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Original poster

Health Visitor turned up after I declined appointment

699 replies

AliceBeazley · 21/04/2022 22:42

So, the Health Visitor. I understand it can be a valuable service to some, and it's good we have this available to us if we need it.

That said, I've never really felt the need myself. I had a visit from one once or twice after my first son was born, and she was very nice but it wasn't especially useful and just took up my time when I would rather have been doing something else.

Whenever I've been sent an appointment, I've gone through the checklist and never had any concerns. I've also got various books on child development in the early years and am proactive about checking whether milestones are being met. I've therefore cancelled all HV appointments that have been sent, and other than the office staff seeming a little puzzled, I've never had an issue doing this.

Roll on to baby number 2. I declined the checks from the start, other than arranging for the HV to come and weigh him when he was a few weeks old. When the 1 year check appointment came through I called the office and cancelled again. The woman said she would pass the message on to the HV.

The HV called and left a message to say she had my message and that's fine, but she could come and do another weigh if I wanted to, yada yada yada.

Feeling the matter was resolved, I forgot about it.

This morning the HV turned up at the door for the 9-12 month check. I explained it had been cancelled, and she sort of made noises as if that was a surprise. I said hang on, did you say your name was "Emma", wasn't it you who left a message for me to acknowledge I'd cancelled. She then said "Yes but as I said, it would be nice to meet you both". I said "Well there's lots of people it would be nice to meet, but you can't just turn up at people's doors uninvited". It was this point she obviously could tell I was annoyed at her intrusion and decides to scuttle off again.

I'm pretty annoyed by this to be honest. She knew I wasn't interested but she tried to disregard my wishes and try and come in anyway. I know a lot of people think HV appointments are mandatory and they don't do anything to point out the contrary. I feel like she just wanted to railroad me into letting her in whether I wanted to see her or not. This tactic probably works on some. I have to say I find it quite disturbing that someone acting on behalf of a government funded organisation can decide to turn up at your house and ask to see your children and intrude upon your privacy without any mandate or justification. As if the state knows better than me and I am unable to opt out.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like complaining about this as its a complete overstep. I've no idea who to complain to or if it would even do any good. I'd appreciate other's thoughts on it. TIA.

OP posts:
BedknobsNoBroomsticks · 21/04/2022 22:50

Health visitors are there for the child and the parents.

Denying visits is a little unusual. There may be dangerous reasons for this such as abuse, child or domestic, the health visitor is there to make sure everything is ok. Safeguarding is a part of their job.

FAQs · 21/04/2022 22:52

Thank goodness I had a pushy HV I’d never have got help with my PND, I was too ill to ask for help myself, I remember her saying they worry about those who don’t interact not those who do, for child safety checkups/reasons.

BuanoKubiamVej · 21/04/2022 22:52

You seem to be a perfectly capable, resilient and well-informed mum who generally has no need of the HV's services.

From their point of view, if all they had is a string of phone calls cancelling appointments, they had no way of knowing the difference between your own confident and happy situation, and an almost identical (as far as their records show) situation of a woman who is being coercively controlled by an abusive partner who is making sure she us isolated from anyone who could help her.

Turning up at your door and seeing for themselves that you know what you want and don't need their help allows them to be reassured that you are genuinely ok.

The alternative scenario does happen. And sadly often sooner or later the woman, and sometimes her child too, end up dead. And when that happens the investigation lists all the touch points of service providers like health visitors who could have spotted that something was dodgy but didn't try to make contact.

She didn't barge into your home, she left you alone when you asked her to. There's no harm done. Please don't complain. Their current procedure will be saving lives. Happily, yours isn't in danger.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
tryingtosettle · 21/04/2022 22:56

@BuanoKubiamVej

You seem to be a perfectly capable, resilient and well-informed mum who generally has no need of the HV's services.

From their point of view, if all they had is a string of phone calls cancelling appointments, they had no way of knowing the difference between your own confident and happy situation, and an almost identical (as far as their records show) situation of a woman who is being coercively controlled by an abusive partner who is making sure she us isolated from anyone who could help her.

Turning up at your door and seeing for themselves that you know what you want and don't need their help allows them to be reassured that you are genuinely ok.

The alternative scenario does happen. And sadly often sooner or later the woman, and sometimes her child too, end up dead. And when that happens the investigation lists all the touch points of service providers like health visitors who could have spotted that something was dodgy but didn't try to make contact.

She didn't barge into your home, she left you alone when you asked her to. There's no harm done. Please don't complain. Their current procedure will be saving lives. Happily, yours isn't in danger.

Brilliantly put.
Clairejay34 · 21/04/2022 22:56

They have to check that all is OK for the child's sake. Some people who are neglecting/abusing their child could decline visits from HV and other health care professionals as a way to cover this up. I am not for a minute suggesting this is the case here but could be the reason they try and ensure they visit all children.

toomuchlaundry · 21/04/2022 22:58

It was a safeguarding visit

Batmannequin · 21/04/2022 23:01

I would say it's due diligence. There's been many occasions when mothers and children have been let down by the authorities and you have people up in arms because more wasn't done to protect them. I'm sure the HV was more concerned about making sure everything is okay than she was about offending you in that moment.

gamerchick · 21/04/2022 23:01

toomuchlaundry · 21/04/2022 22:58

It was a safeguarding visit

Yep. Being rude will get you nowhere OP. Too many kids slip through the cracks.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/04/2022 23:02

Don't you think that someone should be checking to make sure babies are thriving and safe?
Maybe consistently cancelling can look like deliberately avoiding them for a reason. It is intrusive, but personally I'm happy that babies and their mothers have follow ups.
There are lots of reasons why someone might be avoiding seeing an HV, and some of them are due to being unable to acknowledge the need for help, whether that is for the baby or the mother's mental health.
For lots of families especially those who are well supported by their own family/ community, an HV might not be necessary, but I think they have an important role to play in safeguarding. Better you have to suffer the intrusion rather than a neglected or abused child slipping under the radar.
And there's also the fact that the HB can signpost you to all sorts of things that you didn't already know about, such as local groups and facilities- these can be useful even if you are a confident and competent parent.

timeforteanow · 21/04/2022 23:10

They were doing their due diligence. I'm glad you are capable and see no need for a HV, but THEY don't know that-yet.
What if they treated everyone the same way and just didn't bother visiting anyone, and a tragedy occurred.

alorslanon · 21/04/2022 23:11

tryingtosettle · 21/04/2022 22:56

@BuanoKubiamVej

You seem to be a perfectly capable, resilient and well-informed mum who generally has no need of the HV's services.

From their point of view, if all they had is a string of phone calls cancelling appointments, they had no way of knowing the difference between your own confident and happy situation, and an almost identical (as far as their records show) situation of a woman who is being coercively controlled by an abusive partner who is making sure she us isolated from anyone who could help her.

Turning up at your door and seeing for themselves that you know what you want and don't need their help allows them to be reassured that you are genuinely ok.

The alternative scenario does happen. And sadly often sooner or later the woman, and sometimes her child too, end up dead. And when that happens the investigation lists all the touch points of service providers like health visitors who could have spotted that something was dodgy but didn't try to make contact.

She didn't barge into your home, she left you alone when you asked her to. There's no harm done. Please don't complain. Their current procedure will be saving lives. Happily, yours isn't in danger.

Brilliantly put.

Put so well I’m posting it again.

I live in a country where parents are legally mandated to bring their baby for nine check ups between birth and 7 years of age. I was initially shocked and found it quite intrusive. But it’s not FOR me and my baby: it’s for the babies whose lives are saved by those visits, because the doctor spots a bruise or a misshapen bone; and the mothers who are coerced into missing those visits, and are then contacted by the authorities (the police, in lots of cases). If I can free up resources for those people, by taking my child to the doctor in a timely fashion, I will. So don’t get angry, OP. Your baby is safe, thank goodness, but there are others who aren’t, and it’s impossible to tell the difference until they see you.

Parentcarerandcrazy · 21/04/2022 23:12

Whilst I appreciate you've clearly done your research on child development, IMO that's no replacement for a good HV. I was lucky enough to have a brilliant HV, who was helpful with all sorts of issues I had with my three. I think HVs get a bad rap due to horror stories about some of the worse ones but if you've not tried to build up a relationship with yours, you'll never know how much they may be able to help you, even if you don't know you need the help. They will be able to spot things about your child that you may not see (not seeing the wood for the tree type of situation). Or even if you just want a chat about something like speech or toileting. Honestly, don't shut them out without trying to engage with them.

Aspiringmatriarch · 21/04/2022 23:13

It's fine if you don't feel the need for a visit but Health Visitors are there for the child. What if she'd picked up on something you hadn't noticed? She also had no way of knowing you weren't struggling and wanting to drop off the radar rather than get help. She was doing her job. I'm not sure why you felt the need to be rude.

BingoLittlest · 21/04/2022 23:14

When DS was a baby and I was a nervous new mum, I once took him to A&E because I thought he had a dent in his head and was worried he'd been injured. While I was there waiting, the dent disappeared and I realised that all it was was that he'd been sleeping with his head resting on the bar of his cot, which had made a very slight and entirely temporary indent. So I told the staff I was leaving and went home.

Next day, I had an unscheduled HV visit and like you I was a bit bothered by it (I hadn't connected it to the A&E trip)- why was someone asking turning up at my door and asking what felt like intrusive questions? So I asked her straight out and she was very honest. Apparently mothers presenting at A&E with an injured child and then leaving before the child is seen is a classic pattern in abusive households (usually because the father has persuaded the woman not to report the injury or else threatened to do something worse) ands so when it happens, it's flagged for a visit. Of course there are also many other reasons why someone might leave A&E, so that's all it is- just a visit to give the HV a chance to see whether anything is amiss and maybe to give the mother a chance to talk to someone if there is a problem. I felt like a complete dick to have been affronted about it.

I imagine that cancelling all appointments is another pattern that they look for. It doesn't mean that they think there's a problem, only that it's worth checking that there isn't. It's a good thing, for all that it might be mildly irritating in the short term. Absolutely nothing to complain about.

Sandra2010 · 21/04/2022 23:14

Doing her job. As soon as she's seen that you and baby are ok, she'll be on her way, just be nice. Cancelling appointments and refusing to interact can all be red flags, and HVs need to double check.

LilacPoppy · 21/04/2022 23:15

That’s incredibly rude, and the default should not be that every mother is a risk to their child. HV are an optional service.

twoandcooplease · 21/04/2022 23:18

You were really quite rude couldn't you have been more polite? Wow!

DivaRainbow · 21/04/2022 23:18

Sounds like a safe guarding visit, Honestly Op as I work in healthcare don't be surprised by another visit as she will have to document you have declined and refused to let her do her checks.

Manchester1990 · 21/04/2022 23:19

how rude are you. If you can’t see things from their position then you clearly lack self awareness in abundance.

it’s called safeguarding.

LilacPoppy · 21/04/2022 23:21

It’s not safeguarding, declining an optional service is not a safeguarding risk. They would have to already be concerns for that to be the case.

HijHij · 21/04/2022 23:22

I said "Well there's lots of people it would be nice to meet, but you can't just turn up at people's doors uninvited". It was this point she obviously could tell I was annoyed at her intrusion and decides to scuttle off again.

I bet that's what you'd wished you said 😊

LowbrowVictoriana · 21/04/2022 23:28

I have 5 DC, so have met a few HVs in my time. Some were great; others less so. And with later babies I didn't really feel I needed the help.
However, I realise that they are there for my child as well as me, and have a responsibility to check that a child is OK, and has good living conditions.

I think it's good thing that they do this.

BingoLittlest · 21/04/2022 23:29

@LilacPoppy You're right that it’s optional- that’s why they go away if you ask them to.

KilmordenCastle · 21/04/2022 23:29

Sorry but how can you not see that repeatedly cancelling health visitor appointments is like waving a massive red flag? As others have said, refusing to let a health visitor into your home is exactly the sort of thing that men who are abusing their partners or parents who are abusing their children would do to hide the abuse. The health visitor was worried about you and your child and wanted to make sure all was well. She was just doing her job.

Yes it would be lovely if we were all just automatically accepted to be good parents by those who have a duty of care to our children but, in the real world, some people hurt their children. Better for all of us parents to have to prove that we aren't abusing our dc's if it saves just one child's life.

RampantIvy · 21/04/2022 23:30

YABVU and you know it. Other posters have put it better than I could. While you know that you are a perfectly capable parent the HV doesn't. And if you keep cancelling visits they get suspicious. This is simply a safeguarding issue, and you should have had the sense to realise it.

By being rude (and appearing defensive and behaving like you have something to hide) this will raise some red flags and you will probably get some more follow up visits.