Should I have fed this child?

[yogahippo]

DD is in year 6. We moved recently and she's having to try and make friends in a new school. She has a phone and last night was texting a girl and they arranged a play date after school at our house. I messaged mum to check it was ok.

They arrived home, had snacks, played happily. Mum picked up at 6.25. She asked what they'd had for dinner and seemed most put ours when I said they hadn't had dinner. Thing is we usually only eat around 7.25-7.30 so I didn't think to cook dinner. It wasn't mentioned in the messages.

Im not originally from the UK. Have I made a mistake? DD says lots of her friends have younger siblings so eat quite early compared to us...

@madmomma

Mine eat dinner at 5 or earlier, I'd have been very unimpressed with my primary aged child not having been fed properly on a playdate

You can't dictate other families meal times!!

Dinner is usual, we don’t eat until around 6pm but for play dates would do dinner more like 5-5:30 so they’ve eaten before home time around 6-6:30.

I would have definitely expected dinner by 6 on a play date after school. But I wouldn’t be put out, just surprised and I’d give DD her dinner when we got back. Not a big deal. If she was arsey about it that was very unnecessary.

My DD is 12 in year 8 and I'd expect her to have been fed. She goes up to get ready for bed at 7.45. I think most children in the UK have eaten by 6.30pm

But I'm sure the mum was surprised rather than anything else, maybe just thinking "shit I need to feed her and I hadn't planned to".

Whenever my kids had someone over after school it was always assumed that they would be fed and this was the case if they were invited somewhere. We eat later but the kids would have pizza or something with the friend.

OP
Cultural differences are a minefield!
I remember arriving in the British Isles as a teen and being flabbergasted by supper at 6pm! As we'd always eat at 12pm in my home country.

My brother is visiting and as I was trying to suggest an 8pm meal as I'm so used to things here now...let's just say he looked at me funny. Eventually we ate at 9:30 - 10, because he's got his 2 year old with him.

Don’t stress the small stuff. Your dd sounds like she’s great. I think this thread shows, we all do things differently, I think the other mum’s the one that ‘doesn’t get things’. For what it’s worth we never eat before 1900.

In my day this problem didn’t exist because ‘play dates’ didn’t exist, you would invite a friend round for tea!

At the end of the day, if the other mum had to make scrambled egg on toast when she got in, the world is not going to end.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong OP

And some of these suggestions are depressing for feeding children, junk food basically. Hopefully because OP isnt British she doesnt feed her kids kiddie junk food just because she has a friend round

@Hugasauras

Playdates are obv a minefield! Am I the only one who genuinely wouldn't give a shit either way? If she'd been fed, great. It not, she can have something at home. What's the big deal? Dreading DD getting to the age where friends come round solo as apparently I have zero clue

No, this MN! In real life, most people are like us, easy either way. If they haven't eaten, beans in toast takes minutes, if they have & you've made them dinner 'leftovers' yay. The onus is on the fussy/regimented 'dinner must be at x o'clock to ask if it's an issue.

Year 6 -ask THEM anyway, no need to text & be rude to the hosting parent.

@yogahippo. The mother was RUDE.

@bellac11

You've done absolutely nothing wrong OP

And some of these suggestions are depressing for feeding children, junk food basically. Hopefully because OP isnt British she doesnt feed her kids kiddie junk food just because she has a friend round

Oh god no!!! Not chicken nuggets!!!!

7-7.30 pm for 11 year olds to go to bed? Really? I am sorry but that’s way too early! My kids eat at 7pm and then have some downtime and then bed at 9pm

All these people eating dinner at 5pm, or even earlier!!! do you have a partner that gets home later than that? Do they have to eat on their own? Mother of 4 here and I have never fed a child at 5pm and don't know anyone that does. It's practically the middle of the afternoon. OP you were fine.

@MissMaple82

Your 6 year old has a phone??!!! Thats really bad. And yes you should have either fed the child or communicated better with the mother.

Year 6 so age 11, why should she have fed her? Mother didn't arrange for child to come for dinner the dc arranged it between them self to come over for a play.

Forget the food. We need to know more about:
Still, this isn't as bad as the time I shared some books my Dutch gynaecologist friend sent as a gift to 9 year old DS with some of his US friends in North Carolina....

Dont overthink it. Honestly, its totally normal and fine. You fed the kid but didnt have actual dinner. We dont have a set time for dinner in this house. Next time you see her just say that you felt a bit bad for not thinking about the fact you normally eat dinner later than that, but they all had snacks when they got in, so noone was hungry.
Chances are that she didnt give it a second thought

Well what I mean is, everyone that is suggesting the tea during the play date is reaching for pizza, burgers etc etc

Why? Just have what the family are having

Nothing wrong with junk food on occasion by the way although I eat far too much of it myself, but I do have a real objection to the way we see kids food in this country in a way you rarely see separation in other countries.

She goes up to get ready for bed at 7.45.

At 12? That's very early. DD used to go to Guides at that age, and Guides didn't finish until 8.30.

See in my day, we didn’t have “play dates”, we had “”coming for your tea.” Expectations were a lot clearer.

Borderline dinner time really
I would’ve fed them but I always do for kids.
Snacks is fine though.

OP
Over 15 years of playdates and dinner was never a given ever.

I would be very 🙄at any parent being put out!

If a child was fed, fine, if not, absolutely fine too.

So many children had dietary requirements, and I usually had 3 children over, so catering to all their needs beyond toasties and pancakes etc was of no interest, except on special occasions.

I definitely would have assumed she'd have dinner at about 6pm. 7:30/8pm would bedtime.

@PuppyMonkey

See in my day, we didn’t have “play dates”, we had “”coming for your tea.” Expectations were a lot clearer.

Expectations being clear. That's all I need.

I live in a conservative village. My dd has never gone on an after school playdate and not been fed some kind of evening meal. You provided plenty of snacks but didn’t act as most parents do at your dd’s school by the sound of it.

In asking what she considered a totally normal question, the mum told you the norms and expectations of parents where you currently live. She wasn’t being rude or presumptuous. In your shoes, I would adjust mealtimes when you have children over in future.

Your dd goes to bed pretty late for yr6 and gets up late. A lot of children are not on this schedule. DD’s friend was in bed at 7.30pm without fail at this age as she needed the sleep. Dd was 8/8.30 pm, earlier if tired so 7.30 supper was too late.

I have a year 6 and it wouldn’t have occurred to me to give tea to a child leaving at that time. I WFH and don’t finish until about 6, and with an 11 year old visitor I’d have stopped to give them a snack then left them to it.

Just as well we haven’t hosted any play dates for ages given the replies here.

I really dont get the "I would have expected my DD to be fed" crowd. Unless the other parent has messaged to say "and she can stay for dinner" or "what does she like to eat" I wouldn't be assuming anything. When my DC gets invited to a playdate, I say to the other parent that I'm picking them up at 6 as our dinner is at 6.30.
I'm like you OP, have a different idea about supervision and freedom . I had a frantic neighbour-dad at my door once who was looking for his DD. All children (8-9 years old) were out together, so I wasn't worried myself. I calmly told him that they ALL have most likely gone to the little park, literally a 2 minute walk from our houses. He dashed off faster than the wind and I just closed my door Wonder what he must have thought of me, such a careless mum!