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Original poster

Anyone honestly disappointed by how their DC have turned out?

429 replies

Twobigsapphires · 16/04/2022 17:08

Had this debate with my sister last night. Interested to hear views. Topic started due to me talking about my 29 year old DS and I openly admitted I’m worried that I may end up being disappointed in what he does or doesn’t make of his life. Does anyone else feel like this? Or openly admit they are disappointed in their DC, even for maybe small things? It’s started to occur to me that this maybe comes with the territory of parenting.
I know my grandparents were disappointed my mum had me out of wedlock and didn’t follow the same religion as they did and disappointed in my uncles choice or wife. Pretty sure my parents have some disappointments over me and my siblings.

OP posts:
LillyDeValley · 16/04/2022 19:59

My MIL is disappointed in how both her children turned out. Immigrated to this country and she worked every hour god sent to put them through private school. She was desperate for them all to be doctors.

My DH didn’t bother to do any work for a levels and didn’t get the grades. Got a 2:2 at uni. Has a good job now.

Middle one did get in but failed third year and dropped out. Now has an admin job and she’s still supporting him heavily.

Youngest again like my DH didn’t do any work for a levels. Didn’t get the grades. Works in an office again supporting them.

Crikeyalmighty · 16/04/2022 20:00

@Glittersparkle76. I’m so very sorry—
I have a son who is 24 this week and he’s got his faults but is intelligent, kind and passionate about politics . Thinking of you x

LillyDeValley · 16/04/2022 20:00

I think the issue for her is that she worked so hard and feels they didn’t appreciate it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
ldontWanna · 16/04/2022 20:01

My mum is and very vocal about it. Sorry.. she worries.Grin

It's been going on since I was about 7 or 8, you'd think she was used to it.

MissyCooperismyShero · 16/04/2022 20:03

God, so many things to be disappointed about! Drink driving, addictions of any kind, rudeness to teachers, inability to hold down a job, watching pornography, shoplifting, smoking, etc etc etc. Not saying my DC have done this stuff, but don't believe those of you who claim you would only be disappointed by career criminals!

ColonelPine · 16/04/2022 20:05

@Glittersparkle76 I’m so sorry to hear this. What a huge loss, and you must miss your son enormously. You are absolutely right, we should always treasure our children, whoever they are, because we don’t know how long they will be with us. Wishing you much strength xx

LoisLane66 · 16/04/2022 20:05

I can't agree with the comments that 'If they're happy I'm happy'. It's not up to someone else to make me happy, DC, DP or anyone else. That puts a burden on them.
When you're children are adults it's up to them to solve problems and if parents constantly intervene, they will never make the effort themselves.
It's natural to want to dig them out of every hole or shore up their finances or suggest ideas about jobs or training etc but if the AC don't ask for help and you pre-empt their thought processes with your own ideas, at what age will you step back and let them figure it out in their own way?
He's had an education and presumably some experience in the world of work in the last 12 years at least. Leave him to get on with it. If he can't be bothered, why should you?

LoisLane66 · 16/04/2022 20:06

*your not you're.

TheChild · 16/04/2022 20:06

This is such an interesting thread to read, I've oftened wondered/worried that my dad is disappointed in me. Didn't get a good job after uni, working what many people would see as a dead end job, had my first DD very young and had only known DH less than a year when I fell pregnant.

It gives me hope to hear most parents would never be disappointed in their children, however my dad can be quite judgemental so I'll always have that worry that he is disappointed in me.

ldontWanna · 16/04/2022 20:08

@MissyCooperismyShero

God, so many things to be disappointed about! Drink driving, addictions of any kind, rudeness to teachers, inability to hold down a job, watching pornography, shoplifting, smoking, etc etc etc. Not saying my DC have done this stuff, but don't believe those of you who claim you would only be disappointed by career criminals!
I mean if you're set in sweating the small stuff, sure there's a lot to be disappointed in. Enjoy being that mum.
Blossomtoes · 16/04/2022 20:10

I can't agree with the comments that 'If they're happy I'm happy'. It's not up to someone else to make me happy, DC, DP or anyone else. That puts a burden on them

It only puts a burden on them if you tell them. My son has no idea that I believe the old saying about a mother being as happy as her unhappiest child.

Notsureaboutusername · 16/04/2022 20:11

My partner is disappointed in his youngest son as he lives a life of crime. He has served time in prison & vowed he would never go back but he did. Son is mid to late 30’s now. My partner does not indulge him even when he was in prison he did not send anything in for him (money) he also did not visit him whilst he was inside. His other two sons own their own homes, have long term partners and children and hold down jobs and live crime free lives

Gynaesaur · 16/04/2022 20:12

[quote Porcupineintherough]@Gynaesaur that's not the point (plus there have been some pretty dodgy laws on our statute books too in recent years). Point is using the law as your moral compass kind of suggests you don't actually have one.[/quote]
I don't agree with that poster that everything wrong can be encapsulated in what is illegal. I just think it's a bit shitty to pick out someone's post and pretend that you don't understand that the poster is almost certainly referring to breaking UK law, rather than that of the Third Reich.

Posting that you'd only be disappointed in your child if they broke the law is not an indication that you don't have a moral compass of your own, in most cases it'll indicate a poorly thought through comment. And there are better ways to point that out than "So you'd be a Nazi if the law told you to, huh? God, what is the world coming to!"

lazarusb · 16/04/2022 20:14

I know that my parents have been disappointed in me in the past. But not half as much as I’ve been disappointed in them. I love my own children and support them in every way I can but do worry about decisions they make and relationship choices at times. They all know that I’m here for them in a way my parents have never been for me though.

TheOriginalEmu · 16/04/2022 20:18

@Acheyknees

Because my parents didn't support me going to university and because I left home at 18, I was always skint. I've supported my kids to go to University, helped with deposits for cars and flats etc. because I don't want them to struggle financially like I did. My eldest decided not to go to University and works a NMW job. I wonder if I've made life too comfortable for them. I don't see the drive I had at their age.
But are they happy? Surely that’s what matters.
tomatorich112 · 16/04/2022 20:18

in al honesty I'd be really sad if they didn't try hard and get well paying jobs.

I wouldn't be disappointed in them but for them, life is hard without money and the reality of not doing well would lead them to a much harder life than they have now.

I've read enough threads from people struggling to know that's true.

nexus63 · 16/04/2022 20:20

i would never be disappointed with my only child unless they turned to crime or hurt people. i did not agree with some of his choices regarding jobs and partners, but in the end it is his life, how many of us can say we did what our parents wanted.

TheOriginalEmu · 16/04/2022 20:22

I would be disappointed if my DC were cruel or mean people. I don’t care what they do with their lives as long as they are good people. I lived with hypercritical parents who made their many disappointments very clear (I got AAC at A level and that C may as well have been a stint in prison the way they reacted) and then were hugely disappointed when I chose a different field of study than what they wanted and a university they regarded as a sub-par polytechnic. So I just didn’t talk to them anymore. I never want that with my DC.

pompei8309 · 16/04/2022 20:22

DD A* student all the way top of everything she tried, and then some, attempted suicide on more that one occasion, I’d rather she was here stacking shelves than dead. So yes, contentment has its place. - So you’re telling you felt no disappointment in the fact that she’s not healthy and happy ??

HelloDulling · 16/04/2022 20:23

Sometimes a little disappointment might encourage some better decisions. My MIL and SIL are in the ‘as long as they’re happy’ camp. Kids can be abandoned by fathers, marriages left in tatters, debts left unpaid.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 16/04/2022 20:25

How can you be disappointed in someone else tho, I don’t get it
I mean your ds is him not you

What he wants for his life and what you what his life to be like are two separately things
Please understand that for your sake and his

MrsDanversBroom · 16/04/2022 20:26

Yes, my 26yo ds is a misogynist abuser, I’m ashamed of him
Dd self harms and I’m sad for her

NamelessNancy · 16/04/2022 20:27

A lot of people are saying they would only be disappointed if their DC were hurting others. Is that really true? What if they were hurting no-one but their choices were putting them in danger? I know if be very disappointed if my DC were in abusive relationships, wouldn't everyone? It's naive to think no relationship they chose could disappoint you.

Blossomtoes · 16/04/2022 20:27

@Notsureaboutusername

My partner is disappointed in his youngest son as he lives a life of crime. He has served time in prison & vowed he would never go back but he did. Son is mid to late 30’s now. My partner does not indulge him even when he was in prison he did not send anything in for him (money) he also did not visit him whilst he was inside. His other two sons own their own homes, have long term partners and children and hold down jobs and live crime free lives
I’d be pretty disappointed in a man who failed to support his son when he was at rock bottom.
fffffeeeedddduupp · 16/04/2022 20:28

No I would only be disappointed if they committed a crime and or caused someone serious hurt.

You can't expect your children to live their life to your expectations.

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