Anyone honestly disappointed by how their DC have turned out?

[Twobigsapphires]

Had this debate with my sister last night. Interested to hear views. Topic started due to me talking about my 29 year old DS and I openly admitted I’m worried that I may end up being disappointed in what he does or doesn’t make of his life. Does anyone else feel like this? Or openly admit they are disappointed in their DC, even for maybe small things? It’s started to occur to me that this maybe comes with the territory of parenting.
I know my grandparents were disappointed my mum had me out of wedlock and didn’t follow the same religion as they did and disappointed in my uncles choice or wife. Pretty sure my parents have some disappointments over me and my siblings.

@PenguinIce

I am disappointed my dc has cancelled their place at Uni and got a job instead. I didn’t want their life to be as tough as mine has been. I wonder if I made a mistake hiding from them how tough life was when they were younger as maybe if they realised how hard it was they might have made different choices.

On the other side of this, I wish I hadn't gone to uni (I studied History) and just gotten solid life/job experience instead. I feel like young people are put under so much pressure now to go to university when there is much to be said for going out into the big wide world and working your way up in a job without a mountain of debt.

I don’t go to university until I was in my 30’s

It opens so many more doors for you. I would like that for ds

I wouldn’t be disappointed if he didn’t go and found a job he enjoyed and worked hard in and could progress/he could earn a comfortable wage

I would be very disappointed he didn’t apply himself. I think working hard is a positive attribute even if you are not doing a job you enjoy. I would not be happy if he worked when it suited him and didn’t take responsibility for himself that would be disappointing.

@bloodybridget, ‘Happy, safe and solvent’ are great things to hope for them, but I would add, ‘kind’ and ‘resilient.’ Everything else is a bonus. I understand how parents can be disappointed, of course. Those who are saying they couldn’t possibly be disappointed are obviously fortunate not to have fascist or even terminally apathetic DC. It’s good to analyse our own expectations. Our hopes for our children nearly always come from needs and wants that we haven’t met in our own lives, don’t they?

@Nomorefuckstogive yes, certainly kind and resilient too, they're definitely extremely important.

My DM has been disappointed in me since I was the age of your son- from my part time (professional) job to my weight, hairstyle and choice of partner. It really was poison in our relationship and for my self esteem. We were reasonably close during my teens but we now barely speak plus I've had to spend a lot on therapy!

I don't think out people would be disappointed in them unless they turned to a life of crime but rather disappointed for them if they don't achieve their perceived potential. I know my dad was disappointed for my sister that she didn't stick to her orinlginal degree course as it would have led to a professional job and she'd have made more money than the just above minimum wage she does now. She is very clever so could have done it but she had a few years of not being able to figure out what she wanted to do with herself and her ambitions just kind of fell flat. It wouldn't be an issue if she enjoyed the job she does now but she doesn't.

*original even

They are adults and you have to respect their choices.Chill out and enjoy them. Please xx

Okay - if you say so. Sometimes things happen in life that are out of your control. Like having kids who are on the spectrum and are incredibly shy. And unconfident. 'Respecting their choices' means you respect their choice to live in their bedroom for 3 years?? Erm no - I didn't think so.

Posters on this thread appear to be talking about two different things. One section are talking about not being disappointed if their DC choose their own jobs and partners. Easy to be not disappointed in that case. The other section are talking about DC becoming scroungers or addicts. Far harder to be cheerily undisappointed and say " Let them live their lives"..

What an interesting thread. I have particularly loved some of the competitive "I must love my kids more than you love yours" type of posts 😉

I haven't ever been disappointed in my kids or choices they've made but I'm not stupid enough to think that's because I am either a fantastic parent, a saintly person or I love them more than anyone else loves their kids. I 100% realise it's because I have been lucky and they have so far made what I consider to be good choices and have turned out to be nice human beings. And that is 90% luck I'm convinced of it.

It's a hard thing to get right as a parent I think. Between an expectation that our kids will work hard, be decent, work hard, make good choices etc and the sort of silent disappointment that so many have experienced on this thread. I have never experienced anything but pride and love from my parents and neither have my DC but I feel that is lucky, not because we are special.

Nah i don't think its all down to luck. I think a lot of it is what you put in. But you can't put in everything , you don't knit them. And you dont have a say in a lot of what they are about, maybe thats where the luck comes in. But its not all down to luck, same as if you've worked for years and climbed the career ladder, thats not just luck, its hard work..parenting is similar.

You can secretly be disappointed if you like but it isn't your life to live, so imagining they were going to turn out a certain way or do something that YOU wanted them to do is more on you and still wanting to control his decisions and what he does, much like you did when he was a child. If you are talking about someone with a drug addiction who has ended up in prison etc, that's completely different and yes disappointed is something anyone would feel if they'd given their child a good start in life etc.

My children are still young so I'm yet to find out what path they chose. I honestly don't mind what they do as long as they are the right side of the law and happy. We are providing a nice upbringing and have sent them to the best school so hopefully they'll turn out OK with a good solid foundation to start with.

I think my in laws are very disappointed in my husband in many ways, they are very controlling people and measure success by money and material things. My husband is very intelligent and has several degrees, he set up his own business doing something he loved, it didn't rake in the cash so his mum told him he was wasting his time. They didn't like his choice of wife as I don't come from money, although I'm also well educated. They are religious and we are not, we have no interest in religion and chose to have our first child during our engagement, they were furious about what other people (church chums) would think. They expected my husband to go into a high earning field, go to church and marry a church goer, from a family with plenty of money and status. He's done none of the above 😆.

Sometimes disappointment comes from a lack of respect, or mothers projecting their own wants/needs/worldview onto children.

As long as not a criminal, drug addict, or complete lay about I don’t think I could be disappointed.

I worry about being cut out by potential wife and their mother - that would def cause disappointment - but that’s another thread!

I agree, nature vs nurture, always a balance.
Most, not all DC's who turn out "wasting their lives" started gaming at a far too earlier an age.
Time and time again i see this as they become more nocturnal in their sleep habits.

I was frustrated with my eldest when he dropped out of Uni and didn’t work for 3yrs. Thankfully I managed to help him get a good job and he’s now saved up a lot of money and I’m pleased he’s doing something with his life. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a bit disappointed about your child’s life choices, when you know they are capable of more

If only a good upbringing and good parenting could reliably save DC from mental health issues, addiction or just plain laziness. Sometimes it won't. That is where luck comes in.

I don't really get what you mean by 'disappointed' because that implies I had plans for them and I don't. It's their lives, not mine. But I do get worried about them if I think they are making choices which will lead to difficulties or unhappiness and I worry when they are unhappy during periods when life isn;t turning out as they wish.
DS1 for example is heading for a low paid vocational career despite being really brilliant. He could earn a fortune in law but doesn't want to. DH and I know all about penniless vocational careers and have our own regrets about them. But we also have to admit we had a brilliant time in every way except for being penniless. I can't in fairness try to dissuade him from his vocational choice and won't be disappointed if he goes for it but will worry. Though I'd probably end up worrying more if he was working flat out at a job he hated for 70 hours a week, just to earn a big six-figure salary.

Totally agree. The idea that good parenting will save you and your kids from the consequences of genetics and circumstance is incredibly naive. If you've had a number of kids it's completely obvious that some are born with more agreeable personalities than others, some are naturally very selfish, for instance, and some aren't. I don't think it's a question of disappointment, exactly, because that depends on the parents' expectations. But although you may love your kids equally, it's absolutely normal to not to particularly like one as an adult. I've seen this over and over again, when you can get parents to be honest. Same goes for liking your parents, doesn't it? You may prefer the behaviour of one over the other. You may feel closer to one than the other.

But there's deep shame and judgement for people who are honest about their children, isn't there? Like you've broken some parenting code of honour. This is why We Need To Talk About Kevin is such a brilliant, searingly honest book, and too much for many people to stomach.

I am honestly so proud of my dc, and it would not occur to me to feel disappointment in anything they choose to do. I would be massively projecting if I even had an idea of what they might become once fully fledged. It is their lives, not mine, it is not my place to impose my wishes/desires/expectations on to them. I have raised decent, kind and clever children what they do now is up to them. Unless they turned out like Putin, I will feel glad they have survived the lockdowns, pandemic in one piece and hopefully feel some inspiration on the planet to follow their own choices and dreams.

We can't impose ourselves on our dc. I think that is really wrong. We don't own them!

If I am honest, I am deeply disappointed that DS2 was born with a host of minor but impacting physical impairments, two manageable but notable physical deformities and autism. I wish for his sake he was tall and healthy and neurotypical. But I'm not disappointed in him. I couldn't be prouder that the little kid in the remedial set who had no friends and was bullied and isolated at primary school is now heading for a first at a top uni, has dozens of friends, people fighting over each other to live with him next year, three different groups inviting him on holiday over summer, loads of interests. These things will never overcome the physical hurdles or the impact they will have on his love life and probably his work life, given what a horribly prejudiced society we are, but he is brilliant and resilient and I couldn't be prouder, even though he struggles a lot of the time with feelings of inadequacy when he compares himself physically to his friends.

Not sure if this had been mentioned before, but we had a very stark experience of this. One of our kids was potentially going to go to a private school. My main concern was that we would have some feeling of entitlement, that because we had spent so much money, we could not have a single concern about whether it was "wasted" or not. The way I put it to dh was that if ds decided he would be most content becoming a barista, or working in a supermarket, or in the council offices, or whatever, that was his choice. I have just chosen random ideas there btw.

DH was quite shocked, and I realised he had expectations even before this conversation!

I used to live next door to a family who had sold the family house and downsized considerably, so that their oldest son could go to Eaton. I was only a teenager at the time, but I vividly remember the boy saying"no pressure then", and he definitely wasn't joking.

My son has nearly finished there now, and has absolutely loved it. Unfortunately he has now been quite unwell for 3 years, so is unlikely to do well in his A levels. One of the GP receptionists, who knows him, and his uniform, made some remark about "how awful for you, all that money you've spent".

I don't care. If he recovers, and continues to be a nice kid, and eventually a nice adult, I'll be happy.

I’m not sure I’m disappointed in my son, he’s 18 and has a lot of growing up to do, but I am frustrated with him. He has genius level IQ but is performing averagely at school. He drives too fast, I’ve caught him vaping and lying about it and he has high ambitions but is frankly, lazy. He is an introvert and relies on alcohol and being his mates’ agony aunt to be popular. We have tried bribing, telling off, talking to him, taking his phone away, everything to make him knuckle down for his A levels but we can’t do it for him. It is frustrating…

I am not sure about 'turned out' as I think there is a lot of life to live even if some of our choices are dubious! Sometimes I have been disappointed with things that they have done but pursue loving them. I am currently disappointed/frustrated that one of my children doesn't want us to do anything social in our house because exams are coming up, and is hardly doing any work at all, by own admission!

No I'm not disappointed in mine, I actually just want them to be happy. They're at different life stages and have made totally different choices. I think there is too much either berating of parents or parents slapping themselves on the back for what brilliant offspring they have, bragging about their grades, jobs etc. Parents aren't always to blame and neither should they take credit maybe dc would have achieved well anyway. I hardly had any input or interest from my parents but I am successful and to hear my mum boast to her friends as if she had anything to do with it, annoys me.

I think there is a lot of semantics on this thread. If you are frustrated that your DC are lazy, drinking too much or refusing to leave their bedrooms you are disappointed, trust me. No need to sugarcoat it.