Partner going in stag do 19 days after birth

[CallmeDeaconBlue]

My partner is the best man at a friend's wedding this Summer and hated to let people down. However, they booked their stag party in Portugal last year while I was pregnant. The trip was booked for 34 days after my due date. However, our baby was 15 days late so she is now only 16 days old and he goes away in 2 days time. I can't help but feel really let down by this. I had a traumatic labour and am still recovering. He only had 9 days off with her and I just feel this could be time he could be here for us. It's really making me sad and feel let down. I've tried to tell him but he gets defensive how it's all paid for and he can't let them all down. I just wondered everyone elses thoughts on this. Whilst I don't want him to let his friends down I feel like he's letting us down instead.
If it helps, he's away for 3 nights. So not ages. I just want to feel less sad about it to be honest. It feels like it's going to be a hard few days by myself and just wish he was going to be here.

I agree with you about some omen’s attitude and what the Op has said points towards that.

i have to ask the question though. Why staying with someone who treats you so poorly, so much so that your plan is to organise your life with baby planning to never rely on him even though that man is the child’s father and your partner??
Living with someone whilst being so resentful doesn’t make for a happy life.

@CallmeDeaconBlue Tale as old as time, men can just opt out and go have a good time when they have a 18 day old baby ...women don't have that luxury.
YOU need to tell him honestly how you feel and get some support from others if you can.
At 18 days post partum, I hadn't stepped out the door , was sore ,exhausted, and breastfeeding ,if my husband had prioritised a social event of this nature it would have been a sackable offence!
if your partner was physically and emotionally in need would you prioritise a social event that lasted 3 days ? I wouldn't.
Hope you get some family /friends support .

How did you feel about it when it was first booked op?

I think it's fine. I'm due on 23rd September and my husband is best man on 1st October. The stag will be early sept and my last baby was 3 weeks early, unless there's a serious drama I expect him to go to all.

I think it will be fine. I can understand you feeling sad, but it’s only 3 days. Get him to stock up the fridge and snuggle in with your baby.

Do they have a back up plan for Best Man in case you are in labour on the actual wedding day

I couldn't imagine my dh doing this to me when ours were newborn. Yes I agree that you will cope as others have to in an emergency or extreme circumstances, but this is for a 3 night piss up. He is a family man now and needs to grow up.

Wait until your baby starts teething and book yourself onto a child-free weekend course or trip with your mates 😁

I'm torn, as I'd be incredibly angry at DH for going but at the same time I'd not want him to waste money or let friends down.

Ultimately, it does come down to you and baby or his mates. I can see the rationale for both decisions but it wouldn't make me less sad/disappointed/angry.

Do you have support?

Also, when baby is old enough for you to feel you can go away for a weekend, make sure you do book a weekend away and enjoy time for you.

He should at the least be getting the house sorted, food in, ensuring there is enough money in joint for some nice takeaways for you or treats, as 19 days old is incredibly young and a very draining time. X

The time to have this discussion was before the trip was booked. But, given the trip was booked, I think he should go.
Yes, it sucks being that soon post partum and on your own with a small baby, but it's completely manageable.

At this point I don't think it's fair to put this to him choosing his friends over you and the baby. Presumably him going was agreed in advance and it's just bad timing that the baby is so little still?
It is a big commitment and honour to be a best man and not something I would expect my husband to cancel last minute.
As other PP's have said, can you get some help for the days he is away?
I'm sure he's not thrilled to be leaving you so soon either but sometimes duty calls!

@Aroundtheworldin80moves yes there is but tbf unless I'm actually giving birth on this day I will assume he's going! I am also planning on going!

You will be fine

I don’t think he is BU. Can your mum or a friend help if you struggle? Surely he will be back at work soon anyway and you’ll have to get used to being on your own with the baby?

To be fair, esp when it’s your first baby it’s hard to have any idea on how you will feel 10 days after birth.

Goodness me, pull yourself together. Baby is almost 3 weeks old, you're not due imminently! Just get on with it like a normal person and be grateful you don't have a toddler to look after as well!

Hope it all goes to plan of course but my DC3 unexpectedly ended up in neonatal for 15 days

I think it's prudent to have some kind of "in case of emergency" plan on place.

JFC comments like this are awful. Such a disgusting attitude that is so widely perpetuated in society to put any woman that struggles at all after having a child down.

It's stuff like this that just makes the recent culture for multi day stag do's really take the piss. One night- fine. But several days of indulgence just leads to shirked responsibilities.

@Crunchymum yep there's a plan in place. What can I say, I'm an optimist!

So what he is proposing to do to make things easier for you while he's away? Has he arranged for help? Made sure there's some pre-cooked meals ready for you? Done a big shop so that you've got everything you need? Done a load of cleaning and washing so you don't have to?
Or is he just fucking off on his jolly?

Bloody selfish. He didn't want to let people down, well he's let you and your baby down.
He's not a teenager anymore, he a man with a family.
I'd be bloody furious and I'd be rethinking my relationship.

How many days would be OK? 20? 25? 30?

You know its really not that hard. Many people have to look after a baby alone all the time, whether as a single mum, partner in Forces etc. Get on with it. It's 3 days

I agree with some upthread, the time to object would have been when it was booked. As the Best Man presumably he had some input on the date? It should have therefore been a month later, or if that's not possible due to the wedding date, then 8 or 10 weeks earlier.

Or a 'sorry mate, I can't do that weekend as the baby could be late. Leave me out for now but if baby is on time and DeaconBlue is ok then I'll see if I can join you for a night or 2 last minute'.

I can see now it's got to this point that it'll be much harder for him to drop out.