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Original poster

Would you see this as a fake wedding, be annoyed?

293 replies

brideeventually · 05/04/2022 00:07

We've planned a fairly small last minute wedding unfortunately being so last minute the registrar is only available at 4pm and we want to get married much earlier in the day. We are happy to get a celebrant and do the legal bit the week after just us in the registry office for 50 odd quid, doesn't make it any less of a wedding day for us but I'm worried some of our guests who have had legal weddings will notice it isn't and perhaps be annoyed at the travel/expense for a 'fake' wedding?

OP posts:
ThanksItHasPockets · 05/04/2022 08:52

This is what I'm leaning towards if I do this can I still call it my wedding? I will never remember the paperwork as my wedding, my wedding is the part with the vows and the exchange of rings and my family there

In my opinion yes, because you will be legally married at the end of the wedding day. You might find it helpful to separate them in your head as the day of your marriage and the day of your wedding. I know that sounds like semantics but the cultural wedding traditions of vows and rings are symbols of the legal marriage.

You can have a marriage without a wedding but you can’t have a wedding without a marriage (even if they didn’t happen on the same day).

Original poster
brideeventually · 05/04/2022 08:52

@ThanksItHasPockets

This is what I'm leaning towards if I do this can I still call it my wedding? I will never remember the paperwork as my wedding, my wedding is the part with the vows and the exchange of rings and my family there

In my opinion yes, because you will be legally married at the end of the wedding day. You might find it helpful to separate them in your head as the day of your marriage and the day of your wedding. I know that sounds like semantics but the cultural wedding traditions of vows and rings are symbols of the legal marriage.

You can have a marriage without a wedding but you can’t have a wedding without a marriage (even if they didn’t happen on the same day).

Thank you this is very helpful. I like that way of thinking about it.
OP posts:
GoodJanetBadJanet · 05/04/2022 08:54

As a guest I would only be annoyed if you were dishonest about what was happening. Invite me or don't, that's fine; but don't claim on the invites that you're inviting them to your wedding if you aren't being wed on that day.
Yes, this

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
HairyScaryMonster · 05/04/2022 08:54

As long as you have someone official doing s ceremony and rings etc it's all good. I wouldn't necessarily know the difference.

reluctantbrit · 05/04/2022 08:55

It wouldn't bother me but I am German and in Germany you have to do a civil wedding before you can marry in church.

So, most people who do a. church ceremony don't see the civil part as a wedding, they go with two witnesses, sign papers and that's it. It now moves into non-religious weddings officiated by a celebrant, two of my nieces did it that way.

I never would say to anyone that therefore the second bit is not their wedding.

But - I had a. 3pm wedding, several people I know had 4pm weddings. I find it a lot easier, food is more at normal times and you can do one group of guests instead of an evening set to. come later.

Shortpoet · 05/04/2022 08:57

American weddings often have photos before the ceremony.

So you could meet photographer with close family at 2.00 for photos. Have other guests arrive at 3.00 for group photos and Canapés.

4.00 do the ceremony then straight into reception.

Saves the boring bit in the middle after the ceremony, while everyone is hanging around for photos starving hungry!

We did family photos first, then ceremony, then group photos quickly then reception

toastofthetown · 05/04/2022 08:59

If finances are a concern with having the registrar and humanist celebration, could a family member conduct the unofficial ceremony? I went to a wedding in France (where it is standard that the legal marriage is separate from the celebration) and the groom's mother officiated the ceremony and it was really beautiful, and felt so personal to the bride and groom.

AngelinaFibres · 05/04/2022 09:00

My mother was a registrar for 20 years. She married lots of people on a Friday afternoon who were having all the other stuff the next day. They regarded it as 'just paperwork '. They would often turn up in jeans or straight from work. She had to explain to them, as part of her job, that the other celebrations at a hotel or church blessing were lovely but this moment was their wedding. A lot would be very emotional during the ceremony because they realised how important this 'paperwork' bit was and from this moment onwards they were a legally bound unit. Saying those words to each other is a powerful thing. You need photos of the 2 of you afterwards because this time, and only this, is your wedding. It doesn't matter what day you get legally married but it must be before you celebrate with family and friends. Or ideally at 4pm so they can all watch. As a parent I shall never forget my sons saying those words to their now wives. Its a huge moment. Thst is the important bit. Food trucks are of absolutely no importance.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 05/04/2022 09:04

I believe it's a legal requirement that whoever conducts your wedding party has to make it explicit to guests that this is not the marriage

I'm not sure that's true. I went to a wedding a few years ago, in a church, with a Catholic priest. Was slightly surprised as the groom was divorced but the 'ceremony' seemed to be in order until it ended, and I realised that the bit about "do you, X, take Y as your lawful wedded husband" had been missed out. I asked the bride about it afterwards and she admitted that they had actually got married 3 days earlier, but not to tell anyone as she didn't want the guests to know. At no point did the priest make it clear that this was a blessing rather than a marriage ceremony, and most guests were none the wiser.

If it was me, I'd make it clear that this is a marriage celebration rather than the legal bit. I'd still make just as much effort but as a guest, I think it's only polite

IsoIsobaby20 · 05/04/2022 09:05

I wouldn't give it a second thought. Do it.

My cousin from Australia came home to get married. Had a brief registry office wedding 2 days before the wedding celebration which was just like an official Wedding. She walked done the aisle they said vows and exchanged rings. It was a lovely day and logistics didn't bother 1 guest!

girlmom21 · 05/04/2022 09:05

Could you have your wedding breakfast then the ceremony afterwards and then the evening 'do' if you don't want to wait until 4pm for the day to start?

AngelinaFibres · 05/04/2022 09:10

@IsoIsobaby20

I wouldn't give it a second thought. Do it.

My cousin from Australia came home to get married. Had a brief registry office wedding 2 days before the wedding celebration which was just like an official Wedding. She walked done the aisle they said vows and exchanged rings. It was a lovely day and logistics didn't bother 1 guest!

But they had married 2 days before. They were legally married ,so everyone was celebrating that. Op is planning to celebrate being married without actually being married at all. That's the difference.
TabithaHazel · 05/04/2022 09:12

@brideeventually

4pm is just so late to start we are all travelling down to the venue the day before and it seems a waste for our guests to pay for that if it's not really needed then. I just don't want to have people disregarding it as not a real wedding because of 3 hours difference Sad
Why not start the party off at whatever time, then have the wedding at 4? I don't quite understand what you mean by 3 hours difference - are you planning to leave the party and get married at 4 with no guests there while they stay at the party?
Hiddenvoice · 05/04/2022 09:15

In Scotland humanist ceremonies are legal but the celebrants are officials and we sign all of the legal documents with them witnessing. We exchange the same legal vows etc. We register the wedding just like you would with a registrar/ or getting married in a church. It isn’t fully the same as what you would like to do.
My friend is doing something similar to you but has added a little insert to their invites explaining that they are getting legally married in the registry office on the Friday and then having a ceremony and celebration on Saturday.
No one is bothered about this, we are happy to celebrate their wedding but it’s good to tell them upfront.
I know you’ve got a lot planned for your day but a 4pm wedding isn’t a bad time! Could you not start doing some of your activities before?

inappropriateraspberry · 05/04/2022 09:19

I think it's fine. You are celebrating your commitment to each other with vows and an exchange of rings in front of loved ones. How is that not a wedding? You are getting married, just not signing the paperwork!
Sharing the day is what makes it special, not the legal stuff.

MargosKaftan · 05/04/2022 09:19

If you are having a 4pm wedding, most people will travel on the day, not the day before. This saves money as they only need 1 night in a hotel, not 2.

4pm wedding, done by 4:30pm. Drinks while photos are done until 5:30-6pm. 6pm go in to eat, done by 8pm, straight into evening do with no sitting around. Feed everyone again around 10:30-11pm (fish and chips van?). Dance until you've all had enough.

BlancmanegeBunny · 05/04/2022 09:20

I've been to a few weddings where the legal bit was done the day before, some small chapels in my area are not approved for weddings so it's not unusual for the couple to do the formalities at the register office the day before.
I think it would feel different if the legalities were done a few days afterwards.

LittleOwl153 · 05/04/2022 09:27

I think you need to be honest about what you are doing. Your guests are not stupid.

My reasoning... my dad. They did exactly what you are suggesting. They got married in their local church 'in secret' the morning of their afterparty show. We then dragged small kids (under 3's) as 'bridesmaids' to the 'wedding ceremony' at 6pm in the Chapel in their fancy venue only to have the celebrant announce they were confirming vows said earlier today... the muttering that went around that church was awful. (There is ALOT of background here... her children went to the church his children were in the dark etc. But the weirdness was real.)

I'd definitely say do your legals before. But as someone said the legals ARE your marriage. Don't dismiss that bit. That will be the date you use on paperwork forever not the party date. I'd try and do the same day if you can. How remote is the venue could you go to the local register office that morning even if it is very limited number/just you 2 plus2?

MushroomQueen · 05/04/2022 09:27

One of my closest friends got legally married with her family a few days b4 her wedding. She got 'married' on the step of the town hall outside. Then we all walked to the venue and had a lovely meal and night. Felt absolutely like a wedding. I flew over from Portugal to UK (and saw others obv) so it didnt feel fake to me

Ruibies · 05/04/2022 09:28

We got legally married the week before our wedding for several reasons. We didn't make it clear on wedding invites but we also didn't hide it - I would have been very Hmm about any guest who thought they were being lied to about anything though.

I hate the bit at legal weddings where everyone has to talk amongst themselves for ten minutes while people sign bits of paper. For me, the vows and ring exchange are much more meaningful to be present for than the admin.

Personally, I hate a 4pm wedding but that might be because the ones I've been to have overcompensated for the late start time by pushing everything else back and not finishing til like 2am. I can't handle that late a night anymore, especially if I've been up as normal/travelling to the venue/sightseeing in the day before it all kicks off. Would rather be at the wedding for 1pm and in bed for 11pm.

OMG12 · 05/04/2022 09:29

I don’t think it’s an issue, but agree with PP that it would be better to do the legal bit before. Then you will be married both legally and spiritually (or whatever way you want to look at it) on the day people come to celebrate. If you got legally married after I think the whole day would be a nice celebration of your love and commitment to each other

whatk8ydid · 05/04/2022 09:29

I'm very sorry for the loss of your baby. There are some lovely suggestions up thread (think my possible favourite is having the celebrant do all the fancy stuff earlier in the day then sneaking off at 4pm and signing the official bit just between the pair of you, and two witnesses of course)
BUT I just wanted to make clear that after everything you've been through, if there is anyone there that isn't just overwhelmingly happy for you and supportive of you doing whatever makes you happiest then they can politely just show themselves out after the year you've had. I hope you have an absolutely fantastic wedding and marriage, whatever solution you fix upon in the end Flowers

JackieWeaversLaptop · 05/04/2022 09:29

I honestly don’t think there’ll be a problem! It’s your wedding and your day, and as long as it’s what you want, I think that’s all that matters. I’m sure your guests will all have a lovely time :) one of my relatives had a v small registry office wedding with family only, and then had a ‘destination wedding’ with more family and all the couple’s friends. Although the second wedding was a party rather than an actual wedding, everyone had a lovely time and it was really enjoyable.

dfendyr · 05/04/2022 09:30

@brideeventually

4pm is just so late to start we are all travelling down to the venue the day before and it seems a waste for our guests to pay for that if it's not really needed then. I just don't want to have people disregarding it as not a real wedding because of 3 hours difference Sad
Why dont you mix up the day then?

Is the celebrant coming to you?

Have a celebration first, then go get married, and then have the evening do?

Doesnt matter which order you do it on the day?

Monkeybutt1 · 05/04/2022 09:31

I had a 4pm wedding and it was lovely and much cheaper than a full day affair. We had the ceremony, drink and photos then a lovely evening meal. We didn't want a disco, it was only a small wedding and they got away with needing one to entertain guests. We had a relaxing leisurely meal and some drinks.
On the other hand my brother got married in spain, so they had the legal ceremony in the UK the week before. Myself and one of her friends were the witness's we all got dressed up and had a lovely meal afterwards. All the guests at the "big wedding" knew they had already got married but we all still travelled to Spain for a long weekend. It didn't make any difference at all.