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Original poster

Partner going in stag do 19 days after birth

169 replies

CallmeDeaconBlue · 06/05/2022 14:09

My partner is the best man at a friend's wedding this Summer and hated to let people down. However, they booked their stag party in Portugal last year while I was pregnant. The trip was booked for 34 days after my due date. However, our baby was 15 days late so she is now only 16 days old and he goes away in 2 days time. I can't help but feel really let down by this. I had a traumatic labour and am still recovering. He only had 9 days off with her and I just feel this could be time he could be here for us. It's really making me sad and feel let down. I've tried to tell him but he gets defensive how it's all paid for and he can't let them all down. I just wondered everyone elses thoughts on this. Whilst I don't want him to let his friends down I feel like he's letting us down instead.
If it helps, he's away for 3 nights. So not ages. I just want to feel less sad about it to be honest. It feels like it's going to be a hard few days by myself and just wish he was going to be here.

OP posts:
SomersetONeil · 06/05/2022 19:53

I would have been fine with DH going in this situation.

But I genuinely don’t understand why he can’t possibly let his mate down, by not going boozing with him….

…but he’s absolutely fine with letting his partner who’s just given birth down. Confused

In other words, it’s absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to let anyone done, and absolutely everything to do with just wanting to go boozing with his mates.

Tell him to man up, and at least have the balls to own it.

SharonWattsCrispyExtensions · 06/05/2022 19:53

InFiveMins · 06/05/2022 19:52

You are being overly dramatic about it. He's entitled to go on holiday and it's only three days! It's unfair of you to be putting him in this position and guilt tripping him into staying. Let him go and have a good time.

you'd send your husband away with a ten pound note to stick in a stripper's thong. to show how laidback you were.

Bellybutton88 · 06/05/2022 19:53

I would say let him go. Friendship is important too and its very easy to forget that when you become parents. Hopefully he will be grateful for this and will come back even more doting. You will be fine OP. :)

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SoggyPaper · 06/05/2022 19:54

InFiveMins · 06/05/2022 19:52

You are being overly dramatic about it. He's entitled to go on holiday and it's only three days! It's unfair of you to be putting him in this position and guilt tripping him into staying. Let him go and have a good time.

I really don’t agree. He’s got a 2 week old baby!

Frazzled2207 · 06/05/2022 19:59

In fairness to your dp there is no way that my dp and I could have foreseen how totally all consuming those first few weeks/months with the baby were. So I could have agreed to this in blissful ignorance.

as It’s clearly a bit late to cancel I think you should let him go as long as you have a back up plan to help you (mum?) in place. And make sure you get your own weekend away once baby is a bit older.

GeminiTwin · 06/05/2022 20:07

resuwen · 06/05/2022 14:31

Honestly, if this was my OH, I'd expect him to go. I would be bloody annoyed at the general unfairness of it all, but I'd still not ask him to stay a wouldn't expect him to. Your closest friends are important too and a stag/wedding is an big milestone in their lives. Not the same, I know, but my OH went to a Hag do with mutual friends when I was 7 months pregnant. I inwardly seethed, and probably shed the odd tear. But I felt it was right for him to be there.

Same, I would feel the exact same as this. I think it's unfair on you if he goes and u fair on him if he can't.

This should've been discussed in more detail when it was booked as you were pregnant at the time.

WhatWouldHarveyDo · 06/05/2022 20:18

Grantanow · 06/05/2022 17:47

How many days would be OK? 20? 25? 30?

Well....how about when she’s recovered.

After our first baby, this would have been fine, my partner could have gone after a few days. After my second, it took me months to recover. There’s no way my partner would have considered going.

blueagain · 06/05/2022 20:21

He’s had 9 days off? That’s plenty. I wouldn’t make an issue of this. You should be self sufficient by now. Its only 3 days. You’ll be fine. Just hunker down with snacks and Netflix until he gets back. Non issue. He’s best man. He goes.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 06/05/2022 20:23

@blueagain

you have no idea about OPs circumstances, she has had a traumatic birth and hasn’t healed yet…!

blimey OP some of the responses on here are nuts! I wouldn’t want my OH to go on a 3 day bender abroad when my baby wasn’t even 3 weeks old yet!

WhatWouldHarveyDo · 06/05/2022 20:25

doingitforthegirls · 06/05/2022 18:48

Honestly what do you need him there for?? When did women lose the ability to actually parent on their own for a few hours/ days.

It's been booked a while and yes you'd be unreasonable to expect him not to go

Maybe when they’ve been through a traumatic birth, are still recovering and have a partner that is also the baby’s parent. A partner should be there in those circumstances.

aSofaNearYou · 06/05/2022 20:25

You should be self sufficient by now. Its only 3 days.

This is just such a bizarre thing to think, like it's somehow shocking to take any length of time to adjust after having a baby.

WhatWouldHarveyDo · 06/05/2022 20:30

She should be self sufficient by now? Do you know what her traumatic birth involved? Is she struggling mentally? Does she have any injuries? swelling? Her degree of tearing? Infections? Etc. Because my traumatic birth involved those things and there’s no ‘you should be anything bullshit’. Recovery takes as long as it takes.

WhatWouldHarveyDo · 06/05/2022 20:31

Cool wives assemble ! 🙃

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/05/2022 20:31

blueagain · 06/05/2022 20:21

He’s had 9 days off? That’s plenty. I wouldn’t make an issue of this. You should be self sufficient by now. Its only 3 days. You’ll be fine. Just hunker down with snacks and Netflix until he gets back. Non issue. He’s best man. He goes.

I had a traumatic labour and am still recovering.

Did you miss this? Who do you think you are to tell OP she 'should be self sufficient by now' after a traumatic labour?!

WouldBeGood · 06/05/2022 20:44

Oh, for gods sake, the drama here.

A parent should be able to look after a baby by themselves for three days 🙄

WouldBeGood · 06/05/2022 20:44

‘

blakeway45 · 06/05/2022 20:46

Hi OP. I think you can see all the varying opinions people have about this!!!!! But that doesn't matter. What matters is how YOU feel about it. Don't worry about what other people think either.

For what it's worth, I think I would have kicked off whilst pregnant, but would have actually been fine. If I was to be pregnant again and this was to happen, I'd let him go, and ensure I had someone close staying with me. It's 100% not a case of him choosing his friends over you. But if you think you need the support, make sure he knows.

You'll be fine either way, I promise!

SoggyPaper · 06/05/2022 20:46

WouldBeGood · 06/05/2022 20:44

Oh, for gods sake, the drama here.

A parent should be able to look after a baby by themselves for three days 🙄

A 2 week old baby after a traumatic birth?

it’s not like she’s complaining she’ll have 3 days of single handed parenting of a 14 year old.

SharonWattsCrispyExtensions · 06/05/2022 20:50

WouldBeGood · 06/05/2022 20:44

Oh, for gods sake, the drama here.

A parent should be able to look after a baby by themselves for three days 🙄

Oh for God's sake. Another poster who thinks all new mothers have a uniform experience.

Ginger1982 · 06/05/2022 20:52

My DH went away for a week with work when our son was 3 weeks old and I'd had a c section and lost quite a lot of blood. I wasn't best pleased and it was hard but I understood he had to go for work. I wouldn't have been impressed if it had been a stag do.

Isonthecase · 06/05/2022 21:02

This is a tricky one. As it's been booked and paid for I think I'd be telling him to go IF I could get enough help while he was away to be confident of looking after the baby safely. That was my policy with my husband's activities after our first - agreed and booked was fine but absolutely nothing off the cuff and sorting help to cover him being away was a requirement for him going, including things like dropping me at my mum's to stay while he was away.

I do sympathise though, I also had a tricky birth and took months and months to feel like myself again. The trouble with that is that at some point you do need to cope so it can be easier to get it over with, with appropriate back up available if needed.

noscoobydoodle · 06/05/2022 21:05

My husband went on a 3 day stag do abroad when DD2 was 14 days old, and we had a nearly 2 year old. Timing was rubbish and it's not a weekend I look back on fondly but it was absolutely fine. However I didn't have a traumatic birth so may have felt differently had that been the case (in fact we went to a wedding the weekend before which is another story!). One thing I agreed with DH in advance was that he did not arrive back drunk/very hungover/needing to sleep it off.

ShadowPuppets · 06/05/2022 21:46

TheCanyon · 06/05/2022 19:25

I do understand why you're upset but it is only 3 days.

My dh went on his best mates stag weekend when our dts were 10 days old and in nicu. Was purposely planned for when I was only 31 weeks so thought we'd be safe. I had a 4 and 3 year old at home too. It was absolutely fine, apart from them going for one for the road when they got back to our town.

I’m sorry but if my husband had gone on a stag do (let alone a multiple night one) when our kids were in intensive fucking care I think I really would have considered LTB.

I get that we all have our own bar for what we’d put up with and I usually get attacked for being a bit of a ‘cool wife’ on here but Jesus Christ.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/05/2022 22:39

@TheCanyon

My dh went on his best mates stag weekend when our dts were 10 days old and in nicu. Was purposely planned for when I was only 31 weeks so thought we'd be safe. I had a 4 and 3 year old at home too. It was absolutely fine, apart from them going for one for the road when they got back to our town.

All that and he couldn't just come home to you he had to have an extra 'one for the road'?

He doesn't sound like a nice person.

I cannot imagine wanting to be in another country drinking with mates when my baby was in NICU.

If a woman did that when their baby was in NICU there would be absolute outrage and shock.

It's unreal how different the standards expected of fathers are vs mothers.

Classica · 06/05/2022 22:48

My dh went on his best mates stag weekend when our dts were 10 days old and in nicu. Was purposely planned for when I was only 31 weeks so thought we'd be safe. I had a 4 and 3 year old at home too. It was absolutely fine, apart from them going for one for the road when they got back to our town.

Twins in intensive care and a 3 year old and 4 year old at home and he heads off on the piss with his pals?

Wow.

I'm pretty easygoing but I'd be shocked if my DH would even contemplate a stag weekend in those circs.

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