Partner going in stag do 19 days after birth

[CallmeDeaconBlue]

My partner is the best man at a friend's wedding this Summer and hated to let people down. However, they booked their stag party in Portugal last year while I was pregnant. The trip was booked for 34 days after my due date. However, our baby was 15 days late so she is now only 16 days old and he goes away in 2 days time. I can't help but feel really let down by this. I had a traumatic labour and am still recovering. He only had 9 days off with her and I just feel this could be time he could be here for us. It's really making me sad and feel let down. I've tried to tell him but he gets defensive how it's all paid for and he can't let them all down. I just wondered everyone elses thoughts on this. Whilst I don't want him to let his friends down I feel like he's letting us down instead.
If it helps, he's away for 3 nights. So not ages. I just want to feel less sad about it to be honest. It feels like it's going to be a hard few days by myself and just wish he was going to be here.

Timing isn't perfect but you have to let this go. He will feel terrible whatever he does. Being a Best Man is an honour, and he committed to this ages ago. Plan nice family time when he is back and invite a relative or friend to come and be with you (if you want company). Lots of single mums manage just fine.

I also think it’s fine, there wasn’t, in our case, a huge difference between baby at 16 days and 34 days either tbh.

The time to say he shouldn’t go was when they were booking it.

The prospect of being alone with a newborn for a few days is terrifying, but I found the reality to be nowhere near as bad as I had envisioned.
My ExH is military, and he deployed to Iraq when my middle child was 15 days old…for 7 months. I was understandably terrified at the idea of flying solo when I was still recovering from the birth, learning how to breastfeed and juggle two DCs. But I promise you, you’ll manage!
For 3 days, everything else can wait and just focus on getting yourself and your baby through the day (and night).

But it’s not about a 2 week old versus a 5 week old - it’s about traumatic birth recovery, which if you haven’t experienced it is can be eons apart between weeks 2 and 5. Also, for what it’s worth, those first few weeks are for bonding as a little unit IMO. I love my mum/sister/MIL dearly and they’re amazing supports to me, but the first few weeks should be a lovely newborn bubble as you all adjust to a completely new life together IMO. Fucking off on a stag do sort of signifies that you think your old life is still the priority.

As I’ve said upthread I wouldn’t now be telling him not to go, because it’s not your wife’s job to tell you whether you’re ‘allowed’ or not IMO. I just don’t think I could ever truly trust a man who didn’t want to fight through hell and high water to be with his newborn and support his wife after major physical trauma.

And just because some posters on this thread have unavoidably had to cope (and I take my hat off to you guys!) doesn’t mean that this is the same. Having your OH deployed, or working abroad to put a roof over your heads, or having to cope as a single mum isn’t the same as going on a 3 day stag do. And I’m usually really chilled about piss ups and the like - but 2 weeks post partum?

I wouldn’t have let DH booked anything that close to my due date, would had to have been a clear 6 weeks after 42 weeks tbh. But you are where you are so I’d let him go. He should be choosing to stay imho though.

Women look after their babies single handedly since birth all the time, I'm am one of those many women. He shouldn't be expected to not go on a planned trip because you went overdue.

And for 3 days!!! Come on!

I did @ShadowPuppets

It’s actually pitiful that he even considered it 34 days after your due date tbh. It shouldn’t have even been something you discussed as he should have just told his mate ‘look sorry but baby’s due only a month before and I don’t want to leave the mrs on her own’ 🙄

What was actually discussed at the time of booking this trip? Did you have an issue with it back then or were you ok with it? The fact your baby was a few days late doesn't really come in to it. If you were ok with it when it was booked then YABU to not be ok about it now but if you said at the time of booking that you were not happy then YANBU that he is still going.

This happened to me when DD was 3 weeks old. I also had a traumatic birth. Just think it’s only for 3 days and you will be fine. Do you have anyone who can help out? He’s committed to going now so I don’t think it’d be fair to drop out now, he must of known you could go overdue.

calm down with the exclamation marks.

If you'd both discussed it at the time of booking when you knew you were pregnant so I think it's fine he goes. It's only 3 nights, get him to stock the fridge up, ask a relative or friend to pop round to keep you company.

Unless you had a C-section and can't lift/drive, I understand he can't let his friend down. I know you're not on top form, but it's something that's been on the cards for a while.

Can you plan something for yourself, ie have a friend to stay - they might not help with your DB, but a bit of company and a good laugh often helps. If you can get yourself out just do something for yourself, ie nice coffee and cake somewhere, a trip to town.

Don't forget in the future there could be a time when you want a night away with a friend/need to stay with a family member who needs help and that'll be his time to step up and look after DB. Not sure what you've been through but I went through a long labour, had over 100 stitches and lost more blood than during a C-section and I'd have let mine go

Thinking back to how i felt when baby was 19 days old.... tired, vulnerable, emotional, lonely

It's too soon to be left to cope. I wouldn't be happy

I'd have been annoyed he'd booked it at all to be honest.

I'm not a cool wife though.

If my DP had booked a trip for 34 days post EDD he'd have been asked to cancel it as soon as he told me. Due to circumstances (IE him having a fucking newborn) he'd have to sit any 3 day trips out at that point in our lives.

And correct me if I'm wrong here but if he goes in a few days time, he is going during the working week so he is using precious annual leave??? Fuck no.

Has your partner said what he's going to do to support you before and after the trip?

I.E. allow you a good amount of sleep before he leaves by taking sole care of the baby while you rest and the same when he returns?

He should also be cleaning the house and washing clothes, shopping and pre-prepping food, etc prior to the trip to ensure you literally just have baby care to do in his absence, as this will definitely make it seem more doable.

If you are well rested when he leaves and know that the fridge is stocked, the baby's clothes are clean and ready to wear, you've plenty of nappies etc that will make his absence less difficult.

You will be fine, just try and get a bit organised before he goes. My husband went to our friends wedding, involved 2 nights away, 12 days after I had my first baby by C-section. House was a bit of a mess, but we survived. Had no family nearby I'm, but a neighbours number if I was in need of help. I'm sorry I missed out on the wedding!

I can't believe anyone thinks this is fine.
Obviously more relaxed than me or maybe they have forgotten what its like being a new mum

A newborn surely trumps a stag do doesn't it?

Men are arseholes. Mine was useless. I made a vow to not rely on him ever when baby was small as he packed his diary out in the 3 months after baby was born. Still resent him
Now. He basically buried head in the sand and pretended he wasn't needed

This will make you seethe for years
To come.

Im guessing you aren't going on any 3 day hen dos so he shouldn't either

This conversation should have taken place when he went to book it. It’s too late now to say you don’t want him to go.

FWIW I would not have agreed to him going when he wanted to book it.

I’d let him go, but tell him he helps you out when he gets back, get a family member to come and stay while he’s away .

Why didn't you say something when he booked and paid for the stag? Everyone knows babies aren't aware of their due date and can come 2 weeks late so the possibility was always there.

It's rubbish, but I think you've missed your moment somewhat.

You discussed it when you knew you were pregnant, you agreed, he booked accordingly.

If you'd asked back then, you'd likely have been told it was madness.

• babies don't arrive on time
• birth can be traumatic and have a long recovery time
• if you end up with an emergency section (particularly when overdue) there's a good chance you'll be medically unable to cope at that point.

Etc etc.

But you both agreed it and now here we are.

At this stage (and particularly as he is the best man) I think it's a struggle for him not to go. There may be cost implications, for both him and also for the rest of the group.

I'd be throwing money at the problem. Book a temporary night nanny. Have a parent or friend come to stay. Whatever will help.

Put support and planning in place. Order takeaways or have him batch cook before he goes so you have plenty of help etc.

It's a pain in the arse, but it's also three days.

I agree with @OnceUponAThread .
the time to say NO was last year when it was organised. Now it’s much harder to say NO to him going away because it’s all organised etc…

What I would have expected though is him realising that it will be hard for you and trying to do his best to make it easier.
eg asking you what sort of things would make things easier
if you need your mum/a friend to stay over with you.

The fact he is expecting to be Abel to leave just like this and for you to just cope makes me think that it’s his attitude around parenting and being a father (aka he still acts as if he was single with no dc). That looking after baby is your responsibility and not his etc….
id have more issue with that tbh.