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Original poster

Partner going in stag do 19 days after birth

169 replies

CallmeDeaconBlue · 06/05/2022 14:09

My partner is the best man at a friend's wedding this Summer and hated to let people down. However, they booked their stag party in Portugal last year while I was pregnant. The trip was booked for 34 days after my due date. However, our baby was 15 days late so she is now only 16 days old and he goes away in 2 days time. I can't help but feel really let down by this. I had a traumatic labour and am still recovering. He only had 9 days off with her and I just feel this could be time he could be here for us. It's really making me sad and feel let down. I've tried to tell him but he gets defensive how it's all paid for and he can't let them all down. I just wondered everyone elses thoughts on this. Whilst I don't want him to let his friends down I feel like he's letting us down instead.
If it helps, he's away for 3 nights. So not ages. I just want to feel less sad about it to be honest. It feels like it's going to be a hard few days by myself and just wish he was going to be here.

OP posts:
TangoApple · 06/05/2022 22:49

He should stay. You should ask him to though and explain clearly how you are feeling and make clear that you need him to stay. Don’t be apologetic about it, you are a partnership.

Don’t try and be cool about it, or ask your mum to pick up the slack, ask him to prioritise you and his new child.

If he still goes then at least you will be clear on what happened and what his choices were. Rather than you never being able to forget it and him saying “but you told me it was okay to go” if it comes up again in future.

timeisnotaline · 07/05/2022 02:04

aSofaNearYou · 06/05/2022 19:13

Let's hope people like this have zero involvement in post natal care!

Show quote history

Honestly sometimes I think people like this run postnatal care. It’s one reason women really need support from their partner!
My Dh wouldn’t have booked it op, and if he had booked it he wouldn’t be going. He’s letting you down.

timeisnotaline · 07/05/2022 02:06

TangoApple · 06/05/2022 22:49

He should stay. You should ask him to though and explain clearly how you are feeling and make clear that you need him to stay. Don’t be apologetic about it, you are a partnership.

Don’t try and be cool about it, or ask your mum to pick up the slack, ask him to prioritise you and his new child.

If he still goes then at least you will be clear on what happened and what his choices were. Rather than you never being able to forget it and him saying “but you told me it was okay to go” if it comes up again in future.

Yes this too- make it crystal clear you aren’t happy about it, he’s choosing to let you down instead of his mates, and he can’t pretend you are fine with it. And he is not vindicated if you ‘survive’ 3 days on your own.

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Lentil63 · 07/05/2022 02:24

”A hard few days” ???
My goodness! Get a grip. You will be two weeks in and should be feeling more secure in your ‘routine’. If there are others that can help rope them in. Your partner deserves a life and he’s only gone for 3 days…

Classica · 07/05/2022 02:27

so many 'pick me' girls on this thread

runnerswimmer · 07/05/2022 02:35

I was brought up if you commit to something then you have to honour it unless there is a geunine reason why you cannot. Its three days OP, this is how solo parents, army wives etc have to live.

mathanxiety · 07/05/2022 02:43

He feels he can't let his mates down but he doesn't care about letting the mother of his baby down?

And he calls himself a man?

mathanxiety · 07/05/2022 02:45

I was brought up if you commit to something then you have to honour it unless there is a geunine reason why you cannot. Its three days OP, this is how solo parents, army wives etc have to live.

So a baby isn't a commitment?

And the needs of the baby's mother so soon after giving birth are not a genuine reason to stay home from a three night bender?

Wow.

runnerswimmer · 07/05/2022 02:49

Then dont commit to it whilst pregnant, a few days is neither here nor there.

DropYourSword · 07/05/2022 03:06

Only4You · 06/05/2022 17:31

To be fair, esp when it’s your first baby it’s hard to have any idea on how you will feel 10 days after birth.

Show quote history

Exactly. Before I had my baby I would have thought this was fine.
I was an absolute wreck after I had my baby. Three days alone would have been absolutely unthinkable until he was almost a year old!

Doona · 07/05/2022 03:14

I feel bad that he even wants to go in the circumstances.

All the people saying they would be fine, good for you! Some people have easy births, easy babies and lots of support. You are lucky. Not everybody has that.

Longdistance · 07/05/2022 03:26

As soon as he gets back throw dc at him and go for a long deserved rest and he can deal with his dc. Then milk it for —3years— as long as possible.

JennyForeigner · 07/05/2022 04:25

JFC what is with the 'well I had to cope at two weeks post partum and bandaged from knee to chest while my husband went on his annual golf and mistress tour, so YABU brigade?

There are enough men around to sustain the patriarchy, they don't need women internalizing misogyny to do it for them.

JennyForeigner · 07/05/2022 04:37

ShadowPuppets · 06/05/2022 21:46

I’m sorry but if my husband had gone on a stag do (let alone a multiple night one) when our kids were in intensive fucking care I think I really would have considered LTB.

I get that we all have our own bar for what we’d put up with and I usually get attacked for being a bit of a ‘cool wife’ on here but Jesus Christ.

Show quote history

😱😱😱

WhatWouldHarveyDo · 07/05/2022 04:40

Doona · 07/05/2022 03:14

I feel bad that he even wants to go in the circumstances.

All the people saying they would be fine, good for you! Some people have easy births, easy babies and lots of support. You are lucky. Not everybody has that.

I read the OP to my partner and he said ‘why would he want to go in those circumstances? And who they fuck wants to leave their baby at a few weeks old.’ I think you’re right to be annoyed OP, he needs to prioritise you and baby.

Pleasebeafleabite · 07/05/2022 05:07

Traumatic birth - tick
Foreign stag do - tick
Best man - tick
OP slow to return - tick

Autienotnaughtie · 07/05/2022 05:40

How would he feel if you left him with a 16 day old baby? I'm guessing you weren't keen before but figured you would manage. You are entitled to change your mind once baby is here. As it's all paid for I'd see if any family/friends would be willing to help as a one off. But you need to be honest with him about how you feel.

SoggyPaper · 07/05/2022 06:04

JennyForeigner · 07/05/2022 04:25

JFC what is with the 'well I had to cope at two weeks post partum and bandaged from knee to chest while my husband went on his annual golf and mistress tour, so YABU brigade?

There are enough men around to sustain the patriarchy, they don't need women internalizing misogyny to do it for them.

absolutely

it’s almost as if the tiny newborn baby is only the mother’s responsibility. He can do what he likes. Indeed, he needs and deserves a holiday. His friendship is just as important as his tiny newborn and wife and clearly his friend wouldn’t understand that he hasn’t gone because he’s got a newborn baby.

🙄

SoggyPaper · 07/05/2022 06:09

runnerswimmer · 07/05/2022 02:49

Then dont commit to it whilst pregnant, a few days is neither here nor there.

She probably hasn’t anticipated what it would actually be like. And the general cool wife atmosphere in society makes it hard to say no. He should have thought about it and said no himself.

a few days is significant with a newborn. It’s about 1/6 of the child’s entire life at this point.

I agree with the PP who say that the worst thing about it is that he wants to go. Even if he hadn’t really thought it through when he accepted, he’s a father to a newborn now so it’s amazing that he’s so keen to piss off abroad for a stag do.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 07/05/2022 06:39

Pleasebeafleabite · 07/05/2022 05:07

Traumatic birth - tick
Foreign stag do - tick
Best man - tick
OP slow to return - tick

Nailed it

ilovemyboys3 · 07/05/2022 06:40

Tbh I think you should of spoken up when they booked it. The potential of going overdue was there. Your baby is 2 weeks old not 2 days old. I'm sure you can cope for 3 nights/days. Let him go, enjoy himself and when he gets home make him takeover and you have a day or so to rest and have the lay ins etc. he will only resent you if you stop him going. It's a stag do which he is best man for. If it was a lads weekend away then completely different but you knew the risks when he booked it and tbh whether baby is another week older wouldn't change the way you feel - you would still be upset about him going.

kmbegs · 07/05/2022 06:47

This happened to me although it was his brother and it never occurred to me that he wouldn't go. My family also all booked a last minute holiday for the same dates so I had zero help 😅. However I literally went to the supermarket before he left, bought ready meals and cereal, got my jammies on and basically didn't get out of bed for the three days! I found it fine but I am someone keen to be independent and get on with it so that mentality helps. I agree with others if you can have help ask for for. Otherwise the time will pass and as best man I get his perspective on this.

If it helps our little one is now 2 and I've gone on two holidays with just friends (birthday trip etc) and he can't complain! (Well he probably could at the second but I don't feel bad for a minute 😂)

aSofaNearYou · 07/05/2022 08:55

Lentil63 · 07/05/2022 02:24

”A hard few days” ???
My goodness! Get a grip. You will be two weeks in and should be feeling more secure in your ‘routine’. If there are others that can help rope them in. Your partner deserves a life and he’s only gone for 3 days…

Because two weeks is a long time and doesn't remotely pass quickly when you're more tired and been through something more traumatic than anything else you've ever been through?

The people using the phrase "get a grip" in this scenario are revolting and need to take a long hard look at themselves.

Autienotnaughtie · 07/05/2022 10:49

@JennyForeigner golf and mistress 😂😂😂😂😂

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 11:06

runnerswimmer · 07/05/2022 02:49

Then dont commit to it whilst pregnant, a few days is neither here nor there.

A few days IS 'here or there' when you're recovering from a traumatic labour and still not recovered Ffs.

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