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Original poster

Should I have fed this child?

498 replies

yogahippo · 01/04/2022 19:58

DD is in year 6. We moved recently and she's having to try and make friends in a new school. She has a phone and last night was texting a girl and they arranged a play date after school at our house. I messaged mum to check it was ok.

They arrived home, had snacks, played happily. Mum picked up at 6.25. She asked what they'd had for dinner and seemed most put ours when I said they hadn't had dinner. Thing is we usually only eat around 7.25-7.30 so I didn't think to cook dinner. It wasn't mentioned in the messages.

Im not originally from the UK. Have I made a mistake? DD says lots of her friends have younger siblings so eat quite early compared to us...

OP posts:
ThatPosterIsSoRight · 01/04/2022 21:58

@tillyandmilly

7-7.30 pm for 11 year olds to go to bed? Really? I am sorry but that’s way too early! My kids eat at 7pm and then have some downtime and then bed at 9pm
Ditto
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2022 21:59

@RampantIvy

She goes up to get ready for bed at 7.45.

At 12? That's very early. DD used to go to Guides at that age, and Guides didn't finish until 8.30.

I agree it’s very early. Some children are early risers or taking the bus to school at 7.30am.
HomeprideSaucy · 01/04/2022 22:00

I would have expected her to be fed. Maybe not for a 5.30-6 pickup, but by 6.30 I would be surprised if you hadn't fed her. A play date in my experience would mean dinner, and then pick up c.6.30

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AuntEater · 01/04/2022 22:01

YANBU if dinner wasn't mentioned then you weren't going to feed her.

IstayedForTheFeminism · 01/04/2022 22:04

I've never fed my dc earlier than about 6.30pm! If they eat at 5 they want more dinner before bedtime. Grin

When they had friends round when at primary school the (verbal) invitation was either "would x like to come for dinner" or "would x like to come to play" implying no dinner. Once they were old enough to have a mobile and arrange it themselves I would text them (if they were at someone else's house) and ask if they were eating there or here. And would make sure visiting dc let their parents know if they were/ weren't being fed.

Sceptre86 · 01/04/2022 22:06

Put it down to a cultural faux pas. Next time inform the parent that you eat dinner later or bring dinner forward when you have a playmate.

MargaretThursday · 01/04/2022 22:07

I would say it was kind of standard for playdate to have involved feeding them round here. You tended to arrange for pick up to be just after dinner.

I'm also wondering whether she was put out as in annoyed you hadn't fed her dd, or put out as in "oh heck, I hope my dd's been polite because she can be right grumpy when she's hungry."

When I was little we used to have dinner pretty much as soon as we got in, that was about 4:30ish. That was because dm reckoned it was better for us to have a proper meal at that point than snacks and df didn't get home until much later (round our bedtime) so she normally ate with him. That meant that she had a break between cooking.
I can remember feeling starving round at friends who ate 6/6:30, and really struggling at times because I was used to eating earlier.

Now we tend to eat dinner (after school clubs permitting) 6:30-7pm, and more often later, I would struggle to eat much before 5:30, because I'm not hungry. So I suspect that school friends who came round to me probably looked at horror at the food served at 4:30! Neither of us ever said anything to each other though, so I don't know.
Your stomach gets used to what you normally do!

PuppyMonkey · 01/04/2022 22:08

@Hoplesscynic was hid DD at the park?

Powertoyou · 01/04/2022 22:11

You should given them sandwiches and soup if you weren’t offering dinner until later.

Queenbee77 · 01/04/2022 22:12

No its NOT bad for a 6 year old to have a phone. If it is for the right purpose. My daughters spellings have improved 100% by using her mobile phone. As for feeding someone at a playdate. It should all be discussed and the mum was rude to be offended at you not having fed her daughter. I usually feed if it corresponds with us eating. Otherwise I make sure there are snacks abd I always discuss everything with the mother.

Maybeitstimeforachange · 01/04/2022 22:13

It was always coming for tea when I was a kid too. DS has never had a friend over though.

DS has food 4:30/5 and then have supper before bed - 9pm he’s in year 6.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/04/2022 22:13

TBH, I think it was a bit Hmm to ask 'did you feed my child' in the first place. I would have waited until we were in the car and asked my child directly if they'd eaten and/or if they were hungry and proceeded accordingly.

Synchrony · 01/04/2022 22:13

I wouldn't have assumed that you'd feed my dc but we eat late here too. I would have asked you if it mattered to me.

alorslanon · 01/04/2022 22:14

Oh gosh, I really feel you. We have recently moved home from abroad with primary aged children, and while we were there I was constantly getting it Slightly Wrong. It's such a relief to be back (in this particular way) because I know where I stand, and I can actually deviate from the norm more confidently, without feeling bad about it. I'm sure you're doing great by your DD. My children didn't suffer at all from seeing me not knowing quite what to do, but doing it anyway. Solidarity, sister!

crimesagainstwine · 01/04/2022 22:15

8pm "European" hours here too - a snack after school (toast, fruit, cake, biscuit etc..) but main meal is at 8pm

MajorCarolDanvers · 01/04/2022 22:16

Crikey yes you should have fed them.

Original poster
yogahippo · 01/04/2022 22:16

@nocoolnamesleft

Forget the food. We need to know more about: Still, this isn't as bad as the time I shared some books my Dutch gynaecologist friend sent as a gift to 9 year old DS with some of his US friends in North Carolina....
@nocoolnamesleft I can laugh now but in fact is was quite traumatic and was one of the reasons we left the US when DH assignment finished and I will never return. DS still traumatised!

DH was off in RTP doing his science and having a whale of a time and me and the boys were trying to get our heads round the North Carolina school system. So strange. Parents either working 60 hours a week and having no holiday and never seeing their children, or mothers (always mums) not working at all and micromanaging their children and the Parent Association. Anyway the sex education was laughable. Horrific. 1950s abstinence level. Just appalling. I was complaining to a good friend about it at Xmas (Dutch gynae friend!) and she sent a parcel of books to DS ("I don't want my godson not knowing what a clitoris is") They were very Dutch style books but she'd helpfully found English language ones for him as his language skills were rusty. One was called "The teen girls guide to getting off". She though different gender perspectives would be helpful.

Spoiler alert. It was not helpful.

I understand now. It wasn't appropriate in the culture we were living in and DS really struggled to make friends when we were the weird family. In the end it was the Dutch height genes that saved him. He was 5 foot 9 by age 11 and they LOVE their sport enough to ignore the weird sex mum.

OP posts:
sunshineandshowers40 · 01/04/2022 22:18

I would always give dinner on a play date (pizza or hot dogs), especially if collected after 5pm. If I wasn't planning to feed child I would have mentioned it when arrangements were made.

Hugasauras · 01/04/2022 22:19

GrinGrinGrinGrinGrin Oh OP, I love that story!

workwoes123 · 01/04/2022 22:19

Op

Dinner is eaten really early in the UK. So if they are staying till after 6 they will expect to be fed.

I’m from the U.K., now living in France. My kids have had loads of play dates after school till 7pm or later. No one eats dinner until at least 8pm, theyd be really confused if I started serving dinner in the middle of a play date 😂.

Sprogonthetyne · 01/04/2022 22:19

An organised play date, where you spoke to the other mum, I'd class as the child coming over for tea (as it was called when I was at school). A child calling on my kid and being invited in by them, I wouldn't feed unless they asked or seemed particularly hungry.

In future I'd probably say what time you have tea, and ask if they wanted to pick their kid up before or after.

Gelasia · 01/04/2022 22:22

So weird to think it's such a cultural universal for children to have eaten by 6.25 that you have to mention it if they haven't. That's borderline for a lot of people and ridiculous in this house! I would never presume somebody would feed my child after school unless they said they were going to and calling this a "cultural faux pas" is just silly. She sounds a bit cheeky, asking you what they've had for dinner. Why not ask her child, who at ten or eleven should be more than capable of telling her?

saddowizca · 01/04/2022 22:22

In future I would ask ‘do you want me to feed your DD or will she eat when she gets home?’ That way you know in advance. I would get a nice pizza and a tub of ice-cream in the freezer just in case. There’s only 3 of us so we’ve always eaten dinner together normally at 6/6.30 ish.

Inastatus · 01/04/2022 22:23

@bellac11

Well what I mean is, everyone that is suggesting the tea during the play date is reaching for pizza, burgers etc etc

Why? Just have what the family are having

Nothing wrong with junk food on occasion by the way although I eat far too much of it myself, but I do have a real objection to the way we see kids food in this country in a way you rarely see separation in other countries.

@bellac11 - I do agree and I’ve brought my two up to eat what myself and DH do and they have very eclectic tastes. However in my experience, play dates are usually a bit of a treat so the food suits the occasion and is also treat like and not eaten as a family meal. There are also a lot of fussy kids out there so you are usually safe with pizza or burger.
katepilar · 01/04/2022 22:25

All the English families with school aged children I ever worked for ate around 7pm so it wouldnt have occured to me the mum expects her daughter being fed by 6.25

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