Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Health Visitor turned up after I declined appointment

699 replies

AliceBeazley · 21/04/2022 22:42

So, the Health Visitor. I understand it can be a valuable service to some, and it's good we have this available to us if we need it.

That said, I've never really felt the need myself. I had a visit from one once or twice after my first son was born, and she was very nice but it wasn't especially useful and just took up my time when I would rather have been doing something else.

Whenever I've been sent an appointment, I've gone through the checklist and never had any concerns. I've also got various books on child development in the early years and am proactive about checking whether milestones are being met. I've therefore cancelled all HV appointments that have been sent, and other than the office staff seeming a little puzzled, I've never had an issue doing this.

Roll on to baby number 2. I declined the checks from the start, other than arranging for the HV to come and weigh him when he was a few weeks old. When the 1 year check appointment came through I called the office and cancelled again. The woman said she would pass the message on to the HV.

The HV called and left a message to say she had my message and that's fine, but she could come and do another weigh if I wanted to, yada yada yada.

Feeling the matter was resolved, I forgot about it.

This morning the HV turned up at the door for the 9-12 month check. I explained it had been cancelled, and she sort of made noises as if that was a surprise. I said hang on, did you say your name was "Emma", wasn't it you who left a message for me to acknowledge I'd cancelled. She then said "Yes but as I said, it would be nice to meet you both". I said "Well there's lots of people it would be nice to meet, but you can't just turn up at people's doors uninvited". It was this point she obviously could tell I was annoyed at her intrusion and decides to scuttle off again.

I'm pretty annoyed by this to be honest. She knew I wasn't interested but she tried to disregard my wishes and try and come in anyway. I know a lot of people think HV appointments are mandatory and they don't do anything to point out the contrary. I feel like she just wanted to railroad me into letting her in whether I wanted to see her or not. This tactic probably works on some. I have to say I find it quite disturbing that someone acting on behalf of a government funded organisation can decide to turn up at your house and ask to see your children and intrude upon your privacy without any mandate or justification. As if the state knows better than me and I am unable to opt out.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like complaining about this as its a complete overstep. I've no idea who to complain to or if it would even do any good. I'd appreciate other's thoughts on it. TIA.

OP posts:
Classicblunder · 22/04/2022 05:24

Put it this way, if there were a news story about horrific child neglect and the child had never been seen by anyone since leaving the hospital because the mother had cancelled all HV appointments, would you think that the state had done enough to protect that child?

I had an unannounced HV visit after an A and E visit and while it was momentarily irritating as I was knackered after having been up all night and she woke me up, mostly all I felt was that this was the system trying to safeguard my child.

pompomseverywhere · 22/04/2022 05:28

You sound hard work OP

jealousgirl · 22/04/2022 05:31

Yes you are. Heath visitors are there to check your welfare and your child's. If something was wrong and they didn't check there could be devastating consequences. It's a five minute check to make sure your child is meeting their milestones and that you (and any other family members) are all ok. I'm not sure why you wouldn't want a qualified professional to make sure everything is ok. When people don't want their child to be seen by hv it's usually because they are hiding something, neglectful or ashamed that they are not coping.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
BuanoKubiamVej · 22/04/2022 05:39

I am sure that the cases of children in need/women in danger are found a lot more effectively by having this setup where it's officially "optional" but declining it rings alarm bells. If it was officially obligatory, then the abusive and controlling individuals who currently just try to evade the appointments would instead take steps to make sure the appointments happened in such a way that the true picture was more difficult to detect. A surprise friendly visit is a lot more difficult to avoid/prepare for.

SickAndTiredAgain · 22/04/2022 05:51

Who are these HVs that check on welfare and spot developmental/health concerns?? When I had DD (pre covid), we had a letter pre-birth, and one visit at 10 days and then I never heard from them again. I tried to call them about a couple of issues very clearly within their remit and they bent over backwards to avoid having anything to do with me, sent me straight to the GP who was then confused about why I was there and hadn't called the HV instead.

I'm due to give birth to DC2 in a few weeks, and I've not heard anything from them this time round. Not sure if they even get involved with second children?

Neverreturntoathread · 22/04/2022 05:59

Yanbu. I hate how health visitors bully mothers into accepting supervision that’s often unwanted and unnecessary. Safeguarding is important where a concern has been raised but the State has no place forcing its way into private family life where no concerns have been raised.

good for you OP!

montysma1 · 22/04/2022 06:01

Its called safe guarding.
And you want to report her?
What an unpleasant woman.

needmorethanthis · 22/04/2022 06:03

I think they are mostly pushy, arrogant and rude in my opinion but I’d rather they were there than not as they are frontline in picking up child abuse. I tolerated them until the morbidly obese HV decided to lecture me on healthy eating. Just let them in for a quick cup of tea and a quick check of the baby’s weight but make it clear you have other things to do and can’t sit there for an hour.

CarryonCovid · 22/04/2022 06:08

I work in safeguarding and know of 2 serious case reviews where health visiting was pivitol, in one case they saved the baby's life.

YABVVU

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 22/04/2022 06:11

LilacPoppy · 21/04/2022 23:15

That’s incredibly rude, and the default should not be that every mother is a risk to their child. HV are an optional service.

Not how safeguarding works thank goodness. The default is to assume this could happen. At least it is in our college. Assuming it doesn’t would be the worst.

Veol · 22/04/2022 06:11

Health visitors are there to help babies and mothers. She was just doing her job. You were very rude to her and you sound quite pleased with yourself about it.

carefullycourageous · 22/04/2022 06:12

Better for all of us parents to have to prove that we aren't abusing our dc's if it saves just one child's life. Er, no, this is totalitarianism.

I prefer living in a liberal democracy, thanks.

Soontobe60 · 22/04/2022 06:16

Yes, you’re being very very unreasonable. By cancelling appointments and sending the HV away so curtly, you’re raising all kinds of red flags. The HV isn’t there just for you. They’re a link in the safeguarding chain.
stop being so difficult and make an appointment!

Soontobe60 · 22/04/2022 06:17

You sound judgy!

stuntbubbles · 22/04/2022 06:19

Soontobe60 · 22/04/2022 06:16

Yes, you’re being very very unreasonable. By cancelling appointments and sending the HV away so curtly, you’re raising all kinds of red flags. The HV isn’t there just for you. They’re a link in the safeguarding chain.
stop being so difficult and make an appointment!

Is it an optional service, or not? If it’s optional, OP can opt out. So not a terrific link in the chain.

my HV for my first baby was so useless she contributed to my PND; I’ll be opting out for my second baby.

Soontobe60 · 22/04/2022 06:20

God help your kids!

anon2334 · 22/04/2022 06:29

My mum told one to eff off years ago when she had My my brother. Rude. When I had my first I said oh thr nights are so hard, don't know how young mums do it as I was 35 and she said 'they don't, they do a terrible job and look at how their kids turn out lol. I was like wow judgemental for me they were OK but not much help at all. Just a useless paper filling exercise. GP do a better job if you need help with anything.

SScoobiedoo · 22/04/2022 06:38

Well, rather than risk being given a small red flag on your notes, or worse some sort of mention to Social Services to be kept an eye on - just let them visit.

There's is so much wailing and gnashing of teeth, criticism from the public when babies are tortured, murdered but the poor public services are being stopped from doing their job. Couldn't make it up really.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 22/04/2022 06:44

Well, despite how very pleased with yourself you sound at having somehow defeated the system, if you can’t work out why a health visitor might turn up at the house of someone who repeatedly refuses to have anyone visit them when they have a new baby, I don’t think that’s as bright as you might like to think.

LetHimHaveIt · 22/04/2022 06:46

I knew I could merrily tick my way through my post-natal questionnaire and mask the fact that depression had dropped on me like a boomslang.
She saw straight through me, and probably saved my life. I shall never forget her.

user1497787065 · 22/04/2022 06:46

We have all commented of late at the horrendous abuse and death of young children with cries of 'Where were the authorities?'

As far as the HV was aware your child could be suffering abuse, starvation or even be dead and you feel that it's ok to be rude to her for just doing her job.

You may know that your child is loved and cared for but she doesn't until she sees her.

Sorry your time is so valuable and you are unable to see this.

RedWingBoots · 22/04/2022 06:48

SickAndTiredAgain · 22/04/2022 05:51

Who are these HVs that check on welfare and spot developmental/health concerns?? When I had DD (pre covid), we had a letter pre-birth, and one visit at 10 days and then I never heard from them again. I tried to call them about a couple of issues very clearly within their remit and they bent over backwards to avoid having anything to do with me, sent me straight to the GP who was then confused about why I was there and hadn't called the HV instead.

I'm due to give birth to DC2 in a few weeks, and I've not heard anything from them this time round. Not sure if they even get involved with second children?

It is area dependent.

So I had one check at 10 days and never saw my HV in person again. To be fair she checked what support I had and as that included my neighbour, she had no reason to come back.

The checks we have had have been done over the phone. DD was referred to the ophthalmologist via the HV.

I actually know a HV who works in a different area with more deprivation and how the team is set up, it deals with loads of safeguarding.

pinkunicorns54 · 22/04/2022 06:48

During pregnancy you have midwife appointments to check on the health of your baby, from 4/5 they are in compulsory school where they have professionals having eyes on.
From baby - 5 it's 'optional' but someone needs to be accountable for knowing that babies are safe. In my opinion YABU.

pompomseverywhere · 22/04/2022 06:55

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

Well, despite how very pleased with yourself you sound at having somehow defeated the system, if you can’t work out why a health visitor might turn up at the house of someone who repeatedly refuses to have anyone visit them when they have a new baby, I don’t think that’s as bright as you might like to think.
Hahaha brilliant comment. Hit the nail on the head here!
Tinkerbell1980 · 22/04/2022 06:55

As others have said, it's safeguarding. The next time your baby would be in a setting where they need to be seen by any authority is when they start school, so many terrible things happen to children in those years between. When they do, the outcry about where SS or HV were to protect them, and why they didn't visit/check/intervene is huge. It's not personal.