Page 12 | Would you see this as a fake wedding, be annoyed?

brideeventually · 2022-04-04T23:07:58+00:00

We've planned a fairly small last minute wedding unfortunately being so last minute the registrar is only available at 4pm and we want to get married much earlier in the day. We are happy to get a celebrant and do the legal bit the week after just us in the registry office for 50 odd quid, doesn't make it any less of a wedding day for us but I'm worried some of our guests who have had legal weddings will notice it isn't and perhaps be annoyed at the travel/expense for a 'fake' wedding?

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 05/04/2022 17:22

You're not fond of weddings are you, @KosherDill?

Happymchappy · 05/04/2022 17:38

OP I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this has already been suggested.
What about if you do away with the usual order of things?
You could start with a drinks reception/afternoon treat food/kids games at say 2pm. At 3.30 guests could then start to be moved into the room where you are having the ceremony whilst you have 20 mins to freshen up etc. Then have the ceremony with the registrar.
Confetti and photos or another drink for half an hour after the ceremony and then straight into your wedding breakfast (if the plan is for a sit down meal at that point).
Would that work?

pucelleauxblanchesmains · 05/04/2022 18:21

During COVID restrictions the line on Mumsnet was that you were selfish and "cared more about the wedding than the marriage" if you were upset about having to have a restricted wedding because "why can't you have a big party later?" But as this thread has shown, many of those same people would roll their eyes at "a big party later" because it's "not a real wedding". Funny site, this, sometimes.

babyjellyfish · 05/04/2022 18:33

Exactly, @pucelleauxblanchesmains.

Mumsnet is the only place I have ever heard anyone express the view that you're somehow cheating your wedding guests if you invite them to a ceremony and big party at your expense but sign the piece of paper on another day.

OneMomentPlease · 05/04/2022 20:33

@AngelinaFibres

My mother was a registrar for 20 years. She married lots of people on a Friday afternoon who were having all the other stuff the next day. They regarded it as 'just paperwork '. They would often turn up in jeans or straight from work. She had to explain to them, as part of her job, that the other celebrations at a hotel or church blessing were lovely but this moment was their wedding. A lot would be very emotional during the ceremony because they realised how important this 'paperwork' bit was and from this moment onwards they were a legally bound unit. Saying those words to each other is a powerful thing. You need photos of the 2 of you afterwards because this time, and only this, is your wedding. It doesn't matter what day you get legally married but it must be before you celebrate with family and friends. Or ideally at 4pm so they can all watch. As a parent I shall never forget my sons saying those words to their now wives. Its a huge moment. Thst is the important bit. Food trucks are of absolutely no importance.

Absolutely this!

Your wedding is when you become legally wed. Like it or not a non-legal ceremony is not a wedding, although of course it can still be a lovely occasion.

It’s worth noting that ‘signing the paperwork’ is not what makes you married. Exchanging specific legal vows is what forms your marriage contract. The schedule is signed so that it can be used to make a permanent record, but you are married before you pick up the pen.

Have seen many people turn up ‘just to sign the paperwork’ and be overcome when they experience the exchange of legal vows and understand what they mean. Doesn’t mean a celebrant ceremony can’t be wonderful, but it can’t have the power of the moment you become legally married.

Having said that, if I was your guest I’d happily celebrate the fact that you had got married but would think it strange to celebrate before beforehand. Would also raise an eyebrow at you calling it a wedding when it’s not - why pretend - but others wouldn’t care.

Get married the day/week before, be upfront about it, have an amazing celebration - it sounds great!

SleepingStandingUp · 05/04/2022 23:47

@brideeventually

If we do the legal bit the day before on our way up to the venue can I then still call it my wedding without it being a 'lie?' I just don't want to call it a celebration it's my wedding

You are invited to our wedding on X at X blah blah blah. Due to our venue, we've had to do the legalities seperately but I'm sure you'll agree the vows we make to each other in front of our loved ones is what really constitutes our wedding.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 06/04/2022 06:57

it's perfectly normal in a great many cultures and also in some faith communities in the UK to have TWO weddings - one civil, one religious or spiritual or whatever. Both are important, but in different ways. The civil wedding registers the legal marriage with all its legal/financial implications, the religious ceremony - if you are a believer - creates an equally important spiritual bond, which the bride and groom ask their deity to bless and fellow believers to support

Yet this isn’t what OP plans to do, is it? She wants to get legally married first… then the next day repeat her vows in front of an audience to make out it’s the real moment she gets married. To me that’s deceiving guests who may be prepared to travel a long way to see her get married (not realising she is already married). Fine to tell guests she’s doing the legal bit the day before and then staging those vows again in a ceremony so guests can see. But to pretend the day of the vow renewal is her ‘wedding’ seems a bit off. It’s a celebration of the wedding that happened the day before!

And I do think people will notice if they don’t sign the book, it’s quite a drawn out part of a wedding as witnesses have to sign it too and the couple usually pose for photos with the book. So unless she plans to have a fake book I think people will query what’s going on!

Very different if you have one civil wedding and one spiritual/religious as everyone is aware and it’s usually carried out on the same day (eg couple sign the legal stuff then emerge to applause and a 2 day party kicks off.. that’s my experience anyway.

Zonder · 06/04/2022 07:17

Nicely put @SleepingStandingUp

If people are saying their vows in front of all their friends and family who cares when they do the same in front of the registrar? In some places and in the past in the UK there was no legal bit. What mattered was the public declaration. So long as they do the legal bit it wouldn't matter to most people that they don't get to see that bit.

gregdaviesiswonderful · 06/04/2022 08:01

I have never ever spoken to ANYONE in real life who has an issue with seeing to people declare their love for one another in front of loved ones and to claim they feel 'deceived' by not seeing the legal bit....ever

We turned up on Friday afternoon at registrar in work clothes with parents. The Registrar was wonderful and we certainly didn't feel overcome and suddenly realise the gravity of it! We had agreed that this was the formality and legal bit but our hearts were getting married the next day

As for signing the registrar. We had printed out our personalised wedding vows and both signed them with chosen witnesses on our 'fake' day so still had that part.

Our guests were invited to our wedding which they came to. We celebrate our wedding anniversary on that date as it's the one that matters,

If any guests specifically asked us afterwards we told them we were married the day before and not a single person batted an eyelid.

BrieAndChilli · 06/04/2022 08:07

Any the registrar come at 4pm and do the leagal bit? Would only take 10 min and you can just take E guests to be witnesses while everyone else is having drinks etc

AryaStarkWolf · 06/04/2022 10:21

@ZoyaTheDestroyer

You're not fond of weddings are you, *@KosherDill*?

I know right, bloody hell..... OP better just tell your guests it a celebration of your wedding or something in case you have any guests like Kosher who might sue you for fraud or something!

user1497787065 · 06/04/2022 10:43

4pm sounds fine. The last couple of weddings that I have been to have been a midday or 12.30pm start, eating at 4pm.
To be honest by 6.30pm I just want to
Go home. 4pm service, eat at 5pm
Sounds perfect.

RachelGreeneGreep · 06/04/2022 12:10

My sister's stepson and his fiancee hauled everyone across the country for the big white wedding including four days at a very expensive venue (each guest paid their own way including accommodations), expensive meals the night-before-the-wedding do catering was 4K billed to my stunned brother-in-law and other massive inconveniences.

I hope he wasn't too stunned to hand the 4k bill right back!

RachelGreeneGreep · 06/04/2022 12:12

@pucelleauxblanchesmains

During COVID restrictions the line on Mumsnet was that you were selfish and "cared more about the wedding than the marriage" if you were upset about having to have a restricted wedding because "why can't you have a big party later?" But as this thread has shown, many of those same people would roll their eyes at "a big party later" because it's "not a real wedding". Funny site, this, sometimes.

Very true.

AWombleScorned · 06/04/2022 13:05

@pucelleauxblanchesmains

During COVID restrictions the line on Mumsnet was that you were selfish and "cared more about the wedding than the marriage" if you were upset about having to have a restricted wedding because "why can't you have a big party later?" But as this thread has shown, many of those same people would roll their eyes at "a big party later" because it's "not a real wedding". Funny site, this, sometimes.

The difference is that the ‘big party’ at a later date wasn’t sold as being the wedding. Everyone knew the couple was already married and that the party was a delayed celebration. Which is different to the OP trying to sell the party as the actual wedding, which it isn’t

babyjellyfish · 06/04/2022 13:09

The difference is that the ‘big party’ at a later date wasn’t sold as being the wedding. Everyone knew the couple was already married and that the party was a delayed celebration. Which is different to the OP trying to sell the party as the actual wedding, which it isn’t

I find it hard to wrap my head around the idea of people actually giving a shit about this.

A couple invite you to watch them make vows to each other in front of their nearest and dearest and then have a good old knees up, and you think they're somehow cheating you out of something if they don't make it clear in the terms and conditions that they (for whatever reason) signed the legal contract on another date?

Bizarre.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/04/2022 13:13

I find it hard to wrap my head around the idea of people actually giving a shit about this.

It's so weird

SleepingStandingUp · 06/04/2022 14:11

The difference is that the ‘big party’ at a later date wasn’t sold as being the wedding. Everyone knew the couple was already married and that the party was a delayed celebration. Which is different to the OP trying to sell the party as the actual wedding, which it isn’tbut op isn't having a big party. They aren't turning uuo at 6 for a buffet and disco. This will be the whole vows and readings, first dance, cake cut, bridesmaids walking down the aisle shebang. It literally omits one part most people don't see, especially in a church

Would you see this as a fake wedding, be annoyed?

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