What on Earth do I do? Ds in debt

[Realitea]

Just found out my ds who has just finished uni is in rent arrears, about £6k. The guarantor, my father, has early dementia and is heading for another heart attack with the worry of this. Ds has showed no remorse. Burying his head in the sand. I’m on UC so can hardly help myself.
Then this morning I found he also hasn’t paid his car tax so that’ll explain why he isn’t driving his car and has left it at his uni house while he’s now back home. This also means he can’t work as we live in the middle of nowhere. He’s just staying in bed all day now he’s back.
The whole family are so, so worried and angry, I was up all night trying to figure out what to do and sent a pleading email to his agents asking to agree to a payment plan instead of going to court.
I know ds is feeling suicidal about this and very depressed. He needs help but won’t get it.
It’s like he’s hiding from reality.
Dh wants to give him a week to sort something out or kick him out. I don’t think this would be helpful but what is? What do we do? He needs to realise how serious it is and get proactive but also I don’t want to lose it with him as I know he’s not mentally well due to this. To make it worse he’s pretty sure he’s failed his degree.

Refusing to show the bank statement is an indication of him lying to you. He knows where the money went and is either embarrassed or doesn’t give a flying fig. I have a son who played the depression card whenever he gets caught in a lie and it’s infuriating.
If I were you, I wouldn’t kick him out but I’d stop making excuses for him and demand he accepts responsibility and is honest or refuse to help him in anyway other than a roof over his head.
Unfortunately I have no advice about your dad

Things may have changed since my DH studied but only his mum’s income was taken into account when he applied for student loan as he was never adopted by his (step) dad. His biological father died of cancer at 26 when DH was 7 months old.
Does your husband’s income get taken into account now too?

I hope you can find a way through this OP. Definitely get the guarantor agreement looked at even though it was unwitnessed as mine was when I stood as guarantor for DH. Before we were married he decided to go back and get a second degree as a mature student.

I should add that I’m in Scotland so things may be different legally.

Yes step dad's income does get taken into account now if living together

That should be as it was unwitnessed not even though it was unwitnessed.

@Rhodora In England it’s the household income that the student lives in, so parent/parents they live with and if the parents are divorced or separated, it’s only the parent the student lives with mainly (plus any live in partner, married or otherwise) that’s assessed.

And you and your partner together definitely earned under £25k combined, op?

In which case, it isn't looking good. Until he stops lying about the amount of money he has had, he isn't going to face reality (unless of course he can prove student finance did pay him only 1k a term - which there is still time to change)

I think you do need to absolutely insist on seeing the bank statements OP. When my ex ran up a heap of debt he only admitted to the stuff I’d already figured out for myself, but when I eventually got access to the accounts that was only the tip of the iceberg. He would also lie and say things like there was a mistake with his wages etc to try to cover where money had gone. I’m not saying for a minute not to support your son, but those are two pretty big red flags for me, and you need to insist on complete honesty from here on out.
I do also think though that the loan situation is worth investigating just in case. You say you are on UC, but what does your husband earn? That will have been taken into account too. (And if he’s the problem, it’s even worse that he’s threatening to make your son homeless!)

They don’t just pay a lot less in the third year OP. That’s not how it works.
He needs to speak to SFE with your support as that will be where his problems started.

Tax his car for him, he can get a job and then pay off his debts. Allow him to grow and up and learn responsibility.

Just an update for everyone - we have sorted the car so ds can use it again now. He got a job last night which is full time. I accessed his credit score which showed exactly what he owes and to who. The student finance is still a mystery but we are working on that. I still want to know where all the money has gone
Dh has been nothing but supportive to ds and I think the kicking him out thing was just said in anger at the time and no further reference to that has been made thank goodness!

@Blantw his DSD has already done that for him (pages ago.)

Sorry, previous message took ages to post my internet is slow

Student finance doesn’t go down in the third year.

ask him for his bank statements for the year to evidence his claim that the money goes down. He’s lying.

re job. Great. Get it paid directly to your father if he ends up footing this until such time as your son has cleared the debt in full. Your dad can pay him minimal amount to live off. And I mean minimal.

Brilliant @Realitea

Things are looking up

It does go down in final year
www.ucas.com/student-finance-england/living-costs-full-time-students#:~:text=Student%20finance%20in%20your%20final,once%20your%20course%20has%20ended

Just not from 3.5k a term to 1k a term

@Realitea sorry I apologise. Your right and I can access it to see what I need to upload. I can access his as he gave me the details to keep an eye on evidence with regard to his disability etc.

Sorry if I mislead you.

Has he given you access to his online banking? That's how you will be able to work out what's really happened.

It is easy for a young person to get into debt these days. Student Loan maintenance payments barely cover rent, let alone all other costs. Tell your son not to worry there is help out there.

Contact Citizens Advice Bureau or Christians Against Poverty. Both these organisations can help negotiate with creditors on his behalf and sometimes wipe some of the debt away. They have helped thousands of people out of debt.

Reassure your son that there is help and he will come out of this situation and all will be fine. Give him hope. Perhaps he can also claim UC if he is actively looking for work?

What career is he interested in? Help him to focus on a happy future where he is doing what he wants to do and is earning from that. Even if university didn't work out for him perhaps there is a different path for him to take?

Creditors can send awful threatening letters that can cause distress. But tell him not to fear, so long as he is showing that he is actively working to pay off the debt then creditors can get off his back.

Definitely speak to the CAB or CAP. He will feel so much better when he speaks to these people as they will be able to help him. I know that CAP takes a very holistic approach to the matter as they recognise how debt impacts mental health.

Wishing your son all the best in his future.

That's great news that things are moving forward OP. You're right to still be worried about what has happened. Either he didn't get the money in the first place as he said, in which case he has no reason not to log in on student finance in front of you and show you, and show you his bank statements. That would be easily fixed by contacting student finance if that is what happened.
Given he won't show you either his SF account or his bank statements, that suggests he is lying and there is a bigger problem. This won't be fixed unless you find out what that bigger problem is. If he isn't into drinking etc I'd take a guess at gambling or online gaming.

100% agree with you hat this poster has said- good luck OP I really hope your able to help your son get his head out of the sand and get his mental health issues addressed xx

Could this be gambling debt? The landlord would have been chasing for a long time, this sounds like a years rent.
I paid my DD rent and he repaid when he got his loan, we got the minimum loan available as our income is higher, so the loans covered the rent and we supported with around £250 a month and he got a job.

Talk to the uni, they have a duty of care and should have picked up the depression. He would also be entitled to resubmit if he has depression and didn't realise. So yes GP needs to be involved.

This is embarrassing so the rest of the family should not be involved. Step change and other agencies can help, even if the landlord went to court, the court would set up a payment plan and not grab straight from Grandad in this situation.

This sounds like a lot to carry but firstly, MH needs should be addressed before he gets worse. Sending hugs.

In one breath you're saying he's buried his head in the sand and is showing no remorse for what he's done, then in the next you say he's worried sick and suicidal.... he can't really be both - is he worried or is he showing no remorse?

It's HIS mess, HE needs to sort it, NOT YOU.
Yes, you're his mum and you want to look after your little boy but if you do HE'LL NEVER LEARN.
HE needs to be the one talking to his landlord.
HE needs to sort the car out.
HE needs to get HIS backside into gear and find a job to pay HIS debts.
This may sound harsh but if you or anyone else bail him out, he'll do it again, I've seen it happen too many times with friends' kids. They have to learn to stand on their own two feet and if you don't make him do it now, he never will.