What on Earth do I do? Ds in debt

[Realitea]

Just found out my ds who has just finished uni is in rent arrears, about £6k. The guarantor, my father, has early dementia and is heading for another heart attack with the worry of this. Ds has showed no remorse. Burying his head in the sand. I’m on UC so can hardly help myself.
Then this morning I found he also hasn’t paid his car tax so that’ll explain why he isn’t driving his car and has left it at his uni house while he’s now back home. This also means he can’t work as we live in the middle of nowhere. He’s just staying in bed all day now he’s back.
The whole family are so, so worried and angry, I was up all night trying to figure out what to do and sent a pleading email to his agents asking to agree to a payment plan instead of going to court.
I know ds is feeling suicidal about this and very depressed. He needs help but won’t get it.
It’s like he’s hiding from reality.
Dh wants to give him a week to sort something out or kick him out. I don’t think this would be helpful but what is? What do we do? He needs to realise how serious it is and get proactive but also I don’t want to lose it with him as I know he’s not mentally well due to this. To make it worse he’s pretty sure he’s failed his degree.

That doesn't make sense. I thought they all received the same amount each academic year.

It does mean that his debt tallies with normal outgoings though.

Get him to chase payments. DS was given far too little this year, queried it and was sent the full amount. It was a mistake.

OK, thanks for that. I still don't think the landlord will readily agree to a reduced payment plan with the OPs DS without a fight when there's a guarantor that they can pursue for the full amount.

The difference for the maximum maintenance loan in the final year is only about £600 less for the whole year.

You really need to go back to SFE and check because those figures don't stack up unless you've had a big income change.

screenshot from UCAS

A warning for you - if you do contact the uni as some have suggested (and I would in this instance were it my son) be prepared that he may have dropped out without telling you or failed a year etc - unfortunately this is how some parents find out.

@Realitea

before you do all this rescuing i implore you to find out where all the money went? This is critical.

When you say his loan is lower? Have you actually seen evidence of this? Or is that what he is telling you?

Whilst I don’t think kicking him out and leaving him to sort himself is the right thing to do, I can understand your share frustration. I would be horrified if dd left my dad in this situation, carried in lying and hiding things and generally tries to ignore it. But I doubt he would say the same if it was his child.

Your son is hiding something. Yes he needs help and it should be given. But until he is willing to come clean and be transparent any help isn’t going to solve the issue.

Even if he got slightly less in his loan he is 6k in debt and hasn’t even paid his car tax. And on top of his loan your mum has been sending him ‘lots’.

No I think the third year it’s reduced quite a lot. I am going to log in to student finance with him though and check. They have made mistakes before and we had to chase for the correct amount. Maybe that’s what’s happened here. That would be a relief.

The first payments were £3.5k then it goes down to £1k. I think there must be a problem as my income hasn’t shot up that much and neither has dh’s!

I know it's difficult when you live rurally (I do too) but is there any way at all he could job hunt without a car? The expense of running one, especially for a young person with likely high insurance, is something he could do without. Is there anyone who could give him a lift on their way to work getting him to somewhere with employment opportunities? A family member he could stay with? Even a car he could borrow and pay for temporary insurance to cover his commute?

Last year my DS worked 30 miles away in the uni holidays. A car wasn't an option so the only way he could do it was to arrive via public transport 2 hours before his shift started. After the first week or two though he found colleagues travelling roughly the same way and managed to get lifts.

It might be totally impossible in which case he must keep the car but I'd be seriously brainstorming alternatives in his/your shoes.

Good luck to you all.

Have you logged in to see the transactions on his bank account (s). Without that, you will really struggle to see the whole picture.

I'd run a credit check at the same time.

You sound as if you are doing s good job getting him to communicate while making progress to resolve. You really don't want any more bad news to be waiting to ambush you.

Tell him you are calling a family meeting. He must attend. Assure him he still has a home with you but he must be open and completely honest. You must see bank statements. Look carefully, is there any sign of gambling or drugs. Look for large payments or withdrawals. He must tell you what they are for. Pay his road tax for him but keep a record of how much you are paying for him. He can pay you back once he is on his feet. Get him back to driving. Look for full time summer work, supermarkets, restaurant, bars, labouring etc. There is loads of this work around. Get him to GP. Does he need a course of antidepressants? Contact uni, can he resit? Contact debt counseling. Can he have payment plan? LL will go after your Dad, not DS. He willingly acted as a guarantor, before his mental health was in question so he most likely will be taken to court. Your ds will have to repay his dgd.

If he'd been getting 3.5k per term but this year has only had 1k per term, the short fall explains the debt almost exactly.

I am both a Univ tutor and the parent of a student. If he was getting £1k plus each term this year that sounds to me like he’s received the minimum amount and not a higher amount t that he has previously been entitled to. My DS gets about £1500 each term because of our income and we top that up. I would sit down with him and check his student finance account.

How horrible for you all.
Has anyone mentioned Breathing Space? This won't clear the rent arrears, but will pause any enforcement action for 60 days while you work out a plan, or longer if it's agreed that your DS is in a mental health crisis. A Citizens Advice Debt advisor can apply for this for your son.

Let him know that however daft he's been with his money you won't judge or criticise as long as he keeps talking to find the best solutions. He's probably feeling a lot of guilt and shame right now.

You said he's showed no remorse/ burying his head in the sand, but then said he's suicidal about it. Which is it?

That really doesn't sound right. Did you not query this at the start of the year ? He must have been skint all year - why did you not top it up ? My parents weren't very over Involved but they would have realised something wasn't right here . You might find your entitled to back pay that amounts to the debt?

Can you clarify what you mean by this? Did he get £3.5k in the autumn and spring terms of the third year, then £1k in the summer term? Or do you mean he got £3.5k per term in the first and second year, then £1k per term in his third year?

You really need to sit down with him and his bank statements. The student finance figures sound low (even with the smaller payment in the third term). He's also said the insurance and tax on the car is paid but they are still chasing payment? I think you will find more debt. He can't just take to his room - are you sure he's depressed or is he just hiding?

He should be getting way more than £1000 a term this year. The final terms loan is a little lower, but only a few hundred. Get onto SLC urgently.

Sorry but if he wasn't paying rent then where was the money going? Won't show you bank statements? I'd have to get to the bottom of that first

If his rent is £1.6k per term, how how he managed to run up that much debt? £6k would be more than a year? Are you sure it's not total debt for everyone in the house, because they're jointly liable?

Hope you can support your son to start sorting things out OP.

I'd recommend Christian's Against Poverty over Stepped Change. CAP are a charity and genuinely care, SC are a business and treat their staff terribly.

@Realitea Do you mean £3.5k in the first two terms of this year then £1k in the final term or only £1k per term for all of his 3rd year? If the latter, then he’s probably just got the minimum loan and your household finances probably haven’t been processed. If the former, that might be right for 3rd year, sadly. You need to look at his student finance account with him. Fingers crossed it’s just a student finance issue. But he should have picked this up quite a while ago and not sat on it. Hindsight is always perfect though.

The problem here is that IF it was a student loan problem, why did he tell you?

dd would definitely tell me if her loan was a lot less than expected.

I know someone who decided to supplement his student loan with online gambling to pay it off and racked up huge debts.

His parents and he went to a charity who set up a payment plan. His parents offered to pay off the loan but were told by the charity - what will he learn then. The charity said he needed to learn and he had a 5 year put on strict payment plan, no credit cards etc, all his wages were budgeted by the charity. He’s doing really well now.

I’d speak to a charity in this area to see if they can assist