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Original poster

Anyone honestly disappointed by how their DC have turned out?

429 replies

Twobigsapphires · 16/04/2022 17:08

Had this debate with my sister last night. Interested to hear views. Topic started due to me talking about my 29 year old DS and I openly admitted I’m worried that I may end up being disappointed in what he does or doesn’t make of his life. Does anyone else feel like this? Or openly admit they are disappointed in their DC, even for maybe small things? It’s started to occur to me that this maybe comes with the territory of parenting.
I know my grandparents were disappointed my mum had me out of wedlock and didn’t follow the same religion as they did and disappointed in my uncles choice or wife. Pretty sure my parents have some disappointments over me and my siblings.

OP posts:
GhostofMaudFlanders · 20/04/2022 10:20

I am temporarily disappointed with some things my daughter does, such as telling lies etc . That is surely normal.

In general, if we are talking long term and lasting disappointment, then that would happen if my child voted and supported the Conservative party, or a far right party, or held any racist and bigoted opinions. I would be disappointed if they were an antivaxxer or a Brexit voter.

These would not represent the values of kindness, common-sense and inclusivity that are very important to me and my partner, and that we would have hoped to have passed on.

JustSmallFry · 20/04/2022 10:45

Vimto1991 · 17/04/2022 21:16

If you’re disappointed that means you had a pre conception of how you wanted your child’s life to be, but it’s their life to decide what to do with it, not yours, so if they stray from that path but they are happy, that should be enough, you shouldn’t be disappointed in that.

Really? DH has a 36 year old son who is bright and was given the option to do anything he wanted with regard to studies. He went to Australia on a year out. He went to hotel school and dropped out, he did some bits and bobs for an estate agent, for some restaurants and gave up, spent years unemployed and living with/off his mother, did some security work but got fired for being unreliable - during this time he bought a house which he defaulted on mortgage payments for, resulting in a court case and repossession. He has just tried a night reception job in a hotel which he found tiring so gave up on.
The truth is, he's lazy and can't be bothered to work, or do anything adult really. He's been in trouble with regard to his insurance, MOT, tax returns. I think DH has a right to be disappointed, yet what he really is is sad and convinced that he has done something wrong. He's often awake all night worrying. It breaks my heart

Showit · 20/04/2022 11:10

I'm not disappointed with my dc but at the moment one of them is currently throwing their future down the toilet by thinking they know it all and not listening to any advice. That makes me sad for them not me. There is a chance they could turn it around as they're bright but not naturally so. They just have to put the effort in.

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Families
ScribblingPixie · 20/04/2022 11:32

PenguinIce · 16/04/2022 17:40

I am disappointed my dc has cancelled their place at Uni and got a job instead. I didn’t want their life to be as tough as mine has been. I wonder if I made a mistake hiding from them how tough life was when they were younger as maybe if they realised how hard it was they might have made different choices.

It could turn out to be a very smart choice. A university education isn't the path to success it was - but it does guarantee debt.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 20/04/2022 11:33

I get disappointed that they haven’t lived up to their potential and one at least, has let life slip by. And the cavalier way he treats his gf.

Sushi7 · 20/04/2022 12:18

I guess with my son I am worried I will feel disappointed by some of his life choices.

@Twobigsapphires so your ds hasn't done anything that’s disappointed you? I think pre-emoting disappointment is even worse than being disappointed in him. He’s 19yo. Give him a break!

Octomore · 20/04/2022 12:46

how disappointed she would be if one of her boys ended up moving to a different country

This is a really depressing attitude.

She'd be disappointed because her children don't choose to locate their lives in the same place as her? What about what makes them happy?

The number of parents who seem to think they own their children, or that their children are just extensions of themselves is really depressing.

FrecklesMalone · 20/04/2022 12:50

I would be disappointed if they:
Mistreated deliberately other people

Were bigoted.
Viewed themselves as superior to others.
Voted for a conservative government if led by Johnson or similar.
Joined the army or a job that involved creating and/using weapons.
Had a job that added to the acceleration of climate change without trying to reduce the impact.
I hope that there time on earth is spent improving the world in a small way rather than make it worse.

Highwind · 20/04/2022 13:06

I would be profoundly disappointed if they got themselves suckered into a MLM scheme.

lborgia · 20/04/2022 13:43

I suppose it's the word "disappointment" that is so divisive.

I don't think I'd be disappointed if one of my children became a drug dealer, I'd be too fucking worried!!

Disappointed is something you would expect from someone who doesn't know you, or isn't close, or worries about how things look to others.

Every time my mother was disappointed in me, it was because I wasn't doing what she wanted.

Disappointed is about the person sucking their teeth, judging.

Worried, sad, depressed, distraught is how you feel if your negative emotion is about how they might end up, rather than how it reflects on you. Surely?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/04/2022 13:56

Imissmoominmama · 16/04/2022 17:12

I’m never disappointed in them, but I sometimes worry about choices they make.

Same.

I sometimes wish they could have the benefit of experience (ok - mine) - but you can't put an old head on young shoulders, and I never listened to my mother either.

steppemum · 20/04/2022 16:22

When I was about 13, I overheard my great aunt talking to my Granny about her kids and saying how they were all a disappointment to her.
I was astonished. She had 4 kids. All had interested (if unusual at times) jobs that they chose and enjoyed. All had successful relationships. She had about 6 grandchildren. They were all happy. On the surface a decent happy family. Apparently none of them had become a doctor /lawyer/ professional etc, so they were a disappointment to her.

It still puzzles me. I have though about it a lot.
To me, what I want for my kids is to be able to live a fulfilling and interesting life. Whatever that looks like, and I suspect it will look very different for each of them.

I think I WOULD be disappointed if they sat around smoking weed for the next 10 years. But mostly out of frustration that they are missing out on the wonder of living.

BodgertheJogger · 20/04/2022 16:40

pompei8309 · 16/04/2022 18:35

Majority saying you’ll only be disappointed if they turn to a life of crime and violence?? you’re all full of it.
You’re telling me that if you have a bright child that instead of going to uni chooses to stack shelves in Asda you won’t be disappointed?? ( and this is the most basic example) please don’t give me” if they’re happy” sob story .
Every parent will feel disappointment throughout their life regarding their kids, it may be long or short term but impossible to avoid .
Perfect kids don’t not exist nor the perfect parents

True to a point, yes. Everyone will feel some disappointment towards their child at some point, BUT as with everything, it depends on how much.
It's a scale. I forever disappointed my mother because I could never be who she wanted me to be, I was an extension of her. I would go on, but it's limitless.
It depends on a parent's tolerance and ability to let go and see the child as an individual and also want for their true happiness.

steppemum · 20/04/2022 17:05

BodgertheJogger · 20/04/2022 16:40

True to a point, yes. Everyone will feel some disappointment towards their child at some point, BUT as with everything, it depends on how much.
It's a scale. I forever disappointed my mother because I could never be who she wanted me to be, I was an extension of her. I would go on, but it's limitless.
It depends on a parent's tolerance and ability to let go and see the child as an individual and also want for their true happiness.

Show quote history

really? Everyone will feel some disappointment?

I think this is really about how you view your children. I find the word 'disappointment' suggests that they will not live up to some preconceived idea that I have about who they are and how they will live their lives.
I don't really think that way about my kids.
There are very few things that would fall into the 'disappointment' category for me. They are all around values. So if they did something racist or homophobic. Then I would be disappointed. They are all teens now, and I can't see them doing that.

MissMarplesNiece · 20/04/2022 17:39

My mother is disappointed in the way that myself and my siblings have turned out. She often expresses her disappointment about my siblings to me, so no doubt expresses disappointment about me to them. We've grown up well educated, had decent jobs, raised decent, kind children. I'm not really sure what we needed to do to make her not disappointed. It makes me very sad.

LightSnowLight · 20/04/2022 18:35

Nobody is allowed to be disappointed with how their children have turned out on MN!!! All adult children are lovely and loving and make their parents pround. No adult children have undiagnosed MH problems or criminal records or difficult lives or contentious personalities. IT'S THE MN RULES !!!

LightSnowLight · 20/04/2022 18:36

People live very sheltered lives on MN I think.

loupiots · 20/04/2022 18:36

Sometimes?
I'm disappointed my son didn't inherit any of my academic ability. He has to work so hard to even cover the basics and school's always been pretty difficult for him.

He does try though, (not as much as I would like, but hey, teenagers) so it's more disappointment for him, rather than in him.

LightSnowLight · 20/04/2022 18:40

The person who would be "disappointed" if her adult child voted differently from her is someone who is living in cloud cuckoo land if thats the biggest thing that "upsets" them. Like I said, loads of MN people live very sheltered lives in tiny worlds of their own creation.

LightSnowLight · 20/04/2022 18:41

The person who would be "disappointed" if her adult child voted differently from her is someone who is living in cloud cuckoo land if thats the biggest thing that distresses her about her adult child! Like I said, loads of MN people live very sheltered lives in tiny lucky-jim cotton-wool worlds.

LightSnowLight · 20/04/2022 18:44

The previous poster who would be "disappointed" if her adult child voted differently from her is someone who is living in La-La land if thats the biggest thing she could imagine disappointing her about her adult child! Like I said, so many MN people live very sheltered lives in tiny lucky-jim cotton-wool worlds.

LightSnowLight · 20/04/2022 18:45

The previous poster who would be "disappointed" if her adult child voted differently from her is someone who is living in La-La land if thats the biggest thing she could imagine disappointing her about her adult child! Like I said, so many MN people live very sheltered lives in tiny lucky-jim cotton-wool worlds.

LightSnowLight · 20/04/2022 18:46

The previous poster who would be "disappointed" if her adult child voted differently from her is someone who is living in La-La land if thats the biggest thing she could imagine disappointing her about her adult child! Like I said, so many MN people live very sheltered lives in tiny lucky-jim cotton-wool worlds.

Wintersonata · 20/04/2022 18:47

I am disappointed my dc has cancelled their place at Uni and got a job instead

I pleaded with my dc not to go to university. Neither were interested in academic work and only wanted to go because all their friends were going - and so off they went.
What a waste of time and money.
(Though they enjoyed themselves and made lots of friends).

Maggiethecat · 20/04/2022 18:51

Haven't read the whole huge thread but note a few people have commented in terms of the occasional disappointment at a dc's action.

I think the OP's question "anyone disappointed by how their dc have turned out" speaks to a larger sense of disappointment in a child's achievements, lifestyle, values etc.

I think it would be very easy to feel this and I'll probably have a view when they're a bit older but recognise that it's their life and they have to live it.