Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Mother expecting me to let her know I'm 'safe' when travelling

300 replies

Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:10

I'm 30 and spent most of my 20s travelling and living in other countries. This gave me a lot of time and space away from my mother who has always focused on me a bit too much (me being an only child, her a single parent).

I broke up with ex partner 3 years ago and since then every time I fly abroad she asks me to let her know when I get there 'safely' - and once when I didn't genuinely thought I might've been kidnapped. I've went along with this but now as I'm about to go on a trip and I think there is no reason to have to do this.

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger? AIBU to basically tell her I'll no longer let her know when I arrive in places to assuage her own anxieties?

OP posts:
KneadingKitty · 06/04/2022 09:55

She can't make you do it. You either do or you don't. She will be sat in panic/fear until you do though. It depends whether you're ok with that. She isn't just going to change if this is a long-term problem.

I have this problem too, just this week I ask my children's father to let me know they'd arrived safe on holiday. It's not about control just about wanting to know my children were OK and I could breathe a sigh of relief knowing they were going to be having fun now.

sugarapplelane · 06/04/2022 09:57

My MIL likes to know when we've arrived at our destination or home after a trip away, but surprisingly she never lets us know when she's home!

HomeHomeInTheRange · 06/04/2022 09:57

[quote QuebecBagnet]@HomeHomeInTheRange she only wanted £10 for the car park. So I risked it. 😁[/quote]
What are they like! Grin

Original poster
Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 09:58

@TooMuchPaper

Do both of you have WhatsApp with 'last seen' active? When mine are away a quick look at that lets me know they are alive!
No - I got rid it because she would sometimes demand to know why I hadn't replied because she knew I had read the message but not replied immediately.

I removed the option entirely about a year ago so she doesn't see when I've been online etc as it would likely be monitored.

OP posts:
HomeHomeInTheRange · 06/04/2022 10:00

@KneadingKitty

She can't make you do it. You either do or you don't. She will be sat in panic/fear until you do though. It depends whether you're ok with that. She isn't just going to change if this is a long-term problem.

I have this problem too, just this week I ask my children's father to let me know they'd arrived safe on holiday. It's not about control just about wanting to know my children were OK and I could breathe a sigh of relief knowing they were going to be having fun now.

Breathe a sigh of relief? Where were they holidaying, that the journey had you holding your breath?
Fraaahnces · 06/04/2022 10:01

@Lucia23… my parents barely knew I was alive. Occasionally I was wheeled out if it suited their agenda, but I didn’t exist at all. In fact, my dad gave me a big lecture about choosing subjects for future studies, growing up, finding a path in life, etc… telling me that I needed to work harder at school, etc… I was 27 and had lived in Europe for several years (from Aus, so entirely different time zone!) and had a degree and a scholarship. I laughed in his face.
While I won’t stalk my kids, or implant tracking devices, I DO worry about them and want them to be safe. I need to hear their voices.

Cookiecrumble22 · 06/04/2022 10:04

Wish my mum cared enough to give a shit.

I ask both my adult children to let me know they are OK. And that's just on a bus journey. I want to know they are safe because I care about them and love them.

yellowsuninthesky · 06/04/2022 10:05

Not RTFT but when I go on holiday I text my mum to say I've landed safely at both ends. I am 50 and she is 83 Grin

It's the time of a text "safely arrived xx" is it really that difficult to do?

Years ago I had a boyfriend who though his mum was overanxious because she expected him to phone her to say he'd arrived to places safely. Phoning can be a bit of a chore but a text is so easy. I do think the tracking apps are completely over the top though.

yellowsuninthesky · 06/04/2022 10:06

Breathe a sigh of relief? Where were they holidaying, that the journey had you holding your breath

probably just the journey - accidents happen

ThePlantsitter · 06/04/2022 10:06

I do think as a parent it's completely normal to worry about your kids (and I'm an anxious person so I get it). But it's also your job as a parent to manage that anxiety yourself without hampering your kids growth and independence. It is not their job to assuage your worry. The text itself changes nothing about how safe they are, that's just magical thinking. We have to get used to the idea we can't control our kids' environment once they're not with us and demanding proof of life after every flight is sort of trying to still do that. Obviously it's harmless enough if it stops there and is mutually agreed but when it isn't the child is perfectly within their rights to say no.

yellowsuninthesky · 06/04/2022 10:07

I agree with you op it’s draining having to constantly remember to do this

of course it isn't. It's a simple text after a long journey. How often does the OP fly to make it onerous? Every day? Even if it's once a week which would be highly unusual, it's still only one text a week.

yellowsuninthesky · 06/04/2022 10:10

The text itself changes nothing about how safe they are, that's just magical thinking

well it does reassure you that the plane didn't crash. I know you'd probably find out on the news if it did, but a few seconds sending a text saves the concern. I really can't understand the problem with this.

And as for it being "draining" - please don't be so insulting towards those who really do have do things that are draining.

Calennig · 06/04/2022 10:13

She will be sat in panic/fear until you do though. It depends whether you're ok with that. She isn't just going to change if this is a long-term problem.

And that's why I put up with it for so long - guilt and fear they'd be sat worrying.

I had couple of moments - me super stressed trying to get call done quickly kids and DH needing me needing to get other things done - getting upset and stressed and parents insisting it was a sign we should never have done the trip just like they said - but refusing to end the call despite my efforts - refusing to do some thinsg kids and DH would have liked and made out lives easier as knew they were waiting for the call.

Turned out when I did stop pandering they weren't sat quivering wrecks waiting for my call they got on with their lives - and actually phoning next day when we were all calm was better for them as well as us.

SprayedWithDettol · 06/04/2022 10:16

My mother is very similar. I have to double ring when I get home from visiting her, every week!!
OP just remember that whist your mother is a small part of your busy life, you are, most likely, a huge part of her narrow life.

AnxiousSquirrel · 06/04/2022 10:26

Me and my mum always ask each other to message when we've arrived safely if traveling, she's in her 60s, I'm nearly 30, it's normal to worry about a loved one, you may be an adult but to her you'll always be her little girl. Just send her a message, it only takes a minute

SimpleShootingWeekend · 06/04/2022 10:30

It’s pretty normal but I remember thinking my grandma was BATSHIT when I was a kid because we had to “two rings” her when we got home. This included all of her 4 sons, well into their 60/70s. I don’t think it’s batshit now because, like most people, an anxiety that “something” can happen does tend to creep in as you get older. Other people are allowed weird mental health quirks too. Maybe your closeness as a teenager in that single parent- only child dynamic, followed by your decade of absence means you are having your adolescent “your so annoying- go away” period now instead.

Theo1756 · 06/04/2022 10:30

It must be so hard for you to just send a text when you land or get to the hotel. Harder still that your mum just wants to check you are ok. Much better to just let her worry so you can get those 5 seconds back in your life. I’m nearly 40 and my mum asks me to text her if I go somewhere that is more than around 3 hours away. It also has nothing to do with my gender. You are being utterly ridiculous

MrsSkylerWhite · 06/04/2022 10:33

What’s wrong with that? Rather she didn’t care?

Our adult kids always let us know they’ve arrived somewhere re, as we do them.

What an odd thing to get arsey about.

Lesperance · 06/04/2022 10:41

My MIL used to do this, it would drive me insane. We ended up not telling her when we were going places. Much easier. I think part of my feeling on this was that there were two of us though.

Jillyfernilly · 06/04/2022 10:41

I always do this with some close friends/ family.

We worry about each other...

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 06/04/2022 10:43

A lot of people commenting have no experience of a controlling parent using “small normal things” as control tool.

Sparkletastic · 06/04/2022 10:45

I think it is fine to tell her you are not willing to do this any more. Can you also agree on what you are willing to do? ie quick text / email / call once a week / once a month so she knows where she stands.

Calennig · 06/04/2022 10:46

@Roundeartheratchriatmas

A lot of people commenting have no experience of a controlling parent using “small normal things” as control tool.
I agree.

The OP posts have made it clear it's part of a bigger pattern - she deleted apps becuase she worried about her internet use being monitored by her mother.

Unforgettablefire · 06/04/2022 10:47

I’m the same with my daughter. Doesn’t matter how old you are your babies are your babies and you always like to know they’re safe. I think kids are more worry when they’re grown than when they’re little and you can keep them close.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 06/04/2022 10:49

I know exactly what it is like.

Yes it can be normal. But when used as part of a bigger pattern and as a means of control it becomes not normal.

Normal people do this but they don’t have the constant trying to find ways out of and working around the controlling person.

I’ve learned never ever to give my mother any information however harmless about my personal life as it will lead to the Spanish Inquisition. Where am I going, who with until what time. Who is this person - am I sleeping with them etc etc.

If you try and give a little they then want more unfortunately.

Swipe left for the next trending thread