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Original poster

Would you see this as a fake wedding, be annoyed?

293 replies

brideeventually · 05/04/2022 00:07

We've planned a fairly small last minute wedding unfortunately being so last minute the registrar is only available at 4pm and we want to get married much earlier in the day. We are happy to get a celebrant and do the legal bit the week after just us in the registry office for 50 odd quid, doesn't make it any less of a wedding day for us but I'm worried some of our guests who have had legal weddings will notice it isn't and perhaps be annoyed at the travel/expense for a 'fake' wedding?

OP posts:
Carrotinabox · 05/04/2022 10:15

4pm is perfect! If guests want to travel down on the day, they can, and that'll help with money. Maybe pay for an early check in for them which would help them get ready, and have some lunch/nibbles ready?
If that were me as a guest, I'd spend the morning on a walk/at the gym, have a nice brunch, then get ready at my leisure.

OP, you sound very thoughtful about this, but remember it's your day and you're very much allowed to think about what works for you too.

ikeepseeingit · 05/04/2022 10:22

A wedding is a celebration of marriage as far as I’m concerned. There’s no problem at all splitting the two. I did have a 4pm wedding. Guests arrived at 3:30 which was stated on the invite. I had a reception dinner at 5:30 and evening guests arrived at 8. All finished by 1am 😁 I loved my wedding, but it was exact what I wanted. Go for exactly what you want OP. No need to compromise.

KosherDill · 05/04/2022 10:24

Yes, I would see it as staged.

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Weddings
KosherDill · 05/04/2022 10:29

@AlJalilia

I would take the 4pm slot. Much better for guests, anyway. You could go straight from the ceremony to the reception.
Agree.

It's so frustrating to devote an entire day to a wedding. People have other things that they need to do on weekends.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/04/2022 10:31

Go for it, you'd want to be a right miserable bastard to actually think anything of it

FateHasRedesignedMost · 05/04/2022 10:33

It won’t be a wedding unless you’re getting married on the day, so I’d call it a celebration or yes it does sound fake.

For a wedding people often travel, stay in hotels, give lavish gifts etc… there’s a risk people will think you’re trying to make out it’s something it’s not.

Especially if you plan to wear white and dress/behave like a bride, have photos etc… it feels a bit false without the actual marriage ceremony!

mistermagpie · 05/04/2022 10:33

If do the 4pm slot, my first wedding was at 5pm and we just went straight into the meal/party - no standing about for ages for photos and all that. 4pm is actually a really good time, guests can have their lunch and all that as normal and still have plenty of time to get ready.

I wouldn't really see it as a fake wedding though, I'm going to one in the summer where the B&G have been married for nearly a year already but are doing the whole white wedding performance as well - now thats a fake wedding!

KosherDill · 05/04/2022 10:36

@AmperoBlue

4pm is a brilliant time to get married!

Gives everyone the chance to eat lie in, eat lunch and get ready. Much happier guests.
They’ll all be eating and drinking again at 7pm so no one has hours of hanging around whilst you faff with photos.

Agree.

Have lunch with wedding party and parents if an all day do is desired but for most guests a ceremony, drink and dinner is plenty. Few people really want to devote 16 hours (including getting ready and transportation) to someone else's wedding.

KosherDill · 05/04/2022 10:37

@Everydaydayisaschoolday

My BIL did something similar. They got legally married in the country they live in with only two witnesses. Then sometime later they had a full church wedding in the U.K. with guests flying in all from all over the world. Only a very few close relatives (siblings and one set of parents) knew that the couple were already married.

It was a wonderful day and a good time was had by all but I do wonder of people would have made the effort to travel thousands of miles if they had known it was a blessing and celebration rather than a 'proper wedding'.

I wouldn't and believe lying to guests is reprehensible. Inviting under false pretenses.
AryaStarkWolf · 05/04/2022 10:37

It's so frustrating to devote an entire day to a wedding. People have other things that they need to do on weekends.

How many weddings do you actually get invited to though? If it was every second weekend then you might have a point but most people might have one or two a year at the very most, if it's such a massive ordeal for you why not say no ffs

Felicity42 · 05/04/2022 10:39

I'd go and do the legal bit beforehand definitely to get that out of the way. Do it whenever suits and a way that doesn't stress you out trying to fit it. Even if it's weeks before that's fine!
Nobody will care when you signed the papers.
As you say if there's kids at the wedding you don't want to be hanging around all day to get started. But definitely do the legals before and not after. Very sorry for your loss Flowers

KosherDill · 05/04/2022 10:40

@AvengingGerbil

4pm is the perfect time for a wedding. Nobody, other than the bride/groom wants to spend more than eight hours at one, so 4pm to midnight is quite long enough.
Remember the days when the bride & groom changed and left early, eager to be alone together? Departing in a hail of festive congratulations instead of bedraggled and drunk at the tail end of a looong party.
LuckyWithMyLot · 05/04/2022 10:40

We did this as we got married abroad.

It didn't cross my mind for a second that our ceremony with 80 people was a "fake marriage".

To us, the registry office was a boring necessity and the celebration was our wedding.

No one mentioned the lack of registrar /officiant at the wedding ceremony; who really cares?

OrangeUmbrella · 05/04/2022 10:40

Quite simply it’s your wedding and you can do it however you want. Some of these responses are ridiculous about “deceiving guests” - it’s an honour to be invited to someone’s wedding and anyone who sits there picking it apart shouldn’t be invited. Do whatever you want and don’t over explain to anyone.

KosherDill · 05/04/2022 10:42

@brideeventually

If we do the legal bit the day before on our way up to the venue can I then still call it my wedding without it being a 'lie?' I just don't want to call it a celebration it's my wedding Sad
It's not your wedding either way. The registry bit is.
AlexaShutUp · 05/04/2022 10:44

How many weddings do you actually get invited to though? If it was every second weekend then you might have a point but most people might have one or two a year at the very most, if it's such a massive ordeal for you why not say no ffs

I think this depends on so many factors, including age, culture, social circle. DH comes from a culture where weddings are very big and lots of people get invited. We get at least 2 or 3 invitations each month, sometimes more. We do say no to most of them, but we often feel pressured to attend.

Letsbekindplease · 05/04/2022 10:46

4pm? I’d love that. I think if people are happy to celebrate with you they won’t care if it’s fake or not. I wouldn’t use the word fake though. Lots of people go to a registry office a week after to make it “official” but that’s not the one they rave about. Try not to worry

KosherDill · 05/04/2022 10:48

@Dixiechickonhols

I think it’s more acceptable to marry the day or week before and then invite people to celebrate your marriage. I do think you need to say. We went to a humanist outdoor ceremony for a friend of DH and I knew it wasn’t legal (not sure if law changed but at time you couldn’t marry outdoors) the celebrant announced they had married the day before but they consider this their wedding day (I don’t think they can mislead) and there was a real deflation in room it was awkward. But they had worded invites as a wedding so it caught people by suprise.
Right.

People DO care whether they are seeing the real transition. Be honest so guests can accept or decline based on what really will / will not take place.

KosherDill · 05/04/2022 10:50

@Hariboqueen1

To me a wedding is about love and a couple promising to each other that they will spend their lives together. I dont understand the people who think signing a bit of paper is a wedding. No its signing abit a bit of paper.
Well if the "bit of paper" doesn't matter, why do it at all?
AryaStarkWolf · 05/04/2022 10:53

@AlexaShutUp

How many weddings do you actually get invited to though? If it was every second weekend then you might have a point but most people might have one or two a year at the very most, if it's such a massive ordeal for you why not say no ffs

I think this depends on so many factors, including age, culture, social circle. DH comes from a culture where weddings are very big and lots of people get invited. We get at least 2 or 3 invitations each month, sometimes more. We do say no to most of them, but we often feel pressured to attend.

Ok well that's a lot, how would you even afford that!? The last wedding I went to was 2 years ago. I guess I'm at that age where all my siblings and friends are married already though, probably in the next couple of years my kids, nieces and nephews will start to get married.
Housetreecar · 05/04/2022 10:58

I couldn't even begin to care. There are a right bunch of miseries on here. It makes no difference. BTW 4pm is a perfect time for a wedding, all day ones are so boring.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/04/2022 11:01

@Housetreecar

I couldn't even begin to care. There are a right bunch of miseries on here. It makes no difference. BTW 4pm is a perfect time for a wedding, all day ones are so boring.
There are a right bunch of miseries on here.

There really are, wouldn't even cross my mind to think anything of it, some strange people on here

Hugasauras · 05/04/2022 11:01

A lot of the views expressed on mumsnet imply that being asked to attend a wedding
Of any kind is the greatest imposition. But honestly we’ve spent a great deal of money, time and trouble to go to some of our nearest and dearest and never begrudged any of it - as long as you make it clear you appreciate your guests and put a bit of thought into making sure they are well catered for, most people will genuinely just be happy to be there on such an important day and celebrate with you.

This. Only on MN have I seen people so ready to be offended and think the worst of people when it comes to weddings.

FuzzyPenguin · 05/04/2022 11:03

In my social circle it’s quite common to get legal married on a different day as our church is a old warehouse so not listed as a legal place you can get married so to legally get married there you need to pay for the register to attend as well.

For us we got legally married 2 days before wore normal clothes didn’t do rings and there was no kissing of the bride moment.

Our wedding was when we made our vows before God and family. No body feels cheated they missed the legal bit.

Hatinafield · 05/04/2022 11:12

Can’t you all spend the day together, have a special lunch and then see the ceremony at 4pm as the culmination? I think that sounds lovely.