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Original poster

Mother expecting me to let her know I'm 'safe' when travelling

300 replies

Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:10

I'm 30 and spent most of my 20s travelling and living in other countries. This gave me a lot of time and space away from my mother who has always focused on me a bit too much (me being an only child, her a single parent).

I broke up with ex partner 3 years ago and since then every time I fly abroad she asks me to let her know when I get there 'safely' - and once when I didn't genuinely thought I might've been kidnapped. I've went along with this but now as I'm about to go on a trip and I think there is no reason to have to do this.

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger? AIBU to basically tell her I'll no longer let her know when I arrive in places to assuage her own anxieties?

OP posts:

11stonesomething · 06/04/2022 10:51

This reply has been deleted

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

WarmCrossBun · 06/04/2022 10:53

My mum developed this habit, asking me to text when I've landed safely. Once I arrived in the evening on holiday and didn't text so she stayed up all night.. WTF. My mum uses guilt as a currency though, it's how she operates, always has. after that I told her to stop being ridiculous, I'm in my 40's and won't be checking in.

I can kind of understand if mothers/daughters have a close relationship but I go weeks with contact (more guilt).

StaplesCorner · 06/04/2022 11:05

I think you've had the full range of opinions on here OP - I had to come on as a few weeks ago I posted in Relationships that I often felt worried about my DD20 at uni; she'd always let me know when she got home, even early evenings, and then if I didn't hear I'd get worried and I wanted to hear of people's experience with their young people - basically I was concerned that I would always be very worried even when she was 30. Like you OP. I didn't really get any discussion or ideas all I got was that I was controlling, I needed to see a doctor, I was ruining her life, if I was a man I'd be classed as abusive and so on. Later in the thread I was saying how often we talk usually by text about things like what we'd had for dinner and our friends etc and apparently this was even worse. Some people were really vitriolic saying that their lives had been ruined by parents asking how they were . Basically a pointless thread as I was none the wiser on whats normal.

In the end I apologised to my DD and said I knew she was capable and would be careful (I'd never suggested she wasn't its not her actions I'm worried about!) and she was quite bemused saying that she really valued someone knowing where she was and checking she'd got home, particularly as her friends didn't have that, so she didn't know why I was apologising but she did appreciate being told that I knew she was careful not to walk home alone late etc.

Then last week there was a thread about little things parents do that you really love and there were people in their 40s, 50s, 60s saying that parents always checked to see if they were home ok or asked after their welfare (also the 2 rings thing which some of us over 50s will recall).

So I suppose the entire point of this preamble is to say you DO mind OP, you hate and resent it. Now maybe my feelings are linked to the fact she tries to be too involved in my life in general and I'm reaching a critical mass of being annoyed about it all - so the issue as I see it is not that she wants to know if you are ok (which the consensus today seems to be is normal) but that you have issues with that. You need to unpack the whole thing again - is it reasonable that a parent wants to know that their child of any age is ok when they are away from home - seems it is - or is it that her anxiety has got worse recently, or is it that you just can't stand her? If its the latter then own it. Do you just dislike her anyway, or is she a thoroughly unpleasant woman and not a good parent?

Dancer47 · 06/04/2022 11:07

Why wouldn't you tell her you have arrived safely? Why make a thing about it? It takes a minute to do. I always do it for my parents and I'm over 50 - it's just manners and consideration. She's your parent and wants to know you are safe. Honestly she can't win!

NippyWoowoo · 06/04/2022 11:15

@Chilledchablis1

You might feel differently when you have DC !

I've seen this sentiment a few times throughout this thread and it's tiring.

A woman does not need to have children in order to hold a particular view.

And you may disagree with me on my next point but the tone of this message is also used to be insulting ie 'you think differently to me? You CLEARLY don't have children'. Having children is not a weapon

CannibalQueen · 06/04/2022 11:20

My whole family, gran (my mum), sister, me, daughter, do this whenever a journey, even between houses in towns, are undertaken. For instance, I live in one city an hour away from my sister, but we drop a message or a quick call to let the other know we got in safely. It's not a bad thing. Your mum just likes to know you're safe. Go along with it and don't take umbrage. It's a 20 second call or text but it'll mean a lot to her.

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/04/2022 11:32

NippyWoowoo

Chilledchablis1
You might feel differently when you have DC !

I've seen this sentiment a few times throughout this thread and it's tiring.

A woman does not need to have children in order to hold a particular view. “

You sort of do when the question is regarding a parent wanting to be told their child has arrived somewhere safely.

TheSummerPalace · 06/04/2022 11:32

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger?

No, I wanted to know DS in his 30s got to the US safely last week, although I just asked DDIL, rather than text him!

MIL always wants to know we have got home safely, after visiting her - it’s 3 - 5 hour journey home, and we are middle aged!

I thought it’s normal for families, including sons!

Georgeskitchen · 06/04/2022 11:34

I'm guessing you have no children. If you did, you would know why your mum does this

ProseccoStorm · 06/04/2022 11:35

I always text my Mum and MIL when we get somewhere safely. And they do the same for me.

Standard and completely normal in my experience

UltimateIrritant · 06/04/2022 11:38

My mum is 90, and if she doesn't know we are all safe she worries. A lot!

She always has done and it has got worse as she's got older.

Nothing is going to change her mindset after all this time - therapy or drugs

I wouldn't want to put her through the mental anguish - with physical side issues, because why would I do that to anyone, let alone someone I love?

I can't change her, although it's annoying, and for the sake of a quick text I can alleviate her worries.

Anxiety doesn't have to be based on real or actual threats either. The fact that your a grown woman and have never come to harm will not change her reaction .

Be a grown woman and recognise that she probably can't help, it's not pleasant but you can make it all go away for her by a quick text.

okayigetit · 06/04/2022 11:38

YABU. I always tell my mum when I've arrived somewhere safely, I'm 27, she doesn't expect me to say instantly as soon as I'm off the plane, but at some point. My sisters do the same and I also ask my mum and dad to let me know when they arrived safely somewhere. I also ask my bf to let me know when he arrives safely.. I thought it was normal

Dahlia444 · 06/04/2022 11:42

The majority of this thread is illogical and bizarre imo. My kids are most likely to be knocked off their bikes on the way to college/uni than a plane fall out of the sky. As parents surely we have to learn to live with the knowledge that our grown dc are moving around their local area/the world and we will not know they're safe 24/7. Isn't that just normal life? I have a great relationship with my parents and in-laws but in fact they are much more likely to say 'we won't expect to hear from you when you're away' as dont we go on holiday to get away from it all. Reading this has been really bizarre for me. OP even without the controlling over involved parents yanbu.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 06/04/2022 11:43

@Georgeskitchen

I'm guessing you have no children. If you did, you would know why your mum does this

I have a son and I know why my mum does this. I know her anger is because she loves me. Knowing why she does this doesn't mean I have to go along with it, and does not justify her anger with me when I fail to be her dutiful daughter.

My dad does not do this. This does not make me think he loves and worries about me less than my mum does. (They are divorced)

Visiting one's anxiety on one's children is not reasonable.

StampOnTheGround · 06/04/2022 11:46

I would always still say when I'd arrived safely abroad, it's takes a second to type landed or made it to the hotel... what is the big deal?

ThoseTallTrees · 06/04/2022 11:52

I also have this and I hate hate hate it. For me it’s the underlying assumption (which my DM has a long history of) that everything I do is risky and likely to end in disaster.

For this reason I never say “Travel safely” to my DC or “let me know when you get there.” I trust them to look after themselves and that the world is full of opportunities and not imminent disaster and plane crashes. I say “Have a fab time!” Or “Send me a photo of the view!”

So IMO YANBU.

Calennig · 06/04/2022 11:55

@Georgeskitchen

I'm guessing you have no children. If you did, you would know why your mum does this

I have teenagers - so I assume I'm allowed a view.

There is a balance - I know roughly where they are but I'm not not demanding constant reassurance.

The OP feels it's an issue - it's part of a wider pattern of behavior - she also knows her mother and her prior behavior. I feel comments like this are just aother version of "be kind" or shut up thrown at women.

In my case I pushed back and got everyone to a better place with expectations - so IME it is possible - doesn't mean it's always possible but there's a lot of posters telling OP just to accept the behavior despite it's impact on her - which I think is unhelpful.

Gilead · 06/04/2022 11:57

My dc are 37,27 25x2
Two of each.
Always ask them to check in and are always happy to do so.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 06/04/2022 11:59

DD now asks me to let her know when I’m home safely. Really sweet (I think)

Mrsjayy · 06/04/2022 12:05

She will worry about you forever surely you can take 5 minutes out of your day to send her a message that you have arrived! I have a adult Dds and they always message if they are travelling, I don't demand it I'm not controlling or even overly worried, its just nice to hear they have got "there" safely,.

yaboreme · 06/04/2022 12:09

I'm 35 and still text my parents to say I've arrived safe.

I hope my son does the same....it's only a text. Regardless of sex, she just wants to know you are ok.

TenRedThings · 06/04/2022 12:11

It comes with menopause. I actually thing woman are preprogrammed to be increasingly anxious as they age. Maybe as a matriarch to a family it was natures way of protecting the tribe. Nowadays it's perceived as interfering and neurotic. I certainly have to curb my natural desire to protect my adult children. Just as it's their nature to live as autonomous adults and not have to taken onboard their worried mum's anxieties. A bit of love and understanding both ways is needed.

NippyWoowoo · 06/04/2022 12:13

@MrsSkylerWhite

NippyWoowoo

Chilledchablis1
You might feel differently when you have DC !

I've seen this sentiment a few times throughout this thread and it's tiring.

A woman does not need to have children in order to hold a particular view. “

You sort of do when the question is regarding a parent wanting to be told their child has arrived somewhere safely.

No, you don't.

NippyWoowoo · 06/04/2022 12:15

@Georgeskitchen

I'm guessing you have no children. If you did, you would know why your mum does this

And another one 😂 I don't have children yet understand why my mother would want to know.

But I also know the relationship with my mother. If OP's mother is controlling it paints a very different picture.

As I said unthread, I think it's wise to always keep someone informed of your whereabouts if travelling solo. It does not have to be OP's mother.

daddysboi · 06/04/2022 12:17

Difficult one. Would talk to her and try and explain the situation, and that you now need that independence, and then try and move towards that

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