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Original poster

Would you see this as a fake wedding, be annoyed?

293 replies

brideeventually · 05/04/2022 00:07

We've planned a fairly small last minute wedding unfortunately being so last minute the registrar is only available at 4pm and we want to get married much earlier in the day. We are happy to get a celebrant and do the legal bit the week after just us in the registry office for 50 odd quid, doesn't make it any less of a wedding day for us but I'm worried some of our guests who have had legal weddings will notice it isn't and perhaps be annoyed at the travel/expense for a 'fake' wedding?

OP posts:
GoodJanetBadJanet · 05/04/2022 09:31

Then you will be married both legally and spiritually (or whatever way you want to look at it) on the day people come to celebrate
That's not being invited to the wedding though, is it?
They'd have already got married.
It'd basically be just being invited to a celebration afterwards, they won't have been invited to the wedding.

CharSiu · 05/04/2022 09:32

I have been to many wedding close to 40, but only one humanist though which I did really enjoy.

Either tell your guests what the days proceedings actually are or just get married at 4pm.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 05/04/2022 09:33

I’d tell people. I went to a wedding where they’d had the legal bit a few days before. We wouldn’t have minded, but it left a bad taste when it somehow came out at the wedding reception - I think the celebrant had said something which raised suspicions so someone looked it up.

Although I don’t think 4pm is late; if you don’t want that, I’d just be open about the legal part having happened earlier but you inviting people to a ceremony & reception. You’ll avoid worry that way, you won’t ever have to worry about it coming out, and if anyone is weirdly bothered, they’ll know.

Interested in this thread?

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Weddings
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 05/04/2022 09:33

@Shortpoet

American weddings often have photos before the ceremony.

So you could meet photographer with close family at 2.00 for photos. Have other guests arrive at 3.00 for group photos and Canapés.

4.00 do the ceremony then straight into reception.

Saves the boring bit in the middle after the ceremony, while everyone is hanging around for photos starving hungry!

We did family photos first, then ceremony, then group photos quickly then reception

This is a good plan. I've been to a wedding with a similar timetable where we did the photos earlier - people were able to drink and chat while waiting for their group to be photographed - then had the ceremony. It worked well.
Twizbe · 05/04/2022 09:36

I'm sorry for your loss. I'd still do the legal ceremony at 4.

Have a brunch at the venue for the guests before, have a nice time enjoying getting ready with your bridesmaids etc. Lay on some lawn games for the rest. Have pictures beforehand then get married and head straight for the posh dinner.

Sounds like a really nice relaxed day.

Chloemol · 05/04/2022 09:36

It’s not a wedding, it’s a celebration

The wedding is when you legally make your vows and marry in front of the registrar

Just be honest if that’s the way you want to do it. If you are in scotland have a humanist wedding, if outside scotland then it’s not the legal wedding is it?

Why not just have the wedding at 4pm? Or do the 4pm session and do your earlier bit the next day or whatever but be honest

starfishmummy · 05/04/2022 09:37

@brideeventually

4pm is just so late to start we are all travelling down to the venue the day before and it seems a waste for our guests to pay for that if it's not really needed then. I just don't want to have people disregarding it as not a real wedding because of 3 hours difference Sad
4pm might suit guests better as perhaps they won't need to travel the day before.

We're going to a wedding in another area and the timings for all the various parts mean we need to stay two nights. A 4pm ceremony would mean we can cut that down to the one night after the wedding.

Honeyroar · 05/04/2022 09:39

I’ve been to a couple of weddings where they’d already got married the day before. It absolutely still felt like a wedding. You’d have to know pretty judgmental, sniffy people to have them upset/grumble!

Seleniummillenium · 05/04/2022 09:39

@brideeventually

I really don't see my partner and me signing some paperwork as our wedding as opposed to the day with our families, vows, ring exchange, first dance. It isn't a celebration of our wedding to us. It's our wedding.
It’s not a wedding if you’re going to do the legal bit the week after, it’s a celebration of your wedding. It’s no biggie. I would still travel to that if I loved the people who have been kind enough to invite me.
ColdSeptember · 05/04/2022 09:40

The 'paperwork' bit - the legal part - IS the wedding. You're a married couple once that's done. Beforehand, you aren't. The white dress and the aisle and all that are just windowdressing, very nice but ultimately just fluff.

Honeymint · 05/04/2022 09:41

Of course not! I’ve been to a few weddings now where the couple has done this, it really doesn’t feel any more or less real than if the registrar was there.
(Most couples have a sort of ceremony on the day, with a friend or someone ‘officiating’)

Go for whatever you want and don’t worry what other people might think!

Silverclocks · 05/04/2022 09:41

@GoodJanetBadJanet

Then you will be married both legally and spiritually (or whatever way you want to look at it) on the day people come to celebrate That's not being invited to the wedding though, is it? They'd have already got married. It'd basically be just being invited to a celebration afterwards, they won't have been invited to the wedding.
They're not invited to the wedding either way.

Personally I think it's fine to have the celebration separate to the wedding, but odd to have it before the wedding. You can't celebrate before it's happened.

MajorCarolDanvers · 05/04/2022 09:42

It wouldn't bother me at all

Hariboqueen1 · 05/04/2022 09:44

To me a wedding is about love and a couple promising to each other that they will spend their lives together. I dont understand the people who think signing a bit of paper is a wedding. No its signing abit a bit of paper.

Somatronic · 05/04/2022 09:44

Not at all. My friends forgot to register for their wedding licence on time and went ahead with the ceremony - it was a humanist ceremony and the registrar offered to give them fake documents to sign in case they were worried about it being a "fake wedding", but they were happy enough to proceed with the ceremony on the day and they are doing the legal bit later this month. We all had a great day and nobody cared about the legalities.

Have the ceremony and do the legal bit again, and don't worry! Enjoy the day!

Gymnasticmummy · 05/04/2022 09:48

Not sure if anyone has suggested it …

But could you not have your meal before hand then go off and get changed and then meet your guests for the ceremony like any other wedding then have the night party or whatever you were planning ?

Don’t no on times fully but I’d be up for that option as a guest

Dixiechickonhols · 05/04/2022 09:50

I think it’s more acceptable to marry the day or week before and then invite people to celebrate your marriage.
I do think you need to say. We went to a humanist outdoor ceremony for a friend of DH and I knew it wasn’t legal (not sure if law changed but at time you couldn’t marry outdoors) the celebrant announced they had married the day before but they consider this their wedding day (I don’t think they can mislead) and there was a real deflation in room it was awkward. But they had worded invites as a wedding so it caught people by suprise.

RachelGreeneGreep · 05/04/2022 09:51

I know of people who did the legal bit beforehand for various reasons.

No, it wouldn't bother me, as a guest.

MrKlaw · 05/04/2022 09:52

the location we wanted wasn't registered. So we got married a week before at a registry office with close friends only, then had the wedding with friends and family and a non-denominational vicar.

For them its our wedding day, and thats when we celebrate our anniversary - not the official date

BoredZelda · 05/04/2022 09:54

Humanist weddings are legal in Scotland

Are you having a legally registered humanist celebrant there? If not, it’s not the same thing.

But, you can choose to celebrate your marriage whichever way you wish. Guests can come, or not, as they wish.

Willlow · 05/04/2022 10:00

I had a hindu wedding that I considered a real wedding as did all my guests but the official signing was done earlier in the day at the registry office.
It never crossed my mind anyone would think it was a fake wedding!

WeddingFavour · 05/04/2022 10:09

We're in Scotland and although our celebrant can legally marry us, he's made very clear that if we don't have the paperwork in by the deadline he cannot stand up and do a ceremony. He can't do a fake wedding and pronounce us husband and wife because we legally wouldn't be. I'm not sure where you'd stand in England, but getting legally married the day before would be advisable. Lots of people do this before weddings abroad. The big party can absolutely still be called your wedding.

ClaudiaWankleman · 05/04/2022 10:10

Got to be honest, it’s not a wedding is it?

It absolutely is a wedding. Most people don't care about the legal parts - it's the personalised bits and the shared expression of love that is enjoyable about the ceremony.

Shelaydownunderthetable · 05/04/2022 10:11

I wouldn’t give a flying fuck that it wasn’t the legal bit! I’d be glad to be there for your wedding, the way you want it to be. England is weird and outdated in their rules around it anyway.

AliasGrape · 05/04/2022 10:15

I honestly would be happy you wanted me to share such a significant day, and if you felt it was your wedding day well then, why would I be a dick about it? I don’t go to weddings to witness the paperwork, in fact if it was a church wedding you wouldn’t even see that bit anyway. I really can’t see why anyone would be bothered or feel ‘tricked’ or any such nonsense, but clearly on this thread plenty would.

I also wouldn’t mind a 4pm ceremony. We just this weekend gone travelled quite a distance for a wedding - most of the guests had to travel a long way. The wedding was at 3. We got to the venue early, about 1.45 - there was good laid on, music playing, beautiful surroundings to take in and other guests to catch up with, then the ceremony took place, another drink and pretty much straight into evening meal with no endless standing around which can happen with earlier ceremonies. The celebrations went on till midnight (well for us, some were still going at 3am!) so nobody felt short changed, and we got to make a lovely weekend of it. I actually enjoyed being able to have a leisurely breakfast, a nice walk and plenty of time to get ready in an unhurried way before going to the wedding venue too.

I think if you thought carefully about the day it could still be a wonderful day for everyone with the ceremony later on. You could put a nice breakfast or brunch on - maybe separate groups if you were sticking to not seeing each other in the morning. Or arrange some activities guests could join in if they wanted - spa, golf, bike ride, board games, pre-ceremony drinks and food - whatever makes sense for the venue and guests. Or like a pp said - have your celebrant come early, do the meaningful bit, go into drinks, put a bit of food on so nobody is left starving, make sure everyone is comfortable whether that just be a lovely place to sit and mingle or some kind of entertainment, then go off with husband and a couple of witnesses to quietly do the legal bit with the registrar at 4, come back 20 mins later and into dinner (hell you could even do it whilst everyone is being seated and served their first drink or canape, then come straight out to be announced into the room where you’re all eating to cheers and applause).

A lot of the views expressed on mumsnet imply that being asked to attend a wedding
Of any kind is the greatest imposition. But honestly we’ve spent a great deal of money, time and trouble to go to some of our nearest and dearest and never begrudged any of it - as long as you make it clear you appreciate your guests and put a bit of thought into making sure they are well catered for, most people will genuinely just be happy to be there on such an important day and celebrate with you.