Should I have fed this child?

[yogahippo]

DD is in year 6. We moved recently and she's having to try and make friends in a new school. She has a phone and last night was texting a girl and they arranged a play date after school at our house. I messaged mum to check it was ok.

They arrived home, had snacks, played happily. Mum picked up at 6.25. She asked what they'd had for dinner and seemed most put ours when I said they hadn't had dinner. Thing is we usually only eat around 7.25-7.30 so I didn't think to cook dinner. It wasn't mentioned in the messages.

Im not originally from the UK. Have I made a mistake? DD says lots of her friends have younger siblings so eat quite early compared to us...

Year 6 dc not aged 6...

I would definitely have assumed she would have had tea by that time - mine would have been starving! My kids almost always eat before 6 here and they are 14 and 11, at primary school they had tea at 5.

I would normally feed them before a 6.30 pick up in junior school, or if not, let the parent know you're not doing so.

However this is a slightly odd one because your DD is branching away from playdates into inviting friends round herself. The mum sounds like she's treating her DD like a younger child - I would not expect to be quizzed on food at this age.

@Ilostit

Play date always means food! This is how a play date generally pans out at ours. We walk home for school (taking our time) joke about 1545. They play for an hour. Food dished up 1645. Generally about 20-30 mins they eat main. Play come back have some pudding and collected at 6pm

4.45! Out of curiosity do they have a supper as well? DD goes to bed about 8.30 ish and then reads for 30 mins. She's be starving in the morning if she'd finished eating by 5.00.

However lots of other people saying eating at 7.00. I really think my mistake was not realising I need to be clear about the composition of the play date. DS 1is 21 and DS2 is 17 and neither had their primary years in the UK so this last 12 months has been a learning curve for us all....

I have a year 6 child and definitely would not mind either way and my daughter wouldn't mind as she prefers snacks and the hanging out messing about fashion shows, making videos at this age. It is different if they are little kid so up to about 8/9 but personally my DD thinks eating gets in the way of the fun bit! Plus, I have food i cam easily feed my daughter a dinner that she'd probably prefer!

The mum probably eats early, was making polite chit chat and now mortified as she has presumed you would feed her child.

I imagine the mum is now pretty miffed she has to go home and cook something for her DD when the rest of the family have eaten tbh.

@VagueSemblance

I would normally feed them before a 6.30 pick up in junior school, or if not, let the parent know you're not doing so.

However this is a slightly odd one because your DD is branching away from playdates into inviting friends round herself. The mum sounds like she's treating her DD like a younger child - I would not expect to be quizzed on food at this age.

I think this is the nail on the head. DD models herself on her very independent much older brothers. She's off texting people, arranging play dates, planning park outings. She's my youngest and the friend we had round is the oldest with a much younger sibling. Youngest sibling has probably been fed already and I've messed things up by not feeding her daughter so now she has to do an extra meal.

I think high school will be different.

I would never assume a child was getting fed.

When we went round to someone else's to play the standard going-home time was 5pm, and nobody ever got more than sweets or a cake without a specific invitation To Tea.

By the time I had children I'd become aware of the middle-class habit of feeding them separately so would say things like "when do you want to pick them up? anywhere between 5 and 6 would be fine because we eat at 6:30" - or similar to make clear that I wasn't expecting to provide a meal.

The mum was rude for asking what they had for dinner in my opinion

I think it’s fine op. The snacks were substantial enough that the guest wasn’t sent home ravenous. I’d just text the mum to say “Lovely to have x over. I didn’t realise families in the UK eat dinner quite a lot earlier than us so we just had a few snacks rather than a meal but I can do an earlier tea for the kids next time” IF she was a nice guest you’d like to have again. If the mum is arsey that’s her problem.

I don’t think YABU as you genuinely didn’t know/ think about it and they did have snacks. But If it was me I would of expected them to be fed if I was picking them up at that time.

Yes, it is probably the reason, if you have a teen they come and go and nobody expects dinner- well that's my experience and it is bloody liberating!

@Hugasauras

Playdates are obv a minefield! Am I the only one who genuinely wouldn't give a shit either way? If she'd been fed, great. It not, she can have something at home. What's the big deal? Dreading DD getting to the age where friends come round solo as apparently I have zero clue

Indeed. It's quite depressing when I keep getting the feeling I'm not quite doing things right and it worries me that it will impact DD. At the moment a lot of the girls still have their social life managed by mums and I'm not in the group so I think DD misses out.

I would have offered, but checked. As in I'd expect to be serving up a meal, but texted the mum to check that they didn't plan to eat later - plus for any dietary issues. It's mostly just a communication thing.

When dd2 was that age, I usually fed everyone fairly early. She had a mate who frequently came round after school & was affectionately termed Dustbin by me & her own mum (a friend) - it was a standing joke that 'Dustbin' would eagerly hoover up whatever I cooked when my own fussy kids quite often picked at it.

Great from my POV - dd2 learned to be less fussy by copying her mate who was appreciatively scarfing down whatever I dished up.

Not always quite so great from Dustbin's mum's POV, as they ate later & her dd frequently went home stuffed (& loudly saying 'Corvus is a great cook, why can't you make chilli like Corvus?!').

So we'd text each other. If she was happy for me to feed her dd (& to eat later herself with her other, older dc) then all good. If she wanted Dustbin coming home hungry for dinner, I'd give snacks only & eat with my dc once she'd gone home.

If dd went round there, I knew she'd get snacks but not an evening meal unless it was a sleepover.

It all worked out fine. I think part of the parenting experience at this age is they start hanging out with different families with different routines. It's helpful if you know the expectations, but really what's the worst that can happen?

You collect a dc who a) is hungry & the rest of you have eaten = a quick cheese toastie & fruit or b) you collect a dc who doesn't want their dinner = unless you're routinely serving up fillet steak, a portion of spag bol or curry goes in the fridge/freezer/dog...

Always always feed kids. Kids are happy, parents are happy, all is well. When in doubt, cook.

It's not like you let the child go hungry, they has lots of snacks by the sound of it. I wouldn't have give a shit either like pp, if they've eaten, fine - if not then it's no hassle to do an easy meal for them or get them to make themselves a sandwich. I think the mum is bonkers if she was actually put out

i would expect my child to be fed by 6.30 if at a play date, 7.30 is a wierd time for dinner for kids such young ages. my kids go bed 7 - 7.30pm

@JessicaBrassica

We had a child come round once and sent her home at our tea time. Her mum sent her back because they had eaten and were going on holiday the next day and had no food left.

WHAT ???

@Camoye

People will try to show off on here and pretend they feed their 2 year old at 11pm because they just couldn’t possibly eat earlier.

In reality if you have a child over at any time between 5 and 7pm you offer dinner as a matter of course. If you aren’t going to you must specifically state it although you’d sound a bit mean and odd. Anyone who tells you different is lying or bonkers.

Yep. You don’t just not feed a child when they come to your house. My kids and us all eat at 5/5.30pm, not sure how yours survive until 7.30 on snacks.

I find people who don’t feed guests really cheap anyway. I remember my dd went around a friends house for a play date age 6 at 12pm and came home at 3 and had only been given an apple. It was middle class family with a very comfy life. Cheap skates.

@Ionlydomassiveones

I might not have done a full family dinner but most year 6 kids would’ve been starving straight from school so I would've at least fed them something!

I did. Apple pancake, cinnamon roll, crisps, drink.

Sounds like you're doing a great job @yogahippo and raising an independent and confident young woman! I like to think most people are flexible and don't think of the worst of people who have been kind enough to invite their child for a few play date so I wouldn't worry. There are seemingly dozens of these unwritten rules, but I'm afraid they tend to fly over my head as our philosophy is very laid back generally, so in this instance I would have just asked DD if she wanted dinner and then rustled something quick up when we got home if we had already eaten. No drama.

I grew up like your DD - dinner was usually around 7.30 and I found it quite strange going to friends' houses where we ate really early and separate from the rest of the family. My mum didn't get home till after 6 most days anyway! So it's really just about separate family routines and not anyone being right or wrong, and that's just something that you have to be flexible with when your child is visiting other people's homes!

I agree with previous posters, it's borderline. I would not expect dinner but wouldn't be surprised if my child was given dinner. I don't see why her mum was making a fuss. Surely, she could just give her DD dinner when she got home. I suppose next time, you could just clarify in advance about dinner.

@Goldenbear

Yes, it is probably the reason, if you have a teen they come and go and nobody expects dinner- well that's my experience and it is bloody liberating!

Until you look in the fridge and find they've come home late with 3 friends and eaten 2 days worth of meals!!! (DS 17 looking at him!)

I'd be really surprised to pick my child up at that time with them not being fed. Kids have tea about half 5 ish. When I was younger it was always going to a friend's after school for tea.

You didn't HAVE to feed them though