What on Earth do I do? Ds in debt

[Realitea]

Just found out my ds who has just finished uni is in rent arrears, about £6k. The guarantor, my father, has early dementia and is heading for another heart attack with the worry of this. Ds has showed no remorse. Burying his head in the sand. I’m on UC so can hardly help myself.
Then this morning I found he also hasn’t paid his car tax so that’ll explain why he isn’t driving his car and has left it at his uni house while he’s now back home. This also means he can’t work as we live in the middle of nowhere. He’s just staying in bed all day now he’s back.
The whole family are so, so worried and angry, I was up all night trying to figure out what to do and sent a pleading email to his agents asking to agree to a payment plan instead of going to court.
I know ds is feeling suicidal about this and very depressed. He needs help but won’t get it.
It’s like he’s hiding from reality.
Dh wants to give him a week to sort something out or kick him out. I don’t think this would be helpful but what is? What do we do? He needs to realise how serious it is and get proactive but also I don’t want to lose it with him as I know he’s not mentally well due to this. To make it worse he’s pretty sure he’s failed his degree.

Presuming this DH is a stepfather?

What man considers throwing their child out?

I wish you the best, of course.

Thanks everyone. He’s talking a lot now and is grateful for my support. He’s applying for jobs today. His car is taxed and he’s checked his bank and insurance payments have gone out so I don’t know why they’re writing to say he hasn’t paid. We’ll call them next. I feel better now he’s communicating.

Yes DH is the step father

He could look into a debt relief order depending on the value of his car

It looks like third year students get a tiny amount of help financially which is how this started. Before third year he was on about £3.5k per term. His final payments this year were £1k per term. He just couldn’t manage on that and rent was just over £1.6k per term.

Please please do not listen to his step father, throwing him out would be a horrific thing to do and the consequences could be very dark. If it comes to DH or DS its DS that needs you, all the way.

Final years, and final year exams can be retaken. Feels like something happened and it all snowballed into a disaster situation he feels he can't get out of. I agree with all other posters, no money from wider family again, be open and sympathetic to him and work out with him how to deal with this. With support from you I think he could climb out of it all especially if job and uni were going relatively well only 6 months ago. He could learn a lot of lessons from this.

We all mess up royally sometime. I hope you sort it out, it must be very stressful, especially with the ridiculous attitude of your DH.

If he wants to go back to work the first thing is to tax the car and fetch it so he has the means to get to work. If he's now living back at home it shouldn't take him long to clear the debt.

Agree with other PPs about getting him to see the GP asap.

DS should start by selling the car , all proceeds go towards his rent arrears.

He wouldn't be spending his days in bed in this house.

Why are the payments lower in the third year? That's not my understanding of how student finance works ? You would have to be topping it up in that case otherwise he's in debt before he begins with most student accommodation costing about £2000 a term ??

Third year students get a little bit less than in previous years, but it sounds like your DS has gone from full loan of approx £9k to the minimum loan of approx £4k which sounds like your parental financil details didn't go through. Get him to check his student finance account, it might be something you can sort out on the phone to student finance even at this late date.

He could maybe start by selling a few bits. I know it’s unlikely to mount up to enough, but if you really put your mind to it he could sell old clothes, potentially text books, tech, etc. also what about some working from home if he can find anything - even small - people per hour, online stuff, dog walking? Anything would be of some help.

That doesn't sound correct. The student loan is reduced in the final year because it is only supposed to cover the months in the academic year, whereas previous years are supposed to cover the summer vacation too. It's usually about 25% less because funding stops after exams so the loan is reduced by the percentage of the year left until the next academic year starts. He should have got more than £1k a term if he was receiving £3.5k a term before.

Has your household income changed? Has his loan been reduced because your income has gone up and you were expected to contribute more? Did you not send in your financial details for last year so he didn't get the means tested part of the loan.

Is this in England? He should query this with student finance. The amount in final year is reduced, because it's not supposed to cover the summer after graduation. However, it shouldn't be reduced by that much. It sounds more like they didn't receive your household income information or something, and have paid him the very minimum.

Is he gambling. He should have got a reasonable student loan based on your household income, I would be wondering where the money has gone. Why did your father agree to be guarantor. Did he realise the implications if debts weren't paid.

I have experience of a similar situation. We guaranteed the rent on DS2s student house, he was one of 5 tenants. One of the students didn't pay their rent and the landlords horrible agent came after all the parents - it was a joint and several guarantee- in a really aggressive way, threatening to ruin our credit rating if we did not pay up straight away. The landlords have your father's guarantee and I suspect they will enforce it, as that way they can get their money quickly. I think your son needs sort himself out - with assistance if needed - and put together a payment scheme to reimburse his grandfather.

Didn't he have a job at uni? How could he expect to live and run a car without a job or much more family help? I had to have a job and still could never have afforded a car. He doesn't sound great with money - I sympathise as neither was I, but I lived a very very shoestring life and worked. Don't see any need to jump to drink or drugs as a reason, living is expensive and student loans for many kids aren't much. He sounds like he needs some financial education.

I don't think it's bad you are helping him as he doesn't sound like he's in a good place at all. Please don't throw him out. It's such a hard time for kids going out into the world, they don't all have their heads screwed on to the same degree and fuckups happen. He probably is hiding from reality, he must be totally overwhelmed. Tackling it problem by problem as you are and keeping him involved and contributing is the way to go imo.

You should make very clear to him what he's done to his grandfather though.

I wouldn’t sell car as he needs it to work. Hopefully he can get a job asap. I’d see if he’s ok you speaking to tutor (he’ll need to ok this) he may not have failed it may be salvageable.
I’d support not kick out. He’s young. Covid has hit this age group very hard.

Most Universities have dedicated teams of staff to support students. They are not generally academics. They will be called Student Support Tutor or the Student Life Centre or Student Advisors or Student Support and Guidance Tutors.

They can help or signpost on a huge range of financial / academic/ emotional/ support issues.

I would recommend going on the Uni website and then making contact with them. Tel call or zoom / Teams meeting. Your son will need to be first contact due to data protection, but if he is willing to give signed written consent, they may also talk to you directly (or it may be your son can do it himself, depending how he's feeling) and help resolve some of the issues - or forward you on to someone who can.

How much would it cost to tax the car? Is it otherwise MOTd and insured?

Unless it's a really nice car selling it won't cover the debt he owes so his best option would be to get a job, live at home so he has low outgoings and pay off the arrears.

If a car is necessary to get a job then I would prioritise getting the car road legal again so that he can tackle the rest.

Speak to his tutor they will be able to point you in the right direction. There is always hope - your son is young - give him a chance and your support. I got into £4k debt at uni when I was his age and felt dreadful about myself - luckily I opened up to my mum and she helped me through that time. And I couldn't even blame Covid! It was a lesson learnt and it has never happened again. I have to say that I would be more inclined to chuck your "DH" out - how dare he be so horrible about your child. You need to kick into protective tiger mother mode now and tell him where to go!

I came on hear to say i bet your DH is the step dad. How can you write in the same post that you think your DS is suicidal but your DH wants to chuck him out. Lovely and caring -not. My DS was in a mess after uni, lots of debts and ended up with a CCJ due to an unpaid train ticket at £1.60 with a 600 bill to pay and a conviction for it, rent debt with the uni, and various other things. He would bury his head in the sand and not deal with anything. I sat with him an worked out what was due and I took out a loan and paid it all off. He pays me the monthly loan amount. This has allowed him to move out, get a job and a flat with mates. The debts and poor credit rating was affecting his ability to move on.
Obviously not everyone is in a position to do what I did but I certainly did not throw him out.

The uni tutor wont tell you anything as your DS is an adult however you can contact the student union and get a contact for your DS which is what I did when my DS needed to sort out some issues with his course and needed support

He should at least be transparent with his bank statements as that would lead me to believe he was hiding something.

This isn't correct - the loans are the same if not slightly higher as the amount increases year by year. Do you help him with the student finance application? Did he get both loans? There's no way he only got £1k per term if you and your husband are on UC.

Stepchange definitely don't restrict their work to consumer credit. I've helped clients get rent, council tax and utility arrears written off via Stepchange.

Just to clarify - the third term amount is less but the first two terms are the same as usual.