What on Earth do I do? Ds in debt

[Realitea]

Just found out my ds who has just finished uni is in rent arrears, about £6k. The guarantor, my father, has early dementia and is heading for another heart attack with the worry of this. Ds has showed no remorse. Burying his head in the sand. I’m on UC so can hardly help myself.
Then this morning I found he also hasn’t paid his car tax so that’ll explain why he isn’t driving his car and has left it at his uni house while he’s now back home. This also means he can’t work as we live in the middle of nowhere. He’s just staying in bed all day now he’s back.
The whole family are so, so worried and angry, I was up all night trying to figure out what to do and sent a pleading email to his agents asking to agree to a payment plan instead of going to court.
I know ds is feeling suicidal about this and very depressed. He needs help but won’t get it.
It’s like he’s hiding from reality.
Dh wants to give him a week to sort something out or kick him out. I don’t think this would be helpful but what is? What do we do? He needs to realise how serious it is and get proactive but also I don’t want to lose it with him as I know he’s not mentally well due to this. To make it worse he’s pretty sure he’s failed his degree.

Almost certainly drugs.

He should sell his car for a start - maybe he already has.

I agree, it would just make it worse!

Not necessarily. Lots of things it could be

Gambling
Sex
Even being bullied into paying for/buying other people things

I've been here - different circumstances in that I was a single parent working part time, went back full time as I was broke, got behind on bills and rent because I was paying childcare etc, not getting maintenance and didn't realise I was able to claim help. I was trying to do it all on my one wage.

My grandparents bailed me out, I got the support I was entitled to and started again.

OP there's a reason he's not showing you the bank statements - he's not going to tell you now so assume is something he's embarrassed about. He's also confided in you which is a start, he obv wants help. See what advice you get from those you have contacted already, but Def try and see if you can repay on a plan. It will make it a lot harder for him to start a fresh with a CCJ on his file. Also tell family to stop sending him money, if they want to help they can send it to you. I know you say he's no car but if he feels he can get his job back is there absolutely no way of getting there? Bus? Bike? Train? I used to leave at 7 to start at 9 as I needed to walk 45 mins to the childminder then wait for the next bus to work. Ball ache but me and my child needed the money. If he needs it he will find a way. Not surprised he is feeling down etc degrees are stressful but he probably feels there's no way out and like he's failed you. Make it clear he hasn't which it sounds like you are doing. We all make mistakes, it's how we come back from them.

Firstly you need to help him to prioritise.
He has a debt that needs repaying so get a payment plan in place.

He needs a car to get to work, if it were my ds I would set up the tax to go out monthly today so he can collect the car and bring it home and be prepared to pay that and minimal use petrol until his first paycheck.

GP to check mental health.

Give him time and space, no judgement, he's a young person, fucking up is part of life. Hopefully he can learn from it.

How long does he have left at University, ask him what he needs to finish the course. How can you help?

Right now you have a humiliated, upset, worried, scared human being looking to you for help. You and your dh need to be there without anger or judgement as that will only cause your ds to shut down communication and build walls.

Definitely make sure he has to take some financial responsibility - my second year housemate used to collect all our rent (in the days you paid the landlord cash or cheque when they called round) and ended up spending it all and sweet talking the landlord who eventually clocked on . Her parents bailed her out -they were furious but mortified and once they cleared her debt it was never mentioned again -and she continued to have financial problems for the next ten years or so as she hadn't really learnt anything from the rent mess.
I would say you will only help if he shows you his bank statements
Then you can help him organise his finances . It may not be anything sinister and just going out to much, taxis etc - it's what £600 a month if this academic year? Surely you know what he got from student finance though ?

I wouldn't kick him out. You're doing everything you can or should be doing, but why isn't he the one calling stepchange ? If he can't afford to .tax his car, sell it, would be a start towards repaying the debt. If he leaves it parked at his former flat , untaxed there's a risk it could be towed away.
Why should where you live prevent him from having a job ? Even without a car , he could ride a bike
Letting him wallow in self pity isn't going to help his mental health, he needs to take responsibility for himself.
Advise him, support him and encourage him but not by giving him money or making excuses for him

I agree get the car on the road asap. He needs support at this time not kicking out. Of course he is burying his head in the sand he must be seeing a tunnel with no light at the end ever. If he has failed his degree he can resit exams, if it is course work speak to his personal tutor ask for advice. Find out what he spent his money on was it partying or drugs or something. Yes he has been extremely stupid but right now he needs support and a plan so he can see light at the end of the tunnel. Hope the GP will help him op

Well I agee that kicking someone who is deopressed out isnt the nicest thing ever.
However he is an ADULT who has lived on his own for 3 or 4 years. And he needs to start taking some responsibility too.

So far, he has stuck his head in the sand and is now 'depressed' over the issue. Thats not good enough. Not good enough to not go and see the GP. Not good enough to refuse to show you his bank statements. Not good enough to just rely on you to sort stuff out as if he was still 15yo.

Now I WOULD help him, in big parts because of the effect it would have on your father.
But I'd be very careful about not enabling him.

Eg has he looked at all the student loans he can get (I'm thinking banks there not the normal ones)
Can he get some sort of repayment plan fro the landlord?
Is he starting to look for a job, any job to reimburse whoever is going to fork the money?
Is he going to go and see the GP and actually follow that up? (Tbh I get he can be depressed or even suicidal but the only way he will get better is by solving the issue of the debt. Medication isn't going to do that. What it will do is ease is emotional suffereing a bit, avoid him feeling suicidal but it's not going to make him 'not depressed' iyswim).

The one thing I would help is the car so he has no excuse left but to go and find a job.

If sit him down and explain that this isn't insurmountable. But it needs sorting. And make him ring the relevant people.

Email tutor aswell. Ask for phone call. Find out what options are re degree. Repeat last year?

Good point about the Uni having some students services that should be able to help/guide him too.

Is your husband his dad?

Not wanting to show you his statements is a red flag. If you're going to sort this out for him you need to know what he's spent the money on. Could he get a summer job to pay back a lone?

It is possible he's got into financial difficulties purely on mainly normal living costs and attempting to run a car as a student. It is now often seen as a norm, but cars are expensive and there's no way I could have afforded one as a student.

If he's a student in an expensive area just living, rent, and the occasional night out takes all their money. It is really sad when I compare it to when I was a student (over 20 years ago).

I have good keen students who are on full
time degrees but miss a lot of lectures/ workshops. When I ask them why it's because they need to work 20 hours a week to get by and have to work the shifts they are given. It is not at all easy to be a student now.

Maybe he has some outgoings on his bank statements he's worried about your reaction - but much of it could just be trying to balance finances which are really stacked against students with cost of living / precarious jobs.

By an expensive area I mean anywhere in the south-east, Bristol, Durham, etc

It's not necessarily drugs. A friend of DS2 got into buying crypto currency, sure he'd make a fortune from it. He lost £20k of a family fund set aside for his uni education. It's easy for them, especially when they were so isolated and had so little going on - no contact with adult tutors etc during lockdown for two bloody years, to just sink into internet promises and try to do something like this.

DS admitted he was thinking of buying cryptocurrency too but said every time he sees his friend he looks green with anxiety as he's constantly throwing good money after bad trying to recoup the losses. It's a form of gambling.

Your DS sounds very depressed. I agree, get the car back on the road and get him earning.

as for the guarantor aspect - they’re relying on his grandfather capitulating. If you can summons the energy, I’d be calling the agents and saying whilst you understand you don’t have PoA, his grandfather was not of “conscious mind” (or whatever it’s called) to be signing such papers and that no judge in the land is going to enforce that. So they can either suck up the payment plan or stand in front of a judge saying they’d like a man with dementia to pay up as a guarantor.

judges do NOT like to see people stitched up by money-lending gits.

If you’re on a low income so he gets the full student loan (£9k), he’s £6k in rent arrears and your mum has also sent him money, he’s spent more than £15k this year and you don’t know on what. It’s not living costs / his car (unless he’s bought a new one without you noticing!).

I do think you really need to find out whether it’s drugs or gambling because I’m not sure what else there is!

@Realitea my daughter has done very similar. She was at Uni but failed the first year, didn't tell us and went back in September into a very expensive private rental. She obviously couldn't get a student loan as she wasn't a student any more so got into so so much debt. She really did just bury her head in the sand and didn't answer messages or calls etc from us for months. Her dad went and picked her up and all the truth came out (still not from her, he went through the email trails). We had to borrow from everyone to pay off the £10K she owed and she is now having to work and pay every penny back. It's a nightmare and so so hard. We said when she came home it was done and we would start with a clean slate but she constantly takes the piss and doesn't try to help herself. We do wonder whether she has some additional needs as she can't 'adult' at all but it is soul destroying.

I’m wondering the same. Hope no one has taken advantage of the poor guy.

He hasn't actually failed his degree yet

Not saying you should kick him out or shouldn't help him sort this, but he needs to get his head out of the sand and fast. The lack of remorse could (I suppose) be depression but is concerning. I would be firmly asking him to talk to his GP, in case there is a MH issue behind this and/or if substances are involved.

What can't be an option is staying in bed and pretending it isn't happening. Allowing that will do him no favours in even the short term.

Agree that kicking him out will not help but he needs to be open and honest with you about what has happened to the money. Either sell the car or get it back on the road and get a job and someone speak to uni about resit if necessary. Visit to GP got counselling/medication if he needs it.

All that money must have gone somewhere and then extra from your dm

its prob gambling or something like that and he doesnt want to tel you-but you have to know otherwise you cant help

they will still go after the gurantor im afriad they dont really care if you offer a payment plan when thy have the means to get the whole thing

Hi op can I give a different perspective. When I was a student I got in big debt and was just terrible with money. I would spend on nights out as I could just never say no to being out with friends. I feel ashamed to be honest at how terrible I was with money.

However. I had well off parents and they bailed ne out. I think what your son has done is probably common but sadly he is not in a position where family can help. The reason is ay this is thst I really don't think you should kick him out. Young people make stupid mistakes.

He needs to get up out of bed. Fir this to happen he needs to see adults around him being calm. In the end its q debt not a crime.

Let him learn how to face problems by saying you will face them with him but he needs to engage now