop his passport into tiny little pieces!

TonySmart · 06/05/2022 14:20

Hmm. If he's best man and had planned all along to go I would want to try and make it work so he can go. It's not an every day thing.

Could a family member stay with you for a couple days?

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Loopytiles · 06/05/2022 14:22

Yes, he’s choosing to let you down, rather than his friends.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/05/2022 14:24

Don’t be sad be angry- men are soo selfish!

watcherintherye · 06/05/2022 14:29

As you said, he wasn’t to know when it was all arranged, that it was only going to be 19 days after the birth. It’s very unfortunate, but I guess he would lose the cost of the weekend away, if he just didn’t go? Is there anyone - parents, siblings, other relatives, close friends who could give you some support for 3 days?

resuwen · 06/05/2022 14:31

Honestly, if this was my OH, I'd expect him to go. I would be bloody annoyed at the general unfairness of it all, but I'd still not ask him to stay a wouldn't expect him to. Your closest friends are important too and a stag/wedding is an big milestone in their lives. Not the same, I know, but my OH went to a Hag do with mutual friends when I was 7 months pregnant. I inwardly seethed, and probably shed the odd tear. But I felt it was right for him to be there.

knowinglesseveryday · 06/05/2022 14:32

It's not ideal, at all, but in your shoes I'd leave it. I remember those early baby days, and what is he doing is catching up on sleep or decamping to a relative.

RedWingBoots · 06/05/2022 14:34

I'm surprised between you that you haven't arranged for a family member or close friend to stay to help you.

Both of you seem to be poor planners e.g. he shouldn't have booked the trip as babies aren't on time. However as soon as he had between you, you should have found someone to help you out.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 06/05/2022 14:37

He doesn’t like to let people down…. Except you.
I wouldn’t be happy about being on my own with a new baby for 3 days and nights.

Would he be happy to have the baby on his own for that amount of time?

Make sure you get lots of breaks and undisturbed sleep before and after he comes back. He needs to take time of work to make sure this happens.

Even if you are breastfeeding, he can look after the baby completely and just bring him/her to you for feeds. If he thinks this is too much hard work for him, ask why he thinks you should be capable of it if he isn’t.

HolyMoly22 · 06/05/2022 14:37

resuwen · 06/05/2022 14:31

Honestly, if this was my OH, I'd expect him to go. I would be bloody annoyed at the general unfairness of it all, but I'd still not ask him to stay a wouldn't expect him to. Your closest friends are important too and a stag/wedding is an big milestone in their lives. Not the same, I know, but my OH went to a Hag do with mutual friends when I was 7 months pregnant. I inwardly seethed, and probably shed the odd tear. But I felt it was right for him to be there.

Same for me really.
I would be ask my mum to come and stay

AnneElliott · 06/05/2022 14:40

He's a selfish shit - no advice op. My H fucked off for a jolly while I was seriously I'll leaving me with a primary aged DS. I've never forgiven him.

Agree that maybe you should see if you can get some family help but really why should you have to? It's his baby too!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 06/05/2022 14:40

Discussion should have happened before it was booked. But it was booked and all planned.

What exactly are you worried about? Being alone with baby? Being tired? Recovery issues (as we all recover differently)

My DH had to go away on a work trip for a few months when DD1 was 10 days old. (Army). Although I did have help from friends and family, it wasn't constant as we were living abroad. But honestly... it was fine. He can make sure the fridge is fully stocked full of easy o prepare and eat food. You don't to worry about getting dressed etc. Baby just wants cuddles. Sod the housework

Sunnytwobridges · 06/05/2022 14:41

I would be annoyed for a bit but would get over it. I was a single mom from my DDs birth so I guess I see it that many single moms do it so it's doable to be alone with baby for 3 days. Maybe not fair but you will get thru it. Do you have anyone that can help out while he's gone?

ShadowPuppets · 06/05/2022 14:46

I’m perfectly confident with my DC but I’d be really fucked off at that. Frankly he shouldn’t have booked it anyway - I was still recovering from a traumatic birth 5 weeks after DD arrived so there’s no guarantees that even if your DC had been on time you’d have been merrily waving him off.

I don’t think at this stage I’d be telling him to stay, because frankly I wouldn’t want him to be staying home because I’d told him so - I’m not his mum. But I would be sorting myself out some other support and making it damn clear to him that he was flagging where his priorities lay.

DC2 is due any day now DH and I have agreed ‘no firm childfree plans’ in a 12 week window from 2 weeks prior to due date to 10 weeks after. That’s not to say I won’t encourage him off on a night out at 6 weeks post partum if all is grand, but birth recovery and supporting the arrival of new baby is the priority for both of us for that window and I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

elbea · 06/05/2022 14:48

@Aroundtheworldin80moves I had exactly the same, short deployment at 10 days but I’m lockdown so no help. It was fine although I’d been dreading it. I got loads of nice Charlie Bingham’s meals a hung out on the sofa watching box sets and went on our one allowed walk a day. Absolutely no housework and when he returned he took over and I had a great rest!

Hariboqueen1 · 06/05/2022 14:49

I think its fine I dont think hes done anything wrong. Its only 3 days it will go quickly, I dont think you should ask him to cancel. He is not choosing friends over you he is just going on a stag do that was already booked.

HorribleHerstory · 06/05/2022 14:52

Congratulations on your baby OP. My ex went out drinking with his mates and had sex with another woman when our baby was 9 days old so I was alone with a new baby for a lot more than three days and nights! Being happy about having to look after the baby on my own didn’t really come into it. I say this to let you know I understand it’s daunting, but I think he’s right about going. It was booked when you already knew your due date, due dates mean that most babies will be born within three weeks of that date so it was a risk you all took really. There isn’t that much difference between looking after a 2 week old baby to looking after a 4 weeks old baby. I know you feel you signed up for it knowing baby would be young but not that young, but honestly it was ill timed from the start. That doesn’t make it easier but it does make it right that he should go because you all agreed to it previously.

Get some supplies in, make a lovely big nest on the bed or sofa and spend the time relaxing with your baby and eating all the food. Get a really good book series or box set. I read so many more books with my newborn dc than I have managed since!

SharonWattsCrispyExtensions · 06/05/2022 14:54

'traumatic labour and still recovering' is the main point.

He should sit this one out. And I'm generally very easygoing about stag weekends etc.

Ponderingwindow · 06/05/2022 14:55

There is no chance my DH would have left me alone for 3 days at that point. Even if she wasn’t late, I’m surprised he even planned the trip.

TunaSalad · 06/05/2022 15:01

You can manage for 3 days OP, just snuggle up, leave the housework and stuff till he gets back, get comfy with lots of treats and get some uninterrupted bonding time with the baby.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 06/05/2022 15:02

Ask him if he had been through major surgery (birth is a hugely physically traumatic event even with minimal intervention), then you went away for 3 days and left him still in the depths of recovery with a 2 week old baby, what he would think of you.

MintyMoocow · 06/05/2022 15:13

Let him go, you can hold this over him forever.

2pinkginsplease · 06/05/2022 15:16

It's a one off. Yeah your baby is new but you'll be just fine. If it was a weekly occurrence then I'd be passed off but it's not.

Use the time to catch up with family or friends. Do you have a female relative or friend that could come and stay with you?

balalake · 06/05/2022 15:18

I don't think he should have agreed to this to begin with. He should remain at home.

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