Health Visitor turned up after I declined appointment

[AliceBeazley]

So, the Health Visitor. I understand it can be a valuable service to some, and it's good we have this available to us if we need it.

That said, I've never really felt the need myself. I had a visit from one once or twice after my first son was born, and she was very nice but it wasn't especially useful and just took up my time when I would rather have been doing something else.

Whenever I've been sent an appointment, I've gone through the checklist and never had any concerns. I've also got various books on child development in the early years and am proactive about checking whether milestones are being met. I've therefore cancelled all HV appointments that have been sent, and other than the office staff seeming a little puzzled, I've never had an issue doing this.

Roll on to baby number 2. I declined the checks from the start, other than arranging for the HV to come and weigh him when he was a few weeks old. When the 1 year check appointment came through I called the office and cancelled again. The woman said she would pass the message on to the HV.

The HV called and left a message to say she had my message and that's fine, but she could come and do another weigh if I wanted to, yada yada yada.

Feeling the matter was resolved, I forgot about it.

This morning the HV turned up at the door for the 9-12 month check. I explained it had been cancelled, and she sort of made noises as if that was a surprise. I said hang on, did you say your name was "Emma", wasn't it you who left a message for me to acknowledge I'd cancelled. She then said "Yes but as I said, it would be nice to meet you both". I said "Well there's lots of people it would be nice to meet, but you can't just turn up at people's doors uninvited". It was this point she obviously could tell I was annoyed at her intrusion and decides to scuttle off again.

I'm pretty annoyed by this to be honest. She knew I wasn't interested but she tried to disregard my wishes and try and come in anyway. I know a lot of people think HV appointments are mandatory and they don't do anything to point out the contrary. I feel like she just wanted to railroad me into letting her in whether I wanted to see her or not. This tactic probably works on some. I have to say I find it quite disturbing that someone acting on behalf of a government funded organisation can decide to turn up at your house and ask to see your children and intrude upon your privacy without any mandate or justification. As if the state knows better than me and I am unable to opt out.

Am I being unreasonable? I feel like complaining about this as its a complete overstep. I've no idea who to complain to or if it would even do any good. I'd appreciate other's thoughts on it. TIA.

Midwife appointments and schooling are also optional.

I've declined HV appointments and would be astonished if they turned up at the door, from what I hear from friends they are totally overworked in this area.

I declined the service after they made quite a damaging set of mistakes with my first child (damaging to my mental health really, the outcome for him would probably have been the same). I've since had two other children who haven't been seen by a HV, although they do send out their questionnaires from time to time. I have access to a GP, my BIL is a paediatrician and all the children go to school/nursery where staff let me know if they have any concerns.

All that said, if a HV turned up at my door I wouldn't be angry or rude to them. They supposedly have some sort of duty of care to children and I presume the visit will have been a safeguarding thing. You just needed to say thanks but no thanks and that would be it. They have no right to be at your house but I wouldn't be offended by it, they are just doing their job.

After having a very prem baby I actually was the opposite and took up loads of health visiting resources. Lots of visits, phone calls etc.

Just see it as a HV carrying out her duties. No need to take offence. She's been to check all is above board in person.

but the State has no place forcing its way into private family life where no concerns have been raised.

But concerns will be raised if the mother consistently refused to engage with the HV. It's called safeguarding.

phew,
i am relieved there are so many posters saying what I would like to say
yabu op

I disagree with most posters and I actually work in safeguarding! This person has an older child and no concerns have been found about them. No justification at all for the health visitor turning up when the parent has expressly refused consent for this. I would complain if I were you OP and ask for the rationale for attending.
This type of misperception about intrusion and going against consent being allowed because of safeguarding is actually really damaging. Parents still have rights, the health visitor service is voluntary and should work in partnership unless there is a very good reason not to.

It's not all about you, OP.

You come across similarly to kind of man who blithely walks closely behind lone women at night and stubbornly continues to do so after general female discomfort with this behaviour is pointed out. 'But I'm not a risk'.

Nobody else can see inside your head. They cannot know whether or not you are / are at risk.

Yeah yeah, individual rights and freedoms, especially YOUR individual rights and freedoms trump everything and everyone else, others could do the same if they wanted, you're not responsible for other people's behaviour and what is 'society' anyway?

Pure self-involvement.

True but if you don't turn up for midwife appointments you are flagged as being high risk.

With schooling the government keeps having plans to do similar e.g. register of children who are home schooled but they ignore some of the reasons why parents home school.

I had an awful HV who undermined my confidence , gave terrible advice and was just generally a negative part of the first weeks.

but I’d still rather they came and cast an eye over things if it made a difference in another child’s life.

I just wish mine was a lot better.

Definitely this.

It is a voluntary service available to people who want or need support, guidance and monitoring. It is not a legal requirement. You do not have to use the service. You can formally withdraw from it.

you can't just turn up at peoples doors uninvited'

She can and she did. anyone can turn up at anyone's door. Whether we let them in is another matter.

Quite rightly the HV system is designed to protect the children of parents who, for whatever reason, cannot cope well with raising their child. Checking you were not one of those parents is part and parcel of the job.

I'm with the OP. She declined what is supposed to be an optional service and it was rude of the HV to turn up anyway.
HV and SS would do better to focus on their numerous failures with children they already know are in abusive households.
I don't think it's reasonable to expect everyone to put up with what are often intrusive and clunky visits where the hv is starting on the assumption that every parent is a potential threat. A lot of hv do a lot of harm to stressed, hormonal mothers by treating them as if they are potential abusers.
If the state is going to behave as if these checks are mandatory they need to 1)stop lying and misrepresenting the hv as optional and 2)do some serious work on hv training

She's a good HV. Someone who goes out of their way to deny visits could be disguising something - child abuse or severe PND. It's her job to check you;re both OK and she did.

I can completely understand why the HV had concerns and turned up.
Those concerns may not be relevant in your case but I would rather they check even if I’m ok. It protects others, both children and mothers, so I’m prepared to make that sacrifice.

I find it unbelievable that you can’t see this

Child safeguarding? So never come across a situation where things at home have dramatically changed between baby 1 &2? New partner, change to financial situation, the affect of covid/lockdown, strain of general life?

This is genuinely unacceptable - 'safeguarding' slurs should not be used to force people to engage unnecessarily with services that are expressly designated as 'voluntary'.

If it is a requirement that all babies are inspected bythe state - this needs to be passed into law.

Britain is a free country, a liberal democracy. The HV is an optional service. If you want to change the legal framework of our country, then start camapigning for a fringe political party.

She might not care of she was ‘very rude’ by turning up anyway. I wouldn’t.

My HV was absolutely useless and I opted out of her visits for my second dd but I absolutely understand why we have the visits and at the time, in the older days, we were all going and weighing our babies at drop in clinics and attending Sure Start groups.

It is their duty to check that all is well with both you and your baby.
I sometimes found it hard to have visits.
With my firstborn it was extremely tough.
After keeping up with his milestones for the first 12 months, he suddenly became vacant and unresponsive.
The smile of his baby days had faded and been replaced by a blank expression. He wouldn't even look me in the eye.
I would take him to toddler groups and see that the other children of his age had started waving to people and pointing to objects.
I couldn't get any of those responses from him.
I would spend hours looking at picture books with him and trying to engage him in various toys and activities, but he seemed lost in his own world.
I thought it was something I was doing wrong as it seemed to come so naturally to the other mums and their toddlers.

I knew deep down that something was very wrong, but went into complete denial.
I kept putting off visits from the HV, or I would arrange her visits to coincide with the time he had a sleep in the afternoon.
When he was sleeping, to her knowledge he could just wake up, say "Mummy" and begin playing with his toys. Ignorance was bliss.

He was 18 months before she assessed him properly.
Not only did she arrange the necessary support and assessments he needed, but she was also a huge support to me at a time when I was feeling so lost and alone. I was a young single parent at the time.
She would listen while I broke my heart and told her that I felt my little boy was drifting away from me and I didn't know how to bring him back.
She assured me that it wasn't anything I had done wrong.
I don't know how I would have coped without her support.

This was 20 years ago. Sadly my son never did learn to talk. Nor has he progressed from that time. He is a grown man with the mind of a 15 month old baby - the age his development froze at.

I look back now on those early days and I am so thankful that I eventually found the courage to let her in.
She retired soon after my son's diagnosis, but her kind words have stayed with me for throughout my life.

Are you honestly surprised that a mum who denies any HV visit isn't a concern?

If a child is seen by GP or attends nursery/ childcare setting they are less worried.

But they have to have due consideration to safeguarding.

The reason you seem to have such problems, from what you have written, is because you don't appear to have properly opted out of the service - you're cancelling or declining appointments as they pop up. So I can see why they've rightly followed up on you. YABU.

My hackles would also have gone up at the "but I want to meet you" bearding you on the doorstep approach though. I can see why it's warranted, I just hate it.

If you just phoned up to cancel the appointment you haven't opted out of the service, do so if you are so inclined. Whilst you are technically on the books though they do have a duty of care- she left without issue and didn't force her way in did she so what's your issue really?

I would complain to her higher ups. She has over-ridden your wishes. This is partly why I am so grateful my country don't have these 'HV's. They seem very worthless and nothing but intrusive and superfluous. If it's not compulsory, and it doesn't seem like it is, you have to right to say NO and to remove yourself from the programme. And they should respect your wishes and not bully you. She clearly thinks your requests for no further visits didn't apply to her. sigh.

Not really sure what you've achieved.

We all get angry when children "slip under the radar". Given how vulnerable women and babies are in some families I'd be quite pleased that they followed up repeat cancellations.

What makes you so busy that you’ve denied all appointments with the HV? They’re hardly that onerous. Your service actually sounds quite proactive. Mine has been cut to the bone so very few home visits at all. As others said your cancellation will have probably raised some flags. They are trying to check that your baby is safe and developing well.