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Original poster

Anyone honestly disappointed by how their DC have turned out?

429 replies

Twobigsapphires · 16/04/2022 17:08

Had this debate with my sister last night. Interested to hear views. Topic started due to me talking about my 29 year old DS and I openly admitted I’m worried that I may end up being disappointed in what he does or doesn’t make of his life. Does anyone else feel like this? Or openly admit they are disappointed in their DC, even for maybe small things? It’s started to occur to me that this maybe comes with the territory of parenting.
I know my grandparents were disappointed my mum had me out of wedlock and didn’t follow the same religion as they did and disappointed in my uncles choice or wife. Pretty sure my parents have some disappointments over me and my siblings.

OP posts:
Nnique · 16/04/2022 20:29

@pompei8309 not going to speak on behalf of the poster you quoted and addressed that to...but surely you’re not so obtuse that you’re unable to work out that a parent can be sad/worried/heartbroken/disappointed on behalf of their child, particularly where said child has been dealt a set of really shitty cards, without being disappointed in them. The two are quite vastly different things.

Lampzade · 16/04/2022 20:30

@pompei8309

Majority saying you’ll only be disappointed if they turn to a life of crime and violence?? you’re all full of it. You’re telling me that if you have a bright child that instead of going to uni chooses to stack shelves in Asda you won’t be disappointed?? ( and this is the most basic example) please don’t give me” if they’re happy” sob story . Every parent will feel disappointment throughout their life regarding their kids, it may be long or short term but impossible to avoid . Perfect kids don’t not exist nor the perfect parents
Totally agree I would be disappointed if my very academic dd’s did not attend university. I would respect their decision and support them, but I would definitely be a little disappointed
grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 16/04/2022 20:31

I don't think my parents are disappointed in me, though life I chose(living abroad, married to the foreigner) wasn't what they had expected.

My dc is turning into someone I never expected. But i don't think I would be disappointed as long as they are happy.

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BurglerBill · 16/04/2022 20:31

I'd be pretty mortified if either of my dds voted Tory...

Ridingoverthewaves · 16/04/2022 20:31

@Glittersparkle76

Dont be disappointed in your adult children,I recently lost my 22year old son to Bowel Cancer and I would give anything to have him back.Cherish them,no matter what choices they make and how they decide they want to live their lives,as long as they're happy,healthy and not hurting others with their life choices just be proud of them and thankful they are here.
Flowers

This is why I can honestly say no I wouldn’t be disappointed in a teen pregnancy, a shelf stacking DC.

There’s so, so much worse.

Gynaesaur · 16/04/2022 20:32

@NamelessNancy

A lot of people are saying they would only be disappointed if their DC were hurting others. Is that really true? What if they were hurting no-one but their choices were putting them in danger? I know if be very disappointed if my DC were in abusive relationships, wouldn't everyone? It's naive to think no relationship they chose could disappoint you.
You might be disappointed - though that doesn't really seem the right word- but you wouldn't be disappointed IN them if they were in an abusive relationship. To be honest, even if your child had made several poor decisions in the run up, by the time they're being hurt by another person, you'd be more upset/worried/angry (at abuser) than disappointed.
Afonavon · 16/04/2022 20:33

I feel that my parents are disappointed that I didn’t go to university.

I am not disappointed in my children, just sad for them that life hasn’t turned out as I had hoped for them. Maybe disappointed with the universe that it has thrown up barriers to my family’s happiness and satisfaction in life. Life can be good at times just as it can be shit, so there’s no real purpose in dwelling on it. Just get on with making the present and future as good as it can be.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/04/2022 20:33

@MurmuratingStarling

Not at all, I am fiercely proud of my DC! And what a horrible thing to say or think! Hmm That you are disappointed in them. Bloody hell! Hmm
@MurmuratingStarling

How little imagination you must have Grin

ToryWantsBorisOut · 16/04/2022 20:35

@BurglerBill

I'd be pretty mortified if either of my dds voted Tory...
Bigot: "person who is obstinately or unreasonably attached to a belief, opinion, or faction, especially one who is prejudiced against or antagonistic towards a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular group"
LadyMacduff · 16/04/2022 20:36

I think there is disappointment in them, as in they have done things and made choices about which you disapprove, and being disappointed for them, including on a selfish level about things not turning out as you hoped.

I'll be totally honest: mine are only little but I will be disappointed if one/both of them move away and I rarely see them, and play no part in their lives beyond obligatory holidays. I'll be disappointed if they don't speak to eachother, or rely on me to be the catalyst for any relationship between them. I'll be disappointed for them if they end up in a bad romantic relationship, especially one that results in children so that they're tied to the fuckers that hurt them.

NamelessNancy · 16/04/2022 20:37

Oh undoubtedly worry would be the main emotion but I'd be disappointed in their choices, if not in them. I just think that the PPS saying they would never judge their DC's choice of partner haven't thought it through.

I think there are probably many other potential scenarios where my DC are not any danger to others but are at risk themselves due to their own actions which would cause me disappointment (alongside other feelings).

NamelessNancy · 16/04/2022 20:38

Above to @Gynaesaur I tried to quote but messed it up!

Kanaloa · 16/04/2022 20:40

I would be disappointed in my kids in certain circumstances. I often think how it must be to be the mother of some of the DHs I read about on here - a man who is lazy and disrespectful to his wife, or even abusive. Or if (God forbid) one of them ever committed a violent crime or hurt someone on purpose. That would break my heart.

But not in things like their career choice. I’d be happy to see my children work in jobs that make them happy, whether they make peanuts or millions. If they’re miserable in their lives I’d feel sad but not disappointed. I’m proud of them for just doing their best and making themselves happy.

Kanaloa · 16/04/2022 20:41

And obviously in terms of partner I just want my kids to be with someone they love who loves them. I would be shocked and upset if they chose someone who, for example, was racist or nasty in some way, because I just feel it’s so far from the values of our family. But other than that it’s not for me to be disappointed.

Hyenaormeercat · 16/04/2022 20:41

Those saying they wouldn't be disappointed ..what if they do turn out to be cheats, liars, get into trouble with police and so on..even if they had privilege and opportunity.

Our prisons are full..they are all someone sons and daughters. They were once children with parents who ( mostly) wanted their children to be happy and settled.
The relationship board on here shows a lot of people are not happy, well adjusted individuals.

Many will not have had poor parenting examples.

It would be perfectly natural to be disappointed in your child, not all will escape from poor MH, difficulties around neuro diversity or in some cases being arseholes.

ssd · 16/04/2022 20:42

I can't imagine ever being disappointed in my kids. I adore them.

Thestagshead · 16/04/2022 20:43

No not at all. I think more people are disappointed in their parents to be honest, and then next up is mutual disappointment in each other.

hellcatspangle · 16/04/2022 20:44

@MurmuratingStarling

Not at all, I am fiercely proud of my DC! And what a horrible thing to say or think! Hmm That you are disappointed in them. Bloody hell! Hmm
Presumably your dc haven't done anything to make them a disappointment? Like mugged an old lady, beaten up their partner, dealt drugs to children? There are plenty of reasons why people might be disappointed in their offspring, lucky you that yours are wonderful!
sweetbellyhigh · 16/04/2022 20:44

@PenguinIce

I am disappointed my dc has cancelled their place at Uni and got a job instead. I didn’t want their life to be as tough as mine has been. I wonder if I made a mistake hiding from them how tough life was when they were younger as maybe if they realised how hard it was they might have made different choices.
Why though?

They can go to uni later if they so desire.

Nnique · 16/04/2022 20:46

@Glittersparkle76 Flowers I’m very sorry for the loss of your son.

whatdodos · 16/04/2022 20:46

As long as they were a genrally nice and honest person I could never be disappointed in my child ever. I just want him to be happy and safe. I'd maybe worry if he wasn't financially secure or mixed with the wrong people but disappointed, no.

veevee04 · 16/04/2022 20:51

I had such a shit childhood, I will be happy if one my DD never in an inpatient in a MH unit 2. She is happy and is supported in life I just want her to be happy . I was kicked out at 18 never given a penny only managed to go to uni in my mid 20s.

BinBandit · 16/04/2022 20:52

I'm more disappointed in myself that I wasn't a better parent.

Don't get me wrong, on the face of it they are doing well. I'm proud of them. Both in Uni and doing well, they are nice guys, trustworthy, honest, kind etc.

But they have no get up and go really, I've done too much for them, neither is working while at Uni and despite the fact that they are on course for academic success, I can see them not putting in effort to get a job. DS1 has no social skills and no desire to socialise, lacks confidence in himself. DS2 is a bit better and has a girlfriend. DS1 one doesn't have a job because A: he doesn't need one as he doesn't need money and B: he is so anxious that it is really hard for him to even try and probably a bit lazy. DS2 is similar in that he doesn't need the money, but he is less anxious and also presumably lazy.

I'm not disappointed in them, but I feel that I haven't set them up for success by doing to much and not allowing them to make mistakes or not getting them the support they needed. I think I will be disappointed about where they go in life but it wont be that I'm disappointed in them if that makes sense?

I think that because DH and I have both worked since we were 16/17 and come from poverty but have made a decent life for ourselves, we've overindulged and overprotected them and then wonder why they don't seem to have the drive to work that we did.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 16/04/2022 20:58

I have never been disappointed except in my daughter's choice of university - and that lasted for all of 24 hours! My sondropped out of school before going to university. He was happy but in a dead end job in a company that he loves when he was headhunted for a very different senior role. So even without a university education he is happy and doing really well. My biggest concern is that they are happy and they are so I am too.

BurglerBill · 16/04/2022 20:58

@ToryWantsBorisOut Nope Grin I think the key word there is 'unreasonably'. I don't have an unreasonable or irrational dislike of Tories - I could list numerous reasons, but that's really not the point of this thread... Bottom line - I want to raise daughters who are compassionate, and believe in a fair and equal society and voting Tory just isn't compatible with that, so yes, I would be very disappointed.