Would you see this as a fake wedding, be annoyed?

[brideeventually]

We've planned a fairly small last minute wedding unfortunately being so last minute the registrar is only available at 4pm and we want to get married much earlier in the day. We are happy to get a celebrant and do the legal bit the week after just us in the registry office for 50 odd quid, doesn't make it any less of a wedding day for us but I'm worried some of our guests who have had legal weddings will notice it isn't and perhaps be annoyed at the travel/expense for a 'fake' wedding?

@Hariboqueen1

To me a wedding is about love and a couple promising to each other that they will spend their lives together. I dont understand the people who think signing a bit of paper is a wedding. No its signing abit a bit of paper.

The signing the paper is the legal start of your marriage. If you divorce later or need to prove your marriage, it won't matter when you wore the big dress or said the vows, it's when you signed the paper that's important.

Ok well that's a lot, how would you even afford that!? The last wedding I went to was 2 years ago. I guess I'm at that age where all my siblings and friends are married already though, probably in the next couple of years my kids, nieces and nephews will start to get married.

Yeah, it's an expensive business! We do say no to a lot of them.

I'm also well past at the age where friends and siblings are all married if they're going to be. It doesn't seem to have stemmed the tide of invitations. DH apparently has lots of friends who had children earlier than he did, and we get invited to all their weddings.

Sometimes I have never even met the bride or groom! Those are the ones that we tend to decline, but DH definitely feels bad about not attending some of them.

OP Very sorry for your loss.

If you can get married legally a few days before, that would be the simplest. It's perfectly usual in other countries to speak of a 'civil wedding' and then a 'religious wedding'. As previous posters have said, no-one is remotely fazed by that. So you could invite people to your 'humanist wedding' or your 'wedding ceremony' and be telling the absolute truth. No deception. (Any anyone who complains will be very mean, especially at a time when you are still grieveing.)

But if that still troubles you, so long as the register office is not far away, I think the idea of leaving the party for half an an hour is a good one. Or, even better, if you can arrange for the Registrar to attend your chosen venue, the legal formalities only take a few minutes.
That way, the whole day becomes your 'wedding day', and from what you say, that is clearly very important to you. You'll be exchanging personal vows - you say they'll be the most meaningful ones- and then legally registering them. All on the same day.

Obviously, what matters is how you and your soon-to-be-husband feel, but, for my own part, I found saying the legal vows (at at very quiet wedding on a grey Wednesday morning in a drab concrete register office!) very moving and not a little awe-inspiring. You're making a binding promise, in front of witnesss, to link your destiny and welfare to another's, for good or ill.

No one I know would care as long as you gave your guests a good time.

Another vote for 4pm ceremony. Doesn't matter that you are providing food truck lunch and entertainment for the kids beforehand, that's not the main part of the wedding. That will help take the pressure off people getting fed while away from home and occupying the kids, so bonus.
Weddings can be too long so breaking it up seems a good idea.

I'm against the grain, it pisses me off to travel etc to attend a wedding that's not legally binding. I attended one where the registrar part was done weeks earlier with couple of mates then they had a meal after. Their choice but I know the bride's parents would rather have gone to that small registrar one than the showy 3 day not a real wedding palavour, and so would I and my DH, who is a sibling of the bride. Of course no one said as much to the couple themselves, so they don't realise.
So yes, I would see it as a fake wedding and seems a fair few other PPs would too. Those who say "we did this and no one cared" - no one told you they cared but they may well have done.
Not sure how annoyed I would be, that would depend on the circumstances like travel time / expense/ time off work / sleeping arrangements.

We get at least 2 or 3 invitations each month, sometimes more

Wow. You know a lot of people. We have been invited to 3 wedding dos in the last 12 years, and one was a second wedding. All of our friends and family have been married a long time, and none of the younger members of our family are planning to get married anytime soon. I love a wedding, probably because I get invited to do few.

I think PP makes an interesting point.

People who just want to go to a party won't care, but the ones who really care about your marriage will care.

I find these debates really interesting!

For me, the actual ceremony and legal bit was important to me and it was the bit that my loved ones wanted to see. We didn't have a reception because of covid - though it was actually allowed at the time we married but we just couldn't be bothered with the faff and worrying about rule changes. I wasn't sad at all really about losing the reception because the legal and religious bit was what was important to us - and we're not even a particularly religious family, we're all christened but not exactly avid church-goers. "Spiritual" at best, I guess.

So yeah for me, the ceremony and legality is the exciting bit of a wedding, and it's the bit I most like to see of other people's weddings. It's that moment when two people join legally and spiritually (appreciate not everyone is religious, or even just vaguely spiritual like me, so I know lots of people won't agree).

That said, I certainly wouldn't be annoyed at being invited to a wedding where the legal bit had already happened in private or was planned for another date. A celebration is a celebration!

@Silverclocks

I think PP makes an interesting point.

People who just want to go to a party won't care, but the ones who really care about your marriage will care.

Oh good grief. I care about my friends’ marriages. I care that they are happy and loved, I care that they are supported and supportive of one another. I care that they are able to feel surrounded by friends and family.

Me being there to eyeball the signatures doesn’t change make a jot of difference to that.

Culturally, because we have a state church in this country and it is possible to be legally married in your parish church, many people in the UK consider the ‘marriage’ and the ‘wedding’ to be synonymous. A majority of people now opt for civil marriages but the structure of those weddings has generally evolved to mimic the traditional structure of a church wedding and the association has endured.

As pp have said, your view will be different if a) you come from a country where there is total separation of church and state and therefore you must have separate civil and religious ceremonies, eg France or b) you are British but of a faith where you cannot legally marry in your place of worship, eg Hindu, Muslim, Jewish and ‘marrying out’, because it will be totally normal for you to have distinct ceremonies for your marriage and for your wedding.

Its a celebration if you do what you plan to do.
Just marry at 4pm already
Have some lunch before that. Drinks afterwards and done :)

That's your view Educated, but for some people, the legal part is the whole point of the wedding. My parents, for example, wanted to see me get married. They wouldn't have cared what the reception looked like, but they'd have been upset if I got married without them.

Hit send too soon. The most beautiful wedding I’ve been to was one where the legal part was separate. They were able to involve friends and family in the ceremony in ways they otherwise wouldn’t have been able to, and were able to incorporate religious elements whilst not being a religious wedding. Seeing them surrounded by friends and family and making their vows to one another was the bit that mattered. That, to me, was the moment they were truly married, not glorified form filling in the council offices a couple of days before.

@Silverclocks

That's your view Educated, but for some people, the legal part is the whole point of the wedding. My parents, for example, wanted to see me get married. They wouldn't have cared what the reception looked like, but they'd have been upset if I got married without them.

And it’a a response to your view. Rather haughty of you to suggest that those of us who aren’t fussed by the legalities don’t care, and those that are really care (in bold, no less).

@Silverclocks

That's your view Educated, but for some people, the legal part is the whole point of the wedding. My parents, for example, wanted to see me get married. They wouldn't have cared what the reception looked like, but they'd have been upset if I got married without them.

But a ceremony is not the reception, the ceremony is for lots of couples the part where they actually feel they promise something to each other, the part they can personalise to feel it is about "them" and their life together.

I do prefer this to a lot of registrar weddings where the whole thing feels very clingical and more like what it is - the signing of a legal document not a ceremony to celebrate the union.

Often on MN people say "just go and do a registrar wedding, it's the legal bit which gives the security you want" if a couple is wondering if they want the whole ceremony/guest/party portion of getting married as they just prefer to have the legal security.

That sounds to me that most people see a larger ceremony as the moment they want to see and celebrate with the couple, not the legal bit.

Agreed reluctantbrit. The weddings I have been to have still had distinct ceremonies (followed by the usual reception/party). Vows are still made. Those present are still called on to witness those vows and the commitment the couple are making to one another. The only bit missing has been them disappearing off to sign the paperwork.

@brideeventually

The issue with the 4pm wedding is that we all live so spread out across the UK that we've booked an exclusive place for the whole weekend and we are all getting there on the Friday. It's an opportunity to all get together as well as just my wedding, but it is my wedding so what do we do all day Saturday if we get married at 4pm? Most people are there Friday and Saturday night so I'm worried we're wasting their time then.

I don't want to lie to my guests but I don't want to not call it a wedding. Not from a place of dishonesty but it is my wedding to us. Will look in to the options suggested thank you. Apparently humanist weddings are going to be possibly be legal from July - typical.

If everyone is there all weekend, what difference does the time of the ceremony make? You can and should still offer amenities to your guests, throughout the day. It's not as though nothing can happen until you have your ceremony.

How many people are we talking about? Is the venue a hotel or stately home or ??? What else is there for them to do?

@EduCated

Agreed reluctantbrit. The weddings I have been to have still had distinct ceremonies (followed by the usual reception/party). Vows are still made. Those present are still called on to witness those vows and the commitment the couple are making to one another. The only bit missing has been them disappearing off to sign the paperwork.

If the "legal bit" is so meaningless why do it?

As a pp said, when you're asked in future to provide your marriage date, that's the one that counts. Regardless of what day one's dress-up party took place.

@Silverclocks

I think PP makes an interesting point.

People who just want to go to a party won't care, but the ones who really care about your marriage will care.

But it isn't just a party. With a registrar there is 30/40 min ceremony where you say your vows, exchange rings and sign the legal bits. With a celebrant there is a 30/40 min ceremony where you say your vows, exchange rings and don't sign the legal bits because you did it the day/week before. The lay out of the day is the exact same as if it were legal, apart from the paperwork's already done. If I was just having a reception with no ceremony then it would be a party, but it isn't, it's my wedding day.

It's not your wedding day though. The only date that counts, the one you'll need to put forms for the rest of your life is the day are legally married.

If that bit's not important to you, don't do it at all.

EduCated You are of course entitled to your view, but for many of us the register office vows are just as meaningful as any others. Indeed, a lot of us don't make any other ones. They are not just 'bit of paper'.

But I agree with you that two separate ceremonies are perfectly OK, if that's what people want. As others have said, it's the norm in many other countries and among some faith groups in the UK. Though it is ususal to have the legal ceremony first. But both are 'wedding ceremonies': one is legal, one is personal/spiritual/religious or whatever else the bride and groom want to call it.

But I don't get why some people feel such a pressing need to be spectators. By all means celebrate with your friends and share their happiness, if that's what they want, but my vows, and my husband's, felt very private and personal. The last thing either of us wanted was lots of people watching. I know we're not the only couple to feel that way.

@Silverclocks

I think PP makes an interesting point.

People who just want to go to a party won't care, but the ones who really care about your marriage will care.

I disagree. The wedding is the exchange of vows. The legal bit is just admin.

@brideeventually

I get everyone saying that 4pm weddings are fine but we are there all weekend and we have an afternoon snack/treat food truck coming and lots of outdoor games for all of the kids we just don't have time to cram everything in after 4pm so it would need to either start before the ceremony or do the registry bit office the day before but treat the Saturday as our actual wedding

Why not do the bit with your non-legal ceremony as planned, then have the afternoon food etc, then back in for a second ceremony at 4pm when the registrar arrives, followed by the planned evening events.

@KosherDill

The legal bit is not meaningless for the couple but it is for me as a guest.

Most people I know in Germany celebrate the ceremony as their anniversary. The legal date is for the paperwork.

[quote reluctantbrit]@KosherDill

The legal bit is not meaningless for the couple but it is for me as a guest.

Most people I know in Germany celebrate the ceremony as their anniversary. The legal date is for the paperwork.[/quote]
People can pretend whatever they wish but their wedding day is the day the legal paperwork is completed.

I can "celebrate" my birthday on New Year's Eve if I wish, but that doesn't change the fact that I was born on April 12.