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Original poster

Mother expecting me to let her know I'm 'safe' when travelling

300 replies

Lucia23 · 06/04/2022 08:10

I'm 30 and spent most of my 20s travelling and living in other countries. This gave me a lot of time and space away from my mother who has always focused on me a bit too much (me being an only child, her a single parent).

I broke up with ex partner 3 years ago and since then every time I fly abroad she asks me to let her know when I get there 'safely' - and once when I didn't genuinely thought I might've been kidnapped. I've went along with this but now as I'm about to go on a trip and I think there is no reason to have to do this.

In a way I think I also resent it because would she talk to a son like this or is it because I'm a woman and seen as subject to danger? AIBU to basically tell her I'll no longer let her know when I arrive in places to assuage her own anxieties?

OP posts:
FelicityFidget · 06/04/2022 16:42

She loves you.

Just send the text.

MeridasMum · 06/04/2022 16:53

I assume those saying, "she's your mum, it's normal, just do it" have (or had) 'normal' relationships with their DPs. The OP has said her DM is controlling, was not a good mum and has never apologised for her actions and now has decided they are to be close.

It may not be the hill to die on for many of us but the OP should not feel forced to give these 'normal' updates when they don't have a 'normal' relationship.

OP I too have a controlling DM who was a shitty parent and insists we are super-close now. There are SO many things I'd like to fix but sometimes it's the little rebellions and boundaries which help us cope with the relationship.

Either do it for the easy life or make a stand (but be aware that making a stand is likely to bring up lots of other issues!) Good luck Thanks

Cluelessasacucumber · 06/04/2022 19:50

OP you've had a hard time on here from people who havent bothered to read your updates!

Letting someone know you've arrived safely is pretty normal, but it becomes an issue when it's part of a bigger pattern of behaviours. My DM has periods of significant anxiety and at bad times it has escalated to things like calling at totally inappropriate hours because shes become convinced that I've been involved in a very specific scenario, or on a couple of occasions actually sabotaging an opportunity I had lined up because she believed something terrible would happen. Sometimes I've felt held hostage by guilt that I'll "cause" her to worry, when I'm just living my life. She needs the check-in texts like a drug addict needs their next fix. I know she loves me beyond measure, but this isnt healthy.

I've learnt to manage it with routine and setting clear expectations. So I will contact her when I've arrived, but I will tell her before hand that I'll do so once I've settled in so she should not expect to hear from me immediately. I have a regular day to call her when we make time for a good chat, but contact is minimal in between and she understands that's because I'm busy and she gets on with her life too. I also limit what I tell her generally, particularly with regards to upcoming plans. If she is projecting anxiety on to me - e.g. "Oh you sound stressed, oh I can tell you are worried so perhaps you shouldn't do it" - I am quick to dismantle this - "No, mum, you are mistaken, I am not stressed, I am looking forward to this". I shut down conversations that aren't helpful.

I'd say we have a good relationship now and I enjoy the time we spend together. Putting in place boundaries has made that possible and I genuinely believe its helped both mine and her mental health.

ServantofthePeople · 06/04/2022 23:31

This

“I get it OP. My mum is highly anxious and will heavily discourage anything I want to do that might cause her anxiety. I've spent my entire life trying not to 'worry mum ' and feel horribly guilty if I do anything that I know she'll worry about which is usually normal things like going on holiday. I hate 'having ' to text her when I arrive because I know she'll be worrying if I don't do it PDQ after landing, so I feel stressed and guilty until I've done it. I get its a normal thing in many families but its a huge trigger for me that reminds me of how she tries to control me to soothe her anxiety.”

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 06/04/2022 23:32

YABU

Cass00877 · 06/04/2022 23:41

I also travelled a lot in my 20s and my mum was this this..also an only child so she was very focused on me and a bit over bearing to be honest. However…since having kids I do now get it. I get paranoid when my husband takes the kids on long car journeys and think they’re all going to die in a car crash. Fortunately for everyone I don’t voice these anxieties as I know how annoying it is!

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 06/04/2022 23:48

THATS what mums do, they worry. Is awful to have a loving mother who just wants you to take five seconds out of your day to let her know your alive. After all Im sure she has done for you surely you could do this for her, however much an inconvenience it is for you

ServantofthePeople · 06/04/2022 23:52

Interesting thread!

My son called me from Uni once during his 8 week term and thanked me for giving him space.

People who’ve never seen anxiety weaponised will struggle to understand but I’m so proud I’ve broken the chain of weaponised anxiety in my family

Moodycow78 · 07/04/2022 07:16

I take it you've not got children yourself, if you ever do you'll then understand. Doesn't matter how old or capable you are, you're her baby and she's terrified everytime you go away. Just send her the flipping text and stop worrying about nothing. You'll miss this when she's gone, they'll be a day no-one asks you to let them know you arrived safely.

Whattodoniw · 07/04/2022 07:21

[quote Lucia23]@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor problem is she has some kind of undiagnosed anxiety.

Once years ago my dad forgot to tell her know we had got somewhere safe and she phoned the police! It makes me feel like I'm feeding her anxiety.[/quote]

Trust me. This is horrendous for the sufferer of anxiety and it would not go amiss for you to show at least so w empathy and kindness towards your Mum.

It's a lonely and scary place having mental health issues and really can be incredibly terrifying and debilitating.

Whilst I am not in your situation, and I do understand it can be difficult, but your posts do come across as rather cold in all honesty.

IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 07/04/2022 07:22

I always text my parents to say I’ve landed or arrived - I’m 47. They also do the same for me and I expect my boys to do the same. Controlling? No. Caring? Yes. My partners mum asks him to phone her when he gets home after visiting her an hours drive away! - he’s in his 50’s and he does it because he know it will put her mind at peace. I really don’t think you’re being very kind to your mum by not letting her k is you’re safe, she’s your mum, she will always worry - it’s what us mums do.

Whattodoniw · 07/04/2022 07:23

@stripeyflowers

Be thankful you have someone in your life who cares about enough to worry about your well being and safety. Many people don't have this privilege.

This 👆👆👆👆👆

Cervinia · 07/04/2022 07:23

We all do this without asking, a text before boarding and once when landed.

Londonnight · 07/04/2022 07:25

I still do this for my mum [ I'm now in my 60's ]. My adult children do it for me too. A quick text takes seconds.

alexdgr8 · 07/04/2022 07:32

@Soontobe60

You are your mother’s child. Always will be, despite being a grown woman. I can’t understand why you wouldn’t just send her a quick message to let her know you’ve arrived safely especially knowing that she’s going to be anxious until she gets that message. It seems somewhat cruel to not do so.
exactly. it is immature and selfish not to consider her feelings. this seems like a typical teenage mentality. i'd have expected you to have grown up by age 30. why not simply relieve her of that anxiety. she is your mother who raised you, there is so little we can control in terms of others' suffering. this little thing is easy to do. why not do it with a good grace. you take her love for granted. give some back.
Appliancedesparation · 07/04/2022 07:39

I think it's normal. We all do it in our (not at all anxious) family. It used to be the three rings thing before mobile phones.
Taking one minute to send a text is hardly onerous.

ServantofthePeople · 07/04/2022 08:02

You cannot relieve pathological anxiety by “feeding” it.

Weaponised anxiety is pretty evil frankly. It takes all the strength from its victims - who are multiple.

Well-meaning outsiders assuring the principal sufferer that they are “just being normal for a mother” make things worse.

If you haven’t lived it, you won’t easily understand. Weaponised anxiety takes love and turns it against those who love and are loved.

I love my mother-in-law because she tells me she feels much of the anxiety my mother does but expresses only faith and confidence in her children and grandchildren.

Soontobe60 · 07/04/2022 08:04

@ServantofthePeople

You cannot relieve pathological anxiety by “feeding” it.

Weaponised anxiety is pretty evil frankly. It takes all the strength from its victims - who are multiple.

Well-meaning outsiders assuring the principal sufferer that they are “just being normal for a mother” make things worse.

If you haven’t lived it, you won’t easily understand. Weaponised anxiety takes love and turns it against those who love and are loved.

I love my mother-in-law because she tells me she feels much of the anxiety my mother does but expresses only faith and confidence in her children and grandchildren.

Eh?
ServantofthePeople · 07/04/2022 08:07

See above: if you haven’t lived it, you won’t easily understand.

Look up coercive control then imagine the parent-child equivalent if you want

NippyWoowoo · 07/04/2022 08:17

Be thankful you have someone in your life who cares about enough to worry about your well being and safety. Many people don't have this privilege.

And they're probably better off for it. Not everyone has a great relationship with their mothers, there are enough threads on here about this. Surprised that these comments still get made tbh; but then again some of you live in an alternate reality

AnyCakeButBattenburg · 07/04/2022 08:26

She's being a caring mother. My sons are 40 and 38 but I ask them to text me when they've got to a place (I mean abroad or somewhere that involves hours of driving). You sound like a petulant teenager.

chaosrabbitland · 07/04/2022 08:26

im an only child and my mum was similar to yours at times .but when i travelled i still gave a quick ring to let her know i was ok .i think its courtesy and id expect the same of my dd when she gets to that age.
by all means push black against other controĺling aspects. but i wouldn't make this an issue

ServantofthePeople · 07/04/2022 08:37

“I broke up with ex partner 3 years ago and since then ....”

My mother does this too. I am “protected” by marriage but with my single siblings she goes in harder.

It’s a way of expressing her disappointment in them

Original poster
Lucia23 · 07/04/2022 08:48

I grew up with a mother that had addiction problems but in a high functioning way so because it wasn't obvious to others I felt very alone at times. I'm not 'cold' as you put it, I have lasting resentment towards an at times difficult childhood.

And surprise surprise I also struggle with mental health issues. It isn't up to other people to assuage your anxieties your whole life, although they can empathise. The right thing to do is to seek help when needed and find ways to manage those feelings - not rely on your child to do it for you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lucia23 · 07/04/2022 08:51

Woops meant to tag @Whattodoniw

This thread has been really interesting. I was surprised to learn so many people do this - I think if shows people are mostly caring but also very superstitious to be honest.

Most people here do it for getting on a plane but not other modes of transport even though it is one of the safest ways to travel.

OP posts: