I’ve said something terrible to my daughter and I feel absolutely awful for it!

[Bestofthebestt]

My daughter is 5 years old and although she’s an amazing, funny and kind little girl, I really, really struggle with her screaming tantrums.

They have been an issue since she was really small. If something doesn’t go her way, her instant response to that is to scream! And I mean scream!

We never give into the screaming and have had meetings with school etc who have given us strategies to help and we have had some successes with those but some days it can be absolutely relentless.

The other day, she was screaming again over something so trivial. I’m not a shouter and I’ve never smacked my kids either but I did hit breaking point and said something I really regret. I had tried all of the strategies but the screaming was getting louder and louder. I said to her that screaming like that is not okay. I explained that the neighbours would worry what was going on. I said “what if they call the police?” “What if the police think you’re not safe because of all of this screaming and think they need to take you away.” I’ve tried so many things to get to grips with this and just at this point, wanted the screaming to stop. My older daughter actually had to put ear defenders on because the noise was so loud. What I said had no impact on the screaming and DD didn’t appear to even care but I feel like the worst mum and parent for the fact that I’ve said this to her.

I had a chat with DD later and explained this wouldn’t happen and to be honest, she doesn’t seem to have given it a second thought.

I mean, what sort of mum says that to their child? I just feel wracked with guilt. I’m not even sure why I’m posting. I just hate myself for how I’ve handled this.

Have you tried not giving any attention to the screaming? If my DD gets like this I just completely dead pan until she stops. I walk out of the room if she doesn’t stop and then I come back when she’s calmed down and ask if she wants to talk about it. The calmer I am the quicker it blows over. I don’t think what you said sounds that bad at all so give yourself a break. Sounds like a frustrating and stressful experience for everyone involved.

@Bestofthebestt

Name change fail 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thing is, if there are issues such as SEN, then 'boundaries' and holding your ground simply doesn't work all the time. It might work once, then the next day it does not.

I assume your school has a SENCO. I'd ask again. It just sounds so familiar to me as a mother with a child with ASD. (I also have a slighrly younger child who is neuro typical and the differences are like night and day).

My daughter used to respond like that then years later we discovered she had been suffering from panic disorder from birth but as life got harder as she grew it got worse. Please don't just put it down to bad behaviour.

Familiar to me too ASD 10 year old here.

Don’t feel bad about saying that.
As the gran of a screamer I can tell you there is hope they grow out of it. Deafening at 5, outgrown it by 6 to 7. Fingers crossed your dd is the same.

@Nosetickle

Have you tried not giving any attention to the screaming? If my DD gets like this I just completely dead pan until she stops. I walk out of the room if she doesn’t stop and then I come back when she’s calmed down and ask if she wants to talk about it. The calmer I am the quicker it blows over. I don’t think what you said sounds that bad at all so give yourself a break. Sounds like a frustrating and stressful experience for everyone involved.

I was going to say the same. I'd have tried that. There's a book called The Explosive Child that I've seen mentioned on here.

But you’re not rewarding bad behaviour. These types of meltdowns actually scare the child do the calm cushion area is a great idea. Neurodiverse girls often mask and keep it together at school but then explode at home. She may or may not be ND, it may be a phase she’s going through but do not beat yourself up for what you said.

I've said that and much worse to my DS. He is 10 and has Autism, it is so relentless that sometimes you just say this stuff in the heat of the moment.

He is well behaved at school, he just saves all his stresses for us.

There's no way I'd stick my finger near my screaming dd's mouth!

I was told I would be 'taken away' when i was a kid. It wasn't often but it stopped me being more obnoxious that I was to be honest. It didn't work on my sister. She wouldn't have given a shit about being away from her family. First chance she had she moved on from us all when in fact our parents were damned good.

I have 3 dc and one who was a tantrum screamer. She has big emotions and they overwhelm her. When it get to that I stay calm and I tell her to come and have a hug when she’s ready and wants help calming down. This isn’t praise for bad behaviour this is a child who can’t manage her emotions and needs support. Once calm, I address the poor behaviour with a calm conversation and we put in place any punishments like restrictions on screen time etc although I usually feel that the conversation has been enough. Dd2 is now 10.

Pressed post too soon. Dd2 is 10 and no longer behaves like this but when upset or cross she comes to me for a hug to help her. Giving her a hug doesn’t mean I’m not cross with her it just means that I can love her and be cross with her at the same time.

Masking in school and then exploding at home is common in children with autism. I’d be looking into a referral for assessment in your shoes. Even if she doesn’t meet the criteria for a diagnosis, you may be given some tools to help her. It’s also a long waiting list, so better getting on it sooner than later.
Is there any way when she’s calm to talk to her about her feelings? Does she feel screaming is the only way to get big feelings out? Could you give her options like bouncing on a trampoline or punching a pillow. Just a few thoughts.
Also, while what you said wasn’t ideal, and it’s good to recognise that, it was a one off and I’ve heard a lot worse.

the school don’t think this is a possibility

That's because they've not seen how she behaves at home. Not all schools are clued up on autism in girls, yet they have prompted you to create a sensory space for her at home, and that's what's often recommended for autistic children. Somewhere they can relax and wind down with no pressure, somewhere they can regain their equilibrium.

Many autistic children are "fine" at school, simply because they make a huge effort to rein in all behaviours apart from compliance, BUT due to the pressure of masking all day and hiding all those frustrations and upsets, by the time they arrive home, they are like a bottle of fizzy drink that's spent all day being shaken up and the lid blows off in a spectacular fashion at home because they feel safe there.
Your description of your child's behaviour strongly suggests she could be neurodiverse, particularly because she doesn't respond well to standard parenting techniques like consequences etc.

As ever on threads like these, parents with no clue about neurodiversity say she'll be a spoilt brat and parents with experience of neurodiversity are suggesting you explore that avenue.

I'd suggest looking up the panda behavioural management stratagies for pathological demand avoudance. Not because I'm sugfesting a diagnosis but because they are very useful for children who do struggle with demands of them.

The fact that the stricter you got the less difference it made on her is fitting in with these stratagies. So instead of saying "you need to do your homework" - you could say "your homework iis in your bag. Do you want to do it at the table in the kitchen or in the living room?". You want to go to the park later but know she's likely to protest then earlier in the day you say"its a lovely day outside for a trip to the park" and later it may be less challenging for her as the idea has already been raised.

When my son was 3 (he is 21 now) I had a friend over and he took a massive tantrum and we just ignored him and kept talking and tried not to laugh as he was in his little spiderman suit and with his long blonde curls he just looked so cute but he tired himself out after a while. If you are worried about the neighbours just go and tell them she is going through a bad tantrum stage and let them know you are not strangling her. You will feel better. You are doing everything you can I would also ask for her to be assessed as it will put your mind at ease and better to get it done earlier than later. Please come on for support any time as know how hard it is and when nothing is working and others especially those who have never had kids offer advise that you have already tried and someone try to blame the parents. What about if you play some soothing music in her little area, try and distract her with a jigsaw puzzle when you know she is going to start, as parents we always know when they are going to kick off. It does sound like she is releasing all the pent up stress and screaming is her way of coping. I hope you get to have a break. Would she behave like this say if you had a family member or friend looking after her. Hope you get some advise that helps but please be kind to yourself as you are doing all you can. Could you go to the park after school so she gets to run around and release her energy that way before going home, breaking up the routine may help.

What you said re the police was factually correct. Very likely neighbours will call them as DD makes such a din

If she has no SEN then imo you are empowering her by being so gentle. It is not normal for a child of her age to scream in this way

Well said BlankTimes. The little girl sounds like she is finally relaxed and releasing all the stress that she has stored up all day and feels comfortable enough to do so at home. Awful that people who do not understand either having a go at the child or parenting when it is more complicated than at. Very good advise you have given.

It seems to me that there is little consequence for your DD. While I can completely understand you avoiding exacerbating it at the moment- quiet corner seems like a good idea- I can't understand why there are only positive consequences when she stops.
If you're sure that tiredness is a contributing factor then maybe the quiet corner in the moment but a serious discussion and early bedtime as a consequence would be useful.

Wow I thought you were going to say something much worse than that.

Pretty sure my mum said that to me as a child, it hasn't scarred me!

I can’t really comment on the strategy to try and cope with this. continuing to just do the same thing which doesn’t work doesn’t make much sense so I can see why you have changed tactic.

However. And I don’t want this to seem attacking, but your level of guilt and upset over your comment when under extreme provocation is totally out of proportion.
I can’t help wondering if there is a link between your disproportionate response and your daughters..

Just a thought that occurred to me. If an adult suddenly started screaming out of frustration about something not going their way how would you respond? I would be really worried about them and want to give them a big hug and talk about it. I don’t see why it should be any different for children really.

The problem is, the stricter we get, the worse it gets.
Her behaviour in school is excellent

That says a lot I think. She behaves well at school but kicks off at home - which suggests to me that shes pushing boundaries at home that she wouldnt at school.

My reaction to her being more and more difficult in reaction to time out etc would be to get firmer, be stricter - otherwise she will just continue pushing and pushing knowing that ultimately you will give in. My brother did the same when he was young - by the time he was a teen he pretty much did/got away with anything because he knew our parents wouldnt stand up to him.

Thank you so much to those people who are being supportive and helpful. It’s very much appreciated.

The thing with DD is that her behaviour is always good, apart from the meltdowns. She is such a sweet girl. She would never intentionally be disobedient, it’s really not her style. She has very fixed views so when there is something she thinks is happening and it doesn’t happen or if there’s something she’s decided she wants to do but for some reason we can’t, this will completely set her off. For that reason, I really don’t agree with the people saying she’ll become a spoiled brat etc. Her behaviour is so far from that. She just genuinely can’t handle these big emotions and feelings. Her mind also goes at 100mph and sometimes she can get upset when you don’t understand her, but it’s because she hasn’t explained half of what’s going through her mind.

Other than these explosive emotions, she is a dream child and everyone loves her uniqueness!

She is not bad. It’s not in her nature to be. And I can definitely echo what others have said that the usual parenting styles don’t necessarily work for every child.

Pretty sure my DM said stuff like this to me constantly when I was a kid