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Original poster

Would you see this as a fake wedding, be annoyed?

293 replies

brideeventually · 05/04/2022 00:07

We've planned a fairly small last minute wedding unfortunately being so last minute the registrar is only available at 4pm and we want to get married much earlier in the day. We are happy to get a celebrant and do the legal bit the week after just us in the registry office for 50 odd quid, doesn't make it any less of a wedding day for us but I'm worried some of our guests who have had legal weddings will notice it isn't and perhaps be annoyed at the travel/expense for a 'fake' wedding?

OP posts:
babyjellyfish · 05/04/2022 07:28

It's fine, OP.

I have no idea why people on Mumsnet get their knickers in a twist about this.

My husband and I got legally married about 10 months before our wedding celebration. I have no idea who knew about that and who didn't. We got married in France where everyone has to do the town hall part before any religious celebration and so all the French guests would have realised they weren't witnessing the legal part. No idea about the English guests.

LegMeChicken · 05/04/2022 07:28

It’s only MN that gets all het up about ‘paperwork’ and ‘fake weddings’.
IRL it’s perfectly normal to do the paperwork first. In many cases because the building isn’t licensed venue (different religion), or needed for visa purposes, etc.

Most people who go to the trouble of having a wedding consider themselves properly married only after such (especially if religious wedding). NOT the paperwork, although th latter is ‘legal’.

2DogsOnMySofa · 05/04/2022 07:29

My son in law did something similar. Got married in a registry office early in the morning, then had a friend do a celebration type ceremony in the hotel where they had the wedding breakfast etc. it was one of the nicest weddings I've been to.

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Weddings
mickeypillow · 05/04/2022 07:32

OP, can’t you find a celebrant to marry you at your venue earlier in the day or even the Friday night when everyone has arrived? Then you domt need to go to the registry office. We got married in our garden by a celebrant years ago. The ceremony is recorded and lasts about 7 minutes!

Blaggertyjibbet · 05/04/2022 07:33

I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Surely the important part of a wedding is the exchange of vows in front of witnesses, which you are doing. The paperwork is just the legal proof for the government. It’s not like you’re exchanging vows with no intent to back it up legally. A few days between the two makes very little difference I think.

babyjellyfish · 05/04/2022 07:34

Given your updates though, I would either do the legal part the day before or just get married at 4pm.

If your wedding will finish at midnight then 4pm is actually the ideal time to start.

TrivialSoul · 05/04/2022 07:34

If you invited me to celebrate with you and join in your special day then as a friend or family member I would be honoured to do so. I would spend the same on an outfit, take the same amount of care choosing a gift whether it was legal or not. Surely the point is to celebrate the commitment you have both decided to make to each other and to enjoy doing so with those you love and care about.

okayigetit · 05/04/2022 07:36

I would not give one iota

I went to a wedding that was outside at a vineyard, they couldn't actually get married there so they actually got married the day before, it didn't make it any less of a wedding for me as a guest.. or for them

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 05/04/2022 07:37

I think it would be fine if you had done the legalities before (and have been to several lovely weddings like this - as pp said it is the norm in France and Belgium) but not if the legal wedding was after the wedding day. I know that sounds completely illogical but there we have it. I think it would be because you still wouldn’t actually be married at the end of your wedding day.

Do be honest about it, though. People know what a marriage ceremony looks like.

BlooberryBiskits · 05/04/2022 07:40

@brideeventually

If we do the legal bit the day before on our way up to the venue can I then still call it my wedding without it being a 'lie?' I just don't want to call it a celebration it's my wedding Sad
^ definitely YES: I have been to more weddings than not where the legal ceremony has taken place before hand (French/Jewish/Indian weddings).

Absolutely no less of ‘the real thing’. What WOULD feel weird is doing the legal stuff afterwards: can’t relax and wish you well until you are ACTUALLY married. My siblings had their legal weddings 2 weeks before the big religious weddings for example

HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 05/04/2022 07:40

Some religious weddings have to be done separately anyway. I wouldn't worry OP. No one will mind.

toastofthetown · 05/04/2022 07:40

Personally, I’d notice that it’s not a legal wedding as the wording wouldn’t have the phrases needed to be legally married. I wouldn’t mention it to you, and I wouldn’t be offended either. I’ve been to weddings in France where it’s entirely normal and I don’t think of those as ‘sham weddings’ or ‘bad acting’ or whatever phrases MN use.

Would a compromise be to have your celebrant wedding at the start of the day as planned, as well as the legal wedding at 4:00? I’m not sure if the registrars were coming to the venue, but the legal part can be very quick - you just need to say that you know if no reasons you can’t marry and that you wish to be married. I’ve seen weddings before where they have a large religious (non legal) ceremony at the start of the day, and step into a side room for the legal part at some point.

TinasCrockeryPot · 05/04/2022 07:45

I had the same issue OP so I booked a celebrant for 1.30 and had the registrar come to the hotel at 6.30 and we snuck off to sign the official document with just two witnesses and our photographer, everyone complimented on how amazing the ceremony was and how it was so much more personal than any of the other weddings they had been too

mickeypillow · 05/04/2022 07:45

In Scotland a celebrant can legally marry a couple.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 05/04/2022 07:45

@mumdebump

Sorry OP, just seen your update. Guests can spend the time before 4pm going for a walk if its somewhere nice, or chill out with other friends & family. If they’re there all weekend, it makes no difference what time you get married.
Agree with this. People will have plenty of time for leisurely breakfast, getting ready, you can gather and have drinks in the afternoon then ceremony at 4pm. Perfect. I actually think it's better. If people are there all weekend, there's no need to rush to get ready for a morning ceremony. Chill!
ComDummings · 05/04/2022 07:45

I’d do the 4pm wedding, weddings go on way too long and a 2/3/4pm ceremony is perfect IMO. They have the morning to do what they want and get ready without rushing that way.

Original poster
brideeventually · 05/04/2022 07:48

@TinasCrockeryPot

I had the same issue OP so I booked a celebrant for 1.30 and had the registrar come to the hotel at 6.30 and we snuck off to sign the official document with just two witnesses and our photographer, everyone complimented on how amazing the ceremony was and how it was so much more personal than any of the other weddings they had been too
Did you have to pay full ceremony prices for the registrar or was it less as it was just paperwork? The celebrant is £600 and the registrar is £495 so both is a looot of money!
OP posts:
OohThatCat · 05/04/2022 07:50

I would see this as a wedding. I’ve photographed loads of celebrant weddings, there’s still vows, ceremony, whatever you want. Most of the couples did the legal bit just them no guests and full on wedding was the celebrant one. It was no less of a wedding to guests, go for it! Celebrant weddings are amazing, they can be so personalised and tailored to the couple.

glittereyelash · 05/04/2022 07:51

I got married at 4pm and the guests loved that it wasn't a whole day of waiting around. married at 4, canapés at 5, meal at 6, band started at 8. It was perfect to me. Mine was a last minute wedding aswell.

TinasCrockeryPot · 05/04/2022 07:51

We paid the full amount for the registrars to come out, it was 495 but that was because of how late it was and that it was a Friday had it been earlier and on a not so popular day such as a Monday it would have been cheaper

Snoken · 05/04/2022 07:53

I couldn't care less if you signed the paper that day or not, it's the celebration I would come for. Having said that, 4pm is the perfect start time for a wedding if you are having an evening do. That way you can travel there during the same day, you can have a proper nice long lunch and still have time to get ready for the wedding and you are not wasting hours between ceremony and dinner when people really just want to get on with it.

toastofthetown · 05/04/2022 07:54

@brideeventually I imagine it would be full ceremony price for the registrar. Their workload is no lower for them, even though you want a short private ceremony. They still have to arrange all of your paperwork, travel to venue, interview you and your partner and legally marry you. Having to hang around for another twenty minutes for some readings is neither here nor there.

AteAllTheBourbons · 05/04/2022 07:57

Celebration after wedding (legally married) fine. Celebration before wedding (legally married) will get raised eyes from a lot of people, despite what some of the people on this thread say.

Frazzled2207 · 05/04/2022 07:57

I’d do legals before not after
We did this. Register office wedding with very small numbers followed by church blessing with everyone. Can’t remember the wording but everyone at the church knew what the plan was.
The only slightly weird thing is that we walked in as man and wife since my dad had given me away at the RO.

Shodan · 05/04/2022 07:58

If you invited me to celebrate with you and join in your special day then as a friend or family member I would be honoured to do so. I would spend the same on an outfit, take the same amount of care choosing a gift whether it was legal or not. Surely the point is to celebrate the commitment you have both decided to make to each other and to enjoy doing so with those you love and care about.

Exactly all of this.

In fact, I have an invitation to a celebration party for a couple who will have been married a few days before. As far as I'm concerned it gets the same thought and consideration as any other wedding- a gift will be bought, a new dress etc- I'm very excited to be sharing their day. And I wouldn't feel any differently if for logistical reasons they had to nip out a couple of days after to do the legal bit.

Enjoy your wedding.