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Original poster

Would you see this as a fake wedding, be annoyed?

293 replies

brideeventually · 05/04/2022 00:07

We've planned a fairly small last minute wedding unfortunately being so last minute the registrar is only available at 4pm and we want to get married much earlier in the day. We are happy to get a celebrant and do the legal bit the week after just us in the registry office for 50 odd quid, doesn't make it any less of a wedding day for us but I'm worried some of our guests who have had legal weddings will notice it isn't and perhaps be annoyed at the travel/expense for a 'fake' wedding?

OP posts:
JenniferBarkley · 05/04/2022 05:30

Oh MN hates this! In reality (and, happily, this thread) people don't mind. We did similar as did friends, and as someone else said it's the norm in lots of places for the legal bit and religious blessing to be separate.

I have to say though, I'd love to go to a 4pm wedding, cuts out all the boring waiting around and makes dinner a more sensible time. I think it can be hard to get reception venues to agree though, too many lost drink sales.

Don't do both in the one day - bringing everyone to the registry office will be a complete PITA and make the initial ceremony feel meaningless. Just bringing a few people will cause drama and politics and make it feel like a two tier wedding.

mnnewbie111 · 05/04/2022 05:31

If anyone moans they're not nice people

mice · 05/04/2022 05:48

I am a civil celebrant and the wedding ceremonies I perform are not legal but are beautiful and personal and people don't seem to mind at all.
They look and sound lpretty much ike a traditional wedding and they celebrate love and union.

I do always ask my couples to do the legalities first though. If the couple aren't legally married the celebrant does have a duty to make it clear that the ceremony they are performing is not legal and just a Celebration. We can't mislead people.

Once people have been to a celebrant led ceremony and seen how personal they are these concerns of it not being legal seem to go away. We can also perform the ceremony y anywhere without restriction which helps with costs for a lot of people too.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
HotChoc10 · 05/04/2022 05:56

So many misers as usual. OP noone cares in real life, they just want to celebrate with you.

Saltyquiche · 05/04/2022 06:02

Invite people to a ‘celebrant and celebration’ and detail that the service starts at x time.

Saltyquiche · 05/04/2022 06:03

Wouldn’t bother me, I’d just be excited to party and excited for the young couple

carefullycourageous · 05/04/2022 06:07

I would be happy for you.

Just be honest with everyone, find the right wording, any miserable cunts can stay away.

Congratulations!

BuanoKubiamVej · 05/04/2022 06:07

As a guest I would only be annoyed if you were dishonest about what was happening. Invite me or don't, that's fine; but don't claim on the invites that you're inviting them to your wedding if you aren't being wed on that day.

If I were you I'd be finding a way to incorporate the legal bit into the 4pm slot of a bigger day, if you really want an all day thing. Personally I think a 4pm slot is perfect but each to their own.

So you could start at 1pm and have your ceremony worded exaxtly how you wish with a celebrant (if the registrar isn'tpresent you don't have to follow their rules about being totally religion-free). Start the reception at 2pm with drinks and nibbles and a few pictures and sit down to eat at 3pm. In the gap between main course and pudding the registrar turns up at the venue and you do the formal bit which in its quickest wording only takes about 5 minutes, and you both sign the register, then you carry on for speeches, dessert and coffee.

SpiderVersed · 05/04/2022 06:14

If you did the paperwork before, I don’t think I’d much care.
If you weren’t doing the legal stuff until after, I don’t think I’d consider it a wedding.

RedRobin100 · 05/04/2022 06:15

I wouldn’t care at all.
It’s pretty common for people to do the legalities separately for various reasons

RedRobin100 · 05/04/2022 06:17

To add… but yes it would do no harm just to make clear to everyone what the plan is so no one gets confused or uppity..

Zonder · 05/04/2022 06:18

Is the registry far from where you're having the wedding? Could you have your family ceremony, nip out to the 4pm slot and come back for the dinner or whatever?

I wouldn't mind at all not being at the legal bit and just being at your wedding ceremony (and have been to many weddings like that) but I'd find it a bit odd if you didn't legally marry before or during the actual day.

Nillynally · 05/04/2022 06:19

We did this and did the signing at 5 o clock. Signing the papers isn't the wedding it's the legal bit.

WhyOfCourse · 05/04/2022 06:23

Depends on your guests. I like to see the legal bit personally.

WhyOfCourse · 05/04/2022 06:24

I wouldn't be annoyed though

SunshineCake1 · 05/04/2022 06:25

Is be annoyed at the lack of transparency but I seem to be a rare person that thinks the marriage ceremony is more important than the party.

Tell the truth and have people come with good grace.

Twizbe · 05/04/2022 06:31

No issue with saying it's a wedding celebration.

Whatever you call it though, your legal marriage begins at the legal ceremony.

I went to a 4pm wedding a few years back and it was lovely. No rushing around with travel, had ages to get ready, bride and groom laid on afternoon snacks at the venue before the ceremony.

It was August as well so we had the light until much later which was great.

Buildingthefuture · 05/04/2022 06:33

No, of course I wouldn’t care! If you were my friend I would understand that it is YOUR wedding and if you decided to do it starkers whilst swinging from a chandelier I would respect your choice! My DSD is doing exactly what you plan later this year. No one cares. It’s your day, do as you see fit and have a fabulous time xxx

Twizbe · 05/04/2022 06:33

@Zonder

Is the registry far from where you're having the wedding? Could you have your family ceremony, nip out to the 4pm slot and come back for the dinner or whatever?

I wouldn't mind at all not being at the legal bit and just being at your wedding ceremony (and have been to many weddings like that) but I'd find it a bit odd if you didn't legally marry before or during the actual day.

This could work. I went to a wedding that did that.

It was in Mexico where the church ceremony isn't the legal one.

Everyone came to the mass and then while Most guests had drinks and food, the bride, groom, immediate family, witnesses and the Brits (as we'd travelled to Mexico) were taken into a room where the legal bit happened.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/04/2022 06:34

I’d say it’s your wedding so do what you like. Don’t lie to your guests because it will come out and people will be Hmm at you not being honest.

I would personally want to get legally married on the same day because that is the important bit but I also had a big party which I loved. If we were already married, I would skip the celebrant bit (because it’s boring for everyone else) and just do the party.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 05/04/2022 06:36

I've been to several wedding celebrations after the actual marriage. I would definitely think it was odd if the couple hadn't been honest about it, but beyond that it hasn't bothered me at all. Do what you need to to make it work, OP.

AtlasPine · 05/04/2022 06:37

@mice

I am a civil celebrant and the wedding ceremonies I perform are not legal but are beautiful and personal and people don't seem to mind at all. They look and sound lpretty much ike a traditional wedding and they celebrate love and union.

I do always ask my couples to do the legalities first though. If the couple aren't legally married the celebrant does have a duty to make it clear that the ceremony they are performing is not legal and just a Celebration. We can't mislead people.

Once people have been to a celebrant led ceremony and seen how personal they are these concerns of it not being legal seem to go away. We can also perform the ceremony y anywhere without restriction which helps with costs for a lot of people too.

Completely agree that the legal bit should be done before and not after the humanist celebration.

It sounds lovely otherwise and I would not feel remotely that it was a fake wedding if I were a guest. You should do whatever makes you happy but I would be honest about it to family and friends. Anyone with a problem isn’t really a great person to have close to you anyway.

Carrotinabox · 05/04/2022 06:39

It took me a good few weddings where this had happened for me to realise there were no legalities like a signing of the register. I couldn't have cared less nor do I understand people saying you have to be upfront or "transparent" with your guests. Why on earth does it matter? The wedding is a celebration of the couple and the fact they want to invite their family and friends to share in their happiness together, irrespective of how legally it's done.

Is it not a tiny bit precious for any guest to mind they weren't witness to the legal part, or to get annoyed at the lack of transparency?

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/04/2022 06:43

Is it not a tiny bit precious for any guest to mind they weren't witness to the legal part, or to get annoyed at the lack of transparency?

I don’t care about not being invited to the legal bit even slightly. I just wouldn’t lie about it.

NumberTheory · 05/04/2022 06:43

Of course it's a wedding. There are lots of religious and non religious traditions that don't have legally valid marriage ceremonies. Doesn't make them less of a wedding. Lots of people on MN seem to have no idea how Christian-centric their experience of wedding tradition is.

Unfortunately some of your friends, if they come from a nominally Christian background and have little exposure to diverse cultures, might think the same, OP, so you'll really need to ask around the people you're going to invite.

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