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Original poster

Partner going in stag do 19 days after birth

169 replies

CallmeDeaconBlue · 06/05/2022 14:09

My partner is the best man at a friend's wedding this Summer and hated to let people down. However, they booked their stag party in Portugal last year while I was pregnant. The trip was booked for 34 days after my due date. However, our baby was 15 days late so she is now only 16 days old and he goes away in 2 days time. I can't help but feel really let down by this. I had a traumatic labour and am still recovering. He only had 9 days off with her and I just feel this could be time he could be here for us. It's really making me sad and feel let down. I've tried to tell him but he gets defensive how it's all paid for and he can't let them all down. I just wondered everyone elses thoughts on this. Whilst I don't want him to let his friends down I feel like he's letting us down instead.
If it helps, he's away for 3 nights. So not ages. I just want to feel less sad about it to be honest. It feels like it's going to be a hard few days by myself and just wish he was going to be here.

OP posts:

AProperStinging · 07/05/2022 11:57

You say 'partner' so I assume you're not married. I hope that you've registered the baby with your surname - if you haven't done it yet, do it asap. It's very clear that you are and will always be the default parent.

Louise0701 · 07/05/2022 12:13

@AProperStinging why the fact her partner is going on a stag do she agreed to make a difference to the child’s surname?

AProperStinging · 07/05/2022 12:19

Louise0701 · 07/05/2022 12:13

@AProperStinging why the fact her partner is going on a stag do she agreed to make a difference to the child’s surname?

I thought I made it clear in my previous post but maybe not.

I know many many women who are always the default primary parent, who are effectively raising their kids alone, whose partners see being a dad as an optional thing they can take or leave.

The OP's partner has made it clear that this is the basis on which their parenting will be happening.

It's always really depressing when women still give their children the surname of the (at best) part-time parent, rather than the name of the parent who actually brings them up.

I know several people who've told me they really regret doing this and wish they'd given their children their name. I am hoping that the OP still has the opportunity to do this, and not to make the same mistake.

Interested in this thread?

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Families

Louise0701 · 07/05/2022 12:20

What a bizarre way to think.

AProperStinging · 07/05/2022 12:25

What is bizarre about it @Louise0701 ?

Louise0701 · 07/05/2022 12:27

@AProperStinging do you think all Sahd who have children with full time working mothers who aren’t home much should also get to give the child their surname?

it’s bizarre because a surname shouldn’t be decided by who spends the most time with the child. It’s a pathetic way to think.

AProperStinging · 07/05/2022 12:28

Louise0701 · 07/05/2022 12:27

@AProperStinging do you think all Sahd who have children with full time working mothers who aren’t home much should also get to give the child their surname?

it’s bizarre because a surname shouldn’t be decided by who spends the most time with the child. It’s a pathetic way to think.

Yes, I think that probably the parent who does all of the admin should have the same surname as their child. In the cases of people I know, I would say that's the mother in 99% of the cases. And 99% of the single parents I know are also mothers.

However, as you'd rather throw around insults like 'bizarre' and 'pathetic' I'm not sure you're interested in having this discussion in good faith, so I'm going to leave it there.

Squiff70 · 07/05/2022 12:32

How the bloody hell did this turn into a debate about children's surnames? Absolutely nothing to do with the thread topic!

No wonder the OP hasn't returned.

Isonthecase · 07/05/2022 14:40

@kmbegs I think this is a good point. If he's happy and supportive of you doing your thing then it's much more reasonable because realistically at this point the baby needs their mother but it doesn't really matter who is supporting her as long as she is supported and happy with it. I would have been happy with it because I know it works both ways in my relationship.

Isonthecase · 07/05/2022 14:41

I also don't think it would be unreasonable if you really weren't up for it for him to say to the groom that he's sorry but you're way worse than expected and he can't leave you yet but they'll celebrate together when he can.

Original poster

CallmeDeaconBlue · 07/05/2022 19:47

Firstly, thanks all for your very varied responses!

To respond to the main questions.

Yes, when it was booked I wasn't happy and clearly stated so. I worried and warned him that she might come late, I might have a traumatic birth and not be up to him leaving. We were also meant to have moved closer to parents by now but sadly the move has been delayed.. Another thing I worried might happen at the time.. And at the time he kept trying to reassure me that I was worrying for nothing and thinking of the worst case scenarios... We'll, all of those factors ended up happening. I have a 4th degree cut, babys heartbeat stopped during labour, it was all awful and I am struggling to deal with how upsetting it all was.
I am actually a pretty chilled and very independent soul. I don't think I've ever really asked him for help. I sent him home while I was induced and had waters broken as I don't like fuss or being fussed.. I didn't know I would feel so vulnerable, sore, and not want him to leave us. At all.

However. He's going. I'll get on with it. I'll most.likely be fine and enjoy my time with her. She's so beautiful.
Sadly she has reflux so isn't having a great time with it. She struggles to be laid down. It causes her pain so needs to be held up alot. Hence why I felt, in the moment of posting, quite overwhelmed. And very very tired. He works very long days so I've been trying to hold it all together. In that moment I want doing so well..

To answer the other question, my sister has two kids and lives 400 miles away so can't help and my mum has a bit of a drink issue so I'd rather not ask to be brutally honest.
As for ready meals... No thanks. Haha. But I am sure I'll manage to eat.

Thanks you mostly to the kind posters who co congratulated me on my daughter. She's amazing. And to those who were generally just kind. Xxxx

OP posts:

ijustcouldntthinkofausername · 07/05/2022 21:19

My DS suffers with silent reflux so I know it's tough as you feel you're constantly having to hold them upright.
Speak to your GP @CallmeDeaconBlue they can prescribe Carobel instant thickner which you add to bottles to thicken it up and keep it down. My DS had to go onto Omeprazole from 5 weeks old because it was more a case of the acid problem in his tummy rather than the valve (he was never a projectile vomiter but did have a lot of discomfort during and after feeds) he's 13 months now and seems to have outgrown it so we're weaning him off. Yay!

There's a lot they can do to help her though, just ask the question .

Enjoy the cuddles and quality time just you and her while he's away OP. He'll be back in no time I'm sure.

Again, congrats! I miss that newborn baby bubble. I bet she is just so amazing. It's overwhelming isn't it the love for them ❤️❤️❤️
Xx

Original poster

CallmeDeaconBlue · 08/05/2022 12:59

#ijustcouldntthinkofausername thank you so much.. ❤️❤️ xx

OP posts:

Isonthecase · 08/05/2022 21:28

Wow, I was wrongly giving him the benefit of the doubt. He's being a dickhead, this isn't just hormones, and him letting you down like this at a point when he is absolutely needed and you've told him so bodes extremely badly for the future.

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2022 00:40

Oh gosh op that is a lot. I’ve had a 3b tear and even that took a long time to recover. Please tell him straight out that this isn’t something you think you can forgive, and right now you love him less knowing that when you need him he isn’t there. Tel him not to bother replying and certainly not to bother making you any promises, and you don’t want to hear him say anything blatantly untrue like I love you- if he loved either of you he’d be at home.
tell your mum friends - have you a baby group? Message them saying agh it’ll be a tough weekend … I asked him not to go 😞. Don’t cover it up for him please!

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2022 00:43

Separately on the tear- I hope you’ve been referred. You really need a womens health physio to recover well. If not get referred now, and start seeing one asap. (Asap really means asap from about 12 weeks post partum but I’m sure there’s a wait). Tell them everything about how it’s going urinating and with bowel movements. In the meantime do pelvic floor exercises (scary but if not too painful they do help the healing process), and contract the muscles before lifting anything.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 09/05/2022 01:40

Not great is it, maybe get him to batch cook some stuff for you while he's away

And do a shop so you don't have to go anywhere if you don't want to (including some nice snacks etc) and he can do all the cleaning before he goes and when he gets back!

Congratulations on your baby

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 09/05/2022 01:41

That's him do a shop and batch cook for you!

glukoo · 09/05/2022 03:07

Hope your ok op. I agree it isn't fair on you, hope it goes quick and lo is good for you.

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