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Original poster

Partner going in stag do 19 days after birth

169 replies

CallmeDeaconBlue · 06/05/2022 14:09

My partner is the best man at a friend's wedding this Summer and hated to let people down. However, they booked their stag party in Portugal last year while I was pregnant. The trip was booked for 34 days after my due date. However, our baby was 15 days late so she is now only 16 days old and he goes away in 2 days time. I can't help but feel really let down by this. I had a traumatic labour and am still recovering. He only had 9 days off with her and I just feel this could be time he could be here for us. It's really making me sad and feel let down. I've tried to tell him but he gets defensive how it's all paid for and he can't let them all down. I just wondered everyone elses thoughts on this. Whilst I don't want him to let his friends down I feel like he's letting us down instead.
If it helps, he's away for 3 nights. So not ages. I just want to feel less sad about it to be honest. It feels like it's going to be a hard few days by myself and just wish he was going to be here.

OP posts:
CheeseComa · 06/05/2022 18:05

You will be fine, it's only three days. Many single mothers have to do it all alone from day one. Get your DH to stock the fridge with nice food, do laundry and clean before he leaves. Find some nice things you can watch on Netflix while baby sleeps and try to rest as much as possible whenever you get the chance.

FairWindClearSailing · 06/05/2022 18:06

He should have opted out of this at the beginning... Leaving your wife and newborn is a shitty thing to do honestly.

Only4You · 06/05/2022 18:08

NoraNancy · 06/05/2022 17:54

You know its really not that hard. Many people have to look after a baby alone all the time, whether as a single mum, partner in Forces etc. Get on with it. It's 3 days

You know most people realised before that leaving a woman who had given birth less than one month before was NOT a good idea. That’s why there was a support system in place around women, from family, NDN, friends etc…

Saying that if some women manage fine because their DH is arm forces etc… then all Women should do it too is crap.
It’s saying that en do NOT need to step up in their role a s a father and a partner and can carry on with their life as if they were single because …. women are supposed to be able to cope all on their own, be independent etc… and should never never ask anyone, let alone a man like their partner, to help (unless it’s another woman of course like their mum or sister).

And that’s crap.

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grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 06/05/2022 18:10

I'm sorry, but I think you are overreacting. It's been planned. He's a best man. It's not like he's going to the place too far away. You are not in danger, so is your baby.

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 06/05/2022 18:13

"A newborn surely trumps a stag do doesn't it?"

This ^

I don't get all this 'male bonding' crap that needs destination stag do's, but then I suppose I'm not "cool".

springtimeishereagain · 06/05/2022 18:14

It's only three nights. You can do this. Presumably you agreed it with him to begin with, knowing your Dc could be late?

He could be in the armed forces, or work nights, or you could be a single parent... they have to cope.

Can you ask any friends or family to help?

Friends are important too. And your h can't cancel at this late stage!

Think of the weekend away you can claim in return when your baby is a bit older!

BakewellGin1 · 06/05/2022 18:22

I'm the opposite here...

It was planned for over a month after due date. Its unlucky baby was late and dates are now closer together however I wouldn't expect DH to not go - unless in exceptional circumstances such as special care etc.

It's 3 nights during which I personally would be planning on snuggles, snacks and shit TV.

However I also booked to go on a 2 night hen weekend for a family member when DS was 6 weeks old, DH returned to work 2 weeks after the birth as we had no option and I also hate being fussed around so was glad to be on my own. Possibly not the best person to ask advice from.

iggybop · 06/05/2022 18:34

@Only4You

Ah the age old LTB. Its as easy as 123

fancyfrogs · 06/05/2022 18:35

I think it's not the best timing and unfortunately not quite as planned given baby was late but that should have been thought about when it was booked so never mind. But if it were me I wouldn't expect my DH not to go. 3 days I'm sure you'll be fine, try and be organised - do a good shop before he goes and set yourself up a cosy sofa corner and you'll be fine.

HelloBarkness · 06/05/2022 18:37

WouldBeGood · 06/05/2022 16:58

I think it will be fine. I can understand you feeling sad, but it’s only 3 days. Get him to stock up the fridge and snuggle in with your baby.

This. Get yourself some ready meals, snacks and nice drinks. A six foot charger lead and download a new box set. Don't worry about housework, set yourself up a nest and if possible get your closest friends and family to look in on you.

I don't understand destination stag dos really, but if it's been booked and paid for, it's only three days, and he's generally a good partner to you, then I would expect him to go. As long as he didn't come home useless and hungover for the next week. When is he back to work after paternity leave?

Congratulations on your new baby!

cherrymax · 06/05/2022 18:43

OP, I can see why you are feeling sad and probably a bit abandoned but I can also see that he'd feel bad pulling out at this stage.

If he's definitely going then I think do what you can to make the best of it rather than stay resentful which will make you feel worse.

Send him to M&S to get all your favourite foods, a few nice ready meals and easy to grab stuff.
He can get the house all clean and cosy for you.
See if you can enlist some help from family and friends then just chill with your baby.
No pressure to do anything or go anywhere.

doingitforthegirls · 06/05/2022 18:48

Honestly what do you need him there for?? When did women lose the ability to actually parent on their own for a few hours/ days.

It's been booked a while and yes you'd be unreasonable to expect him not to go

SharonWattsCrispyExtensions · 06/05/2022 18:54

doingitforthegirls · 06/05/2022 18:48

Honestly what do you need him there for?? When did women lose the ability to actually parent on their own for a few hours/ days.

It's been booked a while and yes you'd be unreasonable to expect him not to go

you sound as pleasant as a wet fart.

aSofaNearYou · 06/05/2022 19:13

NoraNancy · 06/05/2022 17:54

You know its really not that hard. Many people have to look after a baby alone all the time, whether as a single mum, partner in Forces etc. Get on with it. It's 3 days

Let's hope people like this have zero involvement in post natal care!

Squiff70 · 06/05/2022 19:15

doingitforthegirls · 06/05/2022 18:48

Honestly what do you need him there for?? When did women lose the ability to actually parent on their own for a few hours/ days.

It's been booked a while and yes you'd be unreasonable to expect him not to go

Never has a MN username been less appropriate.

TheCanyon · 06/05/2022 19:25

I do understand why you're upset but it is only 3 days.

My dh went on his best mates stag weekend when our dts were 10 days old and in nicu. Was purposely planned for when I was only 31 weeks so thought we'd be safe. I had a 4 and 3 year old at home too. It was absolutely fine, apart from them going for one for the road when they got back to our town.

USaYwHatNow · 06/05/2022 19:30

I think you're being a bit unfair. It was booked whilst you were pregnant, you had the opportunity to voice your concerns then. Not all babies arrive on their 'due' date, your little one didn't and now it's an issue? As pp have said, can you arrange for someone to come and support you? Mum? Friend? Another relative. Its 3 days.

BetsHilton · 06/05/2022 19:31

He shouldn’t have agreed to go but at this stage it’s probably too late to back out. However I would be telling him, ok you are going in two days. So he has two days to make sure the house completely cleaned and all laundry done with clean clothes for you and multiple clean outfits for baby, shopping done with lots of easy snacks etc for you, plenty of nappies for baby and meals batch cooked in fridge for you so you only need to pop them in the microwave and him taking baby as much as possible before he goes so you get a bit of time for a shower etc. That’s the least he should be doing. Will he do this if you ask @CallmeDeaconBlue

Eightiesfan · 06/05/2022 19:34

To be honest I would have been jumping for joy if DP had booked to go away for a few days after the birth of DS1 (not sure I would have felt the same when DS2 was born a couple of years later). While he was on paternity leave towards the end I was ready to boot him out of the house just to stop his constant fussing.

Unlike PP I do not think this is an issue, you might even surprise yourself with how well you cope and enjoy the time with just you and baby.

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 06/05/2022 19:37

I wouldn't mind my DH going tbf I'd probably encourage him to. My DS is 13 months old now and I found the newborn stage the easiest, he was so so easy back then. I used to LOVE doing the night feeds because I'd binge watch Netflix (it was Vampire Diaries at the time) whilst he breast fed or whilst I pumped through the night.
You will be fine. You don't need him there really. And it's only 3 days. If you have your mum, sister or a close friend who could maybe check in on you aswell then even better but if it were me I'd let him go. That's just IMO.
But then again I am talking with a 13 month old. Maybe if I was in your shoes and it was happening to me at the time back then I would also be nervous but I'd have my mum up here to help if I needed it and I know she would. So depends on your situation.

Congrats on your new baby by the way ☺️

WhatWouldHarveyDo · 06/05/2022 19:41

You’re still recovering after a traumatic birth, you shouldn’t have to ask him not to go, he shouldn’t want to leave you. I would think much less of my partner if he did this, it shows a lot about his priorities and character.

DoctorZog · 06/05/2022 19:45

I understand why you're sad and I'm sorry that you're in this situation. Honestly, a trip even 34 days after the birth seems massively optimistic and should never have been, but as first time parents I can see why it might have seemed ok at the time. Anyway, the holiday has been booked and paid for, and as the best man he really can't back out now - he'd be letting people down and I can see why he wouldn't want to. If he wasn't the best man, or if you'd had a csection and were finding it difficult to move around, then perhaps you could make more of a case for him staying, but I think in this instance, he's right to go, although the pair of you were obviously pretty naive for booking it in the first place. Is there someone who can help out? Can you mum or MIL stay for a couple of days? Or can you visit someone? Best of luck. I know it seems daunting, but it'll be ok. Babies at this stage only want their mums anyway. Send DH out for supplies, so that you don't have to worry about going out, cooking etc. Enjoy the snuggles, be lazy, it won't be as bad as you think.

Bagadverts · 06/05/2022 19:47

MintyMoocow · 06/05/2022 15:13

Let him go, you can hold this over him forever.

don’t do this. Speak up or not but storing up things for “ammunition” won’t help if you try to use it in the future.

Iflyaway · 06/05/2022 19:51

you should have found someone to help you out.

Easier said than done.

How about HIM "should have found someone to help you out."

Sorry to hear that OP. But tells you all you need to know. He puts mates before his wife and new-born.

InFiveMins · 06/05/2022 19:52

You are being overly dramatic about it. He's entitled to go on holiday and it's only three days! It's unfair of you to be putting him in this position and guilt tripping him into staying. Let him go and have a good time.