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Original poster

Anyone honestly disappointed by how their DC have turned out?

429 replies

Twobigsapphires · 16/04/2022 17:08

Had this debate with my sister last night. Interested to hear views. Topic started due to me talking about my 29 year old DS and I openly admitted I’m worried that I may end up being disappointed in what he does or doesn’t make of his life. Does anyone else feel like this? Or openly admit they are disappointed in their DC, even for maybe small things? It’s started to occur to me that this maybe comes with the territory of parenting.
I know my grandparents were disappointed my mum had me out of wedlock and didn’t follow the same religion as they did and disappointed in my uncles choice or wife. Pretty sure my parents have some disappointments over me and my siblings.

OP posts:
HardbackWriter · 16/04/2022 18:45

I think there's a huge difference between being disappointed by some of your child's choices or how some things have turned out for them, and being disappointed 'in them', which seems much more deep-seated and overarching. I think my parents wish some things were different for both me and my brother, and are disappointed compared to what the thought we could have done, but I don't think they're disappointed in us.

Stompythedinosaur · 16/04/2022 18:49

I can't imagine being disappointed in the dc. I don't have an imagine of who I expect them to be in the future that I could compare them against.

I suppose if they started being cruel to others or something, but I cannot imagine they will do that.

FishfingersAndCustard86 · 16/04/2022 18:50

I’ve been thinking about this too, even though the dc are still very young.

I worry that I’ll feel disappointed if they make the same early mistakes I did. Giving up on education for a love interest, not recognising an abusive relationship, taking drugs etc. And I worry how I’m going to hide that from them, because I wouldn’t want them to know that was how I (hypocritically) felt.

I don’t want to ever ruin our relationship and I never want them to feel bad about themselves because of them not ‘living up’ to expectations. But I also know there would be a gnawing pit of dread in my stomach if I saw their life starting to crumble. How do you prevent/deal with that?

So far I’ve daydreamed of getting the big whiteboard out a couple of times when they are older and doing some presentations on ‘red flags’. But apart from that I’m stumped.

(Don’t laugh at me too much, I did the same for ‘why we don’t bite people’ and it seemed to work, honest Grin)

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Families
SleepingStandingUp · 16/04/2022 18:51

Well I joking asked my Mom the other day "when they ordered the advanced books for me in primary school, is this how you imagined my life would turn out?" and she said no. So maybe not DISAPPOINTED in terms of me doing something bad, but disappointed in me just being a SAHM since my son was born with my career or job

duvetdayforeveryone · 16/04/2022 19:00

@saggyhairyass

I would only be disappointed in my DC if they broke the law.
So if they had hid Jews instead of handing them into the Germans, would you have been disappointed in them?
Frenziedandfurious · 16/04/2022 19:00

Nope not happening here. Both my DC are very different but kind, hard working and compassionate. I grew up under the weight of my parents disappointment, I have a highly professional role and am the other trappings of a "successful" life but as I'm not a doctor and didn't fit to medical school it's never ever been enough. Apparently that was the only thing that was acceptable. Oh and I didn't go to Oxford university either.

I will never contribute to my DC feeling like I do, and I still feel it every. Single. Day.

lljkk · 16/04/2022 19:01

My first thought was how often DC say they are disappointed in me... so should be allowed to go both ways.

Sometimes MNers have posted how "disappointed" they'd be if their DC did X -- cue me looking at one or more of my own DC who did X. I'm disappointed in plenty of DC's choices but usually not X.

I take no credit for DC's successes & try not to take blame for their bad choices.

Porcupineintherough · 16/04/2022 19:02

I would only be disappointed in my DC if they broke the law.

Seriously? So it would be ok if they were a shitty human being as long as it was legal?

Porcupineintherough · 16/04/2022 19:05

@duvetdayforeveryone or conversely if they'd joined in Krystallnacht because it had the blessing of the state that would be peachy? God help us all.

lameasahorse · 16/04/2022 19:08

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

IAMGE · 16/04/2022 19:09

If they were criminals or abused their partners eg a rapist i might be disappointed and cut contact but no not for their choices with job or career

Ohyesiam · 16/04/2022 19:09

I think if only be disappointed if I thought they were being deliberately unkind/ nasty/ violent to other people.
I mean I worry about their choices , but I respect who they are.

OperationMincemeat · 16/04/2022 19:13

Yes, I am currently disappointed by how one DC is wasting her life but I hope she can turn it around. The pandemic and then the war has drained many people of their motivation.

I think being disappointed in family and friends is very natural for most people.

MyCommentWasDeleted · 16/04/2022 19:14

My mother! Hugely disappointed in me and resents every living breath I take.

TheOGCCL · 16/04/2022 19:14

I think some people have kids to sort of rewind their lives, vicariously live a second life through their kids. There is so much hope pinned on a newborn. So much pressure to churn out the perfect kid. That's invariably going to lead to some level of disappointment as the kids are not carbon copies, it's their life and their choices and/or mistakes to make. I think I'd be disappointed in my kid if they were immoral or lazy but not anything else. Wistful maybe that they might have achieved more but not disappointed.

H1Drangea · 16/04/2022 19:15

@LoudParrot

My DS is taking GCSEs next month and I am a bit disappointed with how little revision he's doing, despite lots of gentle encouragement from me and DH. We can't force him to study but I kind of thought he'd be choosing to put a bit more effort in. It's his life though 🤷‍♀️
DS revised on the play station and scraped through his gcse and A levels However , he got a first class degree , a graduate entry job and has now a really good job , so don’t despair

I’m proud of both my DC , they’ve taken different paths , but all I want is for them to be happy , safe and secure and know that they can turn to us if they need to

LindyLou2020 · 16/04/2022 19:16

@duvetdayforeveryone, and @Porcupineintherough.......

I took @saggyhairyass's post as someone speaking in very general terms. Breaking the law covers a multitude of crimes.
You knew this, but have deliberately turned it into something goady, and unnecessary.

Gynaesaur · 16/04/2022 19:16

Quite a lot of the husbands and partners talked about on here should be disappointing to their parents. Whether they actually are is a different matter.

BiscuitLover3678 · 16/04/2022 19:16

I want my son to be happy and a good, kind person. I don’t care if he’s a biologist, artist, lawyer, labourer whatever. I would worry about his mental health and that he can support himself, but that’s it jobwise. I might worry if he had a difficult partner. None of those things would disappoint me though! Having any strong expectations on a child is a bit of a route to disaster tbh. Especially as jobs and expectations change.

The only thing is him being a happy and good person. If he turns out cruel and unkind then I would be very sad.

BiscuitLover3678 · 16/04/2022 19:19

Like if we spent all our money and sacrificed getting him into private school and he was a lovely, sweet natured chap who decided to be a postman I would be very happy. If he decided to be a lawyer but turned into an utter arsehole and treated people badly, then I would obviously be devastated.

Your job as a parent is to give them everything and let them blossom however works for them.

CalmBeforeStorm01 · 16/04/2022 19:19

When my kids were growing up I over-compensated for the fact their dad left and all their grandparents died young meaning I was their only close relative. Now, DD in particular, is entitled, rude and thinks the world owes her a living. For that I'm disappointed in myself.

HairyMuttttt · 16/04/2022 19:19

I’m very accepting and supportive of my children, just wanting them to live a life which they find fulfilling and joyful. We invest in their individual interests, however we don’t value the kids by their outcomes.

Gynaesaur · 16/04/2022 19:19

[quote Porcupineintherough]@duvetdayforeveryone or conversely if they'd joined in Krystallnacht because it had the blessing of the state that would be peachy? God help us all.[/quote]
Yes- that poster couldn't possibly have been referring to the law in the 21st century UK (or elsewhere, depending on where they live) rather than in Nazi Germany, could they. They're obviously a fascist in waiting.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 16/04/2022 19:20

I can’t imagine feeling disappointed. I’ll be sad if they aren’t happy and don’t find a loving relationship but not disappointed in them.

GreenLunchBox · 16/04/2022 19:20

@pompei8309

Majority saying you’ll only be disappointed if they turn to a life of crime and violence?? you’re all full of it. You’re telling me that if you have a bright child that instead of going to uni chooses to stack shelves in Asda you won’t be disappointed?? ( and this is the most basic example) please don’t give me” if they’re happy” sob story . Every parent will feel disappointment throughout their life regarding their kids, it may be long or short term but impossible to avoid . Perfect kids don’t not exist nor the perfect parents
This