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Original poster

Would you see this as a fake wedding, be annoyed?

293 replies

brideeventually · 05/04/2022 00:07

We've planned a fairly small last minute wedding unfortunately being so last minute the registrar is only available at 4pm and we want to get married much earlier in the day. We are happy to get a celebrant and do the legal bit the week after just us in the registry office for 50 odd quid, doesn't make it any less of a wedding day for us but I'm worried some of our guests who have had legal weddings will notice it isn't and perhaps be annoyed at the travel/expense for a 'fake' wedding?

OP posts:
FairyCakeWings · 05/04/2022 08:26

Just be honest with your guests and tell them they won’t be seeing a real wedding ceremony. If it’s a small event, presumably you’ve only invited people that you’re close to and those would be the same people that would want to be there and support you whether or not it was the legal ceremony.

As long as you’re upfront it’s fine, but expecting people to be with you for the whole weekend without telling them would be weird.

pointythings · 05/04/2022 08:28

Wouldn't bother me at all. My cousin did this - legal stuff in local register office with witnesses, actual wedding in Italy with all the trimmings. And it was a bloody marvellous proper wedding day.

Silverclocks · 05/04/2022 08:33

I wouldn't "mind" as such, but I would think it a bit odd that you weren't honest about what the day is.

Personally I'd do the registrar bit the day before and invite people to the celebration on the day you want it.

It would be weird to celebrate a wedding that hasn't happened. That would make me a bit uneasy, actually, like tempting fate, even though I'm not generally a superstious type.

But 4pm is the perfect time for a wedding anyway, for all the reasons others have said.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Original poster
brideeventually · 05/04/2022 08:34

@Heracles1000

Just curious as to why you organised venue, food etc before the actual marriage aka legal part?

Absolutely! Our venue told us to book the registrar immediately.

It's a very last minute wedding. Our wedding got cancelled by covid, rescheduled but then I fell pregnant and it was meant to be in Cuba so we cancelled again. Unfortunately my baby was stillborn and we are very much broken and grieving but just felt a wedding would be a good distraction for us and something to focus on, we wanted to do it anyway, and obviously I hope to be pregnant again within a year or so and didn't want to plan and end up being pregnant on the day. We found a venue with one summer slot spare after a cancellation and before booking contacted the registrar and a celebrant to know our options. We've now booked the venue and are trying to decide which route to go for the ceremony.
OP posts:
Onlyforcake · 05/04/2022 08:37

Before legalities changed in the UK to recognise non Christian celebrants then this was a fairly standard wedding arrangement, usually the legal bit just being got 'out of the way' with a service involving the couple's beliefs/ ethics being their actual wedding. I wouldn't think it was unusual. I'm in my 40s.
Correctly invitations are often the celebration of the wedding of .... Anyway. I think it's good anyway. The signing of the register bit is quite clunky in a lot of services.

bathsh3ba · 05/04/2022 08:38

Well I agree with those who say it isn't a wedding if it doesn't have the legal bits in it. But it wouldn't bother me to be invited to a celebration rather than the wedding per se and I certainly wouldn't see it as a 'sham'. Maybe it would make more sense to do the legal bits before the celebration though rather than after?

Musicalmaestro · 05/04/2022 08:39

So sorry about your baby.
I would do the official bit on the Friday I think and then be able to relax on the Saturday with loved ones.

Onlyforcake · 05/04/2022 08:39

I'm sorry for your loss, how you do your wedding isn't going to be as important to those who care about you and want to celebrate your relationship x

LittleMissA · 05/04/2022 08:41

Friends of ours had to do this as the venue they had chosen and paid for etc was new and didn't get their marriage license in time. They officially got married the week before and then on the day went through all the motions so most of the guests would not have known any different.

AngelinaFibres · 05/04/2022 08:41

@brideeventually

If we do the legal bit the day before on our way up to the venue can I then still call it my wedding without it being a 'lie?' I just don't want to call it a celebration it's my wedding Sad
Your wedding is the legal bit. Anything else is a lovely party with people you love ,who love you, but it isn't your wedding. You are asking people to celebrate something that hasn't happened. It wouldn't bother me but it would be a bit odd if there is a point where you are presented as man and wife or the audience are asked to celebrate your union when you are no more legally married than you were before. 4pm is the perfect time for a wedding. Do the real stuff, take photos, go and have a meal with your family. If you aren't getting married until 4 then surely your guests can travel down on the day itself. If they choose to come on the Friday they can entertain themselves on Saturday until 4.
SilkenBunny · 05/04/2022 08:41

It wouldn't bother me but personally I would prefer to celebrate your nuptials AFTER your wedding rather than before, when there's actually something tangible to celebrate!

AngelinaFibres · 05/04/2022 08:42

@LittleMissA

Friends of ours had to do this as the venue they had chosen and paid for etc was new and didn't get their marriage license in time. They officially got married the week before and then on the day went through all the motions so most of the guests would not have known any different.
But they were actually married. Op is going to celebrate before she is married.
User1367349 · 05/04/2022 08:46

If you are doing your own service with vows and readings or similar on the day, then it’s a proper wedding. If it’s just the party bit then invite people to “a celebration of our marriage”.

And noone reasonable is going to mind anyway.

Original poster
brideeventually · 05/04/2022 08:47

@Musicalmaestro

So sorry about your baby. I would do the official bit on the Friday I think and then be able to relax on the Saturday with loved ones.
This is what I'm leaning towards if I do this can I still call it my wedding? I will never remember the paperwork as my wedding, my wedding is the part with the vows and the exchange of rings and my family there. I don't want to have to change the terminology to celebration it feels like it's taking away from the day that is actually special to us.
OP posts:
ZoyaTheDestroyer · 05/04/2022 08:47

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. In your position I would have an inexpensive weekday marriage at the registry office at some point in the next few weeks before the wedding high season kicks off, and then the wedding party with celebrant etc as planned.

User1367349 · 05/04/2022 08:48

I do agree with others that you should try to get the legal bit done first as that feels tidier for the pedants in your life.

DogInATent · 05/04/2022 08:48

I don't see it as a problem. In the last few years I've been to:

A wedding that wasn't, because the couple has eloped a couple of months before without telling family and were already married. But they went through with the whole white dress, a ceremony, reception, first dance, etc. and the friends in-the-know still aren't certain whether everyone present from the families knew it was a performance.

A wedding that wasn't, because the couple weren't the best organised and forgot about getting the wedding license until it was too late. So the reception/party went ahead after a celebration of their relationship, and they did the legal bit very quietly a couple of weeks later.

Our own wedding had no family present (very much our choice), and a celebration party several months later.

Just do your thing. It's about you, not anyone else.

Original poster
brideeventually · 05/04/2022 08:48

@User1367349

If you are doing your own service with vows and readings or similar on the day, then it’s a proper wedding. If it’s just the party bit then invite people to “a celebration of our marriage”.

And noone reasonable is going to mind anyway.

It would be a full celebrant ceremony, very personal and we'd write our own vows to each other. We would exchange rings for the first time. Walk down the aisle. Wear a wedding dress.

The day before (if they have space) or week before would be paperwork in our eyes.

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 05/04/2022 08:49

@godmum56

many religious weddings are "fake" weddings because there is no registrar present so the legal bit must be done separately.
Yes but the legal bit is always done before the other stuff. You cannot celebrate a marriage if you haven't got married .
Katela18 · 05/04/2022 08:50

My brother and fiancee are doing this, their wedding day is going to be exactly the same but they have a celebrant instead of a registrar and will have got married legally a few days earlier.

I know this because i am family and part of the wedding party, but they haven't published this as important information on their invites etc. I'm not sure why this is information you need to make guests aware of or indeed why anyone close to the bride or groom would be bothered. I certainly wouldn't feel 'cheated'

dworky · 05/04/2022 08:51

@Kittekats

Got to be honest, it’s not a wedding is it? It’s a celebration but not a wedding per se.
So only those who get married in a church are wed? Absolutely ridiculous, of course it's a wedding!
FlySwimmer · 05/04/2022 08:51

Thanks for clarifying OP & so sorry to hear of your loss.

Having read other posters I’d still be inclined to say get married on the Friday & have the celebration on Saturday. A PP mentioned the party typically features a moment of being ‘presented’ as husband & wife (often before sitting down to the meal), and to me it just wouldn’t feel the same knowing we were not legally married. I loved that moment in our day as it kind of sunk in then! You’ll have a wedding weekend, instead of a day, with different things Friday-Sunday.

I hope you have an amazing time no matter what you decide in the end Smile

GoodJanetBadJanet · 05/04/2022 08:51

I'd enjoy coming, but it's not your wedding is it?
You'd have already done it so in a sense yes, it's a fake wedding for show with your friends.
I'd let them know so they don't think they're coming to the real thing.

TheMooch · 05/04/2022 08:51

I love 4pm weddings. Even if we are travelling from far we have time to get there the same day and just 1 night staying over and if there early enough plan in some sightseeing/ chill.

I am unsettled at the party first then getting married later in the week. That makes no sense in my head.

Hope you round the logistics and have a happy day.

Original poster
brideeventually · 05/04/2022 08:51

Point taken about doing the legalities before, we will try and do it the day before.

OP posts: