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Original poster

Mother expecting me to let her know I'm 'safe' when travelling

300 replies

Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:10

I'm 30 and spent most of my 20s travelling and living in other countries. This gave me a lot of time and space away from my mother who has always focused on me a bit too much (me being an only child, her a single parent).

I broke up with ex partner 3 years ago and since then every time I fly abroad she asks me to let her know when I get there 'safely' - and once when I didn't genuinely thought I might've been kidnapped. I've went along with this but now as I'm about to go on a trip and I think there is no reason to have to do this.

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger? AIBU to basically tell her I'll no longer let her know when I arrive in places to assuage her own anxieties?

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 06/04/2022 12:19

My DDs (23 and 29) always let me know when they arrive when they are travelling. I always let my DM know this when I am travelling. It's not controlling in any way it's just what we do in our family.

airrrrAIRRRRiELLLL · 06/04/2022 12:23

My 30-something dds message to say they are home safe. (Or do after promptingSmile).
Until my mum went into care I still had to give 'two rings' on the phone when I got home and I'm in my 60s. My dds also expect us to message to say we've arrived safely if we're on holiday. Thought it was normal!

bridgetjonesmassivepants · 06/04/2022 12:36

This is totally crazy! It would NEVER have occurred to me to tell my mum I'd got home. What sort of mad, anxiety driven world do you all live in that people are being abducted/killed/in an accident if you don't get a phone call/text?
I would point blank refuse, it's controlling.
I would never think to ask thud of my children either, it's bizarre.

Thisismynamenow · 06/04/2022 12:38

I'm 28 and still text my parents to let them know i've arrived safely - even if I go somewhere in the UK.

Even more so if i'm travelling alone.

They want to make sure i'm safe, and when they travel, I ask them to let me know either safe.

It's not like she wants photographic evidence you've arrived somewhere...

Beachbreak2411 · 06/04/2022 12:40

She cares about you; be happy she does. My mum couldn’t care less if I get anywhere safely. Think she’d sooner get a call to say my plane had crashed.

doris9034 · 06/04/2022 12:50

I'm in my mid 40s. Since i had a serious car accident over 20 years ago, I have to check in with my mum every day - regardless of travelling or not, but on those occasions she is super anxious. Sometimes, if she can't get hold of me she will ring other people to find out where i am, if i'm ok etc.
Its a massive PITA and I wish we could break the cycle, but equally I recognise how getting a call saying your child has been in a near fatal collision must have affected her, so I put up with it ..... I'd say in many cases where parents are like this, it genuinely comes from a place of love and concern rather than control - although when you're on the receiving end it can be hard to make that distinction!

FourChimneys · 06/04/2022 12:56

We don't expect our adult DC to let us know they have arrived but they usually do, just three or four words on the family WhatsApp.

When we drove to Cornwall last year and forgot to tell them we had arrived we got told off.

rhowton · 06/04/2022 13:00

We all share when we are taking off and have landed safe in our family WhatApp group, with pictures of where we are.

MrsPnut · 06/04/2022 13:05

I never let my parents know when I am away and neither do I expect them to do it to me. I do have children, two daughters who do travel independently and I would never put pressure on them. I always wave them off with "have a fantastic time". I don't even usually call DH when I am away unless I need to tell him something.

I'd know if there was a major incident like a plane crash, I'd also have an idea of what carrier they were flying with and where they were going. Worrying and putting pressure on them isn't going to make any differences.

MIL once called during the week asking for DH, she was most put out when I said he was in the States and due back at the weekend because he hadn't told her. He hasn't lived at home for more than 30 years, and I knew where he was.

Dumle · 06/04/2022 13:09

I always text/call my mum, I'm 29 and I think it's sweet that she wants an update. I don't think it's reasonable to think that she should stop worrying about you just because you're an adult. Why is it bothering you so much? She's your mother. It's not very nice of you.

latetothefisting · 06/04/2022 13:13

@bridgetjonesmassivepants

This is totally crazy! It would NEVER have occurred to me to tell my mum I'd got home. What sort of mad, anxiety driven world do you all live in that people are being abducted/killed/in an accident if you don't get a phone call/text? I would point blank refuse, it's controlling. I would never think to ask thud of my children either, it's bizarre.
What kind of mad, hectic world do you live in where taking 5 seconds to type "home safe" is so detrimental to you? There are loads of things my parents do that I wouldn't do myself but if they ask me to do something that is of no detriment to me whatsoever but would make them happy/less worried you'd have to be a real dick to refuse.

if they were asking for a full breakdown of where you were going, what time you were leaving and arriving, take the reg number of the taxi and send it to me,provide details of a contact number for the trip organiser/your hotel etc etc that would be controlling. A 2 second message to say you've arrived safely is just an expression of care!

Fairyliz · 06/04/2022 13:19

How long does it take to type
‘Here x.’ ?
Literally five seconds, so if you go away once per month that’s one minute a year. Surely it’s taken lots longer than that to type your post, read replies and post more information.

latetothefisting · 06/04/2022 13:28

@bridgetjonesmassivepants

This is totally crazy! It would NEVER have occurred to me to tell my mum I'd got home. What sort of mad, anxiety driven world do you all live in that people are being abducted/killed/in an accident if you don't get a phone call/text? I would point blank refuse, it's controlling. I would never think to ask thud of my children either, it's bizarre.
What kind of mad, hectic world do you live in where taking 5 seconds to type "home safe" is so detrimental to you? There are loads of things my parents do that I wouldn't do myself but if they ask me to do something that is of no detriment to me whatsoever but would make them happy/less worried you'd have to be a real dick to refuse.

if they were asking for a full breakdown of where you were going, what time you were leaving and arriving, take the reg number of the taxi and send it to me,provide details of a contact number for the trip organiser/your hotel etc etc that would be controlling. A 2 second message to say you've arrived safely is just an expression of care!

Squiff70 · 06/04/2022 13:43

What the hell did I just read?????

Of course she wants to know you're safe! Just because you're mature and sensible adult doesn't mean she doesn't need to consider you being safe in a foreign country not to be important to her!

My daughter us only two but if she was a sensible adult and travelling I'D want a quick message to let me know she's safe too!

I don't even know how such a simple, natural thing has even triggered a debate! It's just mums doing what mums do! They don't STOP being mums when their children reach adulthood!

NerrSnerr · 06/04/2022 13:45

I find it odd the whole arriving safely thing on a plane. If it had crashed, especially if it's taken off from the UK or arriving in the UK it would be headline news straight away.

My husband is always flying somewhere or other for work, I always assume I'll get a knock on the door if something awful has happened. No point in worrying about what ifs, especially unlikely ones like plane crashes.

Original poster
Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 13:48

@StaplesCorner

I think you've had the full range of opinions on here OP - I had to come on as a few weeks ago I posted in Relationships that I often felt worried about my DD20 at uni; she'd always let me know when she got home, even early evenings, and then if I didn't hear I'd get worried and I wanted to hear of people's experience with their young people - basically I was concerned that I would always be very worried even when she was 30. Like you OP. I didn't really get any discussion or ideas all I got was that I was controlling, I needed to see a doctor, I was ruining her life, if I was a man I'd be classed as abusive and so on. Later in the thread I was saying how often we talk usually by text about things like what we'd had for dinner and our friends etc and apparently this was even worse. Some people were really vitriolic saying that their lives had been ruined by parents asking how they were Shock. Basically a pointless thread as I was none the wiser on whats normal.

In the end I apologised to my DD and said I knew she was capable and would be careful (I'd never suggested she wasn't its not her actions I'm worried about!) and she was quite bemused saying that she really valued someone knowing where she was and checking she'd got home, particularly as her friends didn't have that, so she didn't know why I was apologising but she did appreciate being told that I knew she was careful not to walk home alone late etc.

Then last week there was a thread about little things parents do that you really love and there were people in their 40s, 50s, 60s saying that parents always checked to see if they were home ok or asked after their welfare (also the 2 rings thing which some of us over 50s will recall).

So I suppose the entire point of this preamble is to say you DO mind OP, you hate and resent it. Now maybe my feelings are linked to the fact she tries to be too involved in my life in general and I'm reaching a critical mass of being annoyed about it all - so the issue as I see it is not that she wants to know if you are ok (which the consensus today seems to be is normal) but that you have issues with that. You need to unpack the whole thing again - is it reasonable that a parent wants to know that their child of any age is ok when they are away from home - seems it is - or is it that her anxiety has got worse recently, or is it that you just can't stand her? If its the latter then own it. Do you just dislike her anyway, or is she a thoroughly unpleasant woman and not a good parent?

Going to reply to this best I can as I found your reply really helpful.

I don't hate her, but there are times when I feel I can't stand her. This is because she had problems while I was growing up that meant I didn't always have a normal childhood. I resent that, she has admitted she could've done better as a parent but never apologised.

Now as an adult she overdoes it as though she is making up for that time and wants a very close relationship. So I put time aside to spend with her and we so usually have a nice time, but other times she ruins it with controlling behaviour.

I'd happily go a week or 2 not talking but she contacts me most days. I sometimes feel deeply unhappy that this is how it is now and I just need to put up with that. She doesn't take criticism well.

OP posts:
uncomfortablydumb53 · 06/04/2022 14:19

I do this to my 3 DS's too( even on a motorway journey in Britain( and pay for eldest breakdown cover) My choice for peace of mind

RiaG91 · 06/04/2022 14:20

I think you're being really unreasonable. It's no effort whatsoever to drop a quick message to say you've landed safely.

I do it all the time for my parents, and I'd like to think that my son would let me know that he's arrived safe and sound too.

maddy68 · 06/04/2022 15:09

I'm in my 50s and my mum still does this. I also do this to my adult (capable) daughter. It's a) a way of keeping in touch
B) ensures a night's sleep you still worry when they are adults. Possibly more than when they were children.

It's because they care

redbigbananafeet · 06/04/2022 15:11

My mum says the same when I drive from her home 4 miles away. Be thankful you've a parent that cares enough to worry about you. Others don't.

EasterDecorations · 06/04/2022 15:15

I'm in my 50s and still do this, my parents still check in with me when they travel too. Just a quick "arrived ok" text is enough. We don't keep in daily contact though, it's just for the main journeys. The older we get the more I appreciate that it's just a nice thing to do and not controlling.

Rainbowshit · 06/04/2022 15:21

Huh, I think it's pretty normal to let your parents know you're safe? Mid forties and I always message on our family group chat to let them know I'm safe.

Nelliephant1 · 06/04/2022 15:45

You're miffed about a lot of things with your mum and I get that fully, mine is a true nightmare and I've been diagnosed with complex trauma and cptsd as a result of her treatment of me and her behaviour.

She does this with me and I do message her to let her know I'm ok partly because I know exactly how it feels to worry about children and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but also because I know that as long as I message her, I'm free for a while and my obligations are fulfilled!

My feeling is that you're rebelling which is fair enough, and this is the one thing that you can rebel with. I'm not criticising in the slightest, I know exactly how it feels but by doing this one thing which takes a minute at the most, you can put it out of your head for a while and not second guess when you're going to get the call to make sure you're ok.

DoraSpenlow · 06/04/2022 16:36

We live about a 4 hour drive from where both sets of parents used to live. We always let their phones ring three times to let them know we were home and they used to do the same when they visited us.

DH was 69 when his Mum died (the last parent) and we were still doing it then.

We did have a mutual friend to both families killed in a car accident so that was always at the back of everyone's minds. Just puts people's mind at rest.

Washermother33 · 06/04/2022 16:39

Loads of us do it OP … when my parents passed away I was almost 50 and still sent the ‘home safe’ text