Should I have fed this child?

[yogahippo]

DD is in year 6. We moved recently and she's having to try and make friends in a new school. She has a phone and last night was texting a girl and they arranged a play date after school at our house. I messaged mum to check it was ok.

They arrived home, had snacks, played happily. Mum picked up at 6.25. She asked what they'd had for dinner and seemed most put ours when I said they hadn't had dinner. Thing is we usually only eat around 7.25-7.30 so I didn't think to cook dinner. It wasn't mentioned in the messages.

Im not originally from the UK. Have I made a mistake? DD says lots of her friends have younger siblings so eat quite early compared to us...

We had a child come round once and sent her home at our tea time. Her mum sent her back because they had eaten and were going on holiday the next day and had no food left.

Food wise be clear ime.
Ds went to a neighbours for an hour last Sunday at 4 pm.
While I was making a big roast dinner..
Refused most of his tea...

He had been given pizza, onion rings and chips....
Who does that??

OP did feed them something; they had snacks!

OP, ignore some pf the other posters here - you've done NOTHING wrong.

We have allergies in our family and I would NEVER feed a child without speaking to their parent first to find out what dietary restrictions they have. Therefore no chat = no dinner.

It's weird and odd though that the other mum didn't give you any info about food before entrusting her child to you. Then the expectation would have been discussed and you could have decided as the adults whether the other child needed to be picked up earlier to eat.

Either way, YANBU.

You don't have to, but typically an after school invite includes tea. In future just make it clear that you won't be feeding the guest child.

We usually eat dinner 6-6.30pm, but if one of the dc have a friend round I do a kid-friendly tea at about 5/5.30 (and have the kid gone by 6).

We eat later than average - and our kids like to eat with us. But a play date after school usually does mean dinner, so when they have friends over, I’ll feed them at about 6 before the friend goes home about 6.30/6.45 and DH and I eat later together. It’s just convention, really. No need to worry massively, though - no harm done.

@MissMaple82

Your 6 year old has a phone??!!! Thats really bad. And yes you should have either fed the child or communicated better with the mother.

Why is is bad? Majority of yr6 children have them

We usually eat around 6.30 so I'd be ok either way, personally I'd have done dinner but as long as they had snacks it's fine.

We eat dinner late but I always provide an early dinner for play dates. Just something fun like pizzas, hamburgers or whatever.

@JessicaBrassica that’s hilarious what did you do?

I'd have assumed the child had been fed or that you'd have said you wouldn't be feeding them.

If they have younger siblings they probably are used to eating at 5pm.

Yes I’d be pissed off if my child hadn’t had dinner by that time. Round here staying at someone’s house till that time means they’ve been fed a meal unless they’ve said they wouldn’t for some reason.

I think all primary school kids would be starving. It's not a big deal though just txt the mum and explain your not familiar with the culture here.

Strange the mum asked at the door though.

I wouldn't have expected them to have had dinner so early either, in fact I would have thought mum picking friend up at 6.25pm was to get him home for dinner. They are big kids in year 6 and at their age they usually sit down at the table with mum and dad to eat of an evening.

Don't think any more about it. What you did was normal, they had snacks after school which is also quite usual.

We eat supper late. Somewhere between 7 and 8. It’s how we rock. Although I find eating around 5 strange, I would make food earlier for my child and the play date. In all my years of play dates, I have never expected or assumed someone would feed my child. Even though junior is at his friend’s house, our family still has to eat so it’s not a huge inconvenience to feed my own child. I’ve also learnt that family has complete different routines - what we think is ‘normal’ isn’t for other 🤷‍♀️

I don't think you have done anything wrong. Did the other mother seem put out about it? I agree with other posters though that in the future if a playdate is arranged it's a good idea to be explicit about what food will or won't be on offer, just so that everything is clear and the parents can plan.

The mum probably eats early, was making polite chit chat and now mortified as she has presumed you would feed her child. If she thinks anything else then she is not worth bothering about.

I feed the kids early so I would have fed her. I would ask my child if she had dinner on the way home as I would not assume dinner at playdate.

So... very divided opinions. !

It's YEAR 6 (age11) not 6 years old hence the fact they used their phones.

I did text mum to make sure she was ok with the play date. My other 2 are much older so friends just come and go like the wind!

She was fed when they arrived. Snacks (apple pancake DD made, a cinnamon roll, some crisps and a few drinks.) DD usually has a snack when she gets in and then we all eat together as a family about 7.15 ish. I really didn't think that was late and it works for us as I don't want to cook multiple meals and it's nice to eat the same thing together. I can't do it earlier because DH isn't home and DS goes to college quite a long way away and he sees his girlfriend after college...

I asked because culturally I keep not quite getting it right. Children from my country have a lot more freedom at 11 to go places and I think I've raised some eyebrow. A few weeks ago she went with a friend back to her house after school (texted me to say she was going) and the mum called me in a particular panic when she got home and found DD there. DD is 11, I knew where she was, it's local, I wasn't worried. However I think I was judged badly a bit.

I am learning! I will be explicit next time I arrange something as I think this was the main contention.

I have a year 7 and Year 4 DD and would not expect them to have been fed at that time unless explicitly stated. We don't eat until 7ish normally.

We have friends that we often have casual play dates with (the kind of thing where they just come out of school saying ‘can x come to play tonight?’. We typically don’t eat until 7pm and they eat around 5pm. I’ve had to start doing early dinner when they come over otherwise they’re always feeding my kid and I wasn’t feeding theirs.

Play date always means food! This is how a play date generally pans out at ours. We walk home for school (taking our time) joke about 1545. They play for an hour. Food dished up 1645. Generally about 20-30 mins they eat main. Play come back have some pudding and collected at 6pm

I definitely would have expected you to have fed them, this is generally the norm where I am for play dates after school. We eat between 5-5:30 so it would be strange to not feed them in our house but I guess everyone’s different.

I wouldn’t assume you would.

If it bothers the mother it’s on her to ask you.

You might have mistaken surprise for disproved though. Don’t worry about it.

Your 6 year old has a phone??!!! Thats really bad

A year 6 is going to be 10 or 11, and most if not all will have a phone by that age. It makes independence easier.

For a 6.30 pick up I would expect to feed a child, but I think, in future, you need to clarify this with the other parent when arranging the next playdate.