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Original poster

Should I have fed this child?

498 replies

yogahippo · 01/04/2022 19:58

DD is in year 6. We moved recently and she's having to try and make friends in a new school. She has a phone and last night was texting a girl and they arranged a play date after school at our house. I messaged mum to check it was ok.

They arrived home, had snacks, played happily. Mum picked up at 6.25. She asked what they'd had for dinner and seemed most put ours when I said they hadn't had dinner. Thing is we usually only eat around 7.25-7.30 so I didn't think to cook dinner. It wasn't mentioned in the messages.

Im not originally from the UK. Have I made a mistake? DD says lots of her friends have younger siblings so eat quite early compared to us...

OP posts:
Foggydayz · 03/04/2022 09:40

I would never let my kids fiends come home and not feed them
However- we have asian roots, and that's against the asian social norms! Grandmothers would come back from the dead if they heard!

I always call parents and check out expectations- we are going to eat dinner at 7 tonight. It is Tacos.. any food allergies? This gives the parent a chance to say that her kid will have to be home for family dinner at 530

It is a bit much for the parent to expect you to do it all and 6:30 is not that late for a Y6 child.
Good luck sorting it out

Tricky with the move to the new school too hope you get it sorted for your daughters sake

wildchild554 · 03/04/2022 10:13

Depends on the childs routine, but if I was in your position I would have said you don't usually eat and find out what sort of time there child eats. Personally if it were me I would have made the kids dinner earlier if the other child eats sooner not that it would be a problem for us as kids eat at 4.30 on the dot, but if I was taking my kids to a playdate I would have liked to know so I could have made up some sandwiches etc for them if eting earlier was a problem.

wildchild554 · 03/04/2022 10:14

*you don't usually eat till later

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curlydiamond · 03/04/2022 10:19

You did nothing wrong OP. I'm amazed at the posters stating there's an unwritten rule that you must feed kids dinner if they're at yours after 5pm, especially kids as old as yr6. We don't eat until 6:30-7pm usually and we have a 2 year old as well as a yr6 and a yr8. Was the same when I was growing up, admittedly abroad but to British parents, eating at 5-5:30 is weirdly early to me (and mum didn't work so it wasn't because she wasn't home to feed us earlier). You grab a snack, fruit, slice of toast when you come home from school and then eat dinner later - which is what the girls did, completely normal!
I dont understand if it was so important to that mum to know whether she was feeding her own kid that day why she didn't call/message her kid and ask. Simple.
If one of my kids isn't home when the rest of us eat they get left overs or something from the cupboard/freezer eg soup, casserole, anything easy hearty and healthy, it's not difficult unless you're on a very tight budget and have exact plans for feeding your family (in which case you should ask rather than assuming).
Stop worrying about these supposed unwritten rules OP, there are some oddly uptight people about but most are just happy to be direct and ask instead of assuming and being 'fuming' about it later (I mean seriously, fuming? anger issue much?).
You have nothing to apologise for so please dont message the mum to explain yourself, she was wrong to have assumed (probably hasn't had tedious work training courses or she would know assume makes and ass out of u and me). Anyone getting wound up with other people for not knowing these made up society rules are incredibly intolerant and rude themselves!

velvet24 · 03/04/2022 10:22

But there is an unwritten rule, I would always give the child a meal if staying at our house past 5pm, amazed people wouldn't make a simple tea?

curlydiamond · 03/04/2022 10:30

As seen from this thread - no there isn't. Some assume there is an unwritten rule, many dont. Why would OP need to make a simple tea? The kids had some snacks and were fine until the later planned meal time for OP. I would still be working at 5pm so no way I'd be expecting to feed any kids at that time.

velvet24 · 03/04/2022 10:34

You may not think there is, but there is, I would be quite annoyed if I had picked my child up after 6 and they had not been fed

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 03/04/2022 10:35

Definitely unwritten rule where I live but I'd be surprised more than annoyed. I would not judge someone for not feeding a meal but would make a note to myself to communicate clearly about it next time.

curlydiamond · 03/04/2022 10:36

Then that would be on you for assuming everyone lives their lives by your rules and not checking.

velvet24 · 03/04/2022 10:37

Not my rules but it was always an unwritten rule here when my kids at primary!

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2022 10:41

@velvet24

You may not think there is, but there is, I would be quite annoyed if I had picked my child up after 6 and they had not been fed
An unspoken rule among some is not an unspoken rule amongst everyone. The error would be yours for living in a bubble.
velvet24 · 03/04/2022 10:42

No bubbles here, speaking from experience !!

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2022 10:45

I also hate the kind of parents who have loads of experience with other parents, did all the classes and clubs, veterans of the playdate and school gate etc and expect every parent to automatically know all the "norms" they have picked up along the way. Not everything is inherent, not everyone has those experiences.

It's not entirely relevant here as this honestly isn't an unspoken rule generally agreed upon enough to qualify, but even if it were, I really hate that attitude.

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2022 10:46

@velvet24

No bubbles here, speaking from experience !!
Yes, but half the people here have said this is not their experience. So yes, a bubble. You don't know it when you're in one.
Shabang21 · 03/04/2022 10:52

@Dnaltocs

Of course you feed a child on a play date, particularly after school. Anyone coming to our home is offered food. It’s only polite. Not sure why you’d not have done so. Even Adults are always asked, Tea or coffee and always biscuits. Lunch time visitors offered food, visitors after lunch are asked if they’ve had lunch or would they like soup (always some in the freezer) I was brought up to know the difference between a house and our home. Poor little girl🙁
But apparently you weren’t brought up to realise other households maybe different from yours? Delighted for you that you always have soup in the freezer though 🙄

OP, if my daughter was going on a play date I would ask the other parent if they fancied feeding my child - if they didn’t, nbd 👍

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/04/2022 11:09

@velvet24

You may not think there is, but there is, I would be quite annoyed if I had picked my child up after 6 and they had not been fed
@velvet24

Why??

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/04/2022 11:09

@Dnaltocs
As if people would wanna eat your frozen soup 🤣 how bizarre

Lisyla2 · 03/04/2022 11:53

I would never take it for granted that someone else was feeding my child! If the other parent didn’t say they would give them dinner I wouldn’t expect it and I would tell them I’d collect them at 6 so I could get them home for dinner. Everyone on this thread stating that they would “NEVER” not give the child dinner is making the OP feel ashamed for having done nothing wrong. She gave them snacks, she didn’t starve them. Just message the mum and tell her you didn’t think as you always eat later & next time you will feed them earlier. I’m so glad my children don’t have friends with mums like the ones on here who are condemning this woman. Really… they’re are more important things going on in the world and actual reasons to be upset.

blessedmummyov5 · 03/04/2022 14:06

My kids get dinner at 5 pm aged 15,13,11,9,8
if I gave them dinner 7:30/8 then wud think their throats had been cut ....... n if we have a play date after school we always have dinner b4 they leave they do get some sort of super later on tho x

Morgysmum · 03/04/2022 14:29

I wouldn't expect my child to have been fed, but 7:00 is late for tea in our house.
We start cooking at 5pm.and normally eat at 6pm, I was brought up that anything after 6 is late.
I guess this comes, from my father been a farmer and not wanting to eat late, as he would go back out at harvest. My mum was also obbsed that if you eat late at night, it your body, doesn't have time to digest it before you go to sleep, so stores it as fat.
But if my son was going on a play date and wasn't getting pick up till late, I would check what time they ate, if he wasn't going to eat, I would have something ready when he got home.
She maybe had eaten herself and now had to cook again for her child, or she had something that she likes in mind for tea, but not what her child likes. So she had to re plan her meal.
She should have asked if they were eating, before agreeing to the date.

Goldbar · 03/04/2022 14:43

I'm surprised at how many people are saying that they feed their kids at 5pm, therefore they expect everyone else to feed their kids at the same time (and would be put out if they didn't). Despite it being pointed out that many families do things differently.

Do people also get annoyed if other parents have different rules on screen-time, give different types of snacks and have different bedtimes for their children?

Is there some sort of manual for responsible parenting we should all be following where feeding your children after half five is beyond the pale?

spanishmumireland · 03/04/2022 15:04

I am very surprised how uptight some people seem to be about dinner time being the "right" time.
I totally assume this is something a family decides and of course nothing wrong with whatever time they do. What sort of unwritten rule is that?
I work full time. I come from Spain. Our dinners are done in advance. Kids come back from school, and have their dinner I leave it at the table and continue working (most days from home still). Dinner time here is between 3 and 3.30. They have their dinner, tidy up plates, do activities homework etc afterwards. And 7.30/ 7.45 we have a light meal, which could be a salad, soup sandwiches with fruit yogurt etc. this one we seat down all together. Never wanted to change to the "set time" here is Ireland or UK. And I am completely fine with whatever suits other people. Also its good for kids to accept people are different, families are different and the most important thing, the way you do things is not the best, it's just the best way for YOU.

User48751490 · 03/04/2022 15:18

I feed all my DC around 4pm so my eldest would be chewing off his arm going to a friend's and not eating anything! He is 15yo soon.

Blimecory · 03/04/2022 15:20

@User48751490

I feed all my DC around 4pm so my eldest would be chewing off his arm going to a friend's and not eating anything! He is 15yo soon.
They did eat, though. What are you talking about?
User48751490 · 03/04/2022 15:22

@blessedmummyov5

My kids get dinner at 5 pm aged 15,13,11,9,8 if I gave them dinner 7:30/8 then wud think their throats had been cut ....... n if we have a play date after school we always have dinner b4 they leave they do get some sort of super later on tho x
🤣🤣🤣 same with mine😂😂

Supper is served around 6pm for littlies and older ones get their own supper whenever they are hungry around 7pm usually.

Supper usually pancakes, toast, scones, fruit, cereals, yoghurt etc.