What on Earth do I do? Ds in debt

[Realitea]

Just found out my ds who has just finished uni is in rent arrears, about £6k. The guarantor, my father, has early dementia and is heading for another heart attack with the worry of this. Ds has showed no remorse. Burying his head in the sand. I’m on UC so can hardly help myself.
Then this morning I found he also hasn’t paid his car tax so that’ll explain why he isn’t driving his car and has left it at his uni house while he’s now back home. This also means he can’t work as we live in the middle of nowhere. He’s just staying in bed all day now he’s back.
The whole family are so, so worried and angry, I was up all night trying to figure out what to do and sent a pleading email to his agents asking to agree to a payment plan instead of going to court.
I know ds is feeling suicidal about this and very depressed. He needs help but won’t get it.
It’s like he’s hiding from reality.
Dh wants to give him a week to sort something out or kick him out. I don’t think this would be helpful but what is? What do we do? He needs to realise how serious it is and get proactive but also I don’t want to lose it with him as I know he’s not mentally well due to this. To make it worse he’s pretty sure he’s failed his degree.

Get him to speak to student welfare at the uni. They are used to these sort of things, understand all the finance and they will help him. I know someone who got into a mess and student welfare gave him money to get him back on his feet, not saying they would give him £6k but as they say every little helps.

The uni also tend to know local agents/landlords and will stand a better chance of negotiating. We had a bad experience with one student let, house flooded and was unsafe and agents wouldn't do anything. The welfare office sorted in hours and electricians went in and dehumidifiers and people to clean up the mess. We wanted our child out and student welfare negotiated to get them out of their contract.

There is help out there.

In this situation I would not throw him out as mentally he isn’t strong enough. It won’t help him get back on track and that is the end goal for you.
Worry less about the rent arrears r now and focus on the car and getting work for him anywhere like a supermarket. Then see if he can make payment plans for any debts. Stepchange will help.

I think you need to be very clear about where the money has gone - if he is gambling, for example, you'd be throwing good money after bad. I would not kick him out, and I would help him as much as I could, but I'd make that conditional on full openness with you.

As previous poster.
Prioritise the car (assuming it is still there and he hasn't sold it)
Get him into work with every penny not spent getting work going straight to grandads bank account.
He signed as a guarantor. I doubt it can avoided tbh, plus court fees and costs and stress.

Just because someone has dementia doesn't mean they've lost capacity over their finances (or anything else).

Can your df agree to pay the arrears? If he agreed to be guarantor he should be prepared to do this. Then if this was me I would pay the car tax so that he has a way of earning and get him working to pay back the debt if his mental health is good enough. being angry and threatening to chick him out isn't going to help. He has been stupid but all young people make stupid mistakes.

My DS got into a 4k mess at the end of uni. The final term payment is a hit that we didn't realise- it doesn't cover much.
We knew about it with DD and so were prepared and helped her out.

He must have been miserable. I hope he hasn't failed, but if he has, appeal and go for resits. I didn't know it was possible in final year, but it happened to a friend of DD and she slogged through them again and is now happy and doing well.

I would also say that it possibly isn't that hard to get into stupid amounts of debt as a student.
DD was offered a credit card and something like a £3k overdraft. I told her not to sign up to a student bank account.
But if you factor in the "pay day" loan type stuff it probably isn't difficult to fall into a trap and very hard to get out.

Hope you get this sorted

I would question how the agent let it mount up to £6000, that must be more than 6 months rent assuming a shared house?

I understand you must be very annoyed with him, but I would try and help him solve it. I would approach the Landlord and ask for a payment plan and at the same time ask why it was able to mount up. It may make them more willing to agree a plan if you are involved.

I would also try to get him to find a way to finish his degree if he is in the final year he must have passed the other years and so it would be a waste to throw it away at this stage.

I would perhaps put the car tax on direct debit, it will reduce the initial outlay and perhaps give him the tools to get a job.

Student loan for final year is much less because it only covers up to the date the course ends. Other years cover a full year including summer, but the amount should still be enough to pay rent and subsistence for the months he was there.

Stepchange are WAY better than payplan, believe me, for how they treat their staff, SC are much much better!

Also, stepchange ARE a charity and they don't charge their clients.

It does go down for final year as every other year is designed to cover the summer and the last one isn't- however, only the last payment should be lower.

University is a really horrible time for lots of young people.

Firstly his degree. He will have results from all of his work to date so he and his lecturers will know what he needs to do to get whatever grade he's heading for. Speak to whoever his lecturer is and see what his likely grade is. Even if he hasn't done great, it doesn't have to be the end of the world although it'll feel like it for him just now. Carol Vodeeman only got a third class degree and had somehow reinvented herself as some sort of genius which she's is definitely not. 😄

He's got himself in a muddle money wise, he's not the first and won't he the last. Often the pressure on young people to go to uni and move away from home is huge. This can be a terrible idea for lots of young people, they're just not ready and mentally and practically it makes things significantly more difficult than they need to be.

He needs loads of love, understanding and support. He needs to be told countless times that things will get sorted and everyone will get through it. It's "only" money. Easily said but you've got to sound as though you believe it!!

I might have guessed. What an arse, suggesting you kick out your son when he's obviously in need. I can't stand this idea that your kids fend for themselves as soon as they're 18. He needs you. I'd be seriously considering whether to kick out the DH (and I say this with a DH who is step-dad to 2 of my DC).

This thread has restored my faith in MN.
I fully expected lots of posters to jump on saying throw him out / he's an adult / wastral etc. That's usually the response when adult children get into difficulties.
Instead lots of kind useful advice.
Nothing to add OP except that it sounds like there is more going on than you know. I hope you get to the bottom of it and he gets help.

Can his bank help?

Presumably he's used all his loan allowance?

Citizens advice will help him sort through the options, make him an appointment and drag him there if needs be.

His car needs sorning otherwise it will be carted away. Do that first so he at least keeps hold of one asset.

Poor DS, he is still young, don't beat him up, he's beating himself up already.

I personally don't know anyone who left uni without an overdraft. My DN flat mate didn't pay the rent, wrecked tge flat and my DM ended up paying c£5k, even though she had a guarantor!

Sh1t happens, it's a good life lesson to learn to budget young.

Best of luck to all of you x

Did you submit your income details to support his loan application this year? Was everything confirmed received etc? Can you log in to your own account and see if anything is outstanding?

I second this, it's really nice to see.

Good luck OP. A friend went through similar with her DS. In his case it was online gambling.

Sit down with him, tell him that the debt is very serious but that it's nothing you can't fix. He just has to address it, you want to and can help him. Let's start fresh.

He needs to get a payment plan set up and tax his car. Send the email, drag together the money. That will be a huge boost to his confidence and his independence. He also needs to talk to the GP - does he want you to come with him?

Next comes uni... he might think he's the first to blunder... he's not. Contact the uni offices and set up a meeting, he will be able to access counselling, possibly a bursary and receive academic support.

Remind DH that you're parents and it doesn't stop the second they turn 18. He needs you, as an adult who was drowning at this age with no parental support, I can only emphasise HOW much he needs you. At that age they seem so grown up but they're still really only teenagers. He's never too old for help from his Mum - especially when he's struggling.

Are you kidding me? This is a lot of catastrophising. How is the whole family in an uproar around this? It's not great but he's a young man who just finished uni, has a car, and lives with mum and dad. He can pay off £6000 in six months or less!

You are all not helping with all the teeth-gnashing. He incurred debt whilst finishing uni. It happens.

First of all, he or another family member pays the car tax with a credit card. DONE.

Then he works double shifts for the summer. £1000-£2000 per month. Debt will be gone in no time.

Think very carefully before you rush in and rescue him OP. Ask yourself how many holes you are prepared to dig him out of.

Fine if he wants your help to sort out his fuck up, not so fine if he just sits back and lets mummy and step dad and grandad sort it all out. There are worse things than having to take responsibility for your actions.

The holes to dig him out of are endless when there is a chance he is suicidal.

I would rather have a reliant adult child than a dead son.

I say this having known grown adults who seem like they 'just sit back' feeling so out of control and depressed that they think taking their own lives are the only solution.

As I say, they're never to old to have a safe place to land. If you offer help and he tells you to fuck off, so be it but never stop offering support.

Thanks everyone.
Dh is paying the car so he’ll be able to get to work and he applied for jobs today which is great.
i hope he feels more positive after today, I certainly do, just for talking about it with him and putting together plan.