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Original poster

What on Earth do I do? Ds in debt

172 replies

Realitea · 05/05/2022 11:21

Just found out my ds who has just finished uni is in rent arrears, about £6k. The guarantor, my father, has early dementia and is heading for another heart attack with the worry of this. Ds has showed no remorse. Burying his head in the sand. I’m on UC so can hardly help myself.
Then this morning I found he also hasn’t paid his car tax so that’ll explain why he isn’t driving his car and has left it at his uni house while he’s now back home. This also means he can’t work as we live in the middle of nowhere. He’s just staying in bed all day now he’s back.
The whole family are so, so worried and angry, I was up all night trying to figure out what to do and sent a pleading email to his agents asking to agree to a payment plan instead of going to court.
I know ds is feeling suicidal about this and very depressed. He needs help but won’t get it.
It’s like he’s hiding from reality.
Dh wants to give him a week to sort something out or kick him out. I don’t think this would be helpful but what is? What do we do? He needs to realise how serious it is and get proactive but also I don’t want to lose it with him as I know he’s not mentally well due to this. To make it worse he’s pretty sure he’s failed his degree.

OP posts:
EvilPea · 05/05/2022 11:26

He needs to speak to step change or pay plan.

has he sorn’d the car? Is it on the road? Can he sell it to clear the immediate issue and get a bike?

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 05/05/2022 11:26

Ime take over. He is still your ds. He isn't flouting proudly what he has done. Speak to the debtors and make a plan. Get his car back on the road ASAP so he can start paying his debts...
When my ds owed 1k rent I paid it off and he paid me back. I get that your ds is in deeper but making a payment plan won't cost you anything.. Bit shit that they let it get to 6k tbh.

WildCoasts · 05/05/2022 11:26

He's made a huge mistake but he needs to understand he can recover from this. There's no easy answer but I don't think kicking him out will help at all. I would try to activate something for his mental health (GP?) and, if worst comes to worst, maybe he will end up bankrupt. The ideal is that he finds a way to work off a payment plan. Not always easy if mental health isn't good. Does he have any inclination to have a job if he could get the car up to date?

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pinkyredrose · 05/05/2022 11:26

How could your father be a guarantor if he has dementia?

RoseslnTheHospital · 05/05/2022 11:28

The money and the degree failing are symptoms of something bigger going on with your DS. Do you know what he has spent his money on rather than his rent/essentials and do you know why he has (likely) failed his degree? Any help for your DS needs to address the cause, not the symptoms.

Can your grandfather afford to pay the 6k? Will that amount increase or has the tenancy finished?

EvilPea · 05/05/2022 11:29

I’ve been there. Very different circumstances but I’ve been there and it’s hard.
however he will feel better when he faces it.
i am guessing what you know is the tip of the iceberg and there’s more you don’t know.

you need to get him to sit down and go through it all. Payplan and step change can help, but he will need to be honest with them. This is fixable, but he needs to act now not bury his head.

RoseslnTheHospital · 05/05/2022 11:29

*his grandfather, not your grandfather

jamoncrumpets · 05/05/2022 11:30

EvilPea · 05/05/2022 11:29

I’ve been there. Very different circumstances but I’ve been there and it’s hard.
however he will feel better when he faces it.
i am guessing what you know is the tip of the iceberg and there’s more you don’t know.

you need to get him to sit down and go through it all. Payplan and step change can help, but he will need to be honest with them. This is fixable, but he needs to act now not bury his head.

I've been there too. It is fixable but please please help him by looking at payplan etc.

VintageGibbon · 05/05/2022 11:31

Don't kick him out. Support him. He's messed up badly but he won't resolve it without help. Explain to him that this is solvable.

First, I'd contact his uni. Extra grants are often available for students with parents on very low income. If he hasn't claimed any, get him to apply and ask if they can be back dated. Explain the financial mess he is in as a result and the pressure it is putting on his grandfather. Ask about any emergency hardship funds too.

Also ask uni for emergency counselling and explain how low he is feeling. Help him contact his tutors to explain his mental health and ask for an extension or the explore possibilities for resitting a year.

If he doesn't already have one, take him out to look for a job in a cafe or restaurant. Restaurants are great as they often feed you, so he doesn't have to pay for main meals. If he doesn't feel up to being a waiter, he can at least be a pot washer. Get him to work at least four evening shifts a week and have the money paid directly to his landlord to pay off the arrears.

Get him to phone his grandpa and promise he is dealing with it and that he won't be paying for the rent (if he can't afford it) or if he must and can afford it, that your son is immediately paying him back with interest from his job.

Reassure him that no one in the world gets through life without making some massive mistakes, and at least he's had the good sense to make his early one.

I don't mean to be soft on him, but I feel so deeply for his generation, going through uni during lockdown. It's been absolutely shit. No casual jobs for two years, no social life, no face to face seminars. He needs to take responsibility but he also needs to see that circumstances have been far from ideal.

SinaraSmith · 05/05/2022 11:31

Has he told you where his money has gone? That would be a big concern of mine. Where is it going.

Original poster
Realitea · 05/05/2022 11:36

I am glad he’s home so I can at least talk to him and get a reply on some of this. My dad is starting to show signs of dementia, he’s definitely mentally not all there. It wasn’t this bad when the tenancy started so that’s how he is the guarantor. He has the money but that’s all he has. He’s old and never thought it would go on paying his grandson’s debt.
he’s talking about getting the wider family to chip in but what he doesn’t realise is my mum has been sending ds a lot of money too - to help ph for his car, rent etc and that money has just gone! (My parents aren’t together and both re married)

I did contact step change last night actually so will see what they say today. I’m also going to sort a GP Appointment for ds. Dh hates that I’m doing everything for him and thinks that’s enabling him somehow but we can’t just let it get any worse.

ds did have a job about six months ago and he loved it but he couldn’t maintain it with his degree at the same time. He wants to go back to that but will need a car if he does that job.

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 05/05/2022 11:38

Does everyone in your wider family know to immediately stop sending DS money, even if he begs and pleads for it? I would be very concerned where all the money has gone, whether it's gambling, drugs, something else?

Original poster
Realitea · 05/05/2022 11:39

We did ask ds to show us his bank statements as we can’t understand where all the money has gone. He said his final year student finance was next to nothing so he just had to use it to live on and couldn’t pay rent. He won’t let us see his bank statements though. I don’t think he’s into drugs or anything, he’s health conscious and doesn’t drink often either. I hope no one has taken his money or anything like that. I know he did get friendly with what I thought was a slightly dodgy crowd

OP posts:
SinaraSmith · 05/05/2022 11:44

Realitea · 05/05/2022 11:39

We did ask ds to show us his bank statements as we can’t understand where all the money has gone. He said his final year student finance was next to nothing so he just had to use it to live on and couldn’t pay rent. He won’t let us see his bank statements though. I don’t think he’s into drugs or anything, he’s health conscious and doesn’t drink often either. I hope no one has taken his money or anything like that. I know he did get friendly with what I thought was a slightly dodgy crowd

Sorry, but I don’t believe he got next to nothing. You apply based on your parents income. If you are UC he will have for a decent amount.

plus the money your mum sent?

I would want to know because I would be concerned this will continue

Discovereads · 05/05/2022 11:45

Did he already get a maintenance loan? If not, he can still apply until 31 May for the academic year that started August 202. That might go some way to paying the debt off.
www.gov.uk/apply-for-student-finance/when

WildCoasts · 05/05/2022 11:48

I suspect there's a reason he's not showing you the bank statements. It's right to support him to help himself but he needs to do his part and be straight up too. Then you can help him. If he doesn't have some sort of addiction he's been funding (not necessarily drugs), has someone been making him pay them money maybe?

Original poster
Realitea · 05/05/2022 11:53

That is what I’m worried about @WildCoasts

thank you so much for the links - there might be some help there

OP posts:
CorsicaDreaming · 05/05/2022 11:54

Please don't throw him out OP

Stand firm against your DH on that one.

I'm an academic and he will generally have a chance to retake exams / coursework later in the summer after the Exam Boards. But he will need a stable base and internet connection to do this

At least salvage that from it all if you can.

resuwen · 05/05/2022 11:55

Kicking out a depressed child is a ridiculous idea - how would your DH live with himself of something awful happened?

It's very easy for students to spiral into debt like this, financial education in this country is awful and they are given access to credit before they are fully prepared for it. Banks encourage it to hook them in, IMO. It gets out of hand very quickly and is very frightening, particularly if you already have mental health issues. Been there, done that. If it's any consolation I am now a successful person in my 40s with my own home and an excellent credit rating, so all is not lost!

Next steps. I would take control of this, as your DS is unlikely to be able to. Let him focus on regaining his health, and emphasise that though this is very serious, you love him and it will be ok.
To do so you will require full access to all of his information and accounts. This is the pay off. If he wants to stay and for you to sort it he needs to give you full disclosure and permission to act on his behalf. Also, control of any income he receives until he's back on his feet.

Get his credit information from a company like Clear Score. It is very likely that he will be in more bother than just his rent.

When you have all the details, you can make a plan for him. There is info on how to do this on the Citizen's Advice or Money and Pensions Advisory Service websites. These also tell you what to do next if you need further support. Good luck!

pinkyredrose · 05/05/2022 11:55

You need to speak to your father's GP, he isn't medically competent to be a guarantor.

CorsicaDreaming · 05/05/2022 11:56

@VintageGibbon - totally agree with you.

grapewines · 05/05/2022 11:56

First step should be to tell family to stop sending him more money. Then see what Stepchange says. He is going to have to face up to this.

BarbaraofSeville · 05/05/2022 12:04

I'm not sure Stepchange or Payplan will help here. This is not consumer debt so might not be in their remit. Also, there's a guarantor, so from the landlord's point of view, they'll just chase the guarantor if DS doesn't pay.

Might one option to be that your DF pays OP and then your DS pays him back? Works as much as he can over the summer while living with you and do it that way. Retake his final year next year?

You say he's 'not mentally well because of this' but do you know which came first, the mental health problem, or the failing university and running up debts?

But you also need to get to the bottom of what money he's spent etc, because it does sound like he might be hiding something if he's burning through money and can't/won't explain why. Definitely don't give him money as it could just make the problem worse as in he'll keep spending on whatever and his debts will remain.

kitkatkaytie · 05/05/2022 12:29

Kicking him out is a horrid thing to do. It doesn't help anything

EvilPea · 05/05/2022 12:32

Can you run a credit check on him to see if there’s any other credit cards or loans he’s got that he isn’t telling you about / he’s forgotten?

Unless things have changed payplan did help me with more than consumer debts.

i would prioritise the car as that’s going to be an absolute fortune to resolve if it’s on the public road and gets taken to a compound, if it’s on the landlords driveway he’s running the risk of it being taken by the landlord.

i think sometimes we all need a little help when things feel over whelming regardless of age so I don’t think your wrong helping him unpick it.

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