Anyone honestly disappointed by how their DC have turned out?

[Twobigsapphires]

Had this debate with my sister last night. Interested to hear views. Topic started due to me talking about my 29 year old DS and I openly admitted I’m worried that I may end up being disappointed in what he does or doesn’t make of his life. Does anyone else feel like this? Or openly admit they are disappointed in their DC, even for maybe small things? It’s started to occur to me that this maybe comes with the territory of parenting.
I know my grandparents were disappointed my mum had me out of wedlock and didn’t follow the same religion as they did and disappointed in my uncles choice or wife. Pretty sure my parents have some disappointments over me and my siblings.

No, pleasantly surprised.

My mum was always very pro my sibbling growing up but not me, ferried to every event she wanted to attend, supported and bailed out finacially at ever turn - me, i was dragged around in the back of the car most nights in the cold when i should have been in bed, no clubs or hobbies as there wasnt the time with everything sibbling did and no money left after all the bailing out either. They got a car, i didnt, they got a house, i didnt - everything handed to them and praises sung at every turn then there's me. The one that always tried their hardest and got nothing but looked down, never mentioned or supported - the disappointment of the family. Hardly surprising really seeing as i had an entirely different life to sibbling and it's pretty easy to be on the up and up when you had a car and house given to you vs the one who didnt even get a driving lesson. Mum has kept all sibblings cards, gifts and everything, always goes on about them being so wonderful and successful (to be fair i do love my sibbling and as a human they are lovely and completely not their fault they were clearly the favourite). Me she has kept nothing and nothing i do is ever good enough. I have fought tooth and nail to survive and do my best but nothing is ever good enough. I resent her hugely for it.

As for my kids - they are perfectly imperfect. I love them for who they are and not what they achieve. I support them to be the best version of themselves they want to be and as long as they are happy with life that is all i want. I dont care if they go to uni to be a doctor or work in a shop, as long as they enjoy life. I will never be disappointed in them unless they become killers or abusers which they wont because they are just caring people. They will screw up, they will need help as they learn and grow, they will most likely make some awful choices and i will be there if or when they need me. But that is how you shape your own path in the world - better to live your own life than follow someone else's path to somewhere you dont want to be.

Are you saying you are disappointed your child didnt live the life you wanted them to live but instead lived their own life? Because that is how it sounds. Disappointed they didnt go to uni, disappointed they dont have their own property... what if they dont want those things, that those thing make them miserable? it's just you wanting them and then on top you are disappointed with them for not achieving your goals you set them. Seems weirdly unfair (and frankly controlling) to be disappointed in someone for not living the life you want them to live regardless if it is the one they want to live themselves.

What is it with parents wanting their kids to bring poor babies into an overpopulated world that's going to hell in a hand cart? You will be happier and richer without them and your mother is being selfish.

Don't you have children? @wentworthinmate

It wasn't very long ago when being a gp was seen as the big compensation for growing old. Your post sounds so judgemental. It's not selfish to hope for gc ffs. It's normal and perhaps a bit more compassion for others' hopes and dreams would help make a kinder world.

So much judgement on this thread.

I am not disappointed in my children but I am disappointed in my in parents .

@NeedleNoodle3

I couldn’t be more whatever the opposite to disappointed is with my three adult DC.

Proud?

That's really sad @bemusedmoose I don't understand how parents can do things like that to their children 😔

I think this is a sad question. I'm all for talking about "taboo" parenting subjects and not hiding feelings out of shame etc, but being disappointed in ones' children isn't a healthy thing, in my opinion. It's unnecessary and unkind. Worried, anxious, etc, I can understand, but disappointment suggests a set of standards and expectations upon your kids, which I know has historically been the norm, but surely we know nowadays that putting expectations on other humans is never going to lead to happiness, for either party. Accepting that our kids are completely unique individuals who will live life in their own way is the only way to have a healthy relationship with them in my opinion.

I am also disappointed in my parents, having my own children magnifies this even more. Maybe disappointed is not the right wording, I wish they were different people who I looked up to and adored, instead I have been dealt rubbish parents who don't give a shit.

@Annoyedandirritated

Absolutely *@CaliforniaDrumming*! Some very naïve responses on here

Far from naïve! I have a child with SN, another who has gone through drug addiction, one struggling with life due to Covid so no - I'm certainly not naïve. I am, however, supportive of them and their life choices in as much as I can be.

I have three wonderful children who I love more then anything in this world but yes, I have definitely felt disappointment.
My latest challenge is that my DS who has just turned 18 is an absolute pain in the backside with his college work. He was like it during his GCSEs and I hoped that because his college course was something that interested him he would put more effort in. He is more then capable and that showed in his first few assignments, but he is also lazy and decides not to put any effort in.
He drives me bonkers.
We have tried different approaches from encouragement, support, meetings with college tutors, praise, consequences etc and now I feel I can do no more. It is up to him now, only he can do what he needs to do.
It is disappointing though. Disappointing that he doesn’t have the drive to achieve and reach his full potential. Disappointing that he is so similar to me. Disappointing that despite all the support both we and the college have given him he hasn’t pulled his socks up.
I know one day he will get there ( I went back into education at 30 and got my GCSEs, went to uni and now have a 1st class honours degree) but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed in his attitude at the moment 🙁.
I think my disappointment is just because I care so much and I want my children to have an easier life then I have had with greater opportunities.

No not at all. He’s just a great person. My parents were a little disappointed with me until they became old and needed help and I stepped up and completely supported them. Life keeps moving and perspectives change!

It always amazes me when parents tell me they are disappointed about the choices their children have made in their lives and that they wish they had followed the advice they had been given by said parents! You should all be grateful you have children to be disappointed in... Some of us don't, through no fault of our own, and you lot are moaning that they are not "mini- mes"! Be quiet and be grateful and remember those who are not as fortunate. The last parents to say that to me as no longer friends and know why! Selfish prats.

@HLL80

My eldest is 17 and my youngest is 12 and both seem to have plans. My eldest wants a gap year to do Camp America or something similar. Youngest has got into our local UTC to do engineering at GCSE and beyond. They are both resolutely set on their path.

My middle child is 15 and is struggling. They’re absolutely ploughing their GCSEs and are having a huge gender identity crisis (born female but they don’t feel it, wears a chest binder and in the process of changing gender identity/name at school.)

I don’t feel disappointed but I feel like I’ve lost my daughter. I can’t say I’m disappointed as such but I feel confused and feeling a huge sense of loss. I’m supporting them as much as I can but this is unchartered territory for us all. We also have CAHMS involved as they’ve been self-harming, stealing and destroying personal possessions (mattresses and carpets)

I’m exhausted by it all. I can’t say I’m disappointed. Things have been hard. I think they’re autistic tbh and both me and her dad (we’re now divorced but still on good terms) have thought it since they were tiny but we thought that pushing for a diagnosis wouldn’t change anything for any of us as this was “her”. I worry that knowing their ability to fixate on things, I’m not necessarily seeing a genuine issue with their gender identity, but more what is reflected in forums and chatrooms.

I wish things were easier and I’m exhausted. They’ve told me that they hate me, they hope I die of cancer, etc. They apologise later and link it to their mental health but I suffer terribly from depression and anxiety. None of my children realise the extent of it

(I recently opened up to DD17 and she couldn’t believe that I’d managed to hide it and I had quite a serious breakdown last year) and I’ve never said anything like that.

This is a very long post to basically say that no, I’m not disappointed but I’m facing unexpected hurdles. My middle child isn’t following the path I expected them to take but I need to find a way through it with them.

Are you me? The asd, trans, self harm, the hatred, CAHMS (they are shit!), my anxiety and depression.

Not disappointed in the child, but hate the place they are in their life.

@Mirw

It always amazes me when parents tell me they are disappointed about the choices their children have made in their lives and that they wish they had followed the advice they had been given by said parents! You should all be grateful you have children to be disappointed in... Some of us don't, through no fault of our own, and you lot are moaning that they are not "mini- mes"! Be quiet and be grateful and remember those who are not as fortunate. The last parents to say that to me as no longer friends and know why! Selfish prats.

@Mirw I take your point, but I can also completely understand why my Dad’s friends might be disappointed that their DD chose to have several children with an addict, causing considerable distress to those children and financial strain for them ( and also distress, I’m sure). They love their DD and their grandchildren, but her choices have caused pain.

I'm astounded by all of the "I can't imagine being disappointed in my child!" bewilderment. You've either been very lucky to have such good children or you have very low standards yourself. Would you not be disappointed if your 18 yo son got a 14 yo pregnant? Or decided to leave education to deal drugs or join a gang? What if your daughter dropped out of uni to do only fans or work in strip club? Or your adult child made the choice not to work and either live off you or on benefits? There are so many everyday scenarios that could be potentially disappointing.

@mubarak86

I'm astounded by all of the "I can't imagine being disappointed in my child!" bewilderment. You've either been very lucky to have such good children or you have very low standards yourself. Would you not be disappointed if your 18 yo son got a 14 yo pregnant? Or decided to leave education to deal drugs or join a gang? What if your daughter dropped out of uni to do only fans or work in strip club? Or your adult child made the choice not to work and either live off you or on benefits? There are so many everyday scenarios that could be potentially disappointing.

I would appreciate their unique path and cherish their place in this big old world....

Like hell I would. I would be bloody disappointed. :)

My dc are still teens and preteens, but I can't imagine being disappointed in them for anything other than enjoying deliberately hurting anyone.
I'm pretty certain that my parents have been disappointed in most of my life choices as an adult (not going to uni, leaving civil service, who I married, how many children I have, what my husband does for a living, having mental health issues ) and that last one is largely down to them not being able to hide their disappointment, which is a massive irony!
I am proud of all my children, the things they've come through and achieved so far, and I will continue to be. I can't imagine being so narrow-minded as to be disappointed with someone else's choice of job/partner/house etc, even if it's not what I would choose.
I think you're right that it's something that we have to navigate as part of parenting, but it's so important that we learn to deal with it for ourselves, and not project our wants, needs and ideals on to our adult children.

I think there's probably some people on this thread thinking being disappointed in your kid is along the "went to Durham not Oxford" lines or not following their footsteps into medicine or law. Which they (and any other normal people) would never do.

Then there's the living aimlessly off benefits with no goals, never leaving the house, becoming involved in criminal activity, being an abuser - I think most people would be disappointed if that was their child, wouldn't they?

Thinking about it, I'd be more worried than disappointed, and probably upset that I might have contributed to it somehow through poor parenting and desperate to help.

Honestly I think I would be disappointed in them if my children became Tories though 😆

My mother was clear that me and DSis were disappointments - we have not “married well”, I am also a working mother. But we neither of us lose sleep over it, she became quite bitter about things as she aged.

I’ll admit to finding Eldest DS frustrating because he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life. His attitude is there is more to life than earning money which on a level is true, we don’t need him to train as a lawyer or be an investment banker. But he doesn’t truly understand how hard life without money is. We try to talk to him, without being judgemental, but he gets defensive.

We will of course give him a roof over his head while he needs it. He finally has some paid part time work & still works part time unpaid in a charity shop.

Be interesting to see what path younger DS takes.

@tattygrl

I think this is a sad question. I'm all for talking about "taboo" parenting subjects and not hiding feelings out of shame etc, but being disappointed in ones' children isn't a healthy thing, in my opinion. It's unnecessary and unkind. Worried, anxious, etc, I can understand, but disappointment suggests a set of standards and expectations upon your kids, which I know has historically been the norm, but surely we know nowadays that putting expectations on other humans is never going to lead to happiness, for either party. Accepting that our kids are completely unique individuals who will live life in their own way is the only way to have a healthy relationship with them in my opinion.

I know it's been said already but you wouldn't be disappointed if you're child became a drug dealer? If they grew up to be abusive to their partner and children? If they committed serious crimes? If they joined a neo nazi organisation?

*your child

@Mirw

I dont think many people on here are disappointed that their children are not "mini me's".

Are you saying just because you are "blessed" to be a parent you have to "be quiet and be grateful".

I dont agree with that at all. Part of being a parent is guiding and supporting your child. Helping them to navigate the world and in my mind to do good for others. There are so many ways we can all help others. I wouldnt want my children to be selfish and I would be disappointed if they were self centred.

I really don’t see the issue with being disappointed with your children at times and the choices they make

I’m disappointed that ds doesn’t work harder. When he does and gets the grades he is capable of getting I feel very proud. He is extremely privileged to be going to such a good school

I can certainly understand why parents feel disappointed when their children have issues that make life very hard for all to deal with. To know your child will never be able to live independently or will struggle through of course is disappointing that isn’t to do with live quite the opposite we all want the best for our children

I know there was disappointment in me when I was caught bunking off school, this had far more of an impact than a telling off I never did it again

I don't have children, but I'm sure I disappointed my parents in some ways - dropped out of university, kind of drifted from one job to another until I found something I loved, lesbian, radical feminist, many short-term relationships, etc., but I never felt that from them - occasionally aware they were slightly worried, but they were always loving and supportive, and said they were proud of me. And welcomed every girlfriend they met! (But DM was delighted when I settled down with Ms Right in my 40s, as was I). I think the main thing for them was that I was happy, safe and solvent.