Health Visitor turned up after I declined appointment

[AliceBeazley]

So, the Health Visitor. I understand it can be a valuable service to some, and it's good we have this available to us if we need it.

That said, I've never really felt the need myself. I had a visit from one once or twice after my first son was born, and she was very nice but it wasn't especially useful and just took up my time when I would rather have been doing something else.

Whenever I've been sent an appointment, I've gone through the checklist and never had any concerns. I've also got various books on child development in the early years and am proactive about checking whether milestones are being met. I've therefore cancelled all HV appointments that have been sent, and other than the office staff seeming a little puzzled, I've never had an issue doing this.

Roll on to baby number 2. I declined the checks from the start, other than arranging for the HV to come and weigh him when he was a few weeks old. When the 1 year check appointment came through I called the office and cancelled again. The woman said she would pass the message on to the HV.

The HV called and left a message to say she had my message and that's fine, but she could come and do another weigh if I wanted to, yada yada yada.

Feeling the matter was resolved, I forgot about it.

This morning the HV turned up at the door for the 9-12 month check. I explained it had been cancelled, and she sort of made noises as if that was a surprise. I said hang on, did you say your name was "Emma", wasn't it you who left a message for me to acknowledge I'd cancelled. She then said "Yes but as I said, it would be nice to meet you both". I said "Well there's lots of people it would be nice to meet, but you can't just turn up at people's doors uninvited". It was this point she obviously could tell I was annoyed at her intrusion and decides to scuttle off again.

I'm pretty annoyed by this to be honest. She knew I wasn't interested but she tried to disregard my wishes and try and come in anyway. I know a lot of people think HV appointments are mandatory and they don't do anything to point out the contrary. I feel like she just wanted to railroad me into letting her in whether I wanted to see her or not. This tactic probably works on some. I have to say I find it quite disturbing that someone acting on behalf of a government funded organisation can decide to turn up at your house and ask to see your children and intrude upon your privacy without any mandate or justification. As if the state knows better than me and I am unable to opt out.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like complaining about this as its a complete overstep. I've no idea who to complain to or if it would even do any good. I'd appreciate other's thoughts on it. TIA.

Where did you get the idea that people can't turn up at other people's houses uninvited? Obviously anyone can. You don't have to let them in, and in this case the HV accepted that. I don't understand what you think you might have to complain about.

OP hasn't removed herself from the service though, but just keeps cancelling appointments. What would the complaint be, ah yeah I haven't bothered to withdraw from the service and I'm outraged a HV knocked and respectfully left when I said no thanks.

Exactly. Situations do change over time regardless of whether you have one baby or several children...

I really don't get such shitty attitudes towards health visitors, would you treat midwifes or nurses in the same way? They are a valuable members of the mutli discipline team and sometimes can recognise things that might have been missed. I worked alongside them on placement and they are an excellent team I don't think people treat them with the respect they deserve. The fact you rang up to decline the appointment could potentially ring alarm bells. There's been so many cases with children being abused or pnd not being diagnosed. They are there to help.

One health visitor spotted DN had signs of cystitis fibriosis he was referred and diagnosed, another helped refer ds over for speech and language department as he had delayed speech.

With DS3 I hadn't heard anything so I turned up at clinic with him when be was about 4 weeks old. The midwife team hadn't rang it out? Anyway I had quite a bizarre conversation where I was told he couldn't have been born(!).

There was a shortage of HVs and DS3s development checks were done by a nursery nurse. I don't think DS4 had any. Ds3 passed his but wax diagnosed eith ASD age 4.

It's quite off that it's fine to not have a HV because of staff shortages as it's not compulsory to have visits. But if there I one available and you opt out then you are under suspicion of trying to hide.

This.

Ever taken a 5yo to hospital with a head injury.

Child #3 fell off her bike and banged her head. ( Then helmets were for more serious riding not early learners.)

30 mins later throwing up. Off to A+E, straight in. Questions for us, for her. Repeated when we saw other medics. Seemed strange at the time, after all she’d only fallen off her bike.

Later the penny dropped.

They had to ask questions, follow things up, see if the bike fall story was true.

And its the same for you.

I think your post is a bit strange to be honest. Why the anger and rant about government organisations etc-its obvious they’re doing their job of checking on babies. Would it really have been so bad to have an initial visit where you could talk to your HV and then say you don’t need regular visits but happy to have the odd weigh in. HV visits hardly take all day-to say it takes up so much of your busy time sounds a bit off.

@ZeroCaffeine

It is optional. But choosing to opt out makes you look dodgy so hopefully they’ll be following up with you

Why should they? Unless there are any previous or current, genuine concerns, a HV is an optional service

Someone shouldn't be flagged as a 'safeguarding concern' for declining a HV

HV are checking that other members of the household aren't abusers not the mother.

Anyway the fact she told the HV where to go means the HV knows she is unlikely to have PND.

If I were a health visitor I’d want to do a safeguarding check because this is rather unusual behaviour.

@CurryandSnuggle

If I were a health visitor I’d want to do a safeguarding check because this is rather unusual behaviour.

No it isn't! Otherwise it wouldn't be a voluntary service ffs

You might want to rethink that in light of the various, and some very recent, child neglect cases that make safeguaading an absolutely vital service for all babies and children.

Because nobody carries a brand declaring that they, by intent or neglect, abuse small children, safeguarding DOES assume that all parents could be abusive. OP was checked not only for the sake of her babay but to ensure that she was not being coerced!

Tbh im of the opinion HV are bloody useless for the most part. But ive just sat there, smiled and nodded when theyre telling me not to wean my prem 6 week old onto swordfish (🙄) and the next one telling me she knows better than my daughters surgical team and i shouldn't be giving her formula still at her age and i NEED to transition her to cows milk despite me repeating ive recently had a meeting with her surgeon and they agree with what im doing and then she just repeated everything i had said i was already doing with her. Oh and then suggested her severe tantrums were a result of my oldest having adhd and she was copying behaviours from him (he isnt violent or aggressive in the slightest) i allow them to do the appointments to keep my life easier, it doesnt take much out of my day and tbh, it gives me something to laugh about when theyve left about the ridiculous shit theyve spouted

As the HV heard your message, maybe your tone of voice was a red flag? You obviously disparage her work. I didn't like any of the HVs I had, but let them do their checks. My DD's HV spotted a problem with DGS and he got early intervention as a result of the tireless work on DD's behalf.

She’s a good person doing her job. Everyone knows health visitors who are brilliant and others who are less helpful. But she was doing her job to check on the child (not you) - would it have hurt you to let her in for a cup of tea? Don’t understand the need for rudeness, which as others have said, makes you sound defensive.

Sorry if I offend you but you sound a little odd.
Also, I think they would be correct in thinking the same due to your manner towards them.
I certainly don’t think that will be the last you hear from them and rightly so.

I declined with 3rd baby. Felt capable and knew who to ask if needed. They threatened social services! We had some words and I've never heard them or ss

Oh I went through this. Had a visit with my first here (first born here, second baby) and didn’t like it, totally different cultural norms and advice (stuff about breast feeding at set times, for how long and stuff that really wasn’t me). Generally very insistent woman about there being a right way. Co-sleeping was a route to death, despite world wide norms and my norms. It was a preaching session, no debate. Maybe I found it more intrusive and odd because I’d never heard of the concept I’ll admit.
So second time I said a polite ‘no thanks’. They did exactly what they did to the OP. I let her in with a student and then she starts student training with my baby. How to examine for bruises/ harm etc whilst holding my baby like a doll, very arrogant woman with it generally. I ended up asking them to leave.
Third time I was firmer when they rang, ‘write this in your book and on my notes’. Turned up, I said no to them and didn’t let them in.
Fourth time (same arrogant woman who Id been annoyed with just knocked and said it was compulsory. I was rude this time.
I can assure you no SS or impact did it have on my life. My children are unweighted I guess but are very clearly skinny end of average.

This is rather Orwellian - you are free to decline the visit, but declining the visit will be taken as evidence that you are guilty of child abuse.

I know this is in chat but yanbu. Optional should mean just that, not optional but if you decline we’ll hector you anyway.

Yes, sounds a bit ''Paranoid'' to me..a bit self important too.

Child abuse, mental or physical can happen in ANY home, wether there is one child or ten.
Health visitors do a sterling job generally, and someone closing a door in their faces, cancelling appointments could be hiding real problems.

Reading books on child development? Not comparable to what a HV does.
Those books also generally go out of fashion fast.

@RowanAlong

She’s a good person doing her job. Everyone knows health visitors who are brilliant and others who are less helpful. But she was doing her job to check on the child (not you) - would it have hurt you to let her in for a cup of tea? Don’t understand the need for rudeness, which as others have said, makes you sound defensive.

A cup of fucking tea?! I want a HV, especially a HV, out of my house as soon as possible. Not drinking tea

I've had good experiences with them but that's because the last one helped me get DS on the pathway to his autism diagnosis so she was good

Still though, tea!!

If it is a requirement that all babies are inspected bythe state - this needs to be passed into law.

Again... Baby P and many others. HVs, SWs etc cannot do right for doing wrong, according to some!

There is no legal duty in England to report, or act upon, suspected, for obvious reasons, not least the loud outcry when it was mooted, I expect it will be revisited at some point, we shall see how it works in Wales, where there IS mandated reporting. But safeguarding does rely on people not walking by!

commonslibrary.parliament.uk/research-briefings/sn06793/

You were unreasonable. No matter how many books on child development you have read, you are not medically trained and you are arrogant to assume that you now have the same knowledge as a health visitor!

At the 12 month check my health visitor picked up an issue with my baby’s eyes and she was referred to the ophthalmologist and has worn glasses and had regular checks ever since.

These checks are not for you - they are for your baby. You need to lose the attitude that you know best - throughout your child’s life there will be things you don’t know best about and professional input will be helpful to your child.

You were arrogant and rude. Poor woman was doing her job - and your behaviour is exactly how a neglectful or abusive parent would behave so I am sure they will be back. Just let her do the checks and hopefully they will all be fine.

They ahve huge power. It is best just to smile and accept the visits - there are not very many of those visits as they have limited resources. I remember our last - the twins were 4 and about to got to orivate school and she checked that and I thought that was fine. I tihnk I and their nanny was present and that was fine too. She was very nice. Even in well off homes like ours there can be children hurt or neglected so a check is a good idea.

(I just watched on Discovery + a new programme about the US Turpin family - no one checked and they were home schooled)