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Original poster

Would you see this as a fake wedding, be annoyed?

293 replies

brideeventually · 05/04/2022 00:07

We've planned a fairly small last minute wedding unfortunately being so last minute the registrar is only available at 4pm and we want to get married much earlier in the day. We are happy to get a celebrant and do the legal bit the week after just us in the registry office for 50 odd quid, doesn't make it any less of a wedding day for us but I'm worried some of our guests who have had legal weddings will notice it isn't and perhaps be annoyed at the travel/expense for a 'fake' wedding?

OP posts:
OutingHobby · 05/04/2022 13:04

If I'm invited to a wedding but not the marriage bit I expect it to be called "a celebration of our marriage" so that its clear I won't be witnessing the actual wedding ceremony

ThanksItHasPockets · 05/04/2022 13:13

@OutingHobby

If I'm invited to a wedding but not the marriage bit I expect it to be called "a celebration of our marriage" so that its clear I won't be witnessing the actual wedding ceremony
Including if it were a Hindu Vivaha or a Muslim Nikah?
OutingHobby · 05/04/2022 13:16

Including if it were a Hindu Vivaha or a Muslim Nikah? no as I don't expect to be invited to those.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
stuntbubbles · 05/04/2022 13:26

@Silverclocks

It's not your wedding day though. The only date that counts, the one you'll need to put forms for the rest of your life is the day are legally married.

If that bit's not important to you, don't do it at all.

As a guest, I don’t spend my friends’ wedding day thinking about the forms they’ll be filling in for the rest of their life. I think about love and joy and hooray and ooh, maybe now babies? and I hope the cake is good and isn’t it nice that everyone’s here for this wedding, with “this wedding” encompassing everything from milling around beforehand to confetti to toasts to piling on the dance floor for Disco 2000. It’s all the wedding.
AliasGrape · 05/04/2022 13:27

It’s so bloody weird that people think they can tell another couple what is or isn’t their wedding day, what they’re allowed to call it, accuse them of deceiving people they love enough to invite in the first place, and dismiss what is an enormously significant day for them as a ‘dress up party’ just because they’re not exactly comforming to their own very culturally/ geographically specific ideas of what makes it a wedding day and what makes it just a mere party.

I went to see my friends in France get married. I didn’t see the civil bit which they did first thing in the morning before the ceremony guests were invited to. I wouldn’t dream of telling them which bit was their wedding and which bit wasn’t. Similarly with my Hindu colleague. She is getting married later this year and as I understand it the legalities will take place separately, on a different day, to what she, and all her family, see as her actual wedding. As if I’d sit there telling her ‘we’ll just so long as you understand it’s not really your wedding’.

Every CofE ceremony I’ve been to has involved the bride and groom and whoever the witnesses are going to a separate room/ part of the church to sign the paperwork, so I guess I didn’t really see those couples get married either - better rethink those friendships, can’t believe they tricked me.

scottishnames · 05/04/2022 13:38

Well said, Alias

Hugasauras · 05/04/2022 13:39

👏👏👏

ThanksItHasPockets · 05/04/2022 13:43

@OutingHobby

Including if it were a Hindu Vivaha or a Muslim Nikah? no as I don't expect to be invited to those.
That’s not really the point, is it? Would you tell a Hindu or Muslim couple that the day of their vivaha or nikah was not their wedding day simply because they can’t be legally married in their place of worship in this country?
BuanoKubiamVej · 05/04/2022 14:14

Ok understanding that it's important to you to make the event last the whole weekend do it this way:

Celebrant celebration cerenont with exchange of vows at 10am

Informal buffet lunch with champagne, outdoor games, fun activities, village fete type atmosphere.

3pm, speeches, cake.

4pm legal ceremony - can be done in a side room, guests supplied with other activities no need for them to care but any relatives who are emotionally invested in the legalities can come and watch - it doesn't have to be a long ceremony the registry offuce versions have options to oad it out to give you a sense of occasion but it doesn't have to take long.

5pm more canapes then formal sit-down meal at 6pm

8pm dancing and merriment until midnight...

jay55 · 05/04/2022 14:19

The signing of the register is the boring bit of a wedding. No one cares, or pays attention. There's nothing wrong with having that part at another time.

Jellycatspyjamas · 05/04/2022 14:43

It’s not uncommon in many cultures to separate out the legal marriage from the ceremonial parts - my SIL is from Eastern Europe, they had the legal ceremony in the U.K. and the ceremonial part in her home town, both were important to them. The ceremonial part wasn’t less than because they’d already done the legal part 2 weeks previously, and the registry office ceremony was important to those who couldn’t travel to her home town.

Do the thing that suits you best, it’s your marriage however you want to celebrate that.

RidingMyBike · 05/04/2022 14:50

Have all the guests already agreed to travel on the Friday etc and come for the whole weekend? We got such lovely comments after ours (3.30pm church wedding with reception afterwards) about how much people appreciated not having to pay to stay overnight and it meant more people could come as it kept their costs down.

We don't get that many invites but twice we've had weddings that assumed at least a one night stay, if not a two night one. The two night one, in a hotel, wiped out a big chunk of our holiday budget for that year and meant we were unable to have a separate holiday (we were in the period of high childcare costs so v limited budget). The one night one we decided to leave at 9pm (having been there since 10.30am!) so we didn't have to pay for an overnight.

Cavagirl · 05/04/2022 15:11

Honestly the posters insisting on being spectators to the exact "moment" people become married would have been the same ones queuing up in medieval times to witness the consummation 🙄🙄🙄

OP I think I read one of your other threads, and I'm so sorry Flowers

Do whatever you want and tell anyone who disagrees to piss off.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/04/2022 15:30

Honestly the posters insisting on being spectators to the exact "moment" people become married would have been the same ones queuing up in medieval times to witness the consummation

Grin
FateHasRedesignedMost · 05/04/2022 15:39

The lay out of the day is the exact same as if it were legal, apart from the paperwork's already done. If I was just having a reception with no ceremony then it would be a party, but it isn't, it's my wedding day

But it’s a fake wedding day if you’ve already done the legal part. You can re-enact your vows in a ceremony but if you’re already married how can it be your wedding day?

scottishnames · 05/04/2022 16:19

Beacuse Fake it's perfectly normal in a great many cultures and also in some faith communities in the UK to have TWO weddings - one civil, one religious or spiritual or whatever. Both are important, but in different ways. The civil wedding registers the legal marriage with all its legal/financial implications, the religious ceremony - if you are a believer - creates an equally important spiritual bond, which the bride and groom ask their deity to bless and fellow believers to support.

As a previous poster explained, England is rather an anomaly because the Church of England is a state as well as a religious institution and acts on behalf of the state in registering weddings. So do some other religious denominations.

KosherDill · 05/04/2022 16:28

My sister's stepson and his fiancee hauled everyone across the country for the big white wedding including four days at a very expensive venue (each guest paid their own way including accommodations), expensive meals the night-before-the-wedding do catering was 4K billed to my stunned brother-in-law and other massive inconveniences.

Turns out they had been married six months before, privately, but just wanted the ritzy vacation, big do and to be the center of attention and receive tons of gifts.

To say there were hard feelings when the word leaked out is an understatement. No one would've given up that much annual leave, spent that much money or gone to all of that trouble just to watch a costumed do-over.

People can do as they wish but it's very important to let guests know exactly what they are being invited to, so the guests can make an informed decision. "We are being married at 3pm" is not the same as "We are repeating our vows at 3pm."

I'm glad to see that so many celebrants refuse to mislead.

thefootballcoacheswife · 05/04/2022 16:30

It's fine. I wouldn't even notice probably

SW1amp · 05/04/2022 16:32

@Silverclocks

It's not your wedding day though. The only date that counts, the one you'll need to put forms for the rest of your life is the day are legally married.

If that bit's not important to you, don't do it at all.

I have been married for a long time and I can’t remember a single time I’ve ever had to put my wedding date on a form

What the hell admin are you doing?!

DoubleShotEspresso · 05/04/2022 16:35

What you're describing is perceive very much as a celebration- not a wedding but I wouldn't at all be offended by this.
It's your day- it's your choice how it's scheduled, but perhaps it's wise to be clear to your guests within the invitation?

FairyCakeWings · 05/04/2022 16:39

Where’s the harm in just being open and upfront with the truth? No one will be bothered, everyone will still come and celebrate, you just won’t have anyone wondering if you were aware that your wedding ceremony wasn’t legal. They won’t have to wonder if you were going to stay unlegally married, or if you had already had the legal ceremony. Just pretending that this ceremony is the only thing that really matters without telling your guests when the legalities are happening is only going to create needless confusion. I can’t see why you’d want that hanging over your wedding day, or why you’d want to do that for people that you hope will travel and pay to be your guests for two days.

Krakenchorus · 05/04/2022 16:49

I can't imagine anyone caring in that situation - though apparently there are some uptight people who really do, if this thread is to be believed. If you had no intention of legally marrying, then yes you should be honest with your friends and family. But signing the papers a few days before or after? Seriously, don't be 'honest' with the guests. The fine details of when it becomes legal is no one's business but your own. There is nothing fake about your wedding! I hope you have a wonderful day full of great memories.

scottishnames · 05/04/2022 17:00

Kosher I'm very sorry for your family experience, but really, if your relatives treat the whole getting married business - a very, very serious one IMHO - like that, they can't expect to be taken by rational adults as an example of anything except very, very bad behaviour. Which deserves all the scorn and criticism it can get. I'm very much with you there.

But the OP's posts reveal a very different situation. She and her soon-to-be-husband are grieving. The loss of their child is tragic. They want a celebration wedding day to provide a spark of hope and happiness, and to celebrate their continuing commitment to each other in spite of tragedy, together with - what sounds like - a fairly large group of family and friends. The question here is surely 'how can we help them arrange that?'
Nothing else matters.

KosherDill · 05/04/2022 17:12

@Krakenchorus

I can't imagine anyone caring in that situation - though apparently there are some uptight people who really do, if this thread is to be believed. If you had no intention of legally marrying, then yes you should be honest with your friends and family. But signing the papers a few days before or after? Seriously, don't be 'honest' with the guests. The fine details of when it becomes legal is no one's business but your own. There is nothing fake about your wedding! I hope you have a wonderful day full of great memories.
The fine details of when it becomes legal are important to many people; dismissing them as crackpots and outliers is a mistake for the marrying couple to make.

People don't like being mislead. If they aren't witnessing the legal vows, they should be informed of that.

I mean, most marrying couples these days already live together, some already have children together, or long-term financial entanglements like mortgages -- presumably the "commitment" already has taken place, or one hopes it has at that point. The only real change that is effected at weddings IS the legal status.

Watching people "commit" to one another who already have greatly entwined their lives together on a practical basis is not quite the thrill that I think some couples believe it to be.

girlmom21 · 05/04/2022 17:15

If they aren't witnessing the legal vows, they should be informed of that.

But why? If you're pretending to sign the register then yeah that's a bit weird but I'm not going to resent going to a wedding if it's a celebration of two people I love getting married, whether they're doing it legally right in front of me or not.

I get it if someone tells you you're an official witness and you're signing a dud piece of paper. That's deceitful. But if they're saying their vows it doesn't matter.

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