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Original poster

Anyone honestly disappointed by how their DC have turned out?

429 replies

Twobigsapphires · 16/04/2022 17:08

Had this debate with my sister last night. Interested to hear views. Topic started due to me talking about my 29 year old DS and I openly admitted I’m worried that I may end up being disappointed in what he does or doesn’t make of his life. Does anyone else feel like this? Or openly admit they are disappointed in their DC, even for maybe small things? It’s started to occur to me that this maybe comes with the territory of parenting.
I know my grandparents were disappointed my mum had me out of wedlock and didn’t follow the same religion as they did and disappointed in my uncles choice or wife. Pretty sure my parents have some disappointments over me and my siblings.

OP posts:
tillytoodles1 · 17/04/2022 22:18

Yes. My son has a very well paid job and likes the good things in life. He and his fiancee, also very well paid, love to spend money like water, but whenever they go out with her family I get left out. My daughter and her husband treat me much better.

Rhodora · 17/04/2022 22:26

A woman I know is disappointed in her DD which is truly shocking. What makes it shocking is that DD 1 refused to follow the family tradition of spending most days in the pub but instead left home at 16 and moved in with her then DP now DH and got a job. DD 2 is 20 years younger than DD 1 and at 14 DD 2 showed up on DD 1 doorstep at 11pm as she was locked out, hadn’t eaten since lunchtime at school and had nothing but the clothes on her back and yes mum and dad were down the pub. DD 1 and her DH gave DD 2 a home. DD 1 mother is disappointed because she didn’t think it was wrong to take her child DD 2 away.

SarahAndQuack · 17/04/2022 23:29

I hope I won't be disappointed. But I think this thread shows how much these feelings have to do with our own experiences as children.

My dad has been explicitly disappointed in me for as long as I can remember. I've done the odd thing that pleased him, but he is quite sure I ruined my life by getting divorced, still more by having a relationship with a woman. When I told him I felt my daughter's best interests were served by me not being in a relationship with someone who was treating me and her badly, he was quite sure this was morally wrong of me, and he made clear he was much worse than disappointed in me. My mother is disappointed both that I've had a good career that was out of her reach (and while I had it, she persistently ran me down), but she's also disappointed I've now given it up for something I'm enjoying - not stacking shelves, but in her eyes not very dissimilar.

What I take away from this is feeling I would just be disappointed in myself if I passed this toxicity and harm on to DD. I haven't had a parental example of 'healthy' disappointment (if such a thing exists). I just feel very strongly I want her to know I'm not in a position to judge her.

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Families
Coyoacan · 17/04/2022 23:49

Waxonwaxoff0

<strong>I'd only ever be disappointed in my child if he ended up turning to a life of crime, or was someone who enjoyed hurting other people. I'd never be disappointed by his choice of job, relationship, etc.</strong>

When my dd was small I had visions of her leading the world but by the time she was a teenager I just hoped she didn't turn out to be an axe murderer.

She has turned out to be a lovely person and I am very proud her.

Carriecakes80 · 18/04/2022 00:08

Never in a million years could I be disappointed in my kids...I know them too well, see the work they do, the choices they make, and while I worry about them, they never disappoint me.
In fact the opposite, I am so proud of my kids I could cry! lol. For one tiny example, my 17 yr old son always has whatever spare change he can find with him when he's working in town as a cleaner, because then he can try to help a few of the homeless that live under the bridge he passes every day, and in winter, he and his mates went round all the charity shops and bought all the blankets and coats they could and gave them out.
Its little things, but to me they mean everything. x

yphtutor · 18/04/2022 00:35

Intensely proud! Why? What have they done? That just sounds like blind love which is in no ones best interests. You are the parent you need to guide your children, take responsibility, help them navigate through life. It’s not easy, we don’t always get it right, but you have to do what you think is best for them at the time. It might not be! There is no map no clear directive, instinct is not always right! We as parents just do the best we can. That’s all we can do. If you can honestly say you’ve done that, then don’t beat yourself up about the road they take. Just be there for them whatever, parenthood is not easy, but hopefully you will always find joy in it.

Kazza57 · 18/04/2022 07:23

I get that my DS is 22 not settled employment wise but really had a difficult teenage years suffice to say lucky he is still alive! Am I disappointed by his choices hell yes! But also proud that he has turned his life around… I do support him financially because I don’t want him to struggle too much and I know if he was in uni it would cost much more he’ll find his way.

PeaceToEveryOne · 18/04/2022 07:46

My son hasn't worked for four years, he says he can't handle people, he won't sign on the dole, so I have supported him.
He is intelligent and a good person, but not motivated and has no friends he admits, when I am gone, he will live on the streets, or leave this world.
This is not what I had hoped for him.

Mumkins42 · 18/04/2022 08:14

Those who have the courage to look at the darker thoughts we all have and admit them are the ones I truly admire, so good for you. You are not alone , most people live in a delusion.
I personally found that I was disappointed that the trajectory or idea in my mind was not fulfilled. So for me I had to grieve the idealised image and the hope that certain wrongs from my childhood and dreams of mine could be met through my child. This is big stuff to acknowledge and admit. I am a highly loving and caring and accepting human with great empathy and non stop love and support as a parent to my children. I imagine this is the case for you and most others too.
Because most people walk around in a state of self denial and delusion they won't grow from the opportunity. You probably will. Life is disappointment for many and parenting is presented as an illusion of never ending joy. It's all a crock. It's joy but also pain. Once you accept your feelings are ok and pretty normal, ( they really are), then I feel you can then fully accept all that happens to your children along their path in life without feeling it too personally. Our kids are their own separate identity and separating our own needs being met through them takes work - for every single one of us. x

tiredanddangerous · 18/04/2022 08:27

My DM makes it very obvious that she is disappointed by my life choices (namely to spend 12 years as a sahm and not have the big career job that she had) and it's been very damaging to our relationship. I see her as little as possible.

The reality is that my childhood was pretty shit and a lot of that was related to her big career job. Not that she can see it!

Caelan2018 · 18/04/2022 09:42

Mine are only young yet one early teen 2 toddlers and will have newborn next weekbit I could never be disappointed unless booked the law or addiction or violence etc they will always take their own path my oldest hates school but loves outdoor work so there is no pressure here to go to college/uni and never will be.

Mollymoostoo · 18/04/2022 10:04

IMO disappointment comes from our unmet expectations. If we expect a person to behave a certain way (based on our values) and they don't meet that either by choice or otherwise, we feel disappointed.

In reality this happens alot but even as parents we don't have the right to expect our children to live their lives the way we choose.
I feel disappointed when my children don't follow my advice, but I have to accept that they are their own people.

wentworthinmate · 18/04/2022 10:07

My son is lovely and works hard for little pay but.... he did go to uni and dropped out just before finals. £40k of debt and no degree. He is the king of procrastination 👑

CaliforniaDrumming · 18/04/2022 10:09

@PeaceToEveryOne

My son hasn't worked for four years, he says he can't handle people, he won't sign on the dole, so I have supported him. He is intelligent and a good person, but not motivated and has no friends he admits, when I am gone, he will live on the streets, or leave this world. This is not what I had hoped for him.
Rather surprised by some of the very idealistic answers on this thread. I defy anyone to not feel disappointed in situations like this. Of course you still love them. But very normal to feel disappointed.
wentworthinmate · 18/04/2022 10:11

@Ridingoverthewaves

I would be disappointed if they didn’t have children, but that would not be disappointed in them but selfishly for me. And I would never pressure them to have children for that reason.
You want your children to bring children into THIS world???? For you??? Unbelievable, I am truly gobsmacked at your selfishness.
wentworthinmate · 18/04/2022 10:18

@grapewines

My mum is disappointed she's not getting a son in law and grandchildren off me. She thinks she hides it well. She doesn't.
What is it with parents wanting their kids to bring poor babies into an overpopulated world that's going to hell in a hand cart? You will be happier and richer without them and your mother is being selfish.
CaliforniaDrumming · 18/04/2022 10:22

I wouldn't be disappointed if they didn't have children ( wise decision), didn't marry or didn't work in high earning jobs. I would be disappointed if they did not work at all, used drugs and alcohol, or were bad people.

hapagirl · 18/04/2022 10:29

I’m massively worried about my ASD daughter (15) and what her life will be. I’m disappointed and sad about this hand she has been dealt, not disappointed in her. I think my parents are disappointed in me. They were 60s/ 70s hippies and I’m as conventional and middle class as they come.

Chocolatehamper · 18/04/2022 10:31

I don’t think it’s for us to be disappointed in our children. We can hope they do the best for themselves and make themselves proud of their own achievements but at the end of the day, they didn’t ask for this life or to be born, so we can only be disappointed in ourselves if we don’t give them the life skills to make their own way through it.

Annoyedandirritated · 18/04/2022 10:34

My 19 year old has a dead end job, doesn’t stick to anything and has no drive or ambition. I worry for him and actually feel sorry for him more than anything, that he has no interest in making a better life for himself

Squeezyhug · 18/04/2022 10:35

I would only be disappointed if they ended up in crime.

Jobs, relationships etc ... it doesn’t matter because they are lovely people and as long as they’re happy, so am I !

MrPickles73 · 18/04/2022 10:38

My ex admitted he was disappointed with his son's choice of job. My ex had FSM etc. but was very smart and despite being bullied at his very average comp went to a v good uni and got a v good job earning £100k which was amazing for his starting point. He only has 1 child so when we were together and the child was small I said why don't you send him to a private school etc. Any how the ex didnt agree it was a good idea. The son went to the same sink comp his Dad went to and is now a motorbike mechanic, which is the same job his grandad had. (I'm not saying there's anything wrong with car mechanics but my ex thought having done well himself his son would do better). His son is now in his 20s and his granny said his Dad is disappointed he hasn't done better. So yes I think there are people out there disappointed in their kids.

CaliforniaDrumming · 18/04/2022 10:39

@Chocolatehamper

I don’t think it’s for us to be disappointed in our children. We can hope they do the best for themselves and make themselves proud of their own achievements but at the end of the day, they didn’t ask for this life or to be born, so we can only be disappointed in ourselves if we don’t give them the life skills to make their own way through it.
Surely it's not entirely about life skills. They could be SN, or have chronic depression, or just be spongers. Not always the fault of parents.
Annoyedandirritated · 18/04/2022 10:46

Absolutely @CaliforniaDrumming! Some very naïve responses on here

CaliforniaDrumming · 18/04/2022 10:47

I mean people saying they don't care as long as their kids are happy. I know several young adults who live off their parents and can't be bothered to get jobs or contribute in any way. They are happy. The parents are not. They are disappointed which I think is a valid response.