Anyone honestly disappointed by how their DC have turned out?

[Twobigsapphires]

Had this debate with my sister last night. Interested to hear views. Topic started due to me talking about my 29 year old DS and I openly admitted I’m worried that I may end up being disappointed in what he does or doesn’t make of his life. Does anyone else feel like this? Or openly admit they are disappointed in their DC, even for maybe small things? It’s started to occur to me that this maybe comes with the territory of parenting.
I know my grandparents were disappointed my mum had me out of wedlock and didn’t follow the same religion as they did and disappointed in my uncles choice or wife. Pretty sure my parents have some disappointments over me and my siblings.

Sometimes I am disappointed by their choices or idiotic behaviour, but I am not generally disappointed by them as they have both become lovely people.

@pompei8309

Majority saying you’ll only be disappointed if they turn to a life of crime and violence?? you’re all full of it. You’re telling me that if you have a bright child that instead of going to uni chooses to stack shelves in Asda you won’t be disappointed?? ( and this is the most basic example) please don’t give me” if they’re happy” sob story . Every parent will feel disappointment throughout their life regarding their kids, it may be long or short term but impossible to avoid . Perfect kids don’t not exist nor the perfect parents

I'm not full of it at all. I didn't go to uni so it would be incredibly hypocritical of me to be disappointed if my DC chose not to go. On MN everyone has ridiculously high expectations of their DC, in the real world not everyone goes to uni.

@MurmuratingStarling

Not at all, I am fiercely proud of my DC! And what a horrible thing to say or think! That you are disappointed in them. Bloody hell!

The privilege of the parent of children who are ok. But hey, carry on laying into less lucky people if it makes you feel better.

@pompei8309

Majority saying you’ll only be disappointed if they turn to a life of crime and violence?? you’re all full of it. You’re telling me that if you have a bright child that instead of going to uni chooses to stack shelves in Asda you won’t be disappointed?? ( and this is the most basic example) please don’t give me” if they’re happy” sob story . Every parent will feel disappointment throughout their life regarding their kids, it may be long or short term but impossible to avoid . Perfect kids don’t not exist nor the perfect parents

I can assure you that yes, I’d rather my child be content, not overwhelmed by stress, able to manage their health condition (lifelong), and able to balance as well as possible all their needs in every aspect of their life. Their peace of mind, achieved through building a less pressured life, is infinitely more important to me than anything else. They won’t ever ‘achieve’ in the same league as their sibling, but that’s perfectly fine!

Highly intelligent does not equate to some moral imperative to achieve academically, nor to reach a certain level of ‘success’ as measured externally.

My children weren’t ‘perfect’ children, and they aren’t perfect people, either. But they are lovely, good hearted people with integrity, albeit flawed as we all are, and they are each highly successful in ways that are right for them; that could never be a disappointment to me.

Of course I can’t be certain that one or more of them might not disappoint me in the future, but it hasn’t happened yet.

I don’t have any DC yet but a friend of mine was disappointed when her DS chose to leave school at 16 and get a job. I reassured her at least her son was working rather than sponging off her and my DH left school at 16 to become a mechanic. A few months later he decided it wasn’t for him and so he rethought his future. He has no Highers (A Levels) to his name even now but he has two university degrees in architectural technology and building surveying and a good job.

You’re telling me that if you have a bright child that instead of going to uni chooses to stack shelves in Asda you won’t be disappointed?? ( and this is the most basic example) please don’t give me” if they’re happy” sob story

DD A* student all the way top of everything she tried, and then some, attempted suicide on more that one occasion, I’d rather she was here stacking shelves than dead. So yes, contentment has its place.

Older DD friend similar intellectually, ended up in the local mental health hospital after self harming, was there months, she’s much improved since going to university away from her pushy parents.

Life isn’t back and white.

No.

My son is almost 20 and has taken a route that suits him to get into a very good position and earring a good wage in a career for like already. He’ll be retired by 60 if he sticks to it (as he wants to). I am proud of him.

His father (my ex h) isn’t proud. He didn’t go to uni like his fathers children so his dad has nothing to brag about. They are all oxbridge. Ex h is mortified ds isn’t. But that’s more about being a stick to beat me with and tarring me as a terrible mother.

My dad wasn’t proud of me. To be fair, he was right, I’ve done jack shit with my life, mainly braise I never had any guidance or support.

At my 2nd wedding (another huge disappointment that I couldn’t even stay married), I asked my dad to do a speech. He said, “but what would I say? Fathers speak about how their daughters have made them happy or proud, you haven’t ever some either”.

I’m now his sole companion/visitor/champion/advocate now that he’s in a home with dementia. To the detriment of my own life. sometimes I think why do I bother.

I have 3 children now, 2 younger. I will always be proud of them.

Dont be disappointed in your adult children,I recently lost my 22year old son to Bowel Cancer and I would give anything to have him back.Cherish them,no matter what choices they make and how they decide they want to live their lives,as long as they're happy,healthy and not hurting others with their life choices just be proud of them and thankful they are here.

@Gynaesaur that's not the point (plus there have been some pretty dodgy laws on our statute books too in recent years). Point is using the law as your moral compass kind of suggests you don't actually have one.

Unlike a lot of people I would genuinely not be disappointed if my son decided to stack shelves. It would all depend on his reason. If he was happy, if it was better for him and he actually enjoyed his life then god that would be amazing. I’ve grown up with incredibly intelligent people do all sorts of jobs and some absolutely miserable. I’m more scared of his mental health, seeing how many people have taken their own lives. :(

I know someone can be smart and still stack shelves. And still have a good life! And be nice to their mum

Being disappointed in ur children is like saying they should be living their life according to what u agree with.
I wouldn't be disappointed in my son if he didn't have a fantastic job or whatever but I would be worried about him having a life of struggles.
We all want our kids to be successful but not just to make us proud, I want my son to make something of himself so he has a good life.

What a lovely thread, i'm commenting to easily read this later, lots of food for thought about pressures we can unwittingly place on our dcs.

No, but I am honestly disappointed in myself.

I'm not sure what my biological farther would make of me, yes I know I could of achieved more than I have, and done better, but overall think I've turned out ok, yes I'm away with the fairies half the time, but I try to be polite and considerate with others, and I have my hobbies of intrigue. I think I do struggle with activities at times keeping me intrigued before I get bored and want to chase the next project, but overall yes I need to be better, but so far, I'm not to, bad.

My mum is disappointed in how I turned out. I went to university, never moved back to my hometown and chose not to have children.

She would have liked me to stay in her town, get married and have children, like the rest of the family. She wasn't bothered about university, and was absolutely shocked that I didn't have children.

I think she wanted me to be a mini her, a friend to go shopping with, gossip with, do kid friendly days out, go to the local pub together.

Instead I turned out the complete opposite to her, I was always a bookish tomboy and an introvert. We don't really have anything in common. I feel a bit sorry for her, but I am who I am.

My in-laws are disappointed by their son (my DH). My mil has told him several times throughout his adult life. They feel like he's not using his full potential and has wasted his intelligence. He's in hospitality so it might be that they don't approve of that as a "proper" career, I'm not sure. It's definitely eroded his confidence hearing that from his mother.

It’s difficult not to get dragged into competition when it comes to kids’ achievements but ultimately I just want my children to be decent people. I have so many acquaintances who focus on academic results and seem oblivious to the fact that their offspring are complete shits!

I'm not disappointed by any if my children but one if my sons isn't a very nice person & I don't enjoy spending time with him it makes me sad

I always tell my sons (who are still at school) that I'm the kind of parent who will think they are perfect no matter what they do. I joke with them that they'll be at home watching endless YouTube videos and sponging off me and I'll still think that they are the best people in the world and that they just haven't fulfilled their potential yet. Basically I want them to be absolutely secure in my unconditional love! (As my husband's mum was rather conditional about her love and it's damaged him for life). In all honesty though, I can't imagine ever been disappointed with them, as long as they remain the kind, caring people they are now, I don't give a shit what they do for a job.

There are parents, who despite trying their best and making sacrifices that parents often do, are disappointed or even heartbroken by their adult children. I’m talking about drug addiction, criminal activity, being severely mentally ill and refusing treatment, etc.
I have a lot of compassion for these parents.
There are situations no parent wants to be in yet cannot control.
I have a neighbour with a paranoid schizophrenic son in his 30s. When not on his meds, he is physically violent towards his aging parents and screams horrible verbal abuse. Heartbreaking for all involved.

I am 100% behind my kids.

They may make poor choices or ones I wouldn't make but they live their lives.

I also occasionally worry about them esp as they nothing have invisible disabilities, but I'm a good parent. I have awill. I have life insurance etc. They will be OK even if they don't earn big salaries.

I never got a leg up from my parents btw, I built my career myself.

I do wonder if we have brought up a generation of less decisive, more anxious people. I do wonder how I did this....

@ToryWantsBorisOut

I always tell my sons (who are still at school) that I'm the kind of parent who will think they are perfect no matter what they do. I joke with them that they'll be at home watching endless YouTube videos and sponging off me and I'll still think that they are the best people in the world and that they just haven't fulfilled their potential yet. Basically I want them to be absolutely secure in my unconditional love! (As my husband's mum was rather conditional about her love and it's damaged him for life). In all honesty though, I can't imagine ever been disappointed with them, as long as they remain the kind, caring people they are now, I don't give a shit what they do for a job.

I'm the same. They've been sun, moon and stars to me since they were born and I can't see that changing. It's probably unhealthy, and almost certainly because I had a rotten childhood, and I'm sure I've been far too much of a pushover. Meh. They're fucking incredible.

My mother made it abundantly clear at every opportunity that I was a total disappointment to her, despite having a very successful career and two great children.
I vowed, many years ago, to never be like her.
My DCs have worked really hard, have great careers and are happy and well-balanced individuals. I couldn’t ask for more.

Hi OP. Not disappointed as they are free to choose their own path.

Disappointment comes from the mismatch between reality and YOUR expectation. It is not your job to direct their entire lives Be brave and use this feeling you have to try to figure out the gaps in your mental framework of reality versus what your children want for themselves.