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Original poster

I’ve said something terrible to my daughter and I feel absolutely awful for it!

197 replies

Bestofthebestt · 19/03/2022 13:06

My daughter is 5 years old and although she’s an amazing, funny and kind little girl, I really, really struggle with her screaming tantrums.

They have been an issue since she was really small. If something doesn’t go her way, her instant response to that is to scream! And I mean scream!

We never give into the screaming and have had meetings with school etc who have given us strategies to help and we have had some successes with those but some days it can be absolutely relentless.

The other day, she was screaming again over something so trivial. I’m not a shouter and I’ve never smacked my kids either but I did hit breaking point and said something I really regret. I had tried all of the strategies but the screaming was getting louder and louder. I said to her that screaming like that is not okay. I explained that the neighbours would worry what was going on. I said “what if they call the police?” “What if the police think you’re not safe because of all of this screaming and think they need to take you away.” I’ve tried so many things to get to grips with this and just at this point, wanted the screaming to stop. My older daughter actually had to put ear defenders on because the noise was so loud. What I said had no impact on the screaming and DD didn’t appear to even care but I feel like the worst mum and parent for the fact that I’ve said this to her.

I had a chat with DD later and explained this wouldn’t happen and to be honest, she doesn’t seem to have given it a second thought.

I mean, what sort of mum says that to their child? I just feel wracked with guilt. I’m not even sure why I’m posting. I just hate myself for how I’ve handled this.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 19/03/2022 13:08

I wouldn't feel bad about that. It's true.

Wavypurple · 19/03/2022 13:09

What you said is true

GeneLovesJezebel · 19/03/2022 13:10

Please forgive yourself 🙏🏻
Honestly, we’ve all been there.

DropYourSword · 19/03/2022 13:10

Oh gosh, if that's the worst thing you ever say you're doing bloody well!!

Pearlyqueen21 · 19/03/2022 13:10

Forgive yourself - it was the heat of the moment, and you can move on with such a young child. I understand feeling so terrible, many of us have done similar, please go easy on yourself.

Lookingforanswers202 · 19/03/2022 13:10

We all hit our limit sometimes, you mention ear defenders so I can see you are already aware of children with sensory differences, sounds like your 5 year old also fits into that category too.

LunaDeet · 19/03/2022 13:11

I've definitely said this before... and I don't feel bad about it!

PurpleBirch · 19/03/2022 13:11

Give yourself a break, it’s not that bad and I’ve been there.

My DD is 10 now but sounds similar to yours re: the screaming and recently been diagnosed with autism. Not saying your DD has autism but I wonder if there is something else going on.

I sympathise though, the screaming is soul destroying at times.

AnyFucker · 19/03/2022 13:12

Aw, come on. We have all said things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. Forgive yourself and move on. I imagine she did’t even clock it she was so wrapped up in her own selfish world but even if she did, perhaps she does need to hear something along those lines.

MuchuseasaChocolateTeapot · 19/03/2022 13:15

It sounds to me like you have coped remarkably well at a really trying time. You could have said or done much worse. Please stop beating yourself up. She’s old enough now to be aware of her actions. Take your older DD and leave the room and leave her to it, do something nice with your older daughter. Good luck.

Original poster
Bestofthebestt · 19/03/2022 13:16

She’s honestly the best kid when she’s her happy self. She is so so funny and entertains us all with her unique, quirky personality. I’ve just never known a child to explode the way she does. She holds it together at school and always gets a glowing report from there but at home, especially when she’s tired, she’s like a ticking time bomb and it can feel like we’re all treading so carefully to avoid an eruption. It usually does involve her being tired but she is a child who would still nap daily given half a chance. Unfortunately, being nearly 6 now, life doesn’t give her much opportunity to sleep as much as she would like.

I know she’ll grow out of it eventually but it’s just so draining to deal with. I wish I could find the answer but I’ve tried absolutely everything. It’s soul destroying!

OP posts:
ComDummings · 19/03/2022 13:17

I wouldn’t feel remotely bad about saying that

TiddleyWink · 19/03/2022 13:19

I mean this kindly but if that was you hitting breaking point and doing something you really regret, I can’t help wondering how firmly you have actually even dealing with this? It’s not ideal but really not that awful!

A five year old school child screaming to this degree on a regular basis (barring SEN) is absolutely not ok and she is old enough that you need to come down on it like a tonne of bricks. I’m all for gentle parenting but a five year old who just screams their head off when they don’t get what they want is a very big problem and warrants some fairly firm action.

What are the consequences for her when she does this?

MikeandDave · 19/03/2022 13:19

To be honest there is some truth behind what you said as although very unlikely to get to social services there certainly could be problems with the neighbours. Your dd is old enough to understand that it's not just you don't like her screaming but this could cause problems for the family. So I think you maybe need to look for better options to deal with her screaming in future but don't worry about this as a one off comment. If she was worried about it you could reassure her that people do like to check children are safe with their family if they are screaming a lot but once they see the child is safe they would be fine with that.

Lurking9to5 · 19/03/2022 13:19

You're too hard on yrslf. I would call the police to come qnd get me if my dc carried on and on screaming 😱

Carbiesdreamhouse · 19/03/2022 13:21

This is small fry compared to 1980s parenting.

converseandjeans · 19/03/2022 13:22

You just told her something which may happen. It may well get reported. I don't think it makes you a bad parent.

I don't have any strategies but it sounds stressful. She does need to sort it out as things aren't always going to go how she wants them to and she can't go round screaming!

BOOTS52 · 19/03/2022 13:23

Don't be so hard on yourself as it would drive us all insane. I think your daughter holds it together in school and then she needs to release it all hence the screaming. Can you create a quite area in the house with those relaxing lights and sensory things so she can chill out when you know and feel she is about to take a tantrum. We have all been there and we have all said things when stressed and we all have that mummy guilt but you are doing a great job. She will grow out of it and it must be so hard to deal with.

Northernsoullover · 19/03/2022 13:24

I told my son who used to behave like this that our neighbours may call social services. No lies were told.

Original poster
Bestofthebestt · 19/03/2022 13:25

So we used to be more firm with her but this seemed to escalate the bad behaviour. She would refuse to go in time out, so we would tell her to go to her room but she’d refuse. We’d then have to carry her which would get her into such a state, she would start hitting, kicking etc. She’d then try to get out of her room and this could go on for half an hour or more. Screaming the whole time. Getting more and more distressed.

We then had a meeting with school and we have made her a calm down area at home. A huge floor cushion with some sensory toys there and a sand timer. She goes to there and if she calms down in the 2 minutes, I write in her reading record and she gets a sticker and well done from her class teacher. This is helpful, but still some days this doesn’t go to plan and it can be really exhausting for us all.

OP posts:
Cherrysherbet · 19/03/2022 13:25

That’s really not that bad op. She didn’t seem to care anyway. Please don’t beat yourself up. I think you’re doing really well to cope with this. I certainly couldn’t. I’d be getting much stricter with her. It does sound a bit like she’s wrapping you around her little finger tbh.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 19/03/2022 13:26

I think it does no harm for kids to realise that adults have limits.

catstale · 19/03/2022 13:26

I mean this kindly but if that was you hitting breaking point and doing something you really regret, I can’t help wondering how firmly you have actually even dealing with this?

This. Sounds like you're very soft with her and the consequence is her bad behaviour.

Original poster
Bestofthebestt · 19/03/2022 13:27

The problem is, the stricter we get, the worse it gets.

My eldest was very receptive to me talking in a firm tone and going for a time out etc. All the usual techniques seem to exacerbate the problems with my youngest though!

OP posts:
Notanotherwindow · 19/03/2022 13:28

I'd be threatening to beg them to take her away. Failing that, take me away!

Jokes aside, I really don't think its that bad. Everyone loses their temper once in a while and its probably a good thing as the child knows exactly how far they can push before you lose it and they get a sanction.

Crack down a bit harder on it. You aren't doing her any harm and she will get punishment if she does it at school. She isn't a toddler anymore and knows what no means.